Most of my life I have been what every one wanted me to be.
I have been kind to many people. Sometimes too kind.
Other people in my life sit and talk with me about why do I do that when they just **** on me. It's the right thing to do...so I was taught.
A lot of people in my life don't understand me (hell I don't understand me). They get upset because they think I am bein used. Maybe so. But isn't that my choice if I choose to go back over and over again.?
I feel invisible when I do what everyone wants me to do. Yet when I do something that is kind hearted they all of the sudden see me just to stop by and say hey you do realize that your getting used or why do you have to get involved or my favorite don't those kids have parents. Why is helping someone such a bad thing?
Okay... Back to bein invisible!!!!
No one sees me, no one hears me, I wonder if they even care that I'm sitting and crying inside, that I'm sitting here hurting inside. That I'm sitting wondering what is so wrong with me.
You see I know what it like to be so down and out and no one there to listen to help to just see. So if I can help someone else out, see someone when they are hurting or just even listen to the tears pouring down there face then YES that is what I am going to do. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Yes I try very hard to treat others like I wanted to be treated. Life *****! Parents forget what it's like at that age. Friends they become convenient friends only around when they want something. Life and people are not perfect. Some times humans have pain. Pain that we don't see. The pain is invisible. So when I see someone that needs help I am there.  
Yet when I do Help I feel so invisible to the other people around me. My feelings are invisible to them. I slowly become invisible. Then when I stop at what makes me happy I still sometimes feel invisible.
They talk about how people use me to get what they want, others can't understand why I allow people to  manipulate me. How can I be so blind to what they are doing. Well my opinion is if you really think that I am that blinded that I don't see a twenty something person manipulating me then you are the one blinded.
My opinion doesn't matter I'm invisible.
Some days I really do think they all would be better off without me.
Oh wait I'm invisible it doesn't matter!

You came into my life and I thought it was going to be forever. Even tho I was only 18. You promised me a Rose garden and gave me nothing but weeds! How dare you take me away from me. **** me for allow you. I am only 18 years old. you should of known better. You were the adult. But you didn't. You took every piece of who I am away. You mangled it. Tore it up into a million pieces and threw it out the window. Just for me to have to search for the rest of my life for the piece. For 36 years now I'm still finding pieces of me that you threw out the window. The only thing you didn't take away from me is my compassion.So as you lay in bed every night, as you look In the mirror everyday and feel no remorse. Just remember 36 years later I'm fine you didn't destroy me. You didn't hide the pieces like you thought. I am now me. Me to care to be kind to be compassionate to love. So I didn't let you take all of me. It was an up hill battle it may of taken Awhile but ******* Ronnie the ******. In the end you didn't win!

Will this pain of missing you ever go away?
Will the heartbreak of holidays ever go away?
Everyone says it will get easier. Well it's been 4 years and I am still waiting on some signs of it getting easier.
You brought me into this world. You taught me along the way. You showed me how to care for other people no matter what. You taught me to be strong. You taught me unconditional love. You loved me no matter what I did. You were always proud of me. You taught me so much Mom, the only thing you didn't teach me was how to live without you.
Your grandkids adored you. Their friends loved you. I loved you.
Thanksgiving hasn't been the same.
Christmas Eve surely hasn't been the same without you and grandma.
They say that to will get easier. It's been 4 years and here I am on Christmas Eve at 630 in the morning shedding  tears for you. Feeling my heart breaking. All the cherished memories are flooding back.
You forgot to teach me how to process living without you.
Never the less I love and will always miss you.
You were my Mommy, my Mother, my Mom, and most importantly you were my best friend!
Thanks Mom for loving me just the way I was and am.  
You, Dad, Grandma and Grandpa Lytle will never ever be forgotten.
Merry Christmas Mom

My life has come to a complete stop. Kinda like its on hold. On hold for me to figure out what the hell it is that I'm suppose to do.
To do with this life that I chose.
I chose to finish school, get married, have children , and try to be the best person that I can.
I can be who ever I want to be, I can go where ever I want, I can I can I can...
I can be happy, I choose to be fine
I can be myself, if I knew who that was
I can be sad, which inwardly I am
I can, I can, I can....
What is it really that I can do for myself. I'm always too busy trying to be what I think people want me to be. Leaves no room for the real me. Lol not sure I even know who that person is. Not sure I even want to know the real me. I **** at trying to be what everyone else wants me to be, I can only imagine what bein me would be like.
So now here we are its a new year. A new year for new goals or carry over the goals that we didn't finish last year. Either way new year new beginnings. And a New Me!

I have given so much to other people. I have given my heart away many times. I have had to rebuild my heart many many times. I still believe in love. I still believe in the fairy tales. I believe that all things can happen. God is amazing. He has kept me alive with all that I have been thru. I stand here in front of all of you talented people trying to express my inward feelings about myself, about my life and even my Mom. I have found since the first time standing up here how therapic this is. I gained a little. And took five steps back. But all for the good. Memories that I didn't even know existed are starting to peek. What ever the new year has in store for me I will stand tall and take it all. Life is not perfect nor are you. So with this new year that has come upon us once again, let's try to remember all the good things in our life, let's just let God take control of all the fighting in this world. Politics well everyone has there opinion. Some hate the government,  others think that they have all the answers. Well no one has any real answers that are going to help this world. God is the one person that can fix everything and anything. So for me I am going to just sit back and not worry or stress myself out over what is happening. God will take care of me and God will take care of you. So let's start fixing ourselves this new year and look around to all the blessings that are around. May it be a baby bein born, a flower blossoming, a smile on a friends face, a parent that just wants to hug you or the fact that you have a place to lay your head. Happiness comes in big and small ways. Where is you happiness hiding?