no, no
it's okay
(I think),
but please, stop
I mean for god's sake,
you're leaving in 2 **** months
and
(here is where I close my eyes and cry)

yes, yes,
I know,
you're upset, but you're doing fine
and you will be more than fine.
(god you're too beautiful to even realize
you
destroy
me)

really, I am fine.
leave my sallow bones console themselves
but leave, please, I need the silence of loneliness
thank you, goodnight, yes I'm fine

(if you really want to know
just how bad it is,
listen to the cold and the burrowing owl's deep sobs
and know I'm there)

at nights when I melt into cold lifeless sheets
after a day that was not worth leaving the dead blankets to begin with,
I submerge myself into the plane of forever
nothingness
sink past the oceans of tears
past the spires of faith
past the forked path of good intentions
and fall into black
where all the is, was, will be's
of anything's everything are
nothing
and the matters and heartfelt lies and the inquisitive sideways glances
dissolve, like the grape tablets
my mother used to give me for the cold, into meaningless
nothing.
eventually those memories, pallid with age become
nothing too
and inevitably,
you, too
become
no
thing
.

it is when I close my eyes and
listen to concertos I'll never play,
imagining successes that never will be
and loves that will never be loved,
that I realize
that I do not control the universe.
I merely wrap myself in its nebulae
and breathe in its star dust

Take my miserable body in
your less-than-able hands and make me
unaware and oblivious,
whole and holy again
even if just for a single breath of a moment

I spoil the silence between your words and mine
with a gentle indulgence of the moment
(accompanied by a prolonged blink of satisfaction)
and my regardless happiness

when you leave
for good
I will not be okay,
and miss you tremendously.

however, we will eventually forget each other,
(you sooner than I)
and we will find new friends
and all will be okay

but that's the thing.
I don't want it to be okay that I have forgotten you
because you are so dear to me
and I do not want to forget this meaning and feeling

(If someone,
anyone,
thought about me in that way
that I think about you,
I would be
wordlessly in love.)

"for what it's worth,"
he said, his voice slipping softer, slower
"you mean a lot to me."
and it was worth the world

I can hold my breath forever,
but it will not stop
the wind from blowing