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Michelle Ang Mar 2013
You wander down the hallway
Feeling something shiver inside of you
You wonder what this feeling might be
And suddenly an image of his face
Pierce your corneas
A second later
He is there
And when you pass in the hallway
He looks at you sideways
Widens his eyes.
You furrow your brow
Lift the corners of your lips
Tilt your head
You mention how you always see him in this hallway
He considers you. Then.
He says it is God’s will
You get the wind knocked out of you
You know that it shows on your face
He dismisses you
But not before you say that you agree
That it is God’s will
You take your casual leave
Calling him by his nickname
Stepping into the elevator
You remember he calls himself a liberal
You hug yourself
You wonder if he sees his God in you
You remember he was born on Palm Sunday
You chuckle to yourself
You walk past your roommates
You feel their eyes on your back
You sit down and eat your dinner
You stand at the window
You watch the buildings bleed onto the streets
Manhattan swirls underneath you
There are points of light on little moving objects
The cars and the people
The colors and the lights
The smoke and the sky
The city pulsates, the city snarls
Eager for you to take the streets
You gaze out your window
And so, you decide, it is
It is God’s will and just exactly who
Are you
To deny it?
Michelle Ang Mar 2013
There are times like these
When there is a sudden downcast of rain
When the apartment is filled with sunlight and quiet
When I am alone and listening to the silence between everyday noise
that I miss being with you.

At the theater, I sat next to a woman,
That smelled like your skin,
That sort of dusty, musky, primal scent
Right after the thickest of heat,

Under the sheets

She reeked of it.

And there I was
Torn to the marrow
As the dancers leap and twirl
Thrash their bodies about
To the strains of Nina Simone
As I close my eyes,
I can only see your fingers, but even that is enough

*Jazz baby piano baby silhouette slender dark on the red curtain baby sax baby speaking of a dream falling further and further the room is hot and stuffy and smells like musk like dust and like him like his body jazz baby like the hollow of his chest jazz baby like the space behind his ears jazz baby long gone back home is my home jazz baby no more but forever will you be with me crave him because he is the first and only jazz baby you will ever have

don’t forget he left you because there was no touch
no feel
just a rush
into a push
into a ******
a shove
The back beat accent of his love
Michelle Ang Mar 2013
today I ate
a chocolate croissant
and thought
of you
how you
would eat it
in two
bites
stains
on your
fingertips
Michelle Ang Mar 2013
The breeze sits in your palm.

the sun is a whimpering haze
of orange and white.

It has been a while since we
have been to church.

We twine our hands together,
Perched like birds on a row of knees.


the crooked pews, aquamarine stained glass windows

the empty space swirling around our panting bodies
in great whorls,

father david spewing forth the gospel, we speak in unison
thanks be to god in the highest, have peace to his people on earth.

Beforehand, we had a family lunch
in the fast food court of the local mall
my father had his name tag, his hat,
his managerial shirt and company-approved trousers,
and the same plate of food he has
consumed for eleven years,

we chew methodically,
enjoy the four-part silence,

glance shiftily at intervals,

let the words hang,
never leap,
off our tongues.

My father is a brave man, defeat is in his posture,
but never his spirit,

he has spent years of his life
in fast food courts, barely daring
to move an inch
for our sake

now he has shrunk into himself,
a man for all men. He sits, patiently.

listen, listen to me,
what I do,
I do for my family,
to let his last sigh be one of relief,

to salvage my mother and father's
hidden grief, to hold it
close to my heart, and let them know that
I understand.

We stop by a cherry orchard,
little Knopp's farm where every item
is home-made.
I strain the very tip of my fingers

to reach that dark purple cluster
of cherries that are warmed by the sun,
and taste like the earth,

it is a hawk and tumbleweed sort of a day.

my brother drapes the weight of his body
over the tree branches, my mother
is on tiptoe on ***** buckets to rip the berries
from the stem,
I watch them both and bristle, struck
by their loveliness.
Michelle Ang Mar 2013
I don’t read a lot,
But
I know enough
To
Read
You.
I can see
You
Like
Me.
What will it take
For
Us
To
Be
Friends (lovers)
Impossible (possible)
Immoral (moral)
Wrong (right)
What I felt when
We skipped
In
The
Night.
When the buildings dripped
Streetlights blurred
The colors in
My hair,
(smell of sulfur in the air)
I was happy
(your alkaline stare)
I was pure
(not mine to share)
See, his beloved
Standing there?
The same
Colors
In
Her
Hair.
Michelle Ang Mar 2013
I could really lose myself in you.
There is a moment of reckoning I think I might have shared what I feel with one flick of my eyes to think you hold me in this way I might have been happy once I couldn’t think of the dusk thick moment place both palms on his heart and shove and even though you hurt you do not talk you walk and keep your brow straight line up your chin and then when it is all over there will be a day where I can lay still and be content and finally wrap myself in limbs arms and legs of him him him that him that might have been or might be and this fear that fear your fear my fear that lives breathes and sleeps in the closet of the heart the heart red and engorged see the beat but oh it falters when you close your eyes and blow a labored breath through the O of your mouth

I could really lose myself with you.
Where I take all the dark corners of my mind to make one shifting kaleidoscope of color back and forth between one black and one blue piece and how they dance together is the light that makes the joy music ring out from underneath my tongue how I have strained to hold on to this great piece of me this body that belonged to me and mine alone my mind a static prison I have to love and to hold to cherish forever and then you came along with your sway and suddenly I couldn’t breathe couldn’t bear to hold myself together as I have been and I unraveled into something akin to spinning tops will I ever stop will I ever win or will I only spin on and on until you find a way to finish my song do you hear me blistering for you all of the heat in my fingertips do you sense that when I am near I know you by your voice your step by the way that you breathe I we you me which one which one shall it be I can not decide help me save my pride go on hide until the danger has passed and we can greet each other with a simple hello in the hallways and then life goes back to stable mentality and I am left to ponder why I never go to Central Park on sunny days
Michelle Ang Mar 2013
That was the day your face seared onto the inside of my eyelids. That was the day a gentle hunger stroked my belly, and that was the day where we trekked the entire length of Manhattan with Gershwin bubbling from our mouths. And that was the day I discovered the city at night in broad strokes, that was the time where my steps grew a little bit larger, where we painted the soles of our feet and colored the sidewalks our footprints dripped where the colors blend you held my hand and held your breath as you walked against the red light.

That was the summer you began the nonchalance around me and that’s when I knew our friendship was over, sailed on when the vessels in my nose broke and blood started gushing out. I was bending over the sink to catch the droplets in the water fingers poised over the bridge of my nose to stem the flow and when I called out for you, called out your name, you replied with clinical directness completely impassive and proceeded to google how to stop nosebleeds all the while chanting “nose nose nose” in a singsongy breath and that’s when I knew that the ship has sailed onto muddy waters.

Which is the dream and which is reality? For there are some images that are so beautiful I find it hard to believe I was awake and yearning

*That was the day where you reached to fix a leaf on a branch and I caught a pale sliver of flesh, that streak of white stomach, the glance down at me, the blush, the light tarnishing that yellow hair, setting my heart ablaze
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