I hope that if you read this, you will understand fully the journey it took to get here.

i've heard every excuse, i've heard every justification. you have to understand, the worst part of it is the feeling that it is something about me that makes them do it.

i don't think you know how much it hurts, when you tease me about the mysterious stranger with whom you now share your bed. i know he is a stuffed animal, but until you stop teasing, until you stop toying, all i can feel is the ******* blood boil in my veins, and then the anger subside, and anguish churn my stomach.

everyone has their trouble, and i have mine. the trouble with me, is that i trust you with my life, and at the same time, i have learned from experience that i will always be betrayed. it's not me, it's her. i just wasn't there enough. i just didn't care enough.

i've always known that every excuse given was false, the truth is that i cannot provide anything but love and happiness. i cannot guarantee wealth, nor riches. and in a world where dreams die young at the hands of reality, i have no future. there is no world for me, only the corpses of my dreams, smiling cadavers, waltzing to their demise. this is a weary world for the honest and good.

i want you to read this, and at the same time i don't. but most of all i would just like you to know that i love you unconditionally. i would like you to know that i trust you. and i would like you to know that the sick feeling i get in my guts when you're not here, is not mistrust, just bad experience telling me that

things don't seem to change.

i've been through so much ****, i was broken until i met you,
but you'll always be the one i think of when i wake, my soul mate.

I'm sat here, alone.
with a full bottle of ***** and nothing to do, no one to see.
A raging ******* torrent of emotion that i can't ******* talk to anyone about.
Sure there's people out there, there's people i could go and meet and talk to,
None of them mean a ******* thing when all you can you is walk away.

I invested so much of my soul into trying to make this work,
and **** it, so what if things felt different after we'd been apart for many months,
isn't that normal?
Why am i being punished for my lack of money, my set of circumstances.
You know i really wanted to come down and see you?
But no, the ******* poor kid has no money, he has to sit at home, look after the house and take a ******* beating to the soul.

But no, there's no second chances here. You'll move on pretty ******* quick, i already know that.
I'll be the one picking up the pieces, while you **** around and have your fun.
I'll be the one who's stuck, well at least you don't have an anchor anymore.


how sad is it? that the only means of communication i have with you, is hoping you'll read this?
you probably won't, you're a 2 minute walk and a million ******* miles away from me.
Well **** this, I ****** up, I lost,
and once again my patience and love has not been rewarded.
I will never be rewarded, maybe i do what other guys do,
like a shark in the swimming pool, using any tactic to **** someone and run.
That just isn't me though, i'm not even equipped with the malice to let anyone know how i feel.
I FEEL LIKE ****.

I don't want to think anymore.
I don't want to feel love anymore.
I don't want to be punished for loving.
Right now, i don't want to be conscious.

Now where's that ******* *****...

Entering the room, sharing the tentative first kiss of the day,
Your lips beckon me closer, and as i sit i see forked lightening behind your eyes.

You are a storm, waiting to be unleashed,
The steam of your breath sending a chill through me, i awaken.
Though when i wake i find that the dream is real,
I smile, watch the storm and find myself amazed by your pristine beauty,
Down to every little blemish you can no longer hide,
Now my eyes are used to the dark.

I hear thunder, sparks fly when you touch me,
And the gentle moans make me feel alive once more.

And here's the strange part,
Once it is done and you're purring softly, happy to sleep,
I move to leave, thinking my purpose to you is done, no longer needed.

She brushes my arm and says "stay with me, even 5 minutes more"
What bashful eyes you have when they look into mine,
A curious surprise, i am no longer needed, i am wanted.
I am no longer needy, but i want for her like one who is tired of being cast away.

5 minutes passes in a blink of your electric eyes,
and soon you plant the most gentle of kisses on my lips,
I try to keep the wind from souring this most blessed goodbye,
But i feel you shiver.

I tell her she should go back to her room,
And she kisses me once more, her eyes smile, and i walk away.


Her words still ring in my ears, echoes in a happy heart.
"What do you want me to be?" i ask her, she knows i'm broken.
"I want you to be you"
"What do you want me to do?" i ask, her hand in mine.
"Make love to me," i relive these moments, and the memory salves me,

Time, people say, is a great healer, he seems to be in Fast-forward.
We sail in time, on our little rafts,
And this castaway found another such lonely soul, Drifting on the waves.
Such beautiful coincidence, that we should dip our toes in the same Ocean.

I'm so lonely, a self-inflicted exile,
i have so many acquaintances,
though long gone are the days when i would strive to be better,
strive for friendship.

Time has passed so slowly, and yet it feels like just yesterday,
I could analyze why i'm like this for days,
But i already know the conclusion i would reach,
There's a conspicuous absence of you,
I can try to fill this void with friends, *** and lies,
but i am not sated.

I look on as i watch myself walking towards desolation,
Neglecting those things in life that would normally be so necessary,
Forgetting is a skill i am yet to learn,
And this void seems only to grow.

I'll be honest with you, I function from day to day,
But in those moments when there's no distraction, and only memories to fill the time,
We're sitting in front of your tv with a cup of tea,
You're at my side as i hide my pain and shame, broken, but pretending to be strong,
All for you.

I know i will walk this dangerous path until i find closure,
Something that isn't you ignoring my existence,
Don't you realise that there will come a day,
When you and i will meet again, in some inconvenient circumstance,
You may run the other way, again,
But i wonder what you will think when you look in my eyes,
And see that there is no passion left in me,
No lust for life.

For why should i strive, if my reward is this?

I could explain to you the exact process by which my Brain craves something more,
It begs for Dopamine, Seratonin and other such delicious chemicals,
It gives me sunshine, when the rain pours through the crack in my window,
I gives me happiness, when my psyche wanders to it's bad old ways.

Is there more to life than the things we perceive with our primitive organs?
I'm not so sure.
So i fill my bloodstream with these potions that make me see beautiful things,
So i fill my lungs with the acrid taste of fantasy,
So i fill my veins with hope, and dreams of when i was happy,
So i fill my head with the notion that i can stop whenever i want,
And deprive my Brain of this reality, in the hope it will give me something more appealing.

A wise man once said, that only a life lived for others is worth living,
And so i find myself worthless, bathed in glorious hedonism,
Alone in my palace of dreams.

I'm living in a sandbox,
As i walk and talk, i watch the wind make change to my world,
Painful, awkward change.

I am accepting this, but i feel as though under everything you say, there's this shout of help,
Coming from the part of you that would never tell me things straight, that regrets her silence,

It's a choice between facing the pain i must endure to become stronger,
or falling, smiling, back into the flames.

Even if you will never love me again,
Know that you will never truly be loved as i loved you.
Passionately, unashamedly, and unconditionally.

If there was even a single doubt about your decision, you must tell me,
Or truly **** my hope.
No pride, nor hubris, just our souls, as we once were.
For like yours, my heart is telling me to do things i don't want to do.

We need to get this transition over with,
Like ripping off a plaster.
So help me feel not so lost.

But spare your cruelty, my heart cannot take the fact that things turned out like this,
nor can it stand the thought of you with another,
So i ask you as a friend, try to steer these scenes from my eyes.
For i don't want to cry again.

There was a time when idolized the tortured artist.
I now realise that there is a price that must be paid for this new insight into my soul.

I'm no longer equipped with the tools to look after myself.
I'm no longer functional.
I watch my mental health deteriorate, and these pills are yet to work.
Just keep taking the pills, just keep taking the pills.

Hour 85 of my most recent waking period, and my Brain shows no signs of tiring.
I would give my life to be happy.
I would gladly forfeit my consciousness if it would buy your sanity.

Memories repressed, clawing at the curtains.
I won't let them in.

Stop talking to myself, please stop talking to myself.
I only talk to myself because there is no one else.
I feel like it is too painful and awkward a process to say;
"I'm sad and lonely, can we hang out and pretend like i'm normal?"

If only i were honest with myself.
If only i could forgive myself.
If only these pills would fix my broken mind.

I wish i could travel in time, i would have myself live life to the full,
Before the cumulative pain and regret rob me of my sanity.
Watching my mental health deteriorate as surely as hair grows and dawn fades.

I'm ready.

Embrace in the light of the streetlamp, nevermore.
Laughter and smiles at my **** jokes, nevermore.
Butterflies when i know you're coming, nevermore.
Dread when i see you leaving, nevermore.
Sadness when i watch you walk away.

I wonder if this week was as horrible and ****** for you, as it was for me.. :/

every now and again,
it's like there's a lump in my throat.

like hearing second hand what she was doing,
always the last to know.

there's no excuses here,
only the pain and vacuum of trust.

i don't feel like things are different,
i'm really trying my best.

but when i see these things,
before my very eyes, it's insulting.

as though a child couldn't see what's been going on,
UT TIBI SIC ALIIS.

Do unto others, as you would have done unto yourself,
that was our motto, how ironic.

Just drag me back to those anxious days,
and watch dream turn to dust.

well, whatever really.

MS.


i began this in 2010, completed it from an old lost page today.

It's so confusing to find
when i'm feeling so up
and i feel the steaming cauldron
begin coughing up blood

why's my pillow red?
i've been feeling so fine
but the body gets worse
when there's light in my mind

irony, oh irony, if i had words i'd curse you,
but i'm busy wiping blood from my chin.

When reading through previous works, it is obvious from the number of times i refer to myself, that i am selfish. I'm sorry for seeing things so one dimensionally. I wish you health, and a long fulfilling life, filled with Joy and Love.

Most of all, if you read this, i just want you to know that i'm sorry for everything.

I wish you all the happiness and luck in the world. God knows, and so do i, that you deserve it.
Yours,
One who will regret no more.

Light is a curse.
It illuminates and makes all my greatest flaws visible.
It brings to bare all of my greatest fears.
It's the harbinger of all tragedy.
It showed me what i didn't want to see.
It told me what i didn't want to know.
10 months, all for nothing.
All i have to show for my love;
is a heavy heart and a darkened soul.

Not to mention the urge to drown myself in anything that takes you off my mind.

To wash away the anguish,
Like God's own rain on my skin,
Your touch cures me,
Your Gentle caress releasing so much tension,
I feel human again,
I feel wanted.

I looked into Pandora's box, and guess what, i didn't like what i saw.
I saw someone i care about, reeling, and throwing herself into the arms of men who care for nothing but ***.
You never said what you wanted to say to me, and you still don't, Confusion turns to Anger and now my name is the dirt you walk on. Have you no idea, that the worst thing that could happen to my soul right now, would be for you to say "i've changed my mind".

I feel happy again, i still miss you, and i know i'll never have a love like yours. So why try reclaim the past? why should i stitch myself back together to be torn apart once more?

You wasted your time on me eh? that's nice, what a lovely thing to say,
I hope one day you find someone you wont omit those most important truths from,
Someone like me, but not me.

The Chapter is written, I will always love you.
But it is a dead love, and knows no resurrection or solace,
Closure is what we both need, I don't like seeing **** take advantage of the emotionally vulnerable, especially not one i value so much, my friend who doesn't talk.
My love who doesn't love me.

Remember who you are, because i can't do it for you.

I'm an investor, and a Fool.
I didn't just lose faith in your love, for I devoted a part of myself to loving you.
I fear this part of me is lost forever,
doomed to always wonder why being everything i could be, was not enough for you.

Instead in my absence, you lusted for others, and decided that what once was golden;
could never be so again.
If only you'd given me a chance! but hindsight only makes the ache worse.
I have infinite patience, but once faith is broken, it cannot be restored.
The instant i looked in your eyes, i knew you'd given up on me.
I honestly tried to make it easy on your conscience, but i never knew that by trying to do so,
I destroyed my own.

I made bitter, what once was understanding,
and I find myself walking the same road, searching for faith,
I've lost too much already, maybe it's time for a Long Walk.

I think about you a lot, i think about lot's of things, and each in infinite context.
I find that wherever my mind wanders, it finds it's way back to you, i feel as though, even in this limited objective view that is being human, you have made things less narrow. Since i met you my horizon has become broad, for i was always a pessimist, persistent in my view that things would go wrong,

but then i met someone so improbable, someone who was so different to everyone i knew,
Yet i feel as though now she's here, she is filling a void i did not know existed.
For i had never known love, until i felt her touch.

I think, that to think, is to live.
I often think about how i love you.
I guess that you're love is very much a part of my every thought, and by extension me.
So very deep down i yearn for, and feel to be true, that you reciprocate this, reciprocate me.

Like two mirrors, forever feeling and showing, Infinitely loving.
I love you.

What do you do,
when the only person you can confide in,
is the person you want to talk about.

I'm doing my best, I'm trying my best.

Perspective is a vexing beast,
With a million eyes, and none.
When nights were long, and wills were weak,
My Hope, My Songs, forever gone;

Perspective was blind, curled in my lap,
Abyss cradled my heart;
A sweet embrace, that makes no promise,
It offered only Dark.

A peace so deep,
Asleep like Death,
Ambition was amiss;
The struggle on,
The bleeding one,
A bitter, rending Kiss.

Something strange did happen then,
Forms gained focus, Children of Men,
From among the hoards,
Ignoring Billboards,
I saw love and loss in all Men's Eyes.

And then i knew my Rite was through,
For we all suffer the same;
Strength is found in Adversity's wake,
My will no longer lame.

I have attained an enlightenment that is not bound to me by the things i have accrued and paid for.
I have attained a Love for all Men that is no Ballast to be dropped, so that i may rise up.
I have made Stoic my Heart, and will not so easily be darkened again.

Feeding the Shards of my Soul,
To the Fire that is Life;
Piece by piece becoming whole,
To rise above my Strife.

I need to cry.
I want to all the ******* time, but i can't produce a single tear.
I want to cry on your shoulder, but you've moved on.
And i know, you're the only person in the entire world i can feel so comfortable with.
I just need to cry,
I'll explode if i don't,
I worry about what i'll do if the sadness keeps churning into frustration,
Watching all the bright futures fade into dust,
After watching my relationship turn to ****,
After watching you walk away, knowing i no longer live in your heart.
It makes me feel so much worse,
Even if you don't love me anymore,
I need this favor,
I need you to help me cry.
I need to say goodbye.

I saw you before, it ached to know that i can't just walk up and say "hi" anymore.
You were walking the other way, which is probably for the best, and made the bittersweet jump of my heart all the more saddening.

why do things have to change? i thought i was okay, i thought i was doing fine, dealing with this.
but if feels like there's something missing, there is something missing.

if i told you the truth about how this ******* makes me feel, would it even make a difference?
no, it's over now, I've lost a lover.
I've lost my friend.

There's no recompense to be had here.

Everyday it gets worse,
Everyday you're just that bit further from caring,
Time wastes no time,
He steals you away, his best friend bad consequence shielding your eyes,
I wish i could go back,
Let you know that i would have changed anything to make it work,
I put my soul into this, but the love i feel is not reciprocated,
And never again will i have the pleasure of your lover's touch,
Never again will i see the look in your eyes, when your love was like a spring.

Am i being blindly hopeful? am i seeing what i want to see?
i honestly, do not know how i'm supposed to feel.
My chest is exploding, and there's a tug of war between my brain and my heart.
Please try to understand, I still love you.
Which makes these questions so hard to ask.

Only when i read what i have said to you aloud,
Do i realize how desperate and childish i am.
Which is only natural,
When i know i'll never kiss you again.

I miss your embrace, and the feeling that it once stood for.
I miss your love.

why don't you say you love me anymore?