why don't you say you love me anymore?

every now and again,
it's like there's a lump in my throat.

like hearing second hand what she was doing,
always the last to know.

there's no excuses here,
only the pain and vacuum of trust.

i don't feel like things are different,
i'm really trying my best.

but when i see these things,
before my very eyes, it's insulting.

as though a child couldn't see what's been going on,
UT TIBI SIC ALIIS.

Do unto others, as you would have done unto yourself,
that was our motto, how ironic.

Just drag me back to those anxious days,
and watch dream turn to dust.

well, whatever really.

MS.


i began this in 2010, completed it from an old lost page today.

I think about you a lot, i think about lot's of things, and each in infinite context.
I find that wherever my mind wanders, it finds it's way back to you, i feel as though, even in this limited objective view that is being human, you have made things less narrow. Since i met you my horizon has become broad, for i was always a pessimist, persistent in my view that things would go wrong,

but then i met someone so improbable, someone who was so different to everyone i knew,
Yet i feel as though now she's here, she is filling a void i did not know existed.
For i had never known love, until i felt her touch.

I think, that to think, is to live.
I often think about how i love you.
I guess that you're love is very much a part of my every thought, and by extension me.
So very deep down i yearn for, and feel to be true, that you reciprocate this, reciprocate me.

Like two mirrors, forever feeling and showing, Infinitely loving.
I love you.

I hope that if you read this, you will understand fully the journey it took to get here.

i've heard every excuse, i've heard every justification. you have to understand, the worst part of it is the feeling that it is something about me that makes them do it.

i don't think you know how much it hurts, when you tease me about the mysterious stranger with whom you now share your bed. i know he is a stuffed animal, but until you stop teasing, until you stop toying, all i can feel is the ******* blood boil in my veins, and then the anger subside, and anguish churn my stomach.

everyone has their trouble, and i have mine. the trouble with me, is that i trust you with my life, and at the same time, i have learned from experience that i will always be betrayed. it's not me, it's her. i just wasn't there enough. i just didn't care enough.

i've always known that every excuse given was false, the truth is that i cannot provide anything but love and happiness. i cannot guarantee wealth, nor riches. and in a world where dreams die young at the hands of reality, i have no future. there is no world for me, only the corpses of my dreams, smiling cadavers, waltzing to their demise. this is a weary world for the honest and good.

i want you to read this, and at the same time i don't. but most of all i would just like you to know that i love you unconditionally. i would like you to know that i trust you. and i would like you to know that the sick feeling i get in my guts when you're not here, is not mistrust, just bad experience telling me that

things don't seem to change.

i've been through so much ****, i was broken until i met you,
but you'll always be the one i think of when i wake, my soul mate.