1

he looks into her eyes she into his stretching between is thread fragile as string of pearls if either moves too fast pulls too hard strand will snap pearls slip away who dares to charm rattlesnake take it by nape tie ends wear it as necklace love is reckless

2

first time he saw her he lost control heart spun like pinwheel  forgot what he know light burst into dungeon of dreary soul oasis in middle of desert bowl

3

he wishes there was way to get her to want him catch her heart pervade her fantasies he wonders if ever there was such power potion some ancient incantation arouse wild pangs of desire must be some secret place within her tendon to be touched causing her to tremble swoon lie down call out for him

4

i surrender i’m yours take me teach me shape me to be what you want need let me be your main squeeze most valuable player devoted confidante perfect compliment constant companion wildest fantasy life long lover volley your serve adjust to your moods make mistakes into masterpieces race you home to see who starts dinner do anything for you alone fulfill me trust believe in you we belong to each other give you confidence support inspire delight you lay great fortunes at your feet some men choose gold some men choose God i choose you may they find our bodies embraced together still warm after thousand years oh my love you are there like wild swan dragging wing across water take me as jumping fish take me as howling wolf take me as grizzly bear take me as wild stallion

5

it is hidden between them feeling around stirring nearer exploring along secret paths in early morning dew he scouts ahead skimming lightly over landscape finding area discerning scent following trail growing aroused stalking in grassy protrusion leaping across gushing stream treading in undergrowth probing spreading open folded wrap deeper into denseness she is slower drowsy yet playful coming up step by step lingering at each plateau meandering in hollow picking berries handfuls rolling them in her palms putting them in basket humming to herself she hears wolf howl she runs basket swinging jiggling berries dropping some her rhythms drifts across meadow root pulls slams him hard he prods in frenzy entwined as branches knot quiver knot forest spins around him over his head dizzy he collapses she shivers tingles whispers laid out in flowery moss resting beside tree basket spilled crushed berries all around her

late summer 1984 Odysseus thinks he sees girl resembling Bayli walking large black dog on armitage street he and Farina still puppy follow girl and her dog to oz park as he nears yells “Bayli?” she looks around replies “Odys? oh Odys! i can’t believe it’s really you it’s so good to see you i’ve missed you so much how’ve you been?” “oh god Bayli i’ve missed you so much too how are you? are you still married?” she answers “we recently divorced he turned out to be real **** secretly borrowed money against mortgage to our house to buy ******* he’s a drug addict we lost everything i’m staying with girlfriend from work then moving this weekend to north carolina where my parents now live” he gazes at her thinks how grown-up lovely she looks she wears tight black jeans tank top beneath short red leather jacket black pointed boots they chat while Farina follows Bayli’s ******* dog he invites her to his place nearby to look at some drawings she agrees tells him thrift-store shirt he is wearing is very cool he offers it to her on the way they pass gare st. lazare Bayli says “i love this place Odys i’m starved haven’t eaten all day let’s stop for a bite let me take you to lunch” he says “i’ll have a cocktail” they tie dogs to parking meter go inside sit in booth drink several screwdrivers smoke talk Bayli orders steak and fries Odysseus orders ****** mary madonna’s “like a ******” plays from bar speakers Bayli comments “there’s still innocence about you Odys i can feel it you’re like child full of gullibility wonder how have you managed to survive?” his eyes glance down speaks “oh Bayli if only you knew the truth it hasn’t been easy” he nibbles one of her fries explains “i’ve struggled Mom and Dad pushed me into commodity markets that was total disaster i’m trying to get back to my true self stumbling every step i’ve made some new drawings you’ll see let me take some water out to the dogs i’ll be right back” they hang out at gare st. lazare for hour talking ordering another round of drinks later when they arrive at his place dogs race up stairs Bayli peers around at drawings on walls “Odys you’re a real artist i’m astounded by your work you’re better than i ever imagined i wish i could say same for myself my life is in ruins man i married physically abused cheated on me stole 10 years savings $260,000 i need to go home to my parents rebuild my life starting from scratch” he kisses her lips they embrace she smells like vanilla he slides hand between her thighs in nurturing voice she says “slow go slow Odys” they tear off each other’s clothes he recognizes her knobby knees he so loves notices her bush has grown fuller ***** longer Bayli has matured into superb lover he adores way they relate over time Odysseus has drawn many sketches of Bayli yet he neglects to show her his thoughts run wild with lightness this afternoon he is so thrilled he dismisses all the things he wants to tell her his mind drifts in world of fantasy forgetfulness he fails to comprehend what Bayli means to him in numb dumb way in passion of  moment Bayli is just another piece of *** another colorless girl passing through his life he looks at her his most perfect ideal woman admires her body yet cannot see her does not realize brain does not register speaks her name Bayli the most beautiful sound his ears can hear but it is just another name how can this occur? they make tender passionate love then he asks her to model she consents he positions her lying down on her back with arms legs outstretched like she is floating he positions her on her knees with hands cupped then clasped like she is praying he positions her curled up on her side watches her get dressed leave go to her parent’s home in north carolina why doesn’t he beg her to stay rebuild her life with him? why does he let her go? what is he thinking? that is just it he is not thinking and for 2nd time it costs him love of his life there is no one to blame but himself when did he become so empty?
what kind of man am i to walk the streets in search of love? once i was loved by beautiful sweet woman who was content just knowing i was happy Bayli was pure honest loyal i thought her a child yet she is more woman than i have ever known thought because she came so easily i could easily get better i let her go the one person in whole world who really loved me made me happy kept me in light i told her someday when i am recognized artist with money respect i will come for her until then we both need time to build towards our destinies it doesn’t matter what i told her she’s gone what kind of man am i to walk the streets in search of love? how do i hold myself responsible for my own stupidity? i’ve had such incredible women offer themselves to me and turned away slamming door on love what kind of man am i to stalk the streets in search of love? i’m going to get so drunk i won’t be able to recognize myself in mirror

outside is sweltering monsoon humidity but no rain prior to now inside the bank is air-conditioned crammed full with Friday late afternoon customers she stands in line wearing short cut-off jeans flip-flops loose-fitting silk fawn chemise hair in pigtails holding wallet thinking to herself the man in me wants to enter through your kitchen door famished fingers itching breathing hard the woman in me wants you to lay me out on supper table have your way gently slobber berry pie laughs aloud to herself as others standing in line look on smile politely too reserved to ask what’s so funny she questions her proclivity to become lesbian more likely she is searching for sincere strong yet somewhat ambivalent male capable of switching roles humoring her playing with flights of imagination

2

the heat is getting to everyone tempers run short irritability prevails birds with open beaks **** in hot breaths comb dry dust blown yards for scraps vast patches of mesquite pale yellow cracked pods strewn along streets sidewalks palo verde trees vibrate hissing buzzing cicada chant he turns water heater off cold water faucet on but it makes no difference mildewed towel restless sleepless wrestled bed sheets in morning sun’s defiant glare merciless he recalls clammy summers in Chicago working downtown riding screechy bumpy “el” train home smell of burnt electrical wiring perspiration beads rolling down arms backs of hands soaking wristwatch band dripping from forehead sticky clinging clothes observing other passenger’s misery discreetly focusing on females knowing they’re suffering from same circumstances thinking about dampness between their thighs and for brief moment escaping oppressive condition in that sweet warped imagining

3

she determines pinot noir unseasonably heavy decides instead on sauvignon blanc opens closet door choosing what to wear in this unrelenting muggy heat

4

more than anything he wants to belong with female partner

5

she imagines a kiss

6

he thinks about a smell

7

she stands undecided in ******* in front of closet mirror 7 outfits scattered on bed she is more intelligent shrewd clever than this foolish display looks inside herself for serenity calm out of the blue she smells it hears it however late the monsoon rains finally arrive she will clothe accordingly

they are standing in line at a café on 4th avenue he is directly behind her she is lanky wearing white background faded colors patterned summer dress thin straps over bare shoulders brown hair some gray cut to shoulders small unfinished tattoo on left calf leather slip-ons 1 inch heals he is at a complete loss for words thinks to make remark about the weather decides not to overhead fan stirs hot humid July air barista girl asks what she would like her eyes scan blackboard menu behind counter she hesitates remarks help him i need an extra moment to decide he steps up to counter money in hand orders small to go Arnold Palmer half black current lays $3 on counter mentions change goes in tip jar thank you barista girl moves fast he lifts cup from counter glances at woman still deciding then at barista girl says have a wonderful day turns walks out door dawns on him woman grows hair under her arms his 2nd most compelling female physique adornment fetish oh god he thinks to himself should i wait for her to make up her mind then approach try to craft conversation at least find out her name no i’m too weak in this moment she is so lovely let her go

she orders double Americana in small cup to go room for soy milk thinks to herself he did greet her perhaps their paths will cross on street why did he run off so fast she glances toward front of café notices window seat changes her mind instructs barista ******* 2nd thought make it for here digs through purse realizes she left wallet in truck explains to barista girl she needs to run out to her vehicle to retrieve wallet under front seat the air on the street is heavy dense she smells her own perspiration looks north then south does not see him walks to truck feels exhausted appetiteless almost nauseous wishes she did not order a drink thinks to get behind wheel drive home go to sleep

She looks at mirror
Cannot understand
What she’s become
Never queen her entire life
She glances out alley window
Into 4am darkness
Feeling tragic ending
To accidental romance
Premeditated ******
In Chicago in bitter winter
In rundown diner kitchen
Haphazardly displayed
Sharp shiny axe
Above doorway
White lit sign with red lettering
That spells TIXE

the limits of language futility of language languagelessness of language how to speak write express within the confines of language inadequacies of language how to describe thoughts feelings ideas with 26 letters however many words to conform to standards of language imprisoned by rules of grammar punctuation how to reveal what happens inside your stomach psyche breath bones blood muscles nerves glands equilibrium first time you feel totally free dance joyfully yell first time you feel in love sprout hopes imagine winter spring dreams first time you learn betrayal the selfish isolation in everyone first time you realize the corruption unkindness cold-blooded wickedness of people the pain suffering within us all what anguished syllables utterances can describe the sadness hurt frustration deep inside language how do you convey crippling emptiness of loss the challenge of language to create more profound articulation vocabulary undamaged by media untainted by commercialism to communicate without derivative talk simple sounds maybe be understood appreciated my long journey so shell-shocked  i can't process a million diamonds languagelessness of language way back to you

It was obvious how to do it
Yet I couldn’t figure it out
Until I saw it in a movie
Then it became a question,
Was I wicked enough
To pull it off?
Was I strong enough
To see it through?

In one instant, you’re alive,
Eyes darting, heart pounding,
Gushing love, throwing temper tantrums,
Collapsing under weight of existence.
In next instant, you’re dead,
Cold and lifeless, end of story.
Leaving arriving escaping
The perspiration ***** smell of fear

People tell me how smart I am,
But I’m not really smart,
More like lucky, and fast runner.
I run from everything.
Did I ever tell you about the times
I’ve run straight into death’s grip,
And that *******
Keeps spitting me out

One more day, year, decade.
Ok, I say, and make more drawings,
More paintings, more poems,
More stories, more lies.
Live long enough, everything you know collapses.
I know I can be a terrible *****.
I apologize.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Dreaming of moving away
Packing only bare bones of love
And commitment to never betray
Leaving arriving escaping
I wish I were married to one woman
And we lived quiet life sustaining passion
Is sustaining passion possible?

Under weight of existence?
One more moment, hour, night,
Eyes darting, heart pounding,
Gushing love, emotional insecurities,
Making more drawings, more paintings,
More poems, more stories, more lies.
People tell me how smart I am.
I can’t figure it out.

sleeping waking swallowing breathe in breathe out in out in out breathing breathing breathing through the heat through the wind through the hurt and dreaming grows so maddening and praying so desperate rainer i hear you your monsoon tears pattering on roof slowly wearing away my pièce de résistance in a perfect world everything imperfect would feel perfect belonging through the cold through the damp through the chill there are no more mountains barely a tree nothing dares to stand nowhere a tower 2 eyes too many hungry strangers beg taunt rob who knows the way what sign? the sun defiantly stares rude invasive heavy summer glare women glance beyond smile shimmering for someone else walking running racing towards autumn cooling in the place where sad women know trouble respecting women when they do not respect themselves i love women so deeply and courage has grown so weary and longing so great i bow to you rainer through the dark through the light through the dark

1

fun flipped me like a flying ninja i wasn’t expecting her no matter how bad things get there’s always sailing free bird holy crap big wave her kiss ***** little drunken boat wine dark sea she’s hungry no money tip-toe slow breathe speed up pretend love imaginary girlfriend astonishing

2

what if god spoke to you commanding forget all you believe turn away from me invent new god for i have failed would you disobey god? monkey chants just little bit more just little bit longer just little bit more just little bit longer god warns what you hope and pray for will destroy you monkey squeals leaps from tree to tree little bit longer little bit more

3

i wanted to look good for him hoping he would desire me i chose to wear long beige corduroy cowboy skirt with pearl snap buttons and smiley slit pockets i found at thrift store and thin sleeveless white t-shirt no bra black cardigan cashmere sweater leather sandals ponytail i neglected shaving legs and armpits and wondered if he would mind or assume my ****** smelled *****?

4

pretend girlfriend imagines love astonishing god amusing monkey she whispers tree to tree little bit longer little bit more no matter how bad things get there’s always holy crap to laugh about and smell of the sea ***** oil dark sea never give up your hopes and dreams for there is where the fun flips you like a flying ninja when you least expect

perhaps the greatest anguish is old age to be confined in earthly suit of shriveled skin aching bones constrained by ever-thinning breath with no escape but hope of death

1

OLD MAN (cantankerously) why is it taking so long

DEATH i’m very busy right now my associate overbooked and i’m swamped with appointments

OLD MAN you’re telling me it’s your associate’s fault

DEATH who could of seen this coming

OLD MAN don’t you plan ahead

DEATH calm down old age relies on wisdom and patience

OLD MAN easy for you to say you’ve got eternity

DEATH i’ve got another caller may i please put you on hold

OLD MAN no! this is unfair i’ve pondered drifting away for years now i’m hurting bad and need your attention hello?

DEATH this is a recording if you would like to know your balance press 1 if you would like to transfer funds press 2 if you need to speak to a representative please hold (slow polka music begins)

OLD MAN **** you (pounds fist on bed surface)

2

OLD WOMAN i was once a dazzling beauty i could have any man i wanted i still look good for my age but i can’t get my table server’s attention i’m sick of this disrespect i want to speak to the manager

DEATH how can i help you

OLD WOMAN i’ve been coming here for years this is no way to be treated get me a menu and ***** on the rocks

DEATH please accept my apologies Madame but there is no ***** no menu

OLD WOMAN don’t you get smart with me

DEATH may i offer you a complimentary last breath

OLD WOMAN fine whatever (her crooked fingers wring napkin then straighten fold it on lap) i knew your mother and father they would never let you get away with this

DEATH you may be mistaking me for someone else

OLD WOMAN look at you with that judgmental glare in your eyes you think i don’t know what you’re up to

DEATH i’m here to serve you

OLD WOMAN that’s right now get me a menu and ***** on the rocks

DEATH i’ll see what i can do

what are we doing in afghanistan? iraq? is there good reasons to risk lose so many brave people’s lives? why since 1980’s do we outsource our jobs? what were we doing in vietnam? some shrewd people are making lots of money but why are we american people allowing it? what does this say about us? why do we give away lose best parts of ourselves? masochism? self-hatred or low self esteem? indifference? self-righteous ignorance? what? why can't we be good honorable country who make great stuff and aren't bossy? i don't understand what can we do to make peaceful harmonious planet?

sea turtles belly-up in ocean oil rig spewing in gulf what is the goal in afghanistan will someone please explain to me what is the strategy what does the united states realistically hope to achieve? anyone try scoring heroine on the streets lately cheaper cleaner stronger than ever good afghany white traitor in the house killer in the house quiet as a mouse children signal from hilltops dust of advancing armored vehicles thunder in the ground bullets blackening air smell of gunpowder **** birds eat my grapes tomatoes predator drones targeting 2 moving bodies smell of *** my nose tongue deep inside your darkness deep inside your alley cat catahoula hound killer in the house quiet as a mouse night descends **** fool moon children running to front lines unafraid to die soldiers crawling to front lines tormented by nightmares losing their nerve with every lie they tell themselves seemed like good idea at the time it’s complicated who made us what we are we’re all crazy dream of paradise wind struggles twists my stomach a man like you her eyes beg for your return deep inside your alley cat catahoula hound killer in the house quiet as a mouse

karl marx wrote in 1844 once i have money i am no longer bound by my individuality i am ugly but i can buy for myself the most beautiful women therefore i am not ugly for effect of ugliness its deterrent power is nullified by money did you hear what he said? i am ugly but i can buy the most beautiful woman written over 150 years ago but it’s still true women are commodities slaves provider has too much money used to getting his way wants control yet intended outcome is reversed recipient grows sick of accommodating provider’s demands eventually no *** nobody wins how many gorgeous women are lonely untouched longing? truth is provider is too insecure to allow possibilities experiment ok you be the man ok let’s both be the man woman whatever we live in primitive time karl again if money is bond binding me to human life binding society to me binding me nature man is not money bond of all bonds? can it not dissolve and bind all ties? is it not therefore universal agent of divorce? women get to point where they just expect cheating betrayal beatings i don’t understand how does a person believe that’s how life is explain inversely if you really want a guy treat him like **** this **** has been drilled into us hard-wired ingrained deep down in our psyches even long after you were gone i was still doing stuff trying to please you

he dreams he is attending lively flirtatious party with many good-looking people there are also scary monsters with sharp teeth claws horns scaly rutted skin foul smells snapping tails he thinks it strange troubling asks what is going on  fashionably dressed pretty female guest grins answers don’t worry monsters won’t hurt you they’re not for the most part dangerous everything is cool he sits in chair sips drink trying to feel relaxed but monsters keep pestering harassing one monster spills drink on his pants another monster bites his ear he cannot get away calls out for help but all the beautiful guests have disappeared party now crammed with scary monsters friendly monster explains people are actually imagined personifications belonging to each monster then all the monsters gather around cackling clapping dancing last thing he remembers as friendly monster holds up mirror to his face is another monster gurgling let you be you

The dead ask nothing

Nothing offers no answer.
Life makes demands.
She reminds me of someone.
I once was deeply in love.
The glass is empty,
yet she keeps sipping the straw.

The surgeon’s serrated saw,
severed crown of his skull,
to allow brain swelling.
The detachment is frozen,
in purgatory, in Paris, California,
in as much as I can gather.

I keep making
the same mistakes, over and
over. Eternity is preposterous.
She has same prominent forehead, same
brown silken hair, same slender fingers
as my ex, same buttoned-up betrayal.

“Man-up! You ******* *******,”
she said, he said, their
ceaseless quarreling
makes me hide.
Stomach knots, breathing hurts.
The allure of her stink.

My sister insists
it will be okay.
The glass is half.
Mom can’t remember.
Everything fits neatly.
She burrows in the booth.

This one needs money,
that one needs parts,
liver, lung, cerebrum, heart.
Her hands cup the glass.
She gazes beyond.
Everything is a lie

unlit bare stage 2 voices

VOICE 1 (hollers) everything!

VOICE 2 nothing

VOICE 1 (yells louder) everything!

VOICE 2 (speaking volume fading) nothing

VOICE 1 (screaming jubilantly) everything!

VOICE 2 (whispers) nothing

VOICE 1 (earsplitting blare) everything!

VOICE 2 (silent)

in my dreams there always is a woman beside me talking touching flirting with me looking out for me making love with me standing up lying down for me loving playing dancing accompanying me but in real life there is no one i wake from sleep and there is nobody a bed  empty of amity why do my dreams feel more real fulfilled with love companionship intimacy than my real life which is void of a partner i scratch my hand it starts to bleed is that real yes i am old my skin tears easily yet it feels like a dream why is my skin so thin when did i get so old why is it 4 AM and there is no one but me i want to believe linger live in my dreams laugh play make love with her forget my real life where is my partner but there were other times in my awake life when my dreams were all nightmares what am i supposed to believe this existence is a long disturbing journey with magnificent swirling colors faces bodies sounds echoing ticklish laughter chomping on carrots celery what is real what is time who are my parents who am i have i totally lost it what was it that i once had what did i lose i’m confused where is she the woman in my dreams who accompanies me lives works sleeps showers makes love with me my companion lover where is she where have i strayed

the women in my family always have answers they don’t know how to pause wonder me and nobody meet today she walks funny strange we glance smile giggle i am captivated ask for her number she gives it to me i wait day then call we make date meet for coffee talk laugh she tells me about her folks brothers i listen we walk home flirt tease she admires my place paintings i pour 2 glasses of red wine she grabs embraces heart beating wildly we kiss ***** caress strip **** **** cuddle no one and i begin seeing each other falling in love feeling happy content take each other wherever we go celebrate our anniversary i want her so bad ask ms. nonentity to please marry me she laughs nervously says yes our parents family disapprove we elope me and no one create a life history no that’s not actually true i chickened out lost the love of my life now never married no children no one interested wants me my paintings ms. nobody realizes we have been married for many long years what’s wrong why am i so unnoticed hello? are there words on this page? invisible fiction nobody smiles approvingly she takes my hand kisses it lays her head on my lap i gently stroke her head long hair

I thought to rescue it
and take it home
where it would thrive and find happiness,
but it died after several days.

concerning making the bed i’ve grown rather fussy even meticulous as far back as i can remember i’ve made my own bed even when i lived in my parent’s house many years ago i asked teresa the maid to leave my room untouched and as a child made my own bed i don’t recall being as particular then as i am now in fact when i lived on armitage street in chicago and enjoyed feral affairs with many women i slept on futon on floor with bottom sheet and sleeping bag but that was 25 or more years ago now i pull tight from foot end bottom powder blue sheet and brush area if i find particles or loose feathers i pick them up with fingers and walk them into kitchen deposit them into waste basket then return to bedroom to make the bed i choose to exclude top sheet next i pull quilt cover symmetrically over foot of bed allowing for some over-hang then attend to head of bed flipping and fluffing pillows adjusting duvet proportionately over pillows to top edge making sure if perhaps some woman sleeps with me she will find clean neat spot next to me yet no one has slept with me for years i sleep in queen size bed hoping praying for loving partner but becoming aware i will possibly likely die alone in this bed

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