I feel sick now.
Jaw clenched tight.
As the suns shine,
Begins to fade.
Holding it in,
With all my might.
Dimmed and flickering now.
Holding on with no aide.
Trying not to explode.
IM NOT LOOSING THIS FIGHT!
Like a candle.
Lit only to be seen,
By those who could.
Those, the only who should.
Lit to bring light to this darkness.
Which has risen upon me.
Wax burns away..
As night turns to day.
For what should be replaced,
By the light of the sun.
Is returned only back,
To the absence of light.
The dark slowly creeps in.
Unforgiving,
For any sin.
Not the large or the small.

I can't take this
I'm gonna break
deep thoughts
falling into the abyss
of sorrow
looking ahead
towards tomorrow
but theres no light
at the end of this tunnel
i can't stand it
are you happy
that you've done this to me
now i
can't stand the ******* sight of you
the look
your smell
everything about you
disgusts me
churns my stomach
your empty promises
pierce right through me
like a needle through a vest
or my bullet through your chest
your history
you mean nothing to me
and you try to call yourself a father
but yet you won't even call
why?
thats all i want to know
i want reasons
not excuses
I've grown to old for 'em
there getting useless
i see right through 'em
i'm not stupid
its your loss
ill get through this
but you'll have to live with this
I've done it a thousand times before
you'd say you come
i'd sit and wait
but not even get a call
I'm done wasting my time
i gotta let go
before i commit a crime
by the way dad
i miss you..
but you've blown that now
your chances are done
and now i'm sitting behind this gun
waiting for you to bite the bullet
so all these lies
and deceit will end
no longer will
i have to wait for it to amend
goodbye..

i sit and lie awake
no longer in hate
no longer dreading
the new day to break
you make my heart sing
and rejoyce.
i lie awake
atincipating the new days dawn
the times spent
it went
so fast
the way we met
so suddenly
you were nothing to me
but now you have become me
digging me out of the hole i was in
bringing me to life
back to the surface
like phoenix
rising from its own ashes
rebirthed to a new
openminded
self divided
mind blowingly new self
to live and breathe
once again
no longer do i dread
the sun to come up
now i cant wait for it to arise
so we can once again be together
forever
my little sunshine
i cannot begin to express
my love for you
i say i am true
and so do you
i pray to a god i dont believe in
to know that you mean what you say
and you say what you mean
i am yours
and you are mine
to hold
to love
and to find
a new way
a day
when we can be free
no longer clamped
in the hands of the man
free
free to be
to live
to die
together..

Today
Just doesn't feel right.
Yesterday
Took off
With flight.
Tomorrow
I worry.
I can't wrap my head
Around this.
When were together you seem
To care.
When were not
You appear so rare..
Where are we at?
I'm so confused!
Where will we be in the future?
You need to choose.
I want you,
Like plants want the sun.
I need you,
Like fish need water
In the pond.
Have we moved to fast?
I can't tell.
To me all this just
Feels oh  so natural.
Am I wrong to feel this way?
I honestly can't say.
I need an answer!
Maybe not today
Please think about it.
My feelings for you,
Grow inside me
Like a cancer.
Bigger and greater
As the days roll past.
But maybe one day
Some day.
I will have my answer.
And on this day,
I will finally have my day in the sun.

Why must this be
How is this happening 
You always mange to
Grab a hold of me
Didn't I say
I was done with these games?
Such foolish games
I don't like to play
You know I don't like this
FAll you do is say
These things I cannot hear
I will not
But your a whorl pool 
In my sea of sorrow
Grabbing ahold 
Never ceases to let go
For so long
You always come back
WHY WON'T YOU JUST GO!!
And get out of my head
I want to fall back
Before you came to be
I lived happy
My soul was free
Which seemed it could last
A whole eternity
But now our souls have met
Once again
And will forever be
Until my end

sitting and wishing
waiting
forever itching
to find my way
avoiding the broken path
i like an adventure
take me through the paths
that have yet been unfolded
discover but only to wonder
i want to open a new world
free my mind
float not to be molded
tarpped and strapped
in this life
of being told
what to do and when to do it
i want to drift off in the sea
for forever to be free
swim with the fish
then learn to fly
take off like a bird
flying high in the sky
floating away
finding new worlds
and ways to live
being free
doing whatever i please
living my life
me just being me

thoughts race again
as the daytime flies by
only for the night to crawl past
waiting for morning to begin
i think i might just drown
in that ocean of sorrow
falling down deeper and deeper
wait till tomorrow
to find the answers
until it becomes clearer
im scared now
where does it come from
this emptiness
becoming emotionless
once again
this night
just never ends
i cant get the thoughts out of my head
and just rest
i long for answers
happiness and joy
to no longer to mourn
and scorn
myself
i lay restless in bed
searching
to find no end
to this ongoing cycle
of ups and downs
where to go
or what to do
no cant turnaround
now
too late to go back
you can never do that
you can only go forward
but why must it be
forward and back
not up or down
or left and right
who defines these things?
i can tell you its not me
im just ranting now
but how
shall i go on
and push forth?
if im not sure what im pushing for
or longing to be
im just me
used
confused
a good kid they say
only if they knew
the thoughts
that fill my head
while i lay in this bed
night after night
as i lose
this never ending fight
with my own life
how can i think to be with you?
or anyone?
if i cant be me
how can i be?
i dont even know me
i question who i am
i often wonder who i am
in this world
im lost
confused
broken
and scarred
as i say
but this life goes on
and so will yours
without control
its up to destiny
no other remedy

you
you make me smile
my cloudy days full of sunshine
not rain
at least for a little while
i wish i could express my feelings to you
the butterflies i get just thinking
of
well you know who
its you
the feelings i have for you
that i wish you had for me
are true
although i know
that we are not one together
but just two
lonely rain drops
lost into a sea of emptiness
i long for more
i feel you just adore
my company
not me for me
until i see you again
the sweet smell of your hair
arm in arm
hand in hand
for the time being
until you leave and only then
to be
lost again
in that sea
the lonely sea
controlling me
swallowing me whole
drowning deeper and deeper
until my soul
can no longer be
anything but an abyss
that longs for you
who i miss
no one else
just you
you deserve better than you have
its hurts so bad
to see you frown
it makes me sad
i wish
i could turn
this whole world upside down
just to see
you
happy at last
to see you smile
that beautiful smile
one of kind
the one that makes
my heart beat fast
one which i cannot find
anywhere else
but here
when your near
happy at last

you
you make me smile
my cloudy days full of sunshine
not rain
at least for a little while
i wish i could express my feelings to you
the butterflies i get just thinking
of
well you know who
its you
the feelings i have for you
that i wish you had for me
are true
although i know
that we are not one together
but just two
lonely rain drops
lost into a sea of emptiness
i long for more
i feel you just adore
my company
not me for me
until i see you again
the sweet smell of your hair
arm in arm
hand in hand
for the time being
until you leave and only then
to be
lost again
in that sea
the lonely sea
controlling me
swallowing me whole
drowning deeper and deeper
until my soul
can no longer be
anything but an abyss
that longs for you
who i miss
no one else
just you
you deserve better than you have
its hurts so bad
to see you frown
it makes me sad
i wish
i could turn
this whole world upside down
just to see
you
happy at last
to see you smile
that beautiful smile
one of kind
the one that makes
my heart beat fast
one which i cannot find
anywhere else
but here
when your near
happy at last

Stuck in this reality
Which only feels a fantasy
Felling home and safe
in such an awful place
Nothing to do
Nowhere to go
Only ups and downs
no turnarounds
I don't belong here
Life to you is near
To me
it seems so far away
Its out of touch
But to touch just a bit
would toss him a fit
Its no longer mine
Its all his
No longer can I think
No longer I need to
But the more
I feel the need to
reconnect with myself
I loose myself
Day by day
I gain the might
Night by night
I loose the fight
Second by second
I cant amend it
Longing for reason
I cant stand it
Time just breezing
right past
I must defend it
and gain the strength
to beat it
and defeat it
this demon inside me
who controls
right by me
To him
whats right is wrong
and wrong the right
In the end
I will win this fight
Gain my might
To amend this
And defend my right
as a human being
No longer
doing his bidding
This life is mine
no longer his
I shall not listen
And from now on
forever glisten
In my own pride
and shine
to ride
this ride of a lifetime
on and on
**MY OWN **** WAY

Mind racing
Losing patience
Not sure
Anymore
Whats a dream
Cant take much more
What seems to be
Fantasy
Is really
Reality
My dreams feel real
My life seems fake
When will I
Awake
From this
Never ending
Nightmare
Will it ever be
I cant say
You tell me
You knew everything so far
The answers
What to do
And where to go
But now your silent
Please tell me
You choose the worst times
You're there when I wish you weren't
Absent
When I need you
You come and go
Like dreams can flow
But there is no
Flow with you
Just jagged dreams
and crushing realities
The walls are closing in now
in this dreading place
In which I loath when here
But miss when near
I fear
the outside
Cant stand the inside
I'm lost again
there is
no end
To this madness
My life just full of sadness
This place
is nothing but madness
and mayhem
Bells ringing
Patients screaming
TV blaring
No time to think
Too late to change
You're a prisoner here.

Broken
But yet
still in one piece
Scarred
with no marks
I've lost all control
I have no say
You tell all
But I'm not insane
to me your voice is normal
To others I'm just crazy
But they don't understand
my mission statement
I can lead a normal life
without these pills and places
therapists and psychiatrists

This isn't me.
This isn't you.
What did I do?
What did I do?
Coming here,
was pretty queer.
It wasn't me,
you told me to.
Where can I go?
What can I do?
This really cant be.
Look what you made me do
No longer stranger faces
I've been to this place before

i cant take this
im gonna break
deep thots
falling into this abyss
of sorrow
looking ahead
towards tomorrow
but theres no light
at the end of this tunnel
i cant stand it
are you happy
that you've done this to me
now i
cant stand the ******* sight of you
the look
your smell
everything about you
disgusts me
churns my stomach
your emptee promises
pierce right through me
like a needle though  a vest
or my bullet through your chest
your history
you mean nothing to me
and you try to call yourself a father
but yet you wont even call
why?
thats all i want to know
i want reasons
no more excuses
ive grown too old for 'em
there getting useless
i see right through 'em
i aint stupid
its your loss
ill get through this
i did a thousand times before
youd say you come
id sit and wait
but not even get a call
im done wasting my time
i gotta let go
before i commit a crime
by the way dad
i miss you..

emtee thots fill my head
my mind races
theres no ammend
thoughts of fear
thoughts of sorrow
thoughts of love
where my beer
i need more drugs
to keep me sane
didnt you hear
im out the game
no longer in the clear
ive lost it
and theres no turning back
the ***** in the mis
STRIKEOUT!
turn the lights out
hurry up
before i ******* knock you out
watch out
dont doubt
im crazy, im physco

thots and decisions
questions and contemplations
should i stay or should i go
is this my place
your place
what kind of place
is one like this
medicine and tv
helmets and screaming
i dont belong here
you dont belong here
nobody does
here your not human
just mentally insane
trying to make your way
no one understands
what its like to be me
what i gotta go through
the pain
the hurt
the game
of life
is ridiculous
viscous
and malicious

twisted and insane
broken and starved
blind but driven
i cant feel a thing
nothing matters anymore
i cant see a thing
i can only feel where i want to be
im hungry
i refuse to feed
tired
but all i do is sleep
its all i cant do
in this demented place
i  sleep
i wake but not to eat
but for the after meal smoke
ill nibble a bit
while i sit
and wait
impatiently

locked away
withing nothing to say
but answer
this or that
or how im feeling
do you hear voices?
do you want to live?
if this is what the res of my life holds
than NO!!
who would
its breakfast
smoke
group and group and some more group
lunch
smoke
visit
than
you guessed it
smoke
sit and ****** around
for round 3 hours
than dinner
smoke
sit around
wait for a visit
pray someone comes
smoke
******
smoke
lights out its eleven
please just turn mine out
ive had enough of this
everyday its the same ******* routine
the days are long
wish they were short
but the nights you ask
way too short
lifes too short
to be locked away like this
this *****
no really it bnlows
im loosing it
this pace makes me want to **** myself
more than
anything else

drowning in my own tears
wasting away in all my fears
my hopes, my dreams, my prayers
are gone
gone with the rest of me
gone with no return
never to be
never ment to be
i guess it should be clear
that i want whats not there
i want something i cant have
i want to be with you
but what you mean to me
doesn't seem quite like
what i mean to you
i love you
you said you did
but was it true?

Im sick of you
im done with you
you've put me through enough
your not real
im going insane
im drowning
burning
disappearing into the black abyss
of my empty soul
like a black hole
in the universe
******* in whatever life it can steal
and its ******* all the life out of me
i can barely stand to eat a meal
i was so fixed on you
but now im drowning in you
drowning in this hopeless life
walking on the blade
praying for my life
but this knife
is just to tempting
to accidently slip its way through me
deeper than you have gone into me
youre in my head
when i sleep
your in my bed
when i speed down the road
thinking i lost you
dead and cold
but there you are
there is no escape
everywhere i turn
there you are
my car
my dreams
my hopes
even my prayers
are nothing but your own
i have no thoughts
no feelings
no emotions
NOTHING
I'M NOTHING WITHOUT YOUU!!!!

My end is near
Isn't it clear
This isn't me
Ineed you,
i want you
I love you
But I'm afraid to tell you
how selfish I really am
I can't take this
were in too deep
you're gunna want him
not me
im so afraid
i just want to DIE!!!

Used
Only to be abused
broken and battered
a life full of expectations
of where to go
or who to be
a life without realization
he wants to be like him
or her like her
but what about just bein me
everyone wants to be someone
why cant they just be them
who needs fame
or fortune to be happy
i dont want to be known
i dont want some bone
with a camera following me
i dont need useless money
that wont be used in a lifetime
i just want to get by
no need to leave an inheratance
for the next ones to have
only to leave them with incompitence

sittin in my room
lookin up at my light
wonderin where my lifes gone by
stare out my window
lookin at the sky
thinking how my pasts gone by
look blankly at the tv screen
watchin how people can be so mean
'memberin how
i used be, so **** happy
where can it be?
i sit on the porch askin myself
where did all go
im wonderin myself
how i ******* this all up
and now your gone
once again
i was so **** selfish
it drew you away
and now that your gone
i regret every second of it
wishing it could be different
today
but that wasnt enough
i had to be
just like everyone else
being so mean
when all i was trying
was to get u back to me
but now you wont even talk with me.
but i wont give up
our times not through
you and i both know it
deep down inside
i love u still

Used and abused.
Broken and scarred.
Battered and bashed.
Remains of your,
deceit and lies,
from behind my back.
I'm sick of it,
done with that.
I'm moving on,
and not turning round;
Not again.
I gave you your chances
but u keep goin back.
I tried to work,
this whole mess out.
But now I see.
It's clear to me.
You want him,
or him.
But whoever it may be
I can see,
That its clearly not me.
but u keep pretending
that u want me
im done with your lies
im done with you
i thought we could work this out
but as ive had time
to think about it
its not worth it
not worth my time
ill get through this
and in the end you'll
be the one regreting it.

thots, contemplations
what should i do?
where should i go?
is today the day?
why should i know!
life comes and goes
my life came, i might go
im low and im high
im certainly not high
wish i was so i wouldnt be so low
i think today i must go
go down in flames
burning slowerer than i ever have before
im a ticking time-bomb
but im about to explode
i need to get out of here
the end is near