I still ******* love you
And I don't know what to do about it
Because whenever I start to forget
The sound of Mosquitos
Reminds me of all the whispers
I bet you don't even remember what you said to me
What you promised to me
I don't expect that from you
Monkeys could see what you were doing to me
But I guess my inferiority got to me
And I let it slide
But if strangers tell me to stay away
Should I listen?
You don't even make an effort anymore
So why should I?
Why do I still feel the need to tell you everything
Because it's occurred to me that I don't know you
I don't know if I ever did
But I know that this person you've become
The hallow person
Isn't who I wanted
And I'm a horrible person for saying that
Maybe now that nothing is clouding your judgment
You've realized you can do better
Or admitted that I can
But you were never the kind to admit defeat
There was a time that I couldn't picture my life without you
I cried to you not to go
Not to change
Not to leave me all alone
But now the best thing you can do for me
Is to never speak to me again
I never wanted to be this person
I never wanted to give up on you
But you've given me no choice
Wherever you are
Stay there
Don't come looking for me
Because there is nothing left here
For you to find

I stay up at night
Wondering if you do the same
But I never seem to wonder if you are
Thinking about me
Because you never are
And I wish I could keep you in a bubble
And protect you from anything I see as wrong for you
But you need to make those choices,
Or
Rather
Those mistakes
Yourself.
I can't lead you down a right path
Especially since that isn't the path I'm on.
And maybe what I've been telling everyone is true
I do believe we will be together
In the end
But we aren't ready for our forever to start
Now

I continue to wear sweaters in the summer
To shield myself from you
To protect my skin from your light
Because you are my Sun
Though I wish you were my Moon
Because I can't hide from the Sun.
I can avoid daylight as much as I want
But even at night
The Moon is a reminder of your existence.
If only you were nocturnal
Then maybe I wouldn't be afraid of the day time hours
Maybe I would be able to lay in the grass
And smell the summer
But I guess
Instead
I will sit in the darkness
And smell the smoke
And see nothing
See nothing but the Moon
See nothing but a constant reminder
Of you
And how you shine light on everything you touch
See nothing but whispers
Of dreams long forgotten
From hearts long ago broken
See nothing but nothingness
The miles and miles of nothingness
That I still have to drive through
To reach my happiness
Which ran away long ago.

I'm getting to that place where this feels necessary again
Where my need for validation
Runs higher than my self worth
And I need someone to tell me I'm right
To tell me I'm good
To tell me I'm acceptable
And not in a passive way
I'm done being passive
You tell me what's good for me
And you go off and betray the only one who ever loved you
And that not me
And he's too far away to notice
But the six hour drive is nothing to him
Cause then he gets to see you
And you're giving him up for someone a thirty second walk away
Selfish
You have the world on a string
But that's not enough
You need to cosmos too
And I thought I was done with all this
But it's becoming more and more evident that
It never ends
The stupidity never ends
The selfishness never ends
The greed
It never ends
And for me
Second place is all I get
I am perpetually wearing that blue ribbon
I try to hide it from new faces
Because it forces me to take off my mask
Which is probably see-threw anyway
Cause I've never been able to trick people for very long
They all seem to come to the same conclusion eventually
And when they do
I'm left
Sitting alone
Wondering what I could have done better
Id like to say the answer is nothing
That I did all I could
That they're all ******
And some day you'll find people who actually like you
But those words are more tired than the socks left on the handles
That will never be clean again

I feel like all I ever say is sorry
Well I'm sorry
But I'm done apologizing
For what I am
I'm not my sister
And that kills you
But little did you know
That kills me too
I want to be someone you are proud of
But I won't be someone that I am not
You make me want to indulge in a bottle
And sometimes I do
You make me want to inhale your hate
I usually do
You make me want to rip off me skin
And I always do.
You get what you give
Right?
If you can take it you can dish it
Right?
Well I can give it and I can dish it
But the question is
Can you?
Cause up until now
I have been reserved
And not shared how I really feel
And masked it with feelings you would fine acceptable
But I have come to the conclusion
That I am not acceptable
And I don't care
Cause in no world
Will you ever be close to
Mediocre

We never held hands, at least you never held my hand
And now I'm worried that will never happen
that my hands will stay empty forever.
My hands are perpetual black holes of happiness
******* the joy out of everything they touch
and I'm sorry you got caught up in that
you had no idea what you were doing to yourself when you asked me to talk
and I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the mess you were willingly walking into.
Maybe things would have turned out differently
but I can tell you one thing;
the next time I see you
the first thing I will do is hold my own hand
and pretend it's you.

I believe what my ears hear
What my eyes see
And what my hands touch
So here's what I believe:
Your voice soothes like no other sound
It floats on the air
And even when you are saying
The most douchbaggy phrases
You make them sound poetic
And graceful.
I believe you're beautiful
And no matter how many times I deny it
The state of you is constant and shinning
And so beautiful
It brings me to tears.
You're soft.
And warm.
And strong.
And you make me feel protected when you hold me.
As if
Even if we were about to be murdered
I would feel as if nothing was wrong.
And that's what's wrong.

I'm staring to a wet footprint
At least that's what I think it is
I can't really tell
My vision is too blurring
My eyes are too dry
Because the last time I let go
Seems so long ago
But I'm determined not to do it again
Because
According to your institution
I'm not worthy of release
And all the eyes in this room
Are focused elsewhere
So why do I feel like I'm being watched
And why do I feel as if no one cares
And I'm wondering if I care
If I think the next year is worth this strain
And I'm beginning to be certain it isn't.

I was proud of you
But you ruined that
You promised you wouldn't change again
But you broke that
And it makes me wonder
What else you could break...
I made a habit of not blaming you
Of giving you an out
But that's done.
I'm to blame
You're to blame
Maybe everyone's to blame
But I don't care about everyone
I care about you
And I care about me
And I care about the fact that
Nothing will ever happen.

I always said you looked good in that color but I never knew you listened
And I'll place rose petals on your scars
Until you believe that they
Are just as beautiful as the rest of you.

I try to act like what you say doesn't effect
Who I am or what I do
But it does

I've always been good at falling
but I never really stuck the landing.
I was hoping
this time
you'd be my White Knight
dressed in all black
I was hoping
this time
I wouldn't have to land.
I wanted to be caught
but I slipped through your hands
and into this poem