this is a letter that is long overdue but I didn't think I ever had it in me to write it till now. it's one of those don't ask don't tell situations. but my whole body hasn't stopped shaking since the day I realized you couldn't take it all back. my whole life hasn't been the same. when you hurt me you took every part of me that I didn't even know was there. the voices in my head became someone else, an inner demon of some sort. instead of fighting you I began fighting myself. i want to blame you so bad but we all know who's at fault here. i always felt a sense of resentment towards myself but I always had a way of leaving it in the dark corners of my room, but when I left you I started to sleep with the lights on and they had no problem hitting me all at once. when you hurt me I lost myself. when you hurt me I couldn't stop hurting myself. the idea of being hurt became the only thing that was constant in my life. I wanted to be mad and I wanted to throw all your whiskey bottles at you. I didn't have it in me. I still don't think I do. For awhile being hurt was the only feeling I knew. Remember when I made that dumb mistake of going to see you a couple years back? You told me I needed to relax and you handed me a razor on a silver platter. You said "my hands stopped shaking when I started to bleed" I never knew how to take that, maybe because I was in denial of the person you became. I guess the best way to put it is, I was dancing with a monster. And so were you. The monsters you used to warn me about, is who you became and we both know why. But I never can get myself to say it out loud without wanting to throw up. You know I still blame myself all the time, you did that to me. You made me believe that if something went wrong it was always my fault. I hate it most days but I think I've learned that it's easier to be the one at fault then to let people you love blame themselves. I didn't love you. You only knew how to love yourself and that's far fetched because we both know you couldn't have loved yourself. You told me when we first met that the darkest parts of your heart would never get in the way, you lied. I don't think you meant to lie but you didn't know how to tell me that all you had was dark parts. sometimes I wish I wouldn't have been so naive, but I don't know who I would be right now if it wasn't for everything you put me through. I'm not saying thank you, but I'm not exactly mad anymore. you missed out on the best parts of me and I am glad you did. I guess I will end this with a goodbye instead of a see you later because I really don't ever want to see you again.