only one way to find me
          -living like a voice inside my own head.
that record stopped spinning,
collected dust so long ago,
taking up space on a shelf
I forgot I had.

I swear it feels as if
I walked along a road for quite some time
And didn’t really know which way I should be headed
But kept on walking
Anyway.
And I think my mind went blank a few miles back
And I hurried to make memories
That would last me lifetime
But not matter a day.
And I put my heart into things
I really don’t know
Only to come out with an understanding
That myself is not what matters
To another.
And some days I look at the sky
And I think there must be something wonderful
Waiting for me there,
Because I like to think it’s all a miracle
And we’re all indespensible
In a way that makes us real
To someone so intangible.
I want to shake the world awake
And tell everyone that it’s okay
To not know which way to go,
But to keep on going anyway.

I feel restless again
And I wonder when you’ll come to me.
I wait for you in dreams,
In waking,
In the chilly night air.
Alone, I wait.
I don’t know why
Or what
Or how
Or when,
Only will and I only hope
I hope for something tangible and indescribable.
A conundrum for a dreamer.

I wish that you would say
Lovely is a perfect word
That shoots its way across your mind
Every time you think of me.

I don't believe
That I am so,
A person stretched between
Who she is
(and) Who is she?
And tell me (please)
What you think I am.
I pray you're wrong.
I hope I'm right.
I wonder if you'd bless me,
Carry me up shining hills.
(Tell me who I am)

Could you survive if I
Press panic
Or would you fall to your knees
Like a lackluster hero?
He was made of chimney soot
And deviled eggs,
Laid to waste upon my sheets.
His rotten body, lying close to mine.
So close I could not breathe
Myself back into me.
He wore a face of a
Hallmark clown
To hide all of his thoughts beneath.
But, I remember what it is to
Walk away
From a life that tried
to pull me under currents,
But I have always been able to
Hold on to shores.

It is easier [for me]
To say it isn’t in the books for me to find
A savior to fit the finest form
Of all my varying needs.

It is easier [for me]
To see a tree and think of seeds
And sun and rain
And time
And not to think of a snap
Of *******
And a magical beginning.

It is easier [for me]
To fall asleep, asking myself
For strength I can’t seem to find inside
Than talking to an obscure illusion
That’s really only air.

It is easier [for me]
To doubt, to question, to search, to guess
To make believe I understand
The ways in which I’m never meant to understand
Than to sit back
And listen to words that do not belong to me.

And I swear to God
I’m nothing like I used to be,
Covered in scars and razor-marks
The likes your band-aids
Would never cover.
And I am not the person
That you fell in love with
While we spouted Spanish
Adjectives
We found amusing at 16.
And I hold loneliness
Closer to my half-beating
Heart
Than I used to do in greater days.
You didn’t see me walk along the line
Where one side held
Hope and betrayal
And the other brought madness
And excitement to my door.
You didn’t see the battle
Raging every night inside my head.
You only saw the tears I blamed on other things.
So I hope you know
I’m not the one you think you love.
I’m only talented
In changing masks
At all of the right times.

Collapse into me
Again and again.
I don't want to love like that.
It should remain
As passionate
As it had been before
So that all will know
Time does not mean anything
Because it's all just like
A lake
For us to swim.
Drowning is always an option
For those of us left to float
And
Be adrift all on our own.
Down falls,
To rivers,
And back to the lake once more.

All these people who see me
They don't know who they are.
Everyone's staring in the mirror,
Watching faces fall apart.
I saw a picture looking back,
Hanging high up on a wall.
She whispers to me, with her eyes,
That I, alone, am just
A piece of a large puzzle and
She stares at me and mocks me
With a sneer and not a smile.
She watches me berating
Any fault I can recall.
I'm breaking all my mirrors
Forcing myself not to know
That when I think I see the truth
I barely know a thing at all.

I've tried to believe in you for so long,
tried to hold on -so tight-
to a faith I find heart-breakingly intangible.
And, I wonder so often if its me,
specifically,
who is numb, or if
you're just not speaking to me?
I think about you constantly,
wonder when you'll come my way
and I look for you in images of those I love,
yet only flickers remain.
I suppose its possible
they're only in my mind.
I've always wished I could see you,
wished my heart would split open
and rip to shreds
over a love I can't even imagine,
but I find,
instead,
I am alone
and no one cradles me at night.

Tonight I bring myself to restlessness,
Awake until my bones beg for comfort.
Its these nights I've come to fear.
An un-rested spirit has an open soul
And the night is a blank board
To pin my thoughts upon.
I'm near certainty
in that i believe I always find
Myself this way.
I'm a pinprick in my own design,
Unread, untouched, and restless
To be heard.
And, I don't know what brings me to myself
When the only light I feel
Is from another's lamp,
But my heart is a restless annoyance tonight.
So, I find I count the stars
And label each with misery
And call them friends,
Because that restless desire has set in
And no one else will do.

I crept along the wall
Positive the shadows would conceal me
From the eyes of a hundred
Passers-by
Who knew not what I am here to do.
My shoes provide the silence
With a click
Clack
That resonates and makes my heart thump harder.
I feel the cool paper
Against my back,
And I imagine the swirls
And dips
And paisley prints
Are reaching out
To caress my skin as I slither
Through the hallways,
Missing lights and
Missing sounds
That do not resonate my heart.
There is a room
That glows a sullen blue
At the end of the hall,
And inside I imagine
Would be cooler
Than my favorite drink.
I will find
A mirror that will not reflect the image
Of the man I have become,
But remind me of all
The things I should have been.
A chair with a black cushion
Would hold on to me,
So tight
To assure the world that I am
Just where I am needed to be.
The halls are silent,
No breezes creeping slowly,
No stifled whispers
That reach out to pull me back
To the places I used to sneak.
In there, I can find myself
Wrapped in a dull blanket,
Cocooned by walls of blue,
And I will find peace,
Concealed inside a place
Where no one knows
Who I was meant to be.

Sensible, I'd
think it was the way.
Your heart grew claws
that latched on to my skin
and I wore your obsession
like an overcoat that smells like
mothballs because I was ashamed
to wear it for so long.

And I wrote you
eighty page love notes filled with
all of my nonsensical prose just
so you'd never know exactly
what it is I dream.

And at night I'd pretend
you're lying next to me, a warm
presence for a stiff like me.
And for once my cheeks
would be rose and my
eyes a little lighter,
but in the morning
you're never there
and I am only
human
once again.

inside lines of me.
outside lines,
it seems to be
that you, oh, you
never cease to let me go.
let me dream inside a dream
of drifting,
of unimaginable,
uninhibited existence.
never let me be.
i live behind closed eyes
and never get to be.

Do we go?
Do we?
You have to let me know - I don't
move all that
well
on my own.

Do you swear?
Do you?
Because, I need to know
we're there -
You can't just
Leave me all alone.

But could you?
You could
Wrap me up in
silhouettes - pretend I never was
And I will be gone.
I will.

You collapse into me.
I believe in it.
Suddenly,
A glimpse,
A spark,
A sort of torrid downpour
And I believe we’d dance
Inside a blanket of rain.
And, I believe you
Would come to me,
Awaken all the senses
That I’m sure
Are tired of being dormant.
Oh, I am sure
That you would
Take me into yours
And lay a million
Thriving flowers at my feet
And then sing to me
A song so rich
I feel I could
Burst at the seams
Of a life
I wish to give you.
Oh, I’m sure you’d
Collapse into me
And bring me to you,
Because I believe
There is no other way.

You were always more like twine,
Wrapping yourself around my neck.

So thin you had seemed innocuous
To my gullible eyes,

But once you had enclosed my airway
I was forsaken to eradicate your embrace.

What would you do
with all these pieces of me?
Please be innovative with your touch.
Don't paste them back together
in a crude attempt to recreate me.
Make me new
and whole
and lovely for your eyes to see.

I'd want to be nothing else.

Do you know
That you belong to me?
That every molecule
That you consist of
Is property in my name?

Hair on your arms,
The length of your throat,
That fallen eyelash lying
Quietly on your golden cheek.
All mine.

I’m happy to own the way
You walk into a room
On long legs, lean and sinister.
I have rights to that smile
Curving at the corners,
Revealing
Slightly crooked, still perfect, teeth.
All mine.

And in your arms,
You belong to me.
Your hands surrounding
My jumpy skin
And sliding over me,
Turning me into some sort of
Lazy ****** beast.
Your brazen curiosity.
All mine.

You claim, you feel
You hold, you cradle
All of me within a glance.
You touch, you give,
You crave, you taste
All of me within a kiss.

You overpower,
You own,
You possess
My every movement
And I give in so easily.
All mine.
All yours.

And to know.
Oh, to know just who
it is we try to be
when we're losing thoughts,
losing ourselves in "we."
And you're there.
You're there standing in the garden,
tall and innocent,
staring at me.
And I look at you.
I think we're wondering,
these thoughts we've lost
All tangled tight and broken
now it seems.
But, standing in that garden
I only remember "we."

I purged myself repeatedly
Because you had filled
Me up so heavily and your eyes
Were made of an amber
I could not,
At once,
Forget,
But forgive me of my trespasses.

You were the only one I loved.

What's the point of madness
so deep,
so cunning,
so beautiful?
The doves came out to play
and that song ran through my head.
It was saying,
"Enough will never be enough,"
so why try so hard
to get it all in
before the end of the road
comes upon us.
And, oh,
it's quicker than we know.