I wish that there was a way that made sense for me to show you all of the chaotic nonsense that is lingering along side of me inside my already crowded head.

There are days when i just want to laugh at the silliest things and wear my smile for all the world to see, other days I get trapped in the darkness and I dread the idea of leaving the sanctity of my bed.

Sometimes I feel like all the noise cluttering this world has over run me and is now squatting un welcomed inside my skin and it is enough to drive me mad.

Then in the blink of an eye the nothingness gains back its control and the silence locks me in with my tormented thoughts and memories making me long for the noise I once had.

Like most in this world I have longed to find my One, the missing piece to my puzzle , but i fear my puzzle is defective and I do not deserve the same love back that I wish to give to only you.

Who is this person hidden behind my eyes, she is passionate, firery and can at times be quite playful intertwined with this introverted, angry, and sad entity that has lost her way, not knowing what to do.

Im am drowning in the uncertainty of half the time feeling alone like there is no one that would understand me while I secretly pray  that they don't make it past my defensive wall.

Pushing people away is how I have always made sure I was safe, it is what I have done best, but beneath the scars of my heart I  have been waiting for you to protect me from the scattering debris when inevitably my wall begins to fall.

I remember looking into your eyes and realizing how I was now responsible for this beautiful little life, thirteen years later our connection is so much stronger, as cliche as it may sound.

Your are truly my rae of sunshine, no matter how dark my life can be with out a doubt  it most definitely starts to lighten up the moment that you come around.

I've memorized your smile and each and every little freckle on  your sweet face and only you truly know when i need my space and when to snuggle up close cuz i need you to stay.

I just could not shake the uneasy feeling lingering in  my mind, I now wish that i had listened to my hearts warning for it must have sensed the tragic events that were still to come that  day.

Startled and confused I am awaken from a deep sleep by a sound that starts off a million miles away and steadily grows, a lump caught in my throat as  answered the phone.

His voice angrily shouts commands but all I hear the panicked cries from her, Mommy I'm so sorry I should not have taken them, Mommy I need you, Daddy stop screaming at me just leave me alone.

My mind turning completely numb I am not sure but some how I reacted: What hospital, When and what did she take and if you do not to screaming at her I warned, my adrenaline rushing as we flew out the door.

An hours drive stood between me and my sweet little Sunshine - Rae, I almost lost my baby by her own hand, my mind kept replaying her walking out the door for the weekend, as she turned from the car door with her scrunched up lil nose and said " No Momma I love you more"

If only there was a way that I could take pieces of you and put them in place of the distorted parts that spread their pollution inside of me.

It amazes me how your sadness never kept you down ,no matter how tremendous it was, your strength is all that you would allow the outside world to see.

I wish i could mimic the kindness that you used to show to so many , even to those that repeatedly and intentionally tried to beat down your lovely soul.

If only i could have bathed myself in your charisma or the ability you had to keep moving forward instead of getting swallowed up by misery's black hole.

I imagine myself painting this dark world with the many splendid colors that once poured out from with in your beautiful heart.

I've longed to be able imitate the sparkle that for so long  filled your eyes, only if i were able to use these pieces of you to better myself , but with so much allure I am not sure where to start.

Have I become estranged with compassion, not entirely, I guess I would say only when compassion is directed toward me.
The gleaming gates of tranquility are off there in the distance, but just my luck no gate keeper and I've not got exact change to pay the fee.
I have become complacent in this misguided routine of bitting my tongue only to wearily sit and bide my time.
Unintentionally a barrier was put up that blocks my words from what you understand, yet they flow so freely through my "silly little rhyme"
The sounds that my silent screams make is deafening and this weight I carry is demolishing my inner strength but still I won't let go.
These emotions are festering inside me to the point of bursting out but I must maintain composure for the world must never know.

Theses times ,that I struggle to survive in, lash out with malicious intent cutting deep with in my soul rekindling old irrational fears.

Fighting to maintain some sanity seams futile as time erodes more and more of my spirit throughout the passing years.

I've watched time defeat much more worthy opponents and  leave them quivering from what has become their reality.

The vast array of weaponry is inconceivable, but the most deadly assaults are swiftly silent because time itself we can not see.

Diligently pressing forward in the attack, patiently waiting for the sign of defeat for my movements it knows only too well.

The battle rages on and the casualties weigh heavy on my mind, how much longer can I hold up I wonder, an answer only time can tell.

How is it possible for me to feel utterly alone and at the same time completely suffocated by the people that are surrounding me.

Almost like I'm existing in an out of body experience that has gotten stuck in limbo, doomed to float along side sadness in an empty sea.

Before things even get close to becoming remotely "right" an unseen force, more likely tho it is just me, shifts the balance back  dangerously close to the "wrong"

I feel like I'm twisted amidst a tornado of loss that is sending me plummeting viciously toward the rock face unfortunately I  can not avoid impact for very long

Despite my relentless struggle I find no freedom from this compulsion's grip keeping me confined inside my own subconscious cage.

I agree that living is naturally hard as hell and it takes work to keep a smile on but not even my perfectly painted pretend smile can hide this soul full of sadness, lost hope and rage.

If the parts of me that are worn to show the world could mirror what I stow away deep inside, I wonder if anyone would even recognize this person that the see

Hard as it may be, alone in  silence within this world of only me, I am haunted by the fear that I wont remember how to be part of a world constantly  humming with We.

Change will inevitably grace each one of our lives and the best advice they seam to have for me is to just go with the flow.

Yet this same unstoppable force is what fuels our most passionate quarrels, your famous line "you are not the same person that I used to know"

I  will admit that things about me are not the same but I wish you would realize that this affliction is yours as well and  there a many difference in you too.

I know that you sense my distance and think it is just me being cold, has the thought escaped you that may be result of the inconsistent harshness spewing out of  you.

As the time passes between us we have our ups and our downs, all the while you become more and more focused on the "little things" causing you displeasure.

Yet when push comes to shove and both of our headstrong tempers begin to flare you twist things around and portray me as the aggressor.

My emotions have been on a never ending  roller coaster ride of torment mashed into chaos, yes I have changed cause I can take no more.

Once upon a time our love was effervescent, laughter echoed thru our halls, now the silence of thoughts unspoken replace most all of what was there before.

I always thought that change was a good thing, a natural response to the world that we are surrounded by.

Well whom ever came up with that notion forgot the disclosure...... May cause heartache, inflammation of the emotions and an overwhelming feeling for the need to cry.

A picture can capture a single moment in time which then can be worth a thousand words , if asked I  believe most would agree to say.

I often find myself left wondering, sad  but true, how many of these  pictures are speaking lies and half truths on family portrait day.

Gathered around the camera , each one dressed up to the nines, making sure they all look flawless in the glow of the photographer's light.

Inside their heads are swirling and mom is still raging with fury, but nothing will ruin this photo not even memories of last nights fight.

Dad has been hitting the bottle to escape from his this life that he leads but for this photo, this precious remembrance, just consider him Mr.Brady

Mom's holds a secret as well, while dad is away she hides her brand new playmate, but this snapshot has paused her game  and Mom pretends she is a lady.

There is daddy's precious little girl, he pretends not to see that she is very unstable doing lines at the table, while  her beauty hides all of her madness.

Wait there is one that was almost forgotten, which is how he spends most of his life, in this portrait he'll shine covering up his heart wrenching sadness.

The picture turned out to look brilliant , so proudly it was first mounted then hung high up on the wall.
  
The portrait will last a life time, in fact it will most likely still gleam when this perfect family starts to fall.

It is almost painful trying to fathom the reason some men take a woman's intelligence and blatantly play it down.

Shouting out from behind me " hey ma lemmi holla at cha" I must inform you will never get this female to turn around .

I do not find your uncultivated demeanor flattering in the least, in fact it makes you somewhat insignificant, not worth a second look.

I want nothing to do with your infantile swagger in capable of sharing coherent insightful thoughts, afraid to stray from the same old play book.

A physical attraction is of some importance, but I am more enthralled when a man hears, not only listens to the words that are spoken to him.

Serenade me with your ability to articulate raw emotion thru flowing words, entice me with an intriguing mind, show me that you are a rare gem.

As for those males pretending to be men, but in reality can't even wrap their minds around the idea, don't waste your time with me, your ego will just get bruised.

If it is my attention that he seeks, a man must be confident that he can stimulate my mind, draw me in by the rhythm  of the words he has used.

From within the depths of me I fight so hard, my intention never giving up, but in exhausted and my hope... Well... simply has run dry.

Familiar faces are constantly surrounding me but thru the haze, ruling the majority of my mind,they are nothing more than strangers walking by.

This overbearing feeling if lonesomeness is a wretched sickness spreading thru what once was me, the harder I try to suppress it the worse it makes me feel.  

My perpetual sadness is an unfortunate symptom that plagues me and no matter how I tend to these lacerations on my soul they never seem to heal.

Bitterly I must swallow down  the wickedly perfect blend of endless anguish and just a little more provocation then one should take in.

Almost ritualistically I choke back the desire to purge myself of this insignificant existence, as I long for a new one to begin.

This affliction has left behind an emptiness which reeks such havoc inside me and it is perfected by my alienation.


Struggling in my seclusion I search frantically for the part of me that somehow had gotten somewhere in translation.

This fire smoldering between us burns so very intense that all my inhibitions just seem to melt away.

I can't stop myself from becoming drunk off the intoxication of your captivating physic, MMMM  I love feeling this way.

I see your eyes light up with expectancy when I tease you, sending waves of temptation thru your imagination.

With deep anticipation, I savor the idea of our bodies intertwined and my head becomes dizzy from my hearts acceleration.

Curving my long sleek body to fit into your mold, while teasing nibbles and seductive kisses are given in just the right place.

Breathless whispers fueled by pure desire, exploring each others body with enticing caresses as we long to stay locked in this lustful embrace.

Confined to this asylum bound by massive chains
restricting me to my own mis- guided  perception,  oh how I long to break free.

   In the distance there lies a sea of disconsolate faces washing ashore  so I keep watch to see if I can find me.

   There is this hollowness inside me, it's presence so utterly dominating, like a raging river it runs wild.

The idea of feeling completely numb is ever so enchanting,  an escape from all the dishevelment that thru the years I have compiled.

The air around me has  becime so stifiling, it is  slowly crushing my lungs, under its magnitude I will be forced to give in before too long.

Willing my breath to please slow so I can calm myself before the storm, I focus on my hearts rythmic sound, such melancholy song..

How can U  N  I be so utterly different and yet simultaneously without you I just do not feel whole.
     I can't see the pictures in my mind, but even still these memories, our memories are burned within my soul.

     It amazes me how U  N  I can be our own worst enemies, kindred spirits, complete rivals and passionate lovers all at the same time.
        This game of love in itself can be endearing and fulfilling and also unrelenting and unyielding , but in the end it is always worth the climb.

     I often wonder if U  N  I will withstand the tests of time, if our force can weather even the most severe storm.
      Seclusion wrapped in duality conjoined to both perfect and destroy one another, endlessly locked in a battle which wages war against the norm.

Why

  Do you only allow your sweet tears to flow when you are sure that no one else can see you.

  Are you worried that if you don't hide these  somber moments the true you just may show thru.

     Why

  Is it that you turn away when it is your beauty which is being spoken of.

  As if all the scars etched in your heart were revealed making you undeserving of love.

     Why

  Do you let the monsters, that violate your solace, keep you cowering backed up against the wall.

  Is it that you believe you will always be alone, no one will try and catch you if you fall

     Why
  Won't you let in the ones that stand before you, for they appear to truly care.

  So you think that, just like all the other, they will just leave you , which is a pain you cannot bare.

These wicked emotions swelling up inside reek havoc upon the sanctity  I so desperately need to find.

    Gasping frantically for a breath of air, I am drowning in the overwhelming  dejection that is flowing thru out my mind.

   So I will just hush.

        Locked within this superficial world built on a foundation of complacency,  it has become taboo to maintain a sense of  hope.

      Effortlessly individual thoughts are manipulated, silently molded, while obliviously gliding on this slippery *****.

            Still I should just hush.

It nearly chokes the life out of me , just the idea of digesting the spoon fed lies they attempt to force feed me everyday.

        Private wars are being waged before our eyes, yet the colossal facade of stability is what  continually they portray.

                    Again they say hush.

     But I scream back I will no longer hush.

At the end of the day I can find no other place to lay the  blame but on myself.
           Although it possibly may be my demise, I allow myself to care for those that refuse to see past their own desire.
          Intently I give the best of me and in turn I unintentionally add fuel to their self indulgent fire.

           At the end of the day I must admit that the reason I feel the way I do soley rests on my shoulders.
           How ridiculously nieve of me to believe that the same rules you  set forth, you yourself would abide by.
          Consistently ever changing are the expectations placed upon my shoulders, I fail to see a reason for me to try.

At the end of the day there is only a vaugue reflection staring back from the other side of the mirror.
          More often than not I find myself trying to mask my angst and perpetrate that all is as it should be.  
          A sullen little marrionet playing pretend, frantically attempting to hide her strings so the world will think she is free.

Looking in your eyes I catch a glimmer of what was once most definitely meant to be.

I can intangibly hear a weary voice inside you and it is screaming to be set free.

Saddly you locked up your spirit tightly deep inside and replaced it with woe and fear.

The person you long to be seems miles away, but keep fighting my love and soon that person will be here.

Let go of everything that ties you down, unleash yourself from the crushing weight that's constructed of all your pain.

Let out that child, the one hidding inside,  for they are in desperate need of time to run wild and frolic in the rain.

That surrounding light, your beauty within, almost blinding its grandure reaches ever so high.

Please don't be afraid to open up your wings, feel the rush of the wind when you finally take to the brilliant sky.

Truthfully this journey will not at all be easy, nor will you always be clear on the way.

If you are willing to endure it you may find yourself a little more with the dawn of each new day."

The words of anger you spill can penetrate deep into my soul, your icy chill makes my blood run cold.  

The constant judging glances that you  cast my way can instantly make my courage fold.  

                     But that's just a family affair.

It cuts so much deeper when the knife thrusted into my back is wielded by one that shares my family name.

A person that I  would die to protect suddenly has me second guessing if they would do the same.

             But hey , that's a family affair.


You can bring out of me a rage like no other person can and in an instant all I can see is a fiery red hue.

But despite it all we are family, you will always be connected me and I will always be connected to you.

   That's how it goes when it's a family affair