time spent wishing people would be the things you'd like and long for them to be
time spent lining up chalky little yellow candies you'll never swallow
time spent dreading anyone reading this
and time spent hoping somebody does
they gave me a pamphlet at the doctor's office today
a litany on how i was smoking myself to death and a pamphlet that read:
call 911 any time you feel your life is meaningless
as if an emergency operator could explain
why you go to sleep every evening assured that you must rise come sun
assured of the strife you face by moving from your somber silent grave
assured that there is no recompense to speak of
only falsities created to temporarily blind cave dwellers
marriage *and love and jesus christ
*in enough words to convince you
has anyone ever noticed that whenever someone is on a ledge
all coaxers ever do is regurgitate false hope
to convince momentarily
never address the facts of meanings the why's the trees that would grow whether you sat beneath them or were never a thought to begin with
expected to sleep expected to rise sleep and rise sleep and rise until you are gone by no fault of your own
gone to leave holes in lives you could do nothing but desert
never address because if they did you'd jump
don't try to deny it, dr. hollywood
you'd jump

I'm sorry I make ruthless fun of the girls who want to ******* I'm sorry I live in California and I'm not as thin as the other girls are and I'm sorry my eyes are never catted quite so I'm sorry that I don't eat meat and that I was never as enthusiastic as you wanted me to be that I'm not a good driver and I'm sorry that I pushed your hand away. I'm sorry that sometimes I don't like *** and I cry easily and take my rings off at night and stole your favorite shirt. I'm sorry that we think so similarly that it becomes frightening to feel you can't hide. I'm sorry your cigarettes made me nauseous and I'm sorry you ended up with me instead of the friends of mine you say are beautiful and you could fall in love with in an instant. I'm sorry I forget to read the books you tell me to and that I was too afraid to kiss you when I first saw you. I'm sorry I get giggly and didn't dare to bleach my hair and you found me curled up in fetal position in the bathtub and I fell asleep on you. I'm sorry I'm too nostalgic for my own good and I'm sorry my therapist doesn't understand how much you mean to me I'm sorry I made you cry and I'm sorry that I never seem to know quite what to say. I'm sorry I was sleeping when you pulled off the interstate to call and that you didn't read what I'd written at the back of the book I'm sorry I put butter and cheese on pasta like I'm six years old and I'm sorry I don't want to go to Ireland I'm sorry you left Amsterdam early and I'm sorry I make you feel horribly guilty even if it is unintentional. I'm sorry I haven't bought you anything and we never went to the beach or drank your absinthe and sometimes I can't make you come I'm sorry I was scared and went back to my room and ran to the parking meter and left you walking behind. And I'm sorry you feel burdened to make me happy, but I'm not sorry you make me happy.