Suddenly,
there was a spark of hope
But with my luck
It will burn me alive
I will never light a match again
For fear of the heat
Teach me how the candle wax
Says thank you to the flame
Maybe then,
There will be light again

Suddenly,
all the love songs
on the radio
were about him
and then
just as suddenly,
the radio
stopped playing
all those songs
replaced them
with heartbroken ballads
and yet,
they were still about him
he always had to be the center of attention

There are certain people you will meet that make butterflies seem like land mines exploding
They see the sky in a different shade of blue
They shine bright enough that even though you can't see the stars in the city you will always be looking up
Some people
Some people would rather sit behind drum sets than office desks
They play ball games and guitars and they make you want to win at something
They keep you rooting for the underdog
They keep you rooting at all
They remind you that beauty is in your roots
and no matter how strong the wind is
and no matter where your petals may fly
and no matter if he loves you or loves you not
It is always more important to love yourself, first
To believe in the beauty of the magic running through your veins
and that the sparkle behind your eye is not just a mirror trick
It's the passion that changes how you see
It's why you believe that creation and evolution are exactly the same thing
Because building is creating and we cannot all be artists and architects but we all can grow
Some people make you want to shrink and become small again
to cower behind the trees that will never ever falter
But some people make you want to climb the highest mountain in the world and scream
"I MADE IT I AM HERE AND I WILL NEVER LEAVE"
Do not ever leave
even if you never make it
because here is where you are supposed to be
even if you can't see it that way
Even if the sun is blinding your eyes
Or there are no stars in the dark sky
Some people can be the light to guide your path
and you will never be scared of the dark again
you will never need another pair of sunglasses
My loves, even if you do not think you shine
If you look hard enough you will feel the sparks in your bones and you will have to make it your own shade of fire
you will burn this city down
you are a star that will not burn out

i know i should leave you be

keep you wanting more

play hard to get

but i was never good at childhood games

you can catch me so easily

and yet you'll still always be it

I have been through wars
fighting with enemies
that only exist in the perimeters of my mind
I can feel them constantly trying to push their barriers
exceed to the outside
break away from the prison that is my body
I have asked for back-ups
more troops
but they cannot risk more fatalities
so I will fight alone

We had been at sea for what felt like decades
In a tiny boat the size of a life raft
we sat for weeks on end in silence
just staring
hoping to see land before insanity
the incessant picking has always been a problem
my thumbs, his downfalls
and now, this boat
almost unconsciously I began to pick at the lining
until tiny little holes started to let water in
I tried to avoid it
sit on the holes
fill them with fabric
I took the shirt off my back to try to save the ship
he looked at me as if to say, good luck with that
instead, he said he had to get to work
he stood up in the boat like getting off the train
and walked straight into the water
I've lost track of how long ago that was
But I'm still here, clinging to what was once mine
to what is drowning me slowly

What's most frightening
Is I adore you most
With your hands around my neck

In the years to come,
you will learn you weren't a part of the five year plan
beautiful you, left me with a random roommate
but you were the farthest thing from random
my first witnessed miracle
know this,
you may have been an accident
but you were never a mistake
You may not see it that way,
so in simpler terms
You are the most gorgeous train wreck I have ever been stunned to see
You are an unpredicted storm that cleans your car the day before you were planning to get it washed
You are the pillowy sand after the tide has been swept away
You are the stomach flu that saves you from the test you didn't study for
You made everything out of nothing
with your first 2 am diaper change
came meaning
April 10th is always a beautiful day to be born
I thought so
Even when I thought I was the tragedy,
I knew this day would be the days stars are born

Seven year old Meghan boasted after school
that she already knew who she was to marry --
His name was Jack
and she had cold, hard facts
to back up her theory
on why he would be her perfect husband
"He's not crazy and we both like legos"

Fair enough.

if only we never grew out of our old toys,
never stopped building and re-building what got torn down
brick by brick
maybe then I'd still be hiding in the closet
kissing eddie martin with the lights off

But neither of us like legos anymore
and I guess we're both slightly crazy

Meghan will learn soon enough
that after a while you will step on too many legos
and you will have had enough

she used to be so strong
such independence
they'd say
such a shame
what a waste
all that girl
is gone with the wind

I no longer wake up in the morning longing for your touch
or wishing I could see the tired look in your eyes
as we rush to a class we don't care about
I don't search your stupid youtube videos anymore when I am lonely
When I am lonely
I often have to remind myself it is better to be alone
I unfollowed you on instagram
but I still keep tabs on your pictures
not because I miss you
but because I often have to remind myself where this bitterness comes from
why my chest is ice cold
why I am angry at geography
why
I no longer dream of you every third night
but you flutter on the inside of my eyelids
before I fade into darkness
I no longer dream of you every third night
because I no longer dream
There is only darkness
until I awake
where I do not even wish for light
because then I would see what I am missing when my day begins

Today was the windiest day
of all the days
street lights swung hard
like children trying to get high enough to touch the clouds
skirts flew up
hair was pointed in every direction
I usually hate the wind
I have said before that I wish we lived in a world without it
but the cold brisk air kissing my ankles
and ears
were love letters
being delivered from a long ways away
from a city I have longed for
and belonged to
without noticing
I suppose the breeze was so light
until today
I suppose Chicago needed to get my attention
and sweep me north with the wind

There is no room for anything else
I've tried to fill space with outside things
But the void has pushed them aside
Made sure not to come second to anything
It's gotten hold of my last wit
And I can no longer tell up from down

learn
   to
     forgive
      





















y o u r s e l f,
      First

reminders for tomorrow:
wash my hair
don't eat ******
don't be ******
smile at the stranger
slow down
be better than today
do a facemask
call the financial aid department
apply for a credit card
look at clothes you can't afford
buy something you can't afford
go to the gym
or don't
but cancel your membership
go to yoga
look up what namaste means
don't be ******
email people your new phone number
make friends
smile with more than just your mouth
wear something comfy
relax
take patrick and leo to golf
patience is key
let them look out the window
be on time
hug leo when he cries
hug myself when I cry
don't cry
don't be ******

I used to be afraid of falling
ever since I learned what happens if you don't double knot your laces
I can't remember the sting on my palms
and the scrapes on my knees
they've left scars that I do not feel
Just the idea of hitting the ground
shakes me
shook me
Now, I can hardly wait

It is so hard to live the angered life that an artist should
When you are surrounded by such bright lights
And the city is filled with angels
They don't have eyes
They can't see the pain
You've wished yourself blind
And bought a dark pair of sunglasses
It's easier that way

you've
finally
snuck
your
way
under
my
skin
I can feel just how badly this will go

I can quite truthfully say
I don't miss you
any longer
That's not to say
you never cross my mind
little things still remind
me of you
but that's all you are now
a connected thought
that will pass
with a glance
in a different direction
and I am so glad

it's ironic
how I look at you
hoping, for you to look back at me

but when you do
I look away
because I don't want you to
see how much I crave you

He says he is worthless
broken
empty
alone

yet, I can only see that he is worth all the stars in the sky
and isn't that a wonderful thing
people look up at you
and even in the darkest moment
it's the glimmer in your eye
that makes the nights
not so long

I look at you and see all the ways a soul can bruise,
and I wish I could sink my hands into your flesh
and light lanterns along your spine
so you know there's nothing but light
when I see you

You were the only one who was ever real
I couldn't wrap my head around it quite as well as I could wrap myself around you
But it's all close enough
Have you ever lost something real?
I'm not quite sure how this will feel
Because even the fake ones hurt sometimes
Even the fakest ones can leave you wrapped in a dark cloud with no silver lining visible
I wonder what your real storm will bring
When you finally decide to destroy me in your path
A full on massacre of sorts
I'm sure
I'm sure the pain will be just as real as you were
As this was
Is
I'm sure

darling darling
you are not what you seemed
a gentle whisper in the wind
turned into a blood curdling scream

i keep trying to tell myself
that i don't need you
and you were wrong
im stronger
please god say I'm stronger
than this

i stripped myself down
i stood there naked and cold
you looked at me and smiled
but then you turned around

no one has ever seen me like this before
actually seen me
not just looking
and just thinking
you see me
like i can only barely see myself
you know
and i see you
and I'm no longer afraid

if you should ever be so lucky to experience a heartbreak
you should know the feeling is excruciating
it is two pieces of velcro ripping apart
it is sinking
and shredding
it is screaming at the top of your lungs
and sobbing in the same sentence
it is brutal and you will not come unchanged
you will cry for 100 hours when he leaves you
you will feel reborn every 4 days for the rest of time,
but on the 3rd day it will always be rock bottom
it will always be shaking on the bathroom floor
and voicemails and nausea
youll learn to let the feelings pass

The selfish part of me
Wants to be the one
To save you
But I know
That's not the way
I can't light up all your shadows
Because sometimes
Darkness traps me too

For 5 years you fed me
With a silver spoon
At least 3 times a day

I didn’t know how good I had it
Until I was hungry again

When I was 19 with seven dollars to my name
You brought me grilled cheese
And donuts with sprinkles
And other sweet little nothings
For me to digest

You filled my plate
You left space at the table
I was nourished
I was was never full

I was greedy
I wanted every last bite

When I was 24 and full enough
You fed me your dreams
You said eat it up baby
And I did

I swallowed them whole
I felt them slide down my throat
They’ve been sitting at the pit of my stomach ever since

When you swallow bubble gum
It doesn’t leave your gut for years
I still feel the heaviness inside me

The cotton candy artificial flavoring
Bright pink and nostalgic
But really just an accumulation
Of all the parts that had gone to waste
The remnants of a carcass

I still full
Still thankful to have had this meal

When I try to feed you
A returning of all the favors
I crush up my favorite parts of me
Hoping to sit inside you for years to come

But you take the spoon into your mouth  and wince
Your face turns red
I can see you’re not breathing
Not reaching for help either

I try to give you the Hielmlic
To get back what I had given way
Maybe had I presented it better
Red and shiny and sweet
Maybe then we wouldn’t be here
Choking
Empty
Alone

Because life is hard, baby
And if you get it all down in writing
You'll never forget the lessons learned

His hurricane heart.

His desert lungs.

His adam’s apple

and then all the sudden you’re

falling from paradise.
He is Chicago in a picture frame
instead of outside your window.

He is the part of the song you skip
because it hurts too much.

The best dream you have is of

him leaving

because then you get

to miss him like it just happened.
Your regret.
Your favorite mistake.

If you put it in poem,
then no one can use it against you.
Your red dress

and no one to dance with.

Your moth-wing hands,

always looking for the light.
If you put it in a poem,
then everyone can use it against you.
It’s not always easy being the 
one who stays.

there is no simple way to say
I wish I could make you as happy
as you make me
but it doesn't seem to be working
all my efforts
to break down that beautiful brick wall
have gone unnoticed
the wall never changes
nothing can get worse
but
nothing
will
get
better

There are things that I don't usually tell people
things like I wish I could remember my fathers voice
or that sleeping alone is the most daunting thing I face in darkness
I don't tell people that I pray for them at night
or while I'm on the subway
or walking home from work
I don't tell people that they brighten my day
or that they make it a little easier to breathe
but i know I should
There are things I keep to myself
like that i discovered the fine line where being independent becomes being lonely
I don't tell people I still think of you so many months later
and I don't tell people that you haunt my dreams even though i've only known you for a week
I don't remind my friends that I do love them
I don't tell the boy on the corner that his smile makes my cheeks hot
i don't
instead
I say things like :
I want to *******(i want to be close to you)
I'm fine(its hard to get out of bed today)
I love working so much(i wish other people still took care of me)
There are things I don't usually tell people
I don't explain the scars when they see
I let them fill in the blanks themselves

sweet girl, would you put down the maps
stop planning your escape routes
you were never very good at direction
you were never great at staying
but honey, would you stay this once?
would you please stop leaving
you have too many bags to to be able to bring a suitcase along
and i don't want you to draw cold

pull me down if you want, I hope you do