they always ask
"why regret something you once wanted?"
but if I had known
what I know now
I never would have wanted it
in the first place

I had did it again,
made someone else my gravity
But that was before I realized
I never needed someone holding me down
Just someone to help me fly

it has been four months
one week
one day
and five and half hours
since the last time
I saw you
I hugged you good bye
you tugged gently at my bright blue sweatshirt
I imagined that to be your plea for me to stay
You said "I'll talk to you"
I held back tears
as I climbed into a car filled with unapproving stares
I spent twelve hours on a bus
thinking that what went wrong was
disastrous
but that what went right was
magical
I spent the next
four months
one week
one day
and five and a half hours
trying not to.

I have been through wars
fighting with enemies
that only exist in the perimeters of my mind
I can feel them constantly trying to push their barriers
exceed to the outside
break away from the prison that is my body
I have asked for back-ups
more troops
but they cannot risk more fatalities
so I will fight alone

I will remember the kisses
soft and quick
like a habit you couldn't break
and how I thought you showed me
your truest self
and how I offered you
everything I had
and I will remember your much bigger room
and your bed that seemed to magically grow to fit us both
the feel of you next to me
the light through your blinds
the draft from your vent
your neighbors music
your sounds
our morning routines
our always late nights
how our bodies fit together
and how I imagine they still would
your always warm feet
mine always cold
your ever shaking hands
mine held steady
your smile
and the sparkling eyes
of you
who made me
laugh,
smile,
hurt,
cry,
feel
again.

I wonder what you hold in the pockets of your jeans
the ones you won't throw out
because of the
"maybe one day"
or
"just in case"
I wonder if you slip those jeans on
in the dead of night
remembering what you hold so dearly
so dearly
you wont get rid of
but wont show
I wonder, I wonder, I do

exhaustion has set in
taken over
every part of my being is tired
and dragging around enough baggage to get me through a lifetime
is starting to have its effects
i never thought each step would be so daunting
i see everyone around me able
to drop their bags at the front door
and run freely
without weight
i am forever strapped with resistance bands
making each step harder
and all the more worth it