I wish I could be
effortlessly me
but the effort
is always
there

the day that everyone stayed inside
and the Outside came knocking
"where are you?"
"come back."
"i miss you."
"it's not the same"
but it was the same
it would always be the same silent spaces
where there would have been
the memory of voices
if there were anyone left to remember

there are cracks that run
through everything
the tiles on my kitchen floor
the lines on my face
the shifts and slips
as things pull apart
and always
always
walking
running
trying... trying
but always
too slow
to keep up

I wish I had

More love
Less anger

More hope
Less fear

More strength
More self
More time
To fix the things I've broken

It will come
It will come

every broken snowflake knows
they'll never find that missing part
but the sun will melt them
just the same

to see your spirit
unconstrained by time or heart
a feather in the wind
dancing free

on the day that I wake
I will hold this world
in my hands
like a nervous dove
(heart beating)

and I will whisper a word
open my grasp
say a prayer to the sky
and set her free

the asymmetry of hurt dictates
that what we do to others
and what they do to us
never adds up
we are writing
in separate ledgers
we can't even agree
on the color of the ink

honesty is
the card we play
when all else fails

honesty is
the ace in the hole
we crawled into

honesty is
the last place we look
and we find our keys there

out
is a world and a place and a life

closet
is place looking out at a world

head
is a lock on a door to a closet

heart
is a feeling in a head in a closet
looking out at a world

strength
is a feeling
pulled from others
shared freely
mythical and dangerous
living
free

I started crying
because I was feeling so lost

And I stopped
After a while
Because I ran out of tears

And I still don't know
Where I am or where I'm going
But my tears on the ground
Show me where I have been

I tried so hard, I really did
I stuck her in a box, nailed it shut
I sobbed as I piled on layers of earth

And when I was done
I took a breath
turned around
and she was watching me with a smile.

"Hey babe! What are you up to?
Grab your things,
it's time to go for a ride."

I'm not sure
I'll ever be
Enough to feel
That I am me

I'm not sure
I'll ever have
The confidence
To say I am

But maybe I
Can be enough
That when you look
You see enough

I don't change much
I'll always be
who I'll never be
but in the
standing and sitting
in the trying to smile

In the brush that hair
out of your face
out of your eyes

maybe
just a glimpse

one day
I'll be lying there
drawing my last few breaths

and I hope I'll be able to say
ok, so that's who she was
she wasn't so bad

when you look in a mirror
and don't recognize
the person looking back
do you know who you are
or can you see
who you appear to be?

when the void shouts back
maybe it is time
to turn up the radio
button your coat
pull down those ear muffs
step out of the door
say loudly (and clearly)
I CAN'T HEAR YOU
this isn't
what I expected
I didn't think
you would listen
and maybe you didn't
maybe the sound
was always there

this tiny little rock don't provide much gravity
and my words spin off
***** nilly
but the void's your friend
so I know you'll hear them
sooner or later
time or space or otherwise

there's a hole in my heart
the shape of a heart

there's a space in my head
the size of my head

my shadow casts a shadow
until the sun goes behind a cloud
and then
I'm gone

how in the world
can you fit
a person in a world?
let alone
so many

Waking in a bed of love and pillows
Fingers entwined
Still and whole in the glorious quiet

How easy in that moment
To pretend the wolves at the door
Are merely wolves

when we burns ourselves down
and others come
to sift through the embers
maybe find a few trinkets

will they be able to tell
which ashes came from us
and which came from the stake
we tied ourselves to?

You called the kite Buford
(you always had a knack for names)
I ran in the sand, and threw the kite up
While you clutched the strings tight
And as I walked back
I saw the joy in your eight-year old eyes
Saw your heart surfing the breeze
In that blue Georgia sky

We still have that kite in the basement
The strings are tangled
A pole is broken
I don't know if you even
Remember his name
Or that moment
He'll probably never fly again
But in another way he'll never come down
For as long as I can hold on to
Your face in the sun