"new year, new me"
the ultimate cliché of new years day
spoken by people who think that they can change who they are just because the calendar resets
people who feel like they can reinvent themselves
and try to change all the trouble they've caused in the past
but in the back of their minds
they call *******
and they know that they can't be changed
because nobody changes
no matter how hard they try

You expect so much from me
You expect too much from me
I don't know how long it will take to make you realize that
I can't be the person you want me to be
I can't be the smartest
The prettiest
The most efficient
Or the hardest working person you expect me to be
I can't do all of that
And the fact that you're disappointed that I can't live up to your great expectations
Makes me feel like you won't continue support me
When I'm not the smartest
Or the prettiest
Or the most efficient
Or the hardest working person in the room
And maybe it's because you don't know what it's like
To be under so much pressure
From every single person around you
But the least you could do
Is try to understand what I'm going through
And if you can't even do that for me
Then what can you do for me?

It's one of those days where you feel tired for absolutely no reason at all and you're so incredibly sad but you don't know why and the people around you annoy the crap out of you and you sulk through the hallways not allowing anybody to touch you or even try to talk to you and you feel pressured from everybody around you to try hard and to do your best and to never give up but you know deep down that you can't do it and you can never do it and all the sadness from painful the memories and the faces of the people who have hurt you in the past start to pour out of you like a waterfall and before you know it-
You're sitting alone in your car
And you're crying
And you feel so alone
And you feel like no matter what you do
The sadness won't go away
And it will never go away

sometimes I wish
my face was a little paler
my hair a little darker
my lips a little more defined
painted red like the poisoned apple
sometimes I wish I was drop dead gorgeous
that people would stop and stare
or double take
when I walk by
I want a face of pure perfection
of pure beauty
a flawless face, if you will
a look that can go from "I'm a total sweetheart" to "don't get in my way" in a matter of seconds
I want people to be intimidated when I look them in the eye
I want to be the girl that you think is completely psychotic
but somehow
the girl you can't stop thinking about
and the girl that you can't help but fall in love with
even though you know nothing about her
not even her name
the girl who is a closed book
and locked with a key that you're absolutely dying to have
the girl you want to know every single thing about
bad habits and good habits
and everything in between

One day you look in the mirror
And you give yourself a thumbs up and say,
"I'm a champion"
And the next day
Looking back at the mirror
You think to yourself that what you see is repulsive
And disgusting
And that what you see is so disappointing
And you're not satisfied
And you start thinking,
"Is this really how people see me?"
Not good enough and never good enough
And you give up
And you stop trying to be that champion you saw yourself as before

When you're a child
You aim for the sky
You cast your nets far and wide
And aim your arrows high
Until the day that you realize that eventually everything falls
Eventually, the arrow will come back
And you don't have the freedom you thought you had
When you were young
And now you're stuck
Constantly looking into that same mirror
Thinking about all the time and money and resources that you don't have to do what you want
Or even the motivation to do what you want
Because now you know
That's not how the world works

I remember
The first time I told you that I loved you
We spent the whole day together
And I was so tired
And you walked me to my car
I sat sideways in the front seat, door open, facing you
And we kissed
And just as you were about to close the door
I said it
It took all that I had
It felt like I had breathed my last breath
I was so nervous
I wanted to explode
And the two seconds between the time when I said it and when you said it back
Was the most agonizing time of my life
And when I drove away
I cried
I cried out of pure joy and love for you
And that was the best day of my life

The restlessness of the people
The elegant city
Along with the formless game of our nervous and sporadic games
I admired the gardens
And the pale gold odor of the kiss-me-at-the-gate
It certainly was lovely
And I, a beautiful little fool
Hadn’t ceased looking
The astounding presence
And his well-loved eyes
And we danced while the church bells rang in the village alongshore
The world and its mistress
Twinkled hilariously on the lawn
And living an illusion never felt so extraordinary

It's been so long since I've felt this way
Since I've had someone who needs me
As much as I need them
The fact that you're now mine
Makes me feel like every single day is worth living

I go numb every time I start thinking about you
And I'm shaking
And I can't finish this poem because of all the emotion that has come over me trying to write it
And because I'm so incredibly in love with you

I'm sitting across from you
Thinking to myself
There isn't anything I wouldn't give
To make you stay for just a little bit longer

I am constantly worried
About what tomorrow will be like
I'm scared of what will be
Or what won't be
What if I see you again
What if you come back
Or what if you dont
Or what if maybe
I never see you again
The phrase, "What if..." races through my mind every single day
And I never know what's going to happen
And it scares the ever living hell out of me

San Francisco, CA

There isn’t anything I don’t love about winter
The cold air
The frozen ground
The painted sky
And you, next to me
Wearing layers, making us look three times our normal size
And the snow, that is, if you’re lucky enough to get snow
The lingering presence of happiness in the air
And the sound the ice on the ground makes when you step on it
Pale faces and rosy cheeks
And the burning of your hands when you go inside
And the idea that every single snowflake that falls
Is not like the other
And yet, they’re all beautiful
And those mornings when the sky looks like the shiny ombré pattern
On some dumb t-shirt of a 12-year-old girl
Who isn’t quite ready to grow up just yet
Who enjoys the cold air and the frozen ground
And who loves the snow oh so much
And sees the beauty in its flakes
And is devastated when winter ends
Because everything must come to an end
Much like this poem