I used to know how it felt to have a dad.
Or did I?
Was the definition of dad a man with a briefcase that carried the weight of the world rushing to the basement to be alone with more work?
Was the definition of dad a man who screamed when he was stressed because he felt that he had to take care of everything that ever was?
Was the definition of dad a man who walked away from his wife and two children so he could get to the bottom of the next bottle? Did he fall hopelessly in love with the shame and the guilt after each swig? He became addicted to the pain.
Was the definition of dad a man who broke down doors, beat in walls until his hands were shedding blood, and being arrested with dead eyes?

Maybe I never had a dad at all. Someone who gave me money out of guilt and tried to buy my love. Or just to make me go away.

This Father's Day I can't say I can celebrate.

For I'm a daughter without a dad.

Happy birthday to you...
Awkward silence, staring at the colours of
blue sweetness and
smiling faces.
I can't help but wonder
how long I've really been holding my breath.
Happy birthday to you...
I close my eyes and everything is slow
and calm
and at peace.
Happy Birthday, happy birthday...
Inhale....
Happy birthday to you...
Exhale....
Yaaaaaay!*
I wished to be happy.

I am so broken into all these beautiful pieces; can’t you see the reflection in what is left of me?
It's you I need.
The reflection you see
The sad eyes you know
Are the glue that holds me back
Together.
Together,
Your eyes don't have to be
so sad anymore
And I won't be a mosaic
Of all that has driven me mad.
Because with you, all goes quiet.
And I can be held together
For a little longer.
You are the peace I found.
And I am the puzzle you need.

We are flesh
and blood
and bones.
We are muscle
and we
are skin.  
This is what houses us,
our soul.
It does not define us,
our worth.
We're perfectly designed
differently
To help love
and understanding
grow
for the generations
to come.

I'm sorry I couldn't be the stars
or the moon
or the sun
or the sky.
But why, oh why
did you hurt me so
as you fled
in this goodbye?

When you held me
and kissed
and carressed
and made love,
Did you mean the words you said
before you fled
in this goodbye?

When I needed you most
in the cold
in the dark
in the empty space
that's when I knew.
You had fled
with a last goodbye.

And I often find myself looking at the world
through someone elses lens
saying,
"What a beautiful photo. What a beautiful place."
And I mark it in my mind as
somewhere I'd rather be.
And I'm forced back into my own
world.
But I live here everyday,
and maybe it's more beautiful then I remember.
And maybe someday I hope I can inspire
another soul
to see the world through my lens
And hope for more.

If you need me
at 4:00am
but never at 2:00pm,
If you call me "sugar"
but never "my love"
and the sweet things you say just float up above
like cigarette smoke
gone with the wind
then I need to walk
as far away
as my heart will allow
And forget this sin.

Some prefer to watch the world burn.
Others
prefer to build it
back
up,
and forgive.

It's the days where you're rained out,
splashed by the passing car.
Your favourite coffee is sold out at the shop
and the office coffee just doesn't do it.
And the work load is mountainous, it towers over your head.
The boss is yelling and the day is long.

But then I get to go home
To you
and everything about peace is present
and the days trials have slipped away
because with you
love is everything.
And it helps me make it.

If she doesn't scare you to your core
or test you to your limit,
if she doesn't make you want to scream
but then make you want to sigh,
if she doesn't tear apart your world
as well as she places it all together,
and align your stars to make your life
brighter
It's not that she is incapable,
it's because she's meant to awaken this
in another man.

How can you know
what she has seen
what he has felt
what I have ached for
when you've never held
In your palms
the stories and the nightmares
we have faced.
How can you know triumph
when the finish line
is merely on the page,
a story from another time?
We were not there.
We did not touch or see or feel or smell.
We did not worship or grieve,
we did not strive for more.
So how can we know
this life from the last,
without ever sipping
from a dangerous past?

There's a calm inside
these wicked eyes
that make them believe
at the end of all things
that people will always have good
inside of them.

It's a perfect mixup
We were thrown together in the storm
twirled into chaos, into loving each other.
You're laughter rings out like ancient bells
helping me learn to be happy again.  
And some days we tear,
and the clouds roll in.
And we forget each other and
why
we
are
here.
But we always find our way back.
No, this is not a love song.
Or a poem.
Or a scripted movie, to be played out
on the big screen for all the world to admire.
No,
we are you and me.
We are so much more.

You're the sky
you're the moon
you're everything people take in
that takes their breath away.
The moment of pure bliss
and peace,
is everything you make them feel.
Your laughter is star dust,
it twinkles and shines bright
in any room you're in
And leaves behind a trail
for them to admire.
There is a universe inside
There is more to you
that we all see
that you may never know.
But I pray
one day
you do.

It's all aligned and thought out,
how to keep hold of the bad.
There is no way to be taught
to forget about the best things
that happened with the worst people.

With all I'm ever going to be.
And I swear that's enough.

The words are not enough,
they're bleeding out,
and
disappear.
The actions stay,
they make their mark
into my skin,
my mind.
It's all for nothing unless you
let it shine.
Unless there is a hand to hold,
Unless you're not alone,
there is nothing left to find.

Sometimes you need more
then just the gist.
You need to know why you have watched
all that you love
burn to the ground.
You need to know why you have loved
and why, now, you hurt.
And the cruelest part of this,
is you don't always get to know.
Do you ever let your tears show?
Do you run and hide
from all you are afraid of?
Why? Why? WHY?
Do you stand above all pain
and know that there is tomorrow?
Please, stop.
Did you ever wonder if it was all your fault?
This can't be happening.
No...NO.
Did you ever think this is how it ends?
*This is it.

It's that feeling you get
you sweat,
you shake,
you're a universe inside
That no one can see.
You're screaming,
it's silent.
You're crying,
it's quiet.
There is a storm inside of you.
My friend, you are from the noble preachers,
only asking for what is simple
and what is right.
And what the world has to offer
is different and real
and not to be easy.
You are being challenged here
until you are called home.
Maybe it's a cruel joke
or maybe it's benefit
is to you and you alone,
until angels wings do grow.  
You are much more then you believe.
You can get up off the floor,
and shed the storm.
The universe inside you can share,
for you are not alone.

She blew smoke from her lips,
Took a sip of her wine.
Said flatly, "put the money on the table", as he walked toward her.
And all though the cigarettes and the ***** and the *** and the money were all evident tonight,
Not a thing could make her happy.
Not a thing could make her satisfied.
For she was lost, drowning in all the material things,
Waiting for a light to come and save her.

Sometimes I'll whisper
Into the dark a sad
"I love you"
To a man who will never hear it.
For a longing to one day hear it back
From the shadows,
Or just to get the words out.
But as they leave my lips
They fall toward the floor.

People think beauty and normality are separate with one being greater then the next. If you really look at the meanings they're one in the same.
Find the beauty in all things normal, and believe what's normal is beautiful.

So I'll breathe in deep,
And hope for a sad little smile
To show
That today was a day
Possibly
Worth fighting for.

I'm tired of rolling over
At 3:00am
And having him turned away,
Or worse,
Gone.
I'm tired of rolling over
At 3:00am
And feeling nothing
But emptiness.
I want to roll over
And thank god for you
As you dream,
Until morning wakes
And you wake me with a smile
A kiss.
I want love.

He thinks it's okay
To toss her aside,
To break her bones
To hit her twice, three times,
Eight times
A day.
He thinks it's okay to tell her
She's ****
She's worthless
She's garbage
Just to tell her how sorry he is
When night falls
And all has finally gone quiet.
He will hold her and she'll let him
Because she forgives him
And she believes him
Over and over and over again.
And she doesn't get that he's the sinner
And she's the saint.
She's putting on more makeup to hide
The bruises, now dark blue.
She has stopped coming to dinner.
She's wasted space, so he says,
So it matters not if she's thinner.
He tells her she's ugly and the dress
Is distasteful.
So she goes to the bathroom, tells him
She'll change.
She sobs on the floor, her mind gone a strange.
How could she let it get to this?
She lifts her head, whispers "no".
She gets up to the window.
She could have picked the razor or the rope,
She could freeze out in the snow,
But she chose to live.
Otherwise he would win.
She crawled outside, quick and quiet.
And ran.
As she ran she began to smile,
And thought,
This is what it's like to be free,
I'm free, I'm free!
No longer would she have to plea
To stay alive.
She felt all the burdens slip behind her as she carried on,
Knowing now he had not won.
The tears on her face dried on cold,
Replaced now with being bold.
The dark blue bruises blended into
The winter night
And would eventually fade
With morning light.

You were called back so soon.
The angels sang to you,
And carried you away.
Why you were only here for such a small time, I'll never know.
But I know that I'm a mother of an angel in the sky,
Who looks down on me. And understands.
Maybe you were here to tell me I was not ready yet, and show me how much I could love.
But the time was not then.
And you're back in the clouds.

I knew from when I placed my hand
Onto my belly.
I looked up to heaven and thanked God for you.
You weren't in my plan
But now you're the biggest part of it.
And I promise to keep you safe
Until your brave little heart is ready for the world.
And I will welcome you from the darkness,
I will shelter you from all harm.
You're so small now, barely there,
But you are making your mark on me.
Welcome home.

I was once weak.
I let myself feel every type of pain.
And now I let the world fall to my feet.
I have risen from my knees, I am standing above the clouds.
And you will hear me roar.

On the top of the grave stands a man.
A man who knows exactly why he's there.
He looks down into the wet soil, and sobs.
It is too much for him to bare.
Here lies yesterday, reads this tomb.
A time for you to change, a time for you to make things right.
And yet here you are, weeping over what was once your biggest opportunity.
And it was left to die.

I am bending.
Being pulled from one direction
To the next.
Beaten senseless, wrapped around a system of confusion.
But I will not
Be broken.

Joy can be taken,
Given just as quickly
And easily.
Joy is timeless
And it is bliss.
It is hard to gain in a world like this.
Full of anguish
And pain.
And just as hard
To let go of
Once you have it.
Joy can hit you like a falling brick,
Or slip away like mountain rain through
Your heart.
And joy depends on the people around,
And the person you are.
Always allow people to bring you joy,
And never let anyone
Take it away.
Let it sink into you, make a mark into your soul.
Protect it from the minds of the wicked, and share it with the purest of hearts.
For it is joy that keeps us
From growing apart.

She blew the smoke from her lips beautifully and delicately, as if she didn't want it to break as it left her.
"So you just wanna talk?" She said pulling the cigarette away from her mouth and dipping it into the ash tray.
"Just talk," I replied. Calmly, soothingly.
"Alright Mack, you paid $2000 for tonight. Do you want me to talk to you naked or with my legs in the air?"
I smirked and shook my head.
"Just talk. Fully clothed."
She stared at me a long moment before lighting another smoke and taking another drag; she exhaled with just as much intensity. She looked at me, up and down. Her blue eyes taking in each detail.
She put the cigarette down for a moment and unfolded her long legs, and leaned toward me, clasping her hands together in her lap. The shadows from the lights outside the hotel room were moving with her face, until the light shone on just her right eye and the blonde bangs fell, hiding the rest of her expression.
"Why is it you paid for me tonight?"
"I wanted to get to know you."
She gave a humourless laugh, quick and almost painful to listen to.
"Did you wanna fix me or somethin'?"
"No," I replied. "Only you can do that."
She took that in, backing herself back up into the shadows.
"I have one question for you to answer. That's it."
"Really. That's it?"
"That's it."
She looked at me with eyes that changed. They had become sad.
"And what is it you want to ask me?"
I looked down at my intertwined hands and back at her. Into those beautiful, sad eyes.
"Why did you decide to make this your life?"
She didn't look taken aback by my question. She didn't even look phased. She looked as though she had been asked this a thousand times. Then, her eyes went back to being cold and dark. All traces of sorrow were gone.
"I had to. What's it to you?"
"Just seems someone with so much potential would go into school for being a doctor or a lawyer."
She smiled a sad smile. "How do you know what potential I have? Besides, I'm 33 and have the body of a 20 year old and I bet I make five times more then you do in an hour."
"You're probably right," I said nodding. I ignored her question about her potential. She already knew what she was capable of. She was just afraid of it.
I looked back up at her.
"But can I ask you something else?"
She was smoking once more. "I thought you said just one question."
"Enlighten me."
"Alright. What?"
"Do you love doing this?"
This time, she was taken aback by this question. She held the cigarette in her fingers, staring into the ash tray.
"No," she said quietly. "No, I don't."
"You don't have to do this, you know."
She shook her head sadly and looked out the window as she took a drag.
"It's not that simple."
"Why?"
She blew out the smoke and turned to look at me. A single tear falling from her eye.
"Because I am broken, and I can't fix me."

So let me go
In order to see
Just how much the hours
Days
Weeks
Years
Meant to you.
Because in a dash, you left me here
And now I'm crashing.
I'm searching for the trail that led you away, I'm looking for a reason.
Why didn't you stay?
You were gone like yesterday.
You meant so much, and now the space you've left here grows.
Was it me who made you go?
Oh - to hell with you!
Why didn't you just stay?

And for the first time,
I decided not to make my bed,
And let the sheets create a mountain
Instead of flattening out each crease until what I considered perfection,
Because who would see my work anyway?
And for the first time,
I let my hair fall without brushing it; I kept the hair tie in the dresser today.
I liked the stretch marks on my belly, and the laugh lines on my face. They made me feel wiser.
I smiled at the lipstick stain my two year old planted on the palm of my hand.
I did what I should have done a long time ago.
I let life in.

When all there's left is the broken pieces,
Of what you once were,
Of what you thought  you could be,
Remain
It's all you can do not to crumble
Let the rest fly away.
But if you have the strength to stand
I hope you last another day
And manage to grasp onto the hand
That believes in all you've done
In all you've achieved
And never took you for granted.
They are with you
Until you have won.

Be still in time
Don't rush the
Hours past
To
Make it
Irrelevant
To
Make it
Matter less.
Be still
In
Time.

It was vengeful, pleading.
In that moment I needed all of you wrapped up in me.
I would kiss every curve and every fault and I would mend anything inside of you that was broken.
You traced your fingers along my spine like it were made of glass. You were delicate until you grabbed onto me and held me.
That was when I felt how much you needed this moment to stay with you, to bring back all we had lost.
Bodies wrapped, gripping fingers, sharp breaths, loud moans.
It was a symphony of sexuality, a monatge of lust begging to burst forward.
Then I was begging you.
You had brought the most beautiful demons out of me and I couldn't contain them. I was begging. I wanted forever in this short time and that's exactly what you gave me.
I let the sheets slide off my skin and relentless goosebumps appeared.
You kissed them softly only creating more.
The darkest part of night had shed and morning had become awake once more.
And in the early hours I'll never forget what a wonderful sinner you made out of me.

There's so much we haven't discovered.
We will pour ourselves out again and again to obtain a fraction of knowledge of something we are passionate about. We lie awake for hours wondering what it will feel like when we finally find what we have so long been searching for.
And I hope for you that you become your passion.
You dive in and let it soak into your skin. Let it embrace you and caress you as you fall into dreams about it and when you're blinking back to consciousness. Let it unfold you and bend you in ways you never thought possible. Let it expand your mind and allow your soul to drink it in.
By loving your passion, you become content with what you know about it. By becoming it, your lust for knowing more will only continue to grow.
Become your passion.

There's a monarch, a power
more forceful than I.
More than Kings or God's,
causing distress to die.

The molders, the shape-shifters
the lessons taught on
to us mere mortals
until we have gone.

They break us, they bend us,
they make us true.
They make tears flow
until we're anew.

We call this a dream,
how they make us see
clearly, perspective,
in all there is to be.

Lines and allusions,
masks in the dark.
Teaching us lessons,
a bite worse then bark.

They can take us on roads
we never meant to take,
and bring us back home again,
before we are to wake.

But one thing is for certain,
about these dreams of mine,
they're going to build me up,
and they're going to make me shine.

If I could wish anything, and have it granted
Without doubt,
It would be that we each had a limited number of tears.
Enough crying to know pain,
To learn compassion,
To understand suffering, in order to help those get by
That still had lessons to learn
And that’s it.
We’d all be finished by 25, done sadness for the better,
And live on in a happier world, because now we have the understanding,
Without the pain.
And there would be no more sounds of agony, coming from behind her bedroom door,
Locking herself away, hoping to blend into the walls, wishing she were anywhere but there.
There would no longer be a twitch to the knife by his hand,
Or a stare toward the bottle
To drown the sorrows he’s dealt with
Until one day a ledge looks all too tempting.
And the loved ones of those who are gone because of despair
Face their own hell.
Living in the shadows of “what if” and “how could they”
When all any of us really want is to love and be loved, without the whip lash of everyday pains.
If I could wish anything, and it would be granted,
Without doubt,
Is for you to be happy,
And remember that tears are only for a time,
Until a smile returns once more.

I’ve learned that people, inevitably, can be cruel. And will make fun of you. They will make you feel worthless, and naïve, and stupid. If you manage to stay kind, and you’re still able to walk with a smile, then who’s the real fool? You’ve won the battle.
I’ve learned that girls don’t always say “I’m ugly” to get attention. Seriously, guys, they believe it. And they want you to know it on their terms, rather than have you think it about them behind their back. They’re not trying to fish for compliments, but you should give them anyway.
I’ve learned you can run from your fears (believe me, I’ve tried). You’re going to be scared sometimes. It happens. Everyone’s afraid of something. If everyone let fear get in the way of what they really wanted to do, there would be no one to tell us about what’s really worth living for. C’mon, do you think Evil Kinevil would have let fear stop him? Obviously not. Never be afraid to at least TRY. Trying itself is the biggest step, after that, all you have left to say is that you’re fearless.
I’ve learned that playing with a child for a whole day will make you appreciate things a little bit more then you did yesterday. The feeling of running into the wind, or just letting the sun hit your face. Getting a scrape (and if you’re lucky, two), bumping your head, rolling in dirt, laughing for nothing. It’s all carefree, something we all wish we could be again, and we freely gave away the moment we became adults. I’ve learned that we shouldn’t be sad about not being a kid anymore. Times like those spent with children are just as good.
I’ve learned it’s okay to love someone else, even if you’re not in love with someone you’d thought you’d be forever. You’re meant to be with someone, and they will find you. Right now, you’re looking for them, and they’re looking for you. Kind of an easing thought, right? Relax. Odds are if you haven’t found anybody, you’re either a.) young, and will find someone, or b.) Older but just haven’t found the right person. Trust me, they’re around. 7 billion people on the planet, just take your pick!
I’ve learned it’s okay not to be okay. You’re having a rough day, and sometimes the only person to make you feel better, is you. Whether it be taking an hour to yourself to paint or treating yourself to your favourite latte. These little things we do remind us that it won’t be bad forever, because we have these things that make us happy. Happy > sad.
I guess I’ve learned a lot of things…
Notice how none of those were ever taught in the classroom.
I’m just one of many University students, sitting on campus, waiting for my friend to come sit with me. He’s at home, and to my luck I’m stuck here all day, with far too many breaks to pass the time.
I’m someone with a lot of thoughts. Someone who sometimes has too many, so I’m here to share them with you. Maybe you can help me take a load off.

Morning hits, and you're touching me. It makes me stir, come closer to you. I wait for a kiss to wake every part of me up that doesn’t come until the touching starts.
Body for body, it pulls me deeper. There’s heavy sighs, and deep regrets filling this lust, but let’s pretend its love, if only till the sun comes up. Marks of want etched in my skin, only remind me of what could have continued. Only remind me of how badly I want to be in your bed again, love you the way I can’t see back. Only remind me of how much I want this lust, this love, this heat, this passion, this despair, this hope, this pleasure, this pain.
It only reminds me how far I would have gone to be right back to you, in the only way I know how.

He made me want to remember the moments that were slowly slipping away from me.
And keep them safe from the minds of the negative. The minds of those who’d try to comprehend the incomprehensible. Because love is such a delicate state now, yet I can’t seem to push it away from me.
It’s the way he’ll pull my face up, and make me look into his eyes. And tell me that no matter what is said, he will always believe I am beautiful. And I swear, that is enough for me. He’ll move my hair to see my imperfections and kiss them delicately to let me know that it’s alright to be flawed, and that he takes my flaws as he takes my strengths; openly with a warm heart.  And that will never change.
And I look at him, and I see that I want to be better because he’s there. I want to be better for him. I want to know how far this can go. I could have spent forever in his arms, and I know it’s a cliché, but if I had to choose between having today on repeat forever or having to move forward, today would be my final day. And I’d never cry again. Today, I felt true happiness with him.
And I will wonder how long I will have it for. But for now, I’ll keep it close to my heart. And remember that nothing can take away how happy he made me in the early hours of this morning.

The moment and the breath,
They collaborate. Collide.
In due time, this will subside,
Or so they say.
And we never got to say goodbye.
From where you see, you can reach us,
Feel the pain,
Touch our hearts.
We can’t reach back, and we wish you would have stayed,
Or we could go
To where you remain
Just to have more time with you.
It was much too soon.
It is always too soon
To never get the chance to hear your laugh,
Or see your smile,
Or hear what you have to say again.
But with this
Comes a sense of peace,
Knowing now you’re okay,
And you would want us to be okay.
You want us to remember
The smile, and the laugh, and the words
Because memory is what we can keep here.
Your life,
Our lives
Are all meant for something. For a reason.
And happiness is found within something more than just ourselves.
It comes from when we are all together.
But heaven called an angel home. And we’ll always question why.
Until we’re called. Until it’s our time. Until we’re ready to understand.
But we know it was for something. And most importantly,
We know you’re never going to be truly gone.

So keep smiling,
Keep laughing,
Keep teaching
Because though it’s tough to see right now,
You still are.
Always.

I’m just trying to find a point; a reason. I guess…period. That’s all I want. A reason for anything. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. My brain is just all over the place. Is this what it’s like to have gone mad? This consistent need to find out why I exist, why or if I even matter; one tiny life in a sea full of them. Why I’m getting hit with these waves of pain over and over, and why I can’t force it back, if only for a moment. I’m sure I matter, but given the current circumstances, it’s a little cloudy right now.

A safe haven is a place of comfort. A home. A place where love resides. A house is four walls; its brick and concrete. It is cement and it is drywall. It isn’t love, it isn’t trust. With the people that live there, it can still remain empty. I think I’d take the screaming and the yelling and the pain, then the emptiness. The walls, they don’t create a home. A fake smile loosely ties what we have left together. A hallow laugh rings longer, louder. This place is where screaming is silent, and only too real inside our minds. It’s a one man insanity show, yet somehow we all share it. A heart beat is a ticking clock, for when the next outburst will occur. This is where everything I knew of love fell to pieces, because of a substance. It can drown a family. It can tear them apart by tidal wives, sweeping depression and crashing anxiety. Fighting to the surface to escape embracing anger and hatred all too tightly, until you can’t breathe. Until it’s too much. To have it rip apart my home, my whole world, is something more than God intended for me to take.