a year ago
or so
you told me that no one was ever going to love me again
you looked at me and I believed you
you loved me
and love is honest.

i didn't know then
that abusers
take the birds
they love
and scramble to clip
their wings
and then ask them to fly

so
i clung to you because
you were all I was ever going to get
but-
that was
a bit more
than a year or so ago

we were emaciated; ruined  
much like the twisted silence at the foot of your bed
a hollow battle field where our hearts would lay
and in nooks of tangled legs and distraught blankets
our secrets would hide

then at night fall they would dissapate
into the cage we called a home,
to poison the atmosphere already swollen
with ambigious thoughts and supressed dreams
  
we wait for rain
and we wait for the sun
but never reach into the atmosphere

so like our secrets we lay dormant
in our monotonous routines
and our open eyed sleep

still
the night
she reaches through
hazy and taciturn
leaving me
with memories
of myself echoing
into her breath -
staggering into
the grip
of planned
obsolescence

I've always been
stubborn as hell
just like you
and I know we don't
share blood
but we shared
christmas fires
and a fickle set of ****** tires
we made up
a home together
my dad
you and me
one two and
three

I'm stubborn as hell
just like you
and
I'm never going to
be able to get
how you looked at me
the last time I saw your face.

Your hands
    cleaner
than my
sunday
shirt
and
I've collected
quite a bit
of dirt

The city
Is swelling
Like the belly
Of an opossum
That was
Hit by a car
On memorial
Despite
The constant
Gridlock of
Folks wasting
Away with their
Air conditioned
Tape deck days

The city is swollen
Like my lower
Lip when
You smacked
Me across my face
And I don't know
How
I ended
Up being the one
To blame

The city is swelling
With people
And somehow
I managed
To never stop
Feeling so
*******
alone

Loving you is like wanting to know the softness of an exceptionally beautiful cloud. One can only know its touch in the form of rain.

I used to say that
I was only a creature of the day
despite my love for
the moons glow
I sent the night away
and now all I wish
to see
is the moon
I know

mountains
and cradles
and my eyes
which have retreated back
into my skull
because i can't sleep
with all of these polarities
running wild
in my mind

there's so
much
I have
to get
done
but
the only
thing I'm
good
at is
shutting

down

There’s a pile of leaves
In freedom park that
I hesitate at
It’s tempting to
Dive in
Afraid I’ll find the pain
Of all the I love you’s
I’ve withheld
With cold
Curled fingers
Afraid I’ll find the ground
To be harder
Than I thought

Love seems
that it's half way
unconscious
like
burn on my cheeks
whenever I see
my lover
smile
and
halfway a choice
to be respect
the other
and their emotions
even if that
means
accepting the
fact
they may never
really ever love you back.

I never had            rose petals
placed in my head
or a *******
                         sappy romance
just concrete
bricks
scraping my back
every time your
body
tensed up and swayed
the thoughts
the dead leaves
left alone
to wash down
the drain or
sink into the Earth

I often wonder how
it would've been if
I had
tried to say no
instead of not saying
yes

Walking down memorial
the smell of hot & wet soil
packed into plastic
making walls along the sidewalk
the gardener and the garden
both remind me
how the seasons begin to turn
like pages in a book
that was left
without needing to know
the ending

and yes
how sweet is that scent

shivers
like the three day old knot
thats grown into my back
just above
my four month old
spinal tap

and i hope
i pray
that you might
stay for
one more night
of my chaotic
and calm
coaster ride

Today it
Occurred to me that
I could dissect your dialect
Savour every breath
And take notes
Of when and why
I thought
Your heart was
Pounding out of your chest
I could pull meaning
From your lips
Like lust
Or
Lovers
Maybe?
I could try and understand
Why I felt some days
So soft like summer
Sun and others
Are as if I've been
Frozen all along
I could fight
The fact that I'm
Always afraid
of your
Fleeting
fingertips

Today I realized
That if I did all of this
I wouldn't get the chance
To know the flashes
Of light that sometimes
Fill your face
Or hear tales
Of dancing shoes
Hallways of birds or
To count the freckles on your shoulders

I know
That
I'm not
Actually alone
And that
Dying won't
Really solve
Anything
So I'm just
Stuck
******* thinking
About it

A memory
Chiseled away
Somewhere deep
In tertiary terrain
The need to be small
Trained to touch
Make no noise
Don’t need too much
I still shut doors
And turn the ***
To be as quiet
As a mouse
In my minds glass
House

Today I realized
that tomorrow you
could get hit by a bus

and you'd never know
that I love you

No one wants
Broken goods
finger to lips
Stolen sips from
Those sweet honey hips
No one wants
A melded mind
Mineral mounds
And uncommon sounds
No one wants you
But mostly no one wants
me hung from a tree
Spoiled she
No one wants my broken
Goods
Baggage Claim
Swallowed in flame
No one wants
My mineral mound
Pumping heart sounds
Tossed around
Abandoned
One two three
What could it be?
No one wants
Damaged goods

bipolar is
collecting
ten baskets of
fruit
and the next day
realizing that it
was never
quite ripe

i miss cherry blossoms
and that time of the year
where life seems
to sprout from my ears
i miss waves

and most of all
i miss you

he said he's just a man
with teeth tearing God's back
he's running on putrid plaque
fate can't control
a foriegn face
in any unknown
place

Feeling your
Fleeting interactions
Freeing my
Foot path
From my heart to yours
Feeling your
Fleeing song birds
Fearing myself
Forgetting your words
Fighting my
Forseen
Future for
I have the world pressed to my palms

Lately when I drink
I drink at bars two miles
Away from my house
Four shots of whiskey and
I usually get sad and I
Walk home
And the other night
I did that
And caught wind
That was missing
Someone

I began to stumble
My way home
I usually try to look mean
And unapproachable
But still I hear
A "hey baby"
******* can't
See I'm crying
And I turn around
On fire and tell him
To *******
He tells me it's thanksgiving as if
That means ****
To me
And I barrel home
Thinking he doesn't
Know that I am
Just starting to notice
All the cracks in
The pavement
And the empty spaces
Where the honey combed
Brick used to lay
And I'm wishing
I hadn't felt so
Strange toward you

It's far easier
to believe
that you never really loved me at all
than to drown in the fact
that I just couldn't
keep you
or maybe I just
didn't deserve you quite
like I had imagined

There are no windows here
cold body
mind so near
sink like summer time
sink don't fall
No, no windows
not here

Just empty pages
to be written
and voices to be heard
Plenty of doors to be broken
thoughts that scream
but you dare not say a word
lay on the floor
sweet child
and hope to hear the rain
lay on the floor
and hope you'll see day again
cast away into your cave
into the night
where you cannot be saved
force yourself awake
and force yourself to create
force yourself to love
the day
and force yourself
just not too late

I know there are no windows here
and sunshine seems so strong
but please I'm begging you to
get up and head outside
I'm begging you
to stay strong
No there are no windows here
but you've been deeper in
darkness than this.

i need to carry

heavy
               things

so i wont feel the


emptiness


of my own weight

my mouth
is
as green
as spring
but
that's not to
say that I
only speak
in tethered
tongues
and mindless
music

that's not to say
i haven't thought
thousands of
pretty
words
and then wrote
three
empty pages

that's not to say
i've held on to
dependent ideals
like ivy on the fence

it's really not
for you to
assume

Perfection.
A sun my wax wings won't reach.
                How?
Struggle and pain and all gain.
                Now?
Ok.
         Find my body washed up on the beach.

Void
Without any contents; empty.
Falling asleep feeling under my skin
Subsistence
The state or fact or existing.
Or nothing at all

Have I ever told you about
my wax heart
Melting at the sound
of your half
smoked
slightly ******
Soul
I drip
I trickle
all the way down
your scarred chin
Hoping
that you
might-
one of these days-
     let me
win

You're my bones
Taking up your heavy stones
Can't possibly give me muscle loans
But you're still my bones

Finding time too fast
Crash, rebuild, and crash
Build up and trash

You're always in love
But what do you think it's made of?

Photographs like light captured
From the edge of your smile
Wholesome threat
And your snaggle tooth that at sometime
At some point
I’d pray to never forget

For some reason tonight I feel depressed
like there is a dark nebula forming inside of me.
I know that sounds stupid,
but it's how I picture it in my lungs,
asphyxiating me from inside,
melting my solid structure,
then gently pressing me into the earth,
and the whole time my heart is beating,
                                                        ­  beating,
                                                      ­      beating,
                                                  ­            until it just comes to a slow halt.
And I wonder what it's like to die alone?

my fire is back
whirlwind
wanderer
wistful
whisper
wonderful
woman
my fire is back
and my feet
won't fail
me
this time

it's winter
again
and i'm somehow
always surprised
by the leaves
changing
and dropping
like edits
to your smile

my cupids bow
cracked
from weather,
weathering,
&  the softening
at your touch
crumbling
again and again
just like the leaves
do
in
winter

and I don't think my lips will ever heal

Unfamiliar
Like a dog
Brick alley
And chills of winter
Suited up
In feathered armor
Cold and
Longing for
Home

I can see my heart beat in my eyes
And I can hear the little girl’s cries
Even where the little girl lies
I can see my heart beat in my eyes
I can see the blood in the grass
Even though our love is the mass
Partly because I let him pass
And I can see the blood in the grass
I can feel your pain
Never known any gain
Yet never known any strain
Still I can feel your pain
Is the world its true
Still only blue?

Summers only get hotter
Don’t they?
Spitting cherry pits
On the train tracks
That separate chosewood
From Lakewood
Cherry wood
I like the stain left on
My fingers
My lips
Runny bliss
Sampling the simplicity
Of hot
& sticky
& condensed
Forms of self
Nice girls
Get the chance
To be hurt again
And again
Right?
Do bruised fruits taste less sweet?
Not really sure
Just spitting cherry pits
Onto train tracks

Don't tell me how
   let me discover
   let me live with juvenessance
   and purity.
But then when the time comes
   I will have to experience
   I will be stained with the
       imperfections of the human hand...
                                                                      crushed.
Even then you must let me get *****
                                  let me feel pain.
                                  let me sit on the shore of vastness
                                  and let me contemplate what put me here.
Without suffering we have no reason to fight.
We have no drive for peace.
So let me be born
                        and born again
and let me search over
                                 and over again

                        until I become the one you cannot search for.