someone stepped on my neck
while I was asleep
and pushed
until my veins
to my brain
were nothing more than
pressed flowers between
chapters of some book
butchered

no blood in the pages
just oceans of emotion
and empty words
to be swallowed
swished around
tasted
spit out
and extracted to ultimate
pretention

"Try it out." he said
And my stomach
tangled with my brain
hunger
consumed me
but not the other
way around

we had always been
unvarnished
and mostly untouched
but then
I crept into the
basement of my
halfway thoughts
and there I wished
to hear him
one more
time

but I knew
his pale,
blue moon voice
had been lost
and I knew
the past could
only feel good once
and cigarettes couldn't
be smoked twice

I knew better
but still
   it came as such a surprise
that each fraudulent feeling
wouldn't seep the same
and even through
your stumbling words
I could tell
that you meant
well

Complacency
Black patent smiles
paired with
               business        ties
   Empty rooms
and cat fur coats
a sinful angel.

Why so somber saturn suns?
    Sleep so numb

Complacency
or the inert force of facing your fears
You lost all your big brass hair
searching for the apparition of a heart        thats
                                                                     never there.

acid stains you
like the thousands of neighbors you never really knew
acid changes you
like when the window panes climb to the sky
and you never really figure out why
acid stains you

we held hands in our rubber-shared-handstands
but you never really thought through your plans
the mountains would become the sun
and we could warm our guns
we would never know
how much we'd really changed

we were puzzles in layers of nothing
but it's all got to be for something
we were tired but we never really slept
dreaming with our eyes open
wishing not to forget

the candles and kaleidoscope hopes
time lapsed trees and stars on boulevard
halls of breath and crazy drug popes
i don't really know it's all dope

Even equilibrium
and equal weight

right brained
and left minded

light feet
but heavy hearted

tragic beauty
with uniform grisly grins

stuck
moving too quickly

poetic justice
and lyrical sin

I balance

the yin
             the yang

the pure
               the soiled

the fertile
                 the barren

the empty
and full






well...
at least I try

I had a dream
that you got braces
to close the gap
from your lost tooth
it was your left,
my right,
I think
and
I wonder what
it means
to dream of
someone else's
teeth

Achy
Like when I chew my nails
Too short
Bursting blood vessels
At the tips
The pads of my fingers
Sensitive to
The touch
And my heart
Gently
And painfully
Beating underneath

I say this because
I noticed you bite your nails too
And maybe
One day you’ll meet me
Where I am

intimacy,
she wraps around my legs like a cobra
and i am afraid

I deserve good things
Picking pecans from the ground
Peppermint tea on my night stand
I deserve to fall in love
With the indentation in the floor
In front of my kitchen sink
The bliss of
A wooden spoon
How many times a year
Can you give yourself to an idea?

hey there little chicken bone
you were left all alone
on the street
with no meat
no piece of me
i know you’re only four years old
not feeling very bold
and you don’t want to go on believing in
love when its not enough
it’s not enough

hey starry eyed
with your sideways smile
and your sharpened teeth
ready to meet some flesh
cause your so **** tough
so **** tough

put em up
pull em out
with your way word dreams
and all the demons
you sing about
put em up
oh pull em out
on the nicotine fiend
and the fighter in your sleep
you drink em out
put em up
root them out
all those demons you sing about

I killed you but I never touched your soul
I never drilled that hole
I never even wanted to take that kind of toll
You came to me
You made us one, two, three
And then I was out
We were through
And I never meant to bring this all to you.
Time was up
You were done
And I,
Myself,
Handed you the gun.

We are thin
Blood drawn in
Give us fate
We will wait

Time will tell
Tell us well
Change for me
Soon you'll see

Locked up dead
We are red

if i could grow a forest
kessler, would you meet me there?

I deserve good things
Like kettle corn
And the promise that
Seeds I spit will grow
Laying shoulder blade
To shoulder blade
sometimes
Summers on top of
Your comforter
And comfort
In knowing
The heavy softness
Of knowing
You

I've been putting my
2 year old knots
up in a bun
with the loose hair
falling out like
spider limbs
for a few weeks now
hiding
my strength
behind a scarf
and sunglasses
hoping that maybe this
will disappear and leave
me alone
even though
that is the last thing I want to be
I've been hiding from you
by sleeping with my back
to the sky
and my
face buried in the sand

and today
I've started
to actually
listen
when I think
and hear
what I pretend
when I speak

Roses in a pitcher in a window at a suburban Starbucks. They’re still wrapped in the plastic from Publix. A koolaid pitcher. A kind gesture from a stranger to another.

Eating my roommates left over pastina (the kind he makes that I like with carrots and kale) room temp out of the *** while I load the dish washer

While I’m loading the dishwasher it begins to rain (ga is turning into Florida) but I like how the rain looks out the window in front of the plant cuttings I have rooting on the windowsill

The plant cuttings in the cute jars I don’t need to collect but still find joy in collecting

New leaves and how good it makes me feel to talk to them

A *** of tea I bought for two, and even though I’m just one now I can almost always still finish the ***

Peppermint

The tin of loose leaf jasmine, its golden color, and the instruction manual that comes with it. How to make jasmine tea.

Spending as long as I want in the grocery store or famers market

Produce makes me really happy
So does the bakery
So does planning a meal for friends
And so does buying flowers

Crying listening to npr in my car (this American life or wait wait don’t tell me)
Crying feels good sometimes and these programs make me feel closer to my mom even though we’ve almost always lived far apart

Making bread. I can only make focaccia right now and I’m generally bad at baking. This is teaching me a patience that I think I can have else where

Sunbathing

Time in the water til you get pruny and your skin feels slick. This is a specific summer joy in a lake or a river
Maybe the ocean

Public pools and the way little kids really have no spatial awareness
When it’s hot in the summer a lot of parents/babysitters, grandmas, etc bring the little ones into the sun for a few hours. Wading through the 3ft section dodging little kids with goggles that come up gasping for hair all snot faced

The idea that maybe I want kids one day
It’s a nice
Daydream

Talking about daydreams
Making big plans that you aren’t sure will happen, but there’s still joy in the giggling delusion you share with friends or lovers or strangers

The train, the light in the train, the knowing you’re on a train
I mean even Marta

Mushrooms. I think chanterelles changed my life. Brought me back to the day time. Brought me back to connection not involved a dime bag or 20 shots back to back. A day time connection. A natural one cultivated at the roots of oaks.

Oak trees are old.

Black berries grow everywhere in Georgia. I find them hiding along the fences under overpasses. Hushing traffic with their glistening dark pearls and red thorns. I’m not sure I’d eat those but they still bring me joy.

Honey suckle. I thought they smelled like jasmine so I told everyone I had jasmine in my yard. I was wrong. I love the smell and how far it travels. I love the tea I make from it sometimes.

Ash’s giggle and brightening personality
Danielle’s fierce loyalty and dedication
Mias softness, wisdom, and determination
Emma’s playfulness, her creativity, and wanderlust

Theo laying behind me on the couch
Using her as a pillow

Dog birthdays

The guy riding his moped with a plastic rain bubble around it on boulevard

Trying to place a prank call but giggling too much to finish saying anything. The adrenaline hits me despite my failure.

3 am makes trees grow taller
i've seen it
falling into the edge of morning
it's gentle like the sway of
my buckling knees
under the weight of
four drinks
and the rush of being in love

i know there have been others
maybe there will be more
that i want to stay awake for -

a play ground at dawn
lost key and found lock,
even the same story
begins to feel
new

I guess it starts as a flame
Burning,
Bursting with energy
Melting the wax
Deterioating skin cells
Sick cells
Emotion and mind
It makes you stupid
Makes you insane
Makes you love
Makes you black, white, and a sickening red
And when the symptoms of infection start showing
When the blisters start oozing
And when the pain is unbearable
Put out the flame
Let your wax return to a solid state
But I warn you
Love leaves deformities
Leaves loving deformities
Puckered lines that are painfully friendly and painful reminders.

create a message
and receive it the same

It's that moment that's going to stick with you
That moment where you honestly think your life is about to end
As you clutch the blue corduroy fabric on your couch
And scream out in pain
Your body is screaming back at you just as violently
"How could you do this to me?"
Your stomach is gnawing through your skin
You know you need to eat but the thought of it just
Forces stomach acids into your throat
You swallow and try to clutch the couch harder
You try to get a better grip on reality
But this is it
It's scary because you've already lost everything except for your physical being
And now life and death is melting into that couch
"You
        Are
               Dying."

Then,
At that moment,
You decide to run.

this morning
i tasted
purple and white
as the sun rose
and i watched
a coworker
pour 4
sugar packets
into their coffee
by 11 my veins were pumping
yellow
and black
i was buzzing
i was electric
driving home
at 90 miles
fueling flames
and taking names

by 3 my breath
stood idle
in red
dancing around the
start
waiting
waiting
and then by 4 my eyes
turned green
in pure bliss
bending
twirling
kissing
then with your
face to her ear


by 8
i dove into blue
i dove into black
when I remembered
sometimes I feel
there aren't any bridges here
for this gap

by ten
I turned off the lights
and sat
with the wings
you gave me
in my hand.

It's the kind of
                 burn that
            sits                  waits
                 softly tearing
        at your
flesh
breaking
         a p a r t
tangles
of nerves
squeezingyour
sinking
                         lungs.
                             cornering a
                                  croaking   h e  a r  t.


back me into a
corner just to feel
warmth from my flame.

long drives are good
for counting
short lived
love letters
lasting
laying waste
In some landfill on the border of
Northern Georgia
dreaming of
three four
crushing concrete columns
and shaking out
some of the weight
you may have left
me in the backseat
of my car.

I love
laying on park benches
and breathing
heart beating
watching the sun flutter
from the leaves
casting shadows
and trickling
down her
light to me
I love walking
gratitude in each step
feeling the earth
hug my feet
toe to heel
time to heal
banana bread
banana peel
I love pancakes
and you
more than
I ever thought I might

it smelled like fruit at
the train station this morning
maybe it was the mother -
infant draped, arms
over her shoulder
soft and smiling

it could've been the man
holding flowers
white knuckled
hungrily consuming the tile
with black patented
like the ants I see
carrying off
other ants

or maybe it’s that three years later
summer still feels
like orange peels
baking in a hot
train station
and I’m still there
weighing out how
it feels to be human

Back
Behind these yellow walls
Behind every unspoken fall
Here I am back, behind these walls.

And nine times out of ten
We're all the same

Sweat pooled behind my knee
Do bees need to sting?
And didn’t you ever love me
Even if only for a second
I just wanted to know

If I could I'd
walk away
And I wouldn't even
think
twice
if I could I
would let go of
my heart
Because I know it
feels too much
For every
dying being around
Me (they are really just
Pests)
But for some
Reason I like
Malnourishing
My heart
for some reason
I like
to hurt
And maybe
Just maybe
In 23 hours
I'll be able to
Leave
To walk away from
You

Its more likely
that I wont

Fraudulence
That seems so real
Like the feeling on my finger tips
Brushing water on your cheek

Smile lines
Thick from fake
Please have my heart to take

Bent, ready to break,
Or just ready to snap
You clean up so well
No one knows your act
But I know your smirk
I've seen your teeth
I've felt the blade

I just never knew
Nothing would change

Why is it-
In brown paper bags
Declarations of love-
That I only want
You distant and sharp.

Lately I've been thinking
About all the hairpin
Turns I've gone around
Too quickly
And almost eaten
My own ***
Straight into
A tree

And mostly
I've been thinking
About all the
Ships I've sunk
With tiny
Needle.     point
Holes
Thousands
Of perforated
Perfunctorily placed
Sailor sabotage

All of those ships
resting at the bottom
Of my halfway conscious
Self
Because I'm afraid
Of being the barnacle
Brained woman
That I am
Clinging to the bellies
Of the sinking
Ships I've carefully
Cast into
The depths

And lately I've
Been wondering
Why I've never been so
Lucky as to
Hit one of
Those needle poked turns
As fast as I could

it's rainy season
and I find myself lost
in small love(s)
not present
& purely situational
but it's nice
holding hands
during rainy season
inheriting
the petrichor
that's just passing through

I take pictures of my hands
But not because they’re beautiful
Marked by my gnawing
A sense of growing older
And the tobacco stains
From each night before
I take pictures of my hands
To hold my place

Lately I've been
Thinking about this little girl
That was in the room next to mine
At the state rehab
Facility when I
Was 13
She was always
Crying
And being
Told to wash her face
Use her coping skills
She was 6
And her parents told
Her they were going
Out for
ice cream
Then they dropped her
Off
And she hasn't seen
Them in two weeks
So she's crying
And she's scared
And she's telling this
To a drugged up
Hospital gowned (they took all my clothes at check in)
Preteen
She's scared
I've got scars up
And down my arms

She's scared
And she's crying
And this isn't the ice cream parlor
Down the street
From her suburban home
And this isn't her bed
These aren't her friends
And I don't know why
But I promised her that everything would be ok
And that it was fine to be scared
         her parents were coming back

Everything would be fine
And perhaps there would be pudding
With sprinkles at lunch
Which is pretty close to ice cream.

I wrapped my pinky around
Hers
Half the size
And I promised her all of these things
None of which I really knew
To be true
A nurse came barreling down the hallway
And screamed at me
For interacting with a younger
Girl in a different program
Then they moved her to a different room

I never saw her again
Heard her cry
And I forgot about her
Little blotchy
Swollen face
Crying to me
Throughout the years

Then a few weeks ago
I remembered that you had promised to me
You would always be here
Which you couldn't possibly know
And I thought of the girl
And the ice cream
All of the promises I made

I wondered if I had lied
To her
And I wondered
Why we so often
Make promises
We aren't entirely sure
Will be kept?

Remember when my necklace
Got so tangled in my
Hair that you had to
Cut the chain free?

Something about
The cool scissors
And your hand
Bracing my neck
Felt sweet

& now
The lock you cut
Won’t stay in place
I struggle with it
Most days

In the spring time
I walk through the city
Palms up
Touching every flower
I can
And think myself a pollinator
Inheriting the passing petrichor
The sweetness of red mud
And isn’t that enough?
The bees momentary visit
To the flower
Asking her to grow
Palms facing up

Your heart ticked like
               an open time    
                        bomb
Beneath my swollen finger tips.
                I gazed into  
                        your star filled
face and smiled.

I couldn't help it  
           Your body was singing beneath my grasp
                       and your heart beat shook mine
We're in tune
         In time
            you said.
I'll believe you
                                       Until the record starts to skip

You were a beat
Pumping rythym always
put you on your feet

You were the big Dean
A man of virtuous sin
and grandfather's raspberry gin

Now you're too tired
to even see the end

I sink in
Window like a screensaver
People living
Moving like
The leaves still attached
On the brink of
Fall

I sink further in
Cerulean chair
Bones from the 80s
(Could’ve been the 90s)
Cut & carved
With a story
Never ending

When I was eight
I would fall asleep
in the corners
of my house
often left alone
because I felt
my bed
was the reason I could not sleep
I felt
like it knew
I wasn't worthy
of the pillow
or my sheets
or the cascade of
sunbeams
that would fall on my
face in the morning
just like they do now

I would walk around the house
empty and creaking
and I would walk into the kitchen
and hold a knife
to my stomach
with my reflection
in the granite counter top
and I would wonder
why I felt
that it was often better
to die than try to
deal
with my mind numbing
nothings
and the questions
they posed

I didn't know yet
people took their lives.
That people
felt these things sometimes
they had clouds
that would hang over heads
sometimes for months
I hadn't felt a loss
but still
I knew this ride
only had a one way
track
and I wanted off

It's heavy
to feel the heat
that runs through my
blood when I'm behind
the wheel of a car
or walking over
a bridge
it's difficult
to always see
ledges without
safety fences
and concrete columns
and not really understand why
the mineral mounds
in my brain
just aren't stacked the same
as Bill
or Jane
Because I've always known
this one track train
to not have a definitive escape
just a one way ticket
and only one lane

It's heavy to always
see ledges without
safety fences
and find some calm
some comfort in
that.

Reality is not set in stone
Life
Life isn't real
Here
Here is life
He said
"Life can't be fake because the only thing you will ever consistently have until the day you die is the life you lead."
But it's scary not to know if I feel
If i see
If i touch, taste, smell
What's actually there
What if I can't see the blue
or the cold can't be felt
What if this isn't reality because reality
Is a dream when I was little
Those dreams that stayed with me when I was awake.

I used to watch my old neighbor
Walk 3 times a day to the edge of his yard
Hands grasped behind his back
Half tucked in white shirt
Yellowed by tobacco or maybe sweat
He’d stand there hands
Holding his own hands
And wait
Just a few minutes
Then like his grey hair
Uncut and curling
He’d wind back
To his front door

Sometimes I’d sit
And watch

Moon beam did you see
me in your dreams
for darling I don't understand
these
things

There are so many names
But all lack the mass
To stand above
Oceans and
crash
rebuild
crash.

Last night
Was the first time
I have ever
Flinched when
A lover made
Too sharp of a movement
Out of the
Corner of my eye
And here I thought
I had rid myself of
Every trace of you.

God isn't a face
isn't a finite place
no bird by mouth
or word by flight
quit trying to fit the universe into your shoe box
darling and          

through energy in the simplest of ways
started light in days.