Mel Little: Poems

103 · May 2024

If reality were a dream, though

Mel Little May 2024

If reality were a dream, though

It would really be something,
If these love letters
Became the start
Of everything
Real

103 · Jul 2024

Princess Charming

Mel Little Jul 2024

Princess Charming

This feels like the opposite of Rapunzel.

Like, you don't have hair
(Not long enough to pull myself up with, anyway,
Only long enough to pull you toward me)
And you're obviously a boy
But somehow I have to break you
Out of this fortress

Of your own brain
This prison you've locked yourself
Away in, and kicked away the key
Because no one ever showed you that
Life could be any different

My Gods, let me show you.
Let me hold you.
I know just how life can be different
How love can be different
I can show you

If I can just break you out
Of this ******* castle

102 · Apr 2024

Shaved Legs

Mel Little Apr 2024

Shaved Legs

I wait for the footsteps up the stairs
Heavy, familiar, you'll say your back hurts
As you wrap me in your arms

And the times that you fell short will not matter
After all, we all have growing to do, right?
And I'll take you in my arms

I've waited for you to come around a long time,
Familiar, lover, and we'll say we missed this
As your hands graze freshly shaved legs

We'll both pretend we're not lying to ourselves

102 · May 2024

No, but seriously

Mel Little May 2024

No, but seriously

I'll **** this up.

I'll say the wrong thing. I'll make the wrong comment. I'll wear the wrong thing. I'll make the wrong silly face at exactly the wrong time.

I get annoying. The quirks aren't so fun when they're really my personality. The weird isn't so cute when it bursts out of the seams of my existence.

I'll inevitably **** you off. It's not that I'll try. It's that the brain to mouth filter needs replaced at best, is absolutely irreparably broken in truth. It's that social cues aren't my forte. It's that I see the world through a lens that it's hard for others to share.

And yet, I'll battle against the self doubt every day. And yet, I have hope that I'm wrong. And yet, I believe I can still be loved.

102 · Nov 2023

Ouch

Mel Little Nov 2023

Ouch

I didn't realize that it would hurt to see your name.
Why do I always open my stupid ******* mouth?

100 · May 2024

4Am

Mel Little May 2024

4Am

You keep telling me to call it
"Say when"
But it's 4am and I'm still imagining
You trailing kisses up my thighs
Because you put the image there to begin with

I guess we've flipped roles.
You used to be the lion,
And I used to be the lamb
But I'd consume you before
I let this die

I'm not strong enough to call it.
You already know that.

99 · May 2024

Shadow

Mel Little May 2024

Shadow

The tendrils creep up slowly
Icy cold wraps up smooth thighs first
Sinking into the pit of my stomach
The dregs of anxiety unwavering

"You'll always be alone."

Don't I know it? I tell myself,
Fighting off the fear again and again
The clutching cold at my throat
Vines of breathlessness encroaching
On my ability to live
This ******* rock on my chest has to let up

"You'll never be good enough."

I know that too, that's why
I continue to fight, continue to learn
Continue to make mistakes and repeat
Them just in case.

I ******* know. I know my faults. I know my hangups. I know.

98 · Feb 2024

Exhausted

Mel Little Feb 2024

Exhausted

Sleep would be a literal dream
But I play it over and over and over again
Sitting in the dark, staring at the ugly pattern stamped into the ceiling
It just doesn't make sense.

How can you tell me to take up space,
But get frustrated when my feelings get
Too big, too chaotic?
I guess I'll always be too much.

I grew so big, I guess I'm the one that somehow created
This canyon between us
Where there was once mere centimeters.

I thought I knew who I was,
But that's just something I tell myself
When I need to feel better I guess
Because I've never known who I am
Without loving someone else.

So the minutes tick on, and I'm not sure whether or not to text you.
So the sun goes down, and minutes turn to hours turn to days.
And I blink again, again. Beg sleep to find me.
Call out for the sandman.
Or any man, I guess.
It doesn't seem I know how to choose.

98 · May 2024

The Truth

Mel Little May 2024

The Truth

I've been chasing the feeling of being alive for longer than I can remember being happy

And there are moments, of course, where I glimpse it,
Where the monotony of life doesn't drag me under in its endless depths
But it seems so fleeting lately, that it's hard to remember.

And I know, I know, I put all of this energy in seeking it in all the wrong places. I should probably got get on a ******* roller coaster or something,
Instead of riding...
This ******* downhill battle

But the funny thing is, I do love and value myself. It's not that I don't. It's not that I don't know my own worth.

It's just that the two sides of me are a double edged sword. And I'm always ******* myself up in the end,
It's just too sharp.

I say too much, I try too hard. I'm a ******* mess. And I probably always will be. I don't know how to put the mask back on anymore.

96 · May 2024

Self Destruct

Mel Little May 2024

Self Destruct

Don't dwell so hard, dear one.
I won't actually off myself if you disappear.
It is what it is.
I'm just a ****** being in need of release
Don't let me ruin you

94 · May 2024

Empty

Mel Little May 2024

Empty

I told you before, I'd shut it all down
Because it's better to not feel anything at all
Than constantly be hurt.

91 · Mar 2024

What secrets?

Mel Little Mar 2024

What secrets?

Just, you know,
How desperately I yearn for human connection
Or how impossible I think I am to love
Or how I find the best in absolutely everyone
Or how I'm out to heal every broken person I've ever touched

Or maybe how hands look like necklaces in just the right setting
Or how I yearn for someone to just take my breath away
Literally, figuratively, all of the above
How I wish to be claimed, marked

Or how the wild side of me tames in the mundane
And I loved being a wife, I just had a husband that never loved me
That I would lay the world open for the right man, that I would create a thousand universes and souls for the right man...

But no. We keep those things to ourselves.

91 · May 2024

Greener Grass

Mel Little May 2024

Greener Grass

I miss my dog.

I definitely don't miss you. Or your ******* or your lies.

I miss the stability of keeping my life together in a familiar hell.

I definitely don't miss you, or the Tinder account you tried to lie about, or the friends you let disrespect me to my face in front of our son.

I miss knowing exactly what my day was going to be, even in monotony.

I don't miss you, or being screamed at, or being told I'm not desirable because I wear yoga pants to clean the house.

I miss having more free time.

I don't miss you, or being bullied for my hair color, or sleeping alone in a bedroom meant for two while you found solace in someone else's bed.

I miss what you could have been, but I don't miss you.

90 · Apr 2024

Ifs and Whens

Mel Little Apr 2024

Ifs and Whens

If the universe grants me peace, and when it finally does
I guess I'll know the truth of it, the lessons from what was.

If my body grants me health, and when maybe it finally will,
I'll try my best to keep it up, to keep from feeling ill.

If this Earth should grant me love, and when it finally comes
I hope I'll keep my wits this time, and relish in what it becomes

And if this life should grant me time, and when it finally ends
Just know that I've enjoyed myself, my family and my friends.

90 · Feb 14

Entanglements

Mel Little Feb 14

Entanglements

Is this another lesson?

How to rip my insecurities open one by one
Dig into the wounds and twist the knife
Examine just how much I squirm under
Scrutiny

I thought this would be healing.

Finally, a cure to a problem I never caused,
The answer to a question I forgot I even asked
The years of searching for a reason nullified
Real

And instead

I’m questioning reality, if I learned anything
At all

89 · Feb 15

Valentine

Mel Little Feb 15

Valentine

It is Friday night and the only ***** getting licked is Loki, the orange tabby at the end of my bed.

I’ve gotten used to the monotony of sleepwalking through life, graveyard shift be ******

Every time I reach for a flicker of something of anything
All I get is burned

So I trudge and ignore the glances and find my chargers and cry in the shower.
So I blister and bruise and bend and break time and time again
Just to be wrong
Just to always be wrong

“It’s Valentine’s Day, that’s why we don’t have school.”

“Nobody actually gives a **** that it’s Valentine’s Day, kid. I love you, but it’s not a real holiday.”

I used to write love letters. Now I don’t write at all.

87 · Apr 2024

For reasons undisclosed

Mel Little Apr 2024

For reasons undisclosed

******* if it doesn't hurt to be used again
Washed up and bleeding and wildly confused again

Why do I let myself stab my own heart?

And **** if the smoke isn't clearing the room, my head or my heart or my impending doom

Why can't I stop myself falling apart?

87 · Apr 2024

Distracting

Mel Little Apr 2024

Distracting

You ooze that good boy persona just a little too well,
And people whisper about how I am defiling you
But the pressure of your hand at the small of my back
Is enough to remind me that I really don't care.

And maybe I don't know if this will last two weeks
Two months
Or two years
Or maybe two lifetimes

The most selfish part of me hopes I never have to find out

And I'm still trying to keep ahold of my feelings,
          I'm better in writing, anyway
And just when I think I'm going to squelch it
          I'm better at writing, anyway
You stretch and just a strip of your skin shows,
Leaving me lost in the thought of your hips against mine, your lips against mine

          God, I'm awful at goodbyes

And you wonder why you're a distraction

86 · May 2024

NJR

Mel Little May 2024

NJR

I selfishly hope that when you look up and see how not okay I really am,
while I'm pretending to be for your sake,
It rips your heart apart.

86 · May 2024

Security Blanket

Mel Little May 2024

Security Blanket

I'm the safe option, it's why you want me.
Because I'm the option you don't have to invest in, or change for,
The option that's easy because it's the one that can't be real.

You want me because I cannot leash you, I cannot go through your phone, I cannot tell you what you should or should not do. I can only hold midnight vigil and revelry for the darkest parts of your soul.

You want me because you always have, maybe a little, impression on a different version of you, 23 was a little easier.

But none of this will ever be all of it. None of it will ever encompass the entire truth. None of it stops the pull that never made sense anyway.

But it doesn't matter. We both know 400 miles is a gap we won't bridge. We both know at the end of the night, we're still going to be lonely.

But if it helps you sleep, the knowledge I'd burn it down for a chance to fill myself up with you? Take it, take me and empty yourself into me.

86 · May 2024

Nights like Those

Mel Little May 2024

Nights like Those

How strange, bitten lips between old friends
A juxtaposition from the reality that was

How intriguing, something familiar
Yet entirely different from what we could ever be

How worrying, the truth of it
The people we know will never see this coming from us

How delightful, the strange newness here
I only hope that this doesn't end with us lost at sea

86 · Apr 2024

Me and Mary

Mel Little Apr 2024

Me and Mary

When I walk with Mary, **** doesn't seem as bad
She doesn't judge me harshly, in fact she makes me laugh
And yeah, she's a little harsh around the edges,
not everyone's particular "Cup of tea"
But none of that **** matters when it's just Mary and Me.

This is a poem about drugs <3

82 · Apr 2024

Yo Quiero

Mel Little Apr 2024

Yo Quiero

I want so much, much more than I deserve

I want your time, and your energy. More than you're willing to invest.

I want your opinions and your flirtations and your humor and your giggles and silly noises, not that I am even worthy.

You see, I want. I covet. I wish. If I could, I'd take without a second thought. But I cannot be that person, I am not that person.

So I want. And yet, that is still a sin.

So I burn, I writhe, I want, I need

my heart beats so fast whenever you're near me, my body temperature rises, my face flushes... of course I'll go to hell for this

I want to tell you how much I want you. But fear leaves the words ash in my mouth.

82 · May 2024

Just kill me already

Mel Little May 2024

Just **** me already

No one ever sees when my soul is cutting its own tether to this earth.

No one ever notices when my eyes fixate far into the abyss.

No one ever holds me when I'm ripping myself apart to shreds.

But everyone will show up at my funeral telling everyone how they never knew I felt that way.

All anyone had to do was open their eyes.

81 · Mar 2024

The Graze of Fingertips

Mel Little Mar 2024

The Graze of Fingertips

Humans weren't meant to be alone
I know this in the empty pit of my soul,
I know it in the desperate ache in my chest
The burning in my eyes as I stare into the ever after

I fixate on it, so much, the empty darkness,
the last gasp of breath with no comfort,
the burning in my throat as I struggle to breathe
My one true fear is drowning in my own lungs.

But this, reaching for someone who isn't there,
who may never be there
This terrifying yearning to connect,
to feel like I won't ever ******* connect.
This is my damnation.

80 · Mar 2024

Again?? (Haiku)

Mel Little Mar 2024

Again?? (Haiku)

A *** drunken man
A Bed full of tangled sheets
I may fall again

80 · May 2024

Transcend

Mel Little May 2024

Transcend

To the random man in my inbox

The ex that won't leave me the **** alone

And the dude I've very blatantly told no so many times it's not even funny:

My soul is somewhere on Scorpius, waiting patiently to be reborn.

Try again in a few lifetimes.

77 · Apr 2024

Sinners

Mel Little Apr 2024

Sinners

Forever seeking a feeling of acceptance I've only gotten skin to skin

A person can only take so much damage, and when the lights turn on they turn away

I am not a haunted house

But the draft of emptiness looms here, and acceptance is hard to find

The powers that be will keep me locked in, love was always my biggest sin

73 · May 2024

Take me to Church

Mel Little May 2024

Take me to Church

I genuinely didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but don't disrespect me or degrade me and think there are no repercussions to your ego or livelihood,
That is not the way this goes.

You may not have realized, but though I go through Demon phases, I am a living, breathing Goddess that you will either worship or fear.
Whichever seems more to your liking.

69 · May 2024

Smirk

Mel Little May 2024

Smirk

You know what you should do? You should bite the bullet

And send me that text.

And depending on the honest answer to the question "are you seeing anyone seriously?"

I might spin the chamber

And send nudes.

68 · May 2024

Justin Time

Mel Little May 2024

Justin Time

A rose by any other name, right?
That's what Shakespeare said, anyway,
In that one really epic story
About toxic love and how
Both people just die at the end
Anyway

Of course you're hurting my feelings.
You know you are.
It's the asking that makes it worse.
Because we both know it will never
Be a thing
And I have always wanted it to
Far more than you.
Because there's something just *******,
I dunno,
Romantic about the idea, isn't there?
Dropping everything and starting over
With someone that knows exactly the mess
You really are?

It's why I fall in love so often,
Dear one. It's why I try so hard.
I'm constantly chasing the feeling
That I know I can't get
Anywhere else
But here.

It's why when you're suddenly around when
My life is going to shambles, I blindly
Grasp at this last straw of creativity
Because this is where I find
My soul

But I don't want to break her heart.
And you don't belong to me.
And you never will.
We both know it.

But it still hurts just the same,
Doesn't it?
Whether it's real or just a facade

66 · Apr 2024

Never me

Mel Little Apr 2024

Never me

Never me, questioning if the giving up is worth it
                             I **** well know I'm worth it

Never me, questioning if the fire really is as hot as I think
                             I can't and won't be burned again

Never me, questioning if this is really what I'm meant to be doing
                             Flee to the woods, girl, run yelling

Never me, pretending my feelings are erasable and mundane
                             Scream, let it out, you know you want to

Never me, logic and feeling arguing past the point of insanity
                             You were meant for bigger things, girl

Never me, trying to fuse all my feelings into a cohesive thought.

63 · Apr 2024

The title I would have chosen would get me banned

Mel Little Apr 2024

The title I would have chosen would get me banned

My body is not a burial ground for
someone else's wasted potential
and I really wish men would stop
assuming that it is.

61 · May 29

White Knight

Mel Little May 29

White Knight

I was never allowed to be damsel in distress.
Not allowed to be swallowed by terror and misery.

If I wanted something done, if I wanted to break out of the dungeon, if I wanted to fight for my life,

I had to do it myself.

For a decade, I swung wildly, beheading friend and foe both, screaming through the noise in my head and the blood in my mouth.

And then he came. And then he saw. The bodies, the mess, the blood and tears.

And he put his hand on the scabbard, disarming. He puts arms around me, disarming. He whispers away the demons, disarming.

I was never allowed to be damsel

Until a knight appeared.

— The End —