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Nov 28 · 22
JW
Mel Little Nov 28
JW
Yanno

I think it’s really, at the end of the day, that you’re the only person I could ever truly unmask with. You’re probably the only person that knows every depraved, ****** up thing about my true personality.

Thanks.

Please try to be happy. For me.
Nov 5 · 58
Daylight Savings
Mel Little Nov 5
My son does not understand why it is darker now
“But mom, three days ago at this time there was still sun!”

And I explain how, in our part of the world, we change our clocks for the benefit of using the most of our daylight

I do not tell him it is because we are slaves to time in the worst of ways

We spend mornings enjoying the sunrise together, and I count myself lucky that this time shift occurs

I do not tell him how I wish I could make it stop all together

“So is it 8? I’m staying up late?!”

I don’t bother to fight him, it’s the seventh times he’s asked the question, and I tousle his hair instead

Big brown eyes mischievously twinkle as he reaches for a hug, and jams his little fingers in my armpit painfully

“Tickle!!!” He shouts, rolling toward me and giggling.

I do not tell him that I would give all my hours to live in these moments with him
Oct 29 · 65
Homey
Mel Little Oct 29
Maybe it’s cliche to say
“I’ve never felt like this before”
Especially at my age
with the notches in my bedpost

It’s always different
The falling headfirst
The expansion of the different parts
Of my heart and mind

This doesn’t feel like another lesson
Butterflies erupting from my gut in the worst ways
This doesn’t feel like it’s going to hurt like hell in the morning

Time is irrelevant here, the cadence of
Our day measured in heartbeats and
Conversations
In anxieties and emotions
In knowing that we have each other

This has only ever felt like home.
Oct 14 · 64
Quiet
Mel Little Oct 14
No, no
Shh honey, it’s alright
I don’t wanna fight, don’t wanna do
Anything
But hold you and make all the scaries disappear

Yes, it’s fine
I know what it’s like to live inside
Your own head
Fighting
Tornados of chaos peeling at your
Sanity

Shh,
the world is big and we are small
But there is nothing to do
But hold each other
And face it
Mel Little Sep 7
I don’t think I’m made for the life of settling down

Because the boys that treat me right don’t **** me right
And the ones that make my bones shake are ******* I wouldn’t let my cat befriend.

I think I’m meant for the streets.
Aug 7 · 309
Hasta Mañana
Mel Little Aug 7
I knew this would come

The crack in my heart

The nostalgia as I stare at what could have been so hard that I know it’s ignoring me now.

The awkwardness exists in a bubble, one that hasn’t quite popped yet, but I know will.

And I only just wish that you’d seen me before it was too late.
Jul 25 · 77
What I envision
Mel Little Jul 25
I see a lawn mower with a pull start that I’m just not strong enough to get myself the first time
Maybe I’ll just plant clover, since grass is an invasive species
A swing set that in a few years I will curse, because no one uses the **** thing anyway, but I cannot just give up the nostalgia

I see boys tennis shoes laying at my door as my son and his friends play video games, or soccer, or skateboard in the street, or hell even just hit each other with sticks, as boys will be boys after all.

I see a laundry room, a whole separate laundry room from the house, a room that has a place to actually fold the laundry before you deliver it to its home.

A bathtub that both knee and nip can be warm, a place to smoke a joint or drink a beer and forget that the day was stressful.

I wish for a loving partner, of course, but I’ll do this regardless.

I have simple dreams, sure. But they’re still dreams.
Jul 17 · 86
Childlike
Mel Little Jul 17
I think it's the fact
That I never let my inner child
Go

She and I play all the time
Daydream together
Muse about the what ifs

And we still don't know what we wanna
Be

But she and I are fine with that
We laugh about it
Giggle about the what could have beens

But she is easy to hurt
Thin skinned
The world is mean
And she and I
Are thick as thieves
I know her like the back of my hand
And her heartache
Is mine
Jul 10 · 66
Let them
Mel Little Jul 10
I have decided to let go of the silly notion
That I can somehow control all of this
Control all of you
I can only control myself
(And that's even a little misleading)

So you can take your opinions
And do with them what you will
I literally refuse
To find it in me
To care
Jul 5 · 69
Wants Versus Needs
Mel Little Jul 5
I don't need you, I want you
And for me that's a lot
Figuring out I can stand on my own
Just fine
I don't need your help, I've got this
But I want you to lift heavy things for me
Anyway

I don't need you, I want to
Take care of you in a way
That no one ever has
Forever
To be the unwavering support you've
Given up on having
I promise

I don't need you, I want you
And not to take advantage of
To hold when you need holding
Space and time and
Your body
To cry when we need to cry
To laugh when we want to laugh

I don't need you, I want you
And not desperately,
But fleetingly

I want you to be happy
I need you to be happy
But I want you anyway
Jul 2 · 46
Princess Charming
Mel Little Jul 2
This feels like the opposite of Rapunzel.

Like, you don't have hair
(Not long enough to pull myself up with, anyway,
Only long enough to pull you toward me)
And you're obviously a boy
But somehow I have to break you
Out of this fortress

Of your own brain
This prison you've locked yourself
Away in, and kicked away the key
Because no one ever showed you that
Life could be any different

My Gods, let me show you.
Let me hold you.
I know just how life can be different
How love can be different
I can show you

If I can just break you out
Of this ******* castle
Jul 1 · 61
Struggle bus
Mel Little Jul 1
It's something like the insecurity that claws at my chest
The need to be needed more aligned than that what's best

But I never forget the way their mouths drop open when I fall
Or the guilty thrill I get when I'm about to get it all

It's happiness, fleeting, shaking, faking, it's all a ******* act
While my mind struggles and bubbles with what's fiction or a fact
Jun 30 · 62
Friends
Mel Little Jun 30
The poet in my always wants to take apart everything

The shish in his pants as he slid them off and they hit my floor

How fur like, soft as thick, his inky hair was as I ran my fingers through it, caressing the scalp underneath gently with the tips

The beauty of the curves of the muscles in his back, how gorgeously proportioned every part of him is

The vibration of his laughter, the heaviness of his arms as he fell asleep wrapped around me

The way my heart squeezed when he woke up and cared gently for me

I haven't slept so well next to someone in so long

It all still hurts

So I see him, and we smile, and we both know
That this world existed between us
While everyone else speculates
And I pretend that
I don't have complicated feelings
And he pretends
He doesn't feel at all
And we pretend
We have only ever been friends
Jun 30 · 57
Domesticated
Mel Little Jun 30
I will probably always be
Just the tiniest bit feral

But part of feminism is the choice
And I would really like the choice
To just stay home

And clean a house and do a million hobbies
Stay close to my son, be able to take him to
AND pick him up from school.

Follow my dreams. Write like my life
And very income
Depends on it.

Write like no ones reading because I don't have to consider it
Life or death

I would like to scrub floors and toilets
Wear pretty clothes for a man
That truthfully loves me and doesn't
View me as property, but a proper
Partner

I just want to stay safe
In my four walls
With my words
Mel Little Jun 29
The funniest thing is

You'd probably know that all these poems
Are about you

And you have the key to open them.

You would know me inside out
If you'd ever turn the key
Jun 29 · 61
aN unJust pRoposal
Mel Little Jun 29
You wanna do something really lame

And fall in love

And succeed at everything

And stay home in our safe space

Where the worlds we discuss are enough muse

To keep me writing forever
Mel Little Jun 28
I know there is a world,
Somewhere in the timeline
Maybe not that far down the stack,
Where you and I are together.

And wouldn't it be beautiful,
A world where we could be ourselves
The secret weird people we can only be
Together, you and I are somewhere

Beautiful, serene, so safe from
Everyone, everywhere, all at once
The madness has always quieted
Whenever you and I are together

This is what I imagine in my
Wildest, most wishful dreams
Our success, the things we could make
If you and I were together
Jun 18 · 72
Unlovable
Mel Little Jun 18
I will probably always be a little ****** up

And unlovable

I didn't have good role models,
I learned love in the front seat of a truck
On back roads screaming to songs
That mirrored the beat of my heart against his

I learned love in toxic waste,
In hatred for myself
In anger for the world around me

I learned love in falsehoods
Drive by robbery
Bombs where poems should be

I learned love in the eyes of a child
Who never asked for any of this
Whose heart shatters the same way mine did
And I can't protect him either.

I learned love in protection
Building walls, building castles
I am not Rapunzel, my hair is not the key
Prince Charming does not exist

I'll probably always be a little ****** up

And unlovable.
Mel Little Jun 13
I have been locked inside, kept small for far too long, that any opportunity seems like the best one

So I grasp at straws, holding on like flotation devices, please just pull me back to shore

I can't breathe, underwater, unloved, a constant reminder
That maybe "good enough" is all I'll ever get

Second choice, second chance be ******

I can only do so much on my own
The growth doesn't matter when it's just centimeters
The achievements are nothing when the people who are proud of you are obligated

I don't want to just be an obligation

So throw me a bone,
I'll hold onto it like it's my last shot,
One last shot, one last try,
Please for the love of all the Gods,
This can't be all there is
Mel Little Jun 9
I may not be your forever

But I will haunt your dreams
I will be the thing that you find yourself
Going back to in your thoughts
The thing you ****** up
The thing you forgot was the most important
The thing you couldn't prioritize over yourself

I may not be your soulmate

But my soul shines so brilliantly, your life will be dark without me
I will continue to burn brilliantly while you flicker out
The thing that you realize you cannot live without
The eternal flame that kept your house and heart warm

I may not be the answer to your questions

But I was the solution to your problems, the builder, the caretaker, the mother, the life giver.

And it would do you well to remember.
Jun 6 · 77
Unparalleled Honesty
Mel Little Jun 6
I'm exhausted

Like, getting out of bed is something I regret
Like, my bones literally hurt along the edges of all of my joints and my back is on fire
Like, going to work fills me with a dread I can't even explain

I'm tired

Like, I didn't ******* ask to do this life alone
Like, I never wanted this life to begin with
Like, I sometimes want to just throw in the towel

And I'm ******* sad

All the time, always
I can't catch a break, no matter how much I work
I get so sick of watching people treat others like absolute ****
I get so upset when all that spews from people is hatred
Mel Little Jun 5
I want a happily ever after

I yearn for it, the missing piece to my
Entirely complex life puzzle

And every single time I think I may have found it
I'm wrong

I just want to be right for once
Jun 4 · 62
Soulfire
Mel Little Jun 4
I have never had it in myself to go gracefully
Or with peace
Or dignity

In fact, I set the world ablaze behind me
Scream obscenities into the sky
Curse the hearts of those
That dare cross me

If you'd just take a peek inside my soul
You may never be able to look away
Beautiful and dangerous
It's all flame
From burning the bridges
That unmade me
May 29 · 59
No, but seriously
Mel Little May 29
I'll **** this up.

I'll say the wrong thing. I'll make the wrong comment. I'll wear the wrong thing. I'll make the wrong silly face at exactly the wrong time.

I get annoying. The quirks aren't so fun when they're really my personality. The weird isn't so cute when it bursts out of the seams of my existence.

I'll inevitably **** you off. It's not that I'll try. It's that the brain to mouth filter needs replaced at best, is absolutely irreparably broken in truth. It's that social cues aren't my forte. It's that I see the world through a lens that it's hard for others to share.

And yet, I'll battle against the self doubt every day. And yet, I have hope that I'm wrong. And yet, I believe I can still be loved.
May 20 · 232
My fault
Mel Little May 20
I am tornado
Hurricane
Cyclone
Spiraling out of control

I never stopped to consider the collateral damage.
May 20 · 70
Implode
Mel Little May 20
I've made a good mess of my life.

Lost everyone that had just started to matter
By being me.

This is why I never leave my house.
May 19 · 66
It's probably dumb
Mel Little May 19
I still dream of a white dress
And have the color scheme in mind
I'm not a wearer of heels, anyway
So barefoot amongst the grass I'll go

I know who I'd want there,
Watching me take this second
Go.
A second chance.

I still believe I can do this
The right way
The way I deserve
I still believe that someday I may have
A happily ever after
May 18 · 70
NJR (revisited)
Mel Little May 18
I probably should have healed
The part of me that is wild
Before I touched you.

The problem is, I believe that love can exist
In duality
To who we are as people.

I'll never send you this ******* poem, for instance,
But I wish you'd read it all the same.

I never meant to hurt anyone on my constant downward spiral, least of all you.
Least of all, you.

Maybe someday it can be different.
Probably not, I'm really good at ruining **** for myself.
But maybe.
May 18 · 68
When
Mel Little May 18
You didn't call yesterday,
And you won't call this weekend
Because you're in her house all shacked up and cozy
Beating off to the god complex in your own head.

I hate you as much as I love you,
And it hurts too much to keep it in existence
Outside of this URL.

You know I'm the only person that you can even tell half the truth of the psychosis to. But in the end,
You can't love me like I need.
And we both need to be honest about this trainwreck before it comes off the rails.
May 16 · 66
It's Not You, It's Me
Mel Little May 16
It's always them
And it's never me

It's never me

What's it like to actually be chosen
What's it like to really be loved
May 15 · 55
The Truth
Mel Little May 15
I've been chasing the feeling of being alive for longer than I can remember being happy

And there are moments, of course, where I glimpse it,
Where the monotony of life doesn't drag me under in its endless depths
But it seems so fleeting lately, that it's hard to remember.

And I know, I know, I put all of this energy in seeking it in all the wrong places. I should probably got get on a ******* roller coaster or something,
Instead of riding...
This ******* downhill battle

But the funny thing is, I do love and value myself. It's not that I don't. It's not that I don't know my own worth.

It's just that the two sides of me are a double edged sword. And I'm always ******* myself up in the end,
It's just too sharp.

I say too much, I try too hard. I'm a ******* mess. And I probably always will be. I don't know how to put the mask back on anymore.
May 15 · 59
4Am
Mel Little May 15
4Am
You keep telling me to call it
"Say when"
But it's 4am and I'm still imagining
You trailing kisses up my thighs
Because you put the image there to begin with

I guess we've flipped roles.
You used to be the lion,
And I used to be the lamb
But I'd consume you before
I let this die

I'm not strong enough to call it.
You already know that.
May 15 · 56
Fourth Wall
Mel Little May 15
Part of me wants it to **** you
That someone else's head was between my legs
That someone else's name was on my lips
That my fingers tangled in someone else's hair

Part of me craves that little spike of jealousy
Because of what it means otherwise.
Mel Little May 14
It would really be something,
If these love letters
Became the start
Of everything
Real
May 14 · 142
IRL
Mel Little May 14
IRL
You sounded like a little kid
When I was telling you to
Figure it out

Because it hurts you to be doing this
As much as it hurts me.

It's alright, if you want to let go.
All good things must end,
Right?

It's still always going to feel like a
Breakup
May 14 · 39
Justin Time
Mel Little May 14
A rose by any other name, right?
That's what Shakespeare said, anyway,
In that one really epic story
About toxic love and how
Both people just die at the end
Anyway

Of course you're hurting my feelings.
You know you are.
It's the asking that makes it worse.
Because we both know it will never
Be a thing
And I have always wanted it to
Far more than you.
Because there's something just *******,
I dunno,
Romantic about the idea, isn't there?
Dropping everything and starting over
With someone that knows exactly the mess
You really are?

It's why I fall in love so often,
Dear one. It's why I try so hard.
I'm constantly chasing the feeling
That I know I can't get
Anywhere else
But here.

It's why when you're suddenly around when
My life is going to shambles, I blindly
Grasp at this last straw of creativity
Because this is where I find
My soul

But I don't want to break her heart.
And you don't belong to me.
And you never will.
We both know it.

But it still hurts just the same,
Doesn't it?
Whether it's real or just a facade
May 14 · 48
Empty
Mel Little May 14
I told you before, I'd shut it all down
Because it's better to not feel anything at all
Than constantly be hurt.
May 14 · 41
NJR
Mel Little May 14
NJR
I selfishly hope that when you look up and see how not okay I really am,
while I'm pretending to be for your sake,
It rips your heart apart.
May 13 · 123
Asking for a Friend
Mel Little May 13
What's the difference between
Helping people heal
And
Letting them hurt you

I haven't figured it out yet.
May 13 · 67
Devotion and Desire
Mel Little May 13
"You'd be my first pick."
Man I'm always dumb enough to fall for the lines,
The ways their eyes crinkle when they smile,
The lustful flirtations that fuel the very deepest broken part of me.
          I just desperately need to be wanted
I guess I should know better by now,
as many times as I've spun this wheel,
That it's always more of the same stupid games that never make sense.
          I don't think I've ever really been worthy of love
I should have figured you out from the rip, I'm so good at boys like you,
The ones that don't know how good they are because they wear their brokenness like an impenetrable armor,
I'm so good at loving you
          I don't know why I'm still just not good enough
"What've I said about degrading yourself with words?"
May 13 · 44
Security Blanket
Mel Little May 13
I'm the safe option, it's why you want me.
Because I'm the option you don't have to invest in, or change for,
The option that's easy because it's the one that can't be real.

You want me because I cannot leash you, I cannot go through your phone, I cannot tell you what you should or should not do. I can only hold midnight vigil and revelry for the darkest parts of your soul.

You want me because you always have, maybe a little, impression on a different version of you, 23 was a little easier.

But none of this will ever be all of it. None of it will ever encompass the entire truth. None of it stops the pull that never made sense anyway.

But it doesn't matter. We both know 400 miles is a gap we won't bridge. We both know at the end of the night, we're still going to be lonely.

But if it helps you sleep, the knowledge I'd burn it down for a chance to fill myself up with you? Take it, take me and empty yourself into me.
May 13 · 56
Shadow
Mel Little May 13
The tendrils creep up slowly
Icy cold wraps up smooth thighs first
Sinking into the pit of my stomach
The dregs of anxiety unwavering

"You'll always be alone."

Don't I know it? I tell myself,
Fighting off the fear again and again
The clutching cold at my throat
Vines of breathlessness encroaching
On my ability to live
This ******* rock on my chest has to let up

"You'll never be good enough."

I know that too, that's why
I continue to fight, continue to learn
Continue to make mistakes and repeat
Them just in case.

I ******* know. I know my faults. I know my hangups. I know.
May 12 · 61
Repetitive (10w)
Mel Little May 12
The truth just is:

Happy people make **** poor poets.
May 11 · 57
Nights like Those
Mel Little May 11
How strange, bitten lips between old friends
A juxtaposition from the reality that was

How intriguing, something familiar
Yet entirely different from what we could ever be

How worrying, the truth of it
The people we know will never see this coming from us

How delightful, the strange newness here
I only hope that this doesn't end with us lost at sea
May 11 · 67
White Horse
Mel Little May 11
Maybe you do not realize,
That I wish nothing more than to
Break down all your walls
Rip through the bricks you have around your heart
And hold you until you feel safe again.

Maybe you do not realize
that I am not the damsel in distress
I am the knight, riding in on a white horse to kick *** and take names
Ideally yours at the end of the journey

Maybe you do not realize
That for everyone that's hurt you,
I've been hurt too.
I know the shield you're carrying.
I want you to know you can put it down.

Maybe you do not realize
All I wanted out of this
Was you.
May 10 · 44
Take me to Church
Mel Little May 10
I genuinely didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but don't disrespect me or degrade me and think there are no repercussions to your ego or livelihood,
That is not the way this goes.

You may not have realized, but though I go through Demon phases, I am a living, breathing Goddess that you will either worship or fear.
Whichever seems more to your liking.
May 10 · 67
Self Destruct
Mel Little May 10
Don't dwell so hard, dear one.
I won't actually off myself if you disappear.
It is what it is.
I'm just a ****** being in need of release
Don't let me ruin you
May 8 · 51
Smirk
Mel Little May 8
You know what you should do? You should bite the bullet

And send me that text.

And depending on the honest answer to the question "are you seeing anyone seriously?"

I might spin the chamber

And send nudes.
May 6 · 50
Just kill me already
Mel Little May 6
No one ever sees when my soul is cutting its own tether to this earth.

No one ever notices when my eyes fixate far into the abyss.

No one ever holds me when I'm ripping myself apart to shreds.

But everyone will show up at my funeral telling everyone how they never knew I felt that way.

All anyone had to do was open their eyes.
May 4 · 58
Crushed
Mel Little May 4
Sometimes I wonder if any of them would care if I disappeared,
Those that wrapped their hands around my throat and called me by the name
"Mine"

I wonder if they realize that in healing parts of me, they damaged others,
Those that whispered the sweetest words in my ear then ran away quickly
"I love you"

I wonder if in this conundrum of ups and downs, lefts and rights, they know
That I'm beyond all help, staring into the worthlessness of everything I've done
"I want you"

I wonder if I can ever belong to anyone again
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