I'm exhausted

Like, getting out of bed is something I regret
Like, my bones literally hurt along the edges of all of my joints and my back is on fire
Like, going to work fills me with a dread I can't even explain

I'm tired

Like, I didn't ******* ask to do this life alone
Like, I never wanted this life to begin with
Like, I sometimes want to just throw in the towel

And I'm ******* sad

All the time, always
I can't catch a break, no matter how much I work
I get so sick of watching people treat others like absolute ****
I get so upset when all that spews from people is hatred

I'll **** this up.

I'll say the wrong thing. I'll make the wrong comment. I'll wear the wrong thing. I'll make the wrong silly face at exactly the wrong time.

I get annoying. The quirks aren't so fun when they're really my personality. The weird isn't so cute when it bursts out of the seams of my existence.

I'll inevitably **** you off. It's not that I'll try. It's that the brain to mouth filter needs replaced at best, is absolutely irreparably broken in truth. It's that social cues aren't my forte. It's that I see the world through a lens that it's hard for others to share.

And yet, I'll battle against the self doubt every day. And yet, I have hope that I'm wrong. And yet, I believe I can still be loved.

I am tornado
Hurricane
Cyclone
Spiraling out of control

I never stopped to consider the collateral damage.

I've made a good mess of my life.

Lost everyone that had just started to matter
By being me.

This is why I never leave my house.

I still dream of a white dress
And have the color scheme in mind
I'm not a wearer of heels, anyway
So barefoot amongst the grass I'll go

I know who I'd want there,
Watching me take this second
Go.
A second chance.

I still believe I can do this
The right way
The way I deserve
I still believe that someday I may have
A happily ever after