You know what you should do? You should bite the bullet

And send me that text.

And depending on the honest answer to the question "are you seeing anyone seriously?"

I might spin the chamber

And send nudes.

No one ever sees when my soul is cutting its own tether to this earth.

No one ever notices when my eyes fixate far into the abyss.

No one ever holds me when I'm ripping myself apart to shreds.

But everyone will show up at my funeral telling everyone how they never knew I felt that way.

All anyone had to do was open their eyes.

Sometimes I wonder if any of them would care if I disappeared,
Those that wrapped their hands around my throat and called me by the name
"Mine"

I wonder if they realize that in healing parts of me, they damaged others,
Those that whispered the sweetest words in my ear then ran away quickly
"I love you"

I wonder if in this conundrum of ups and downs, lefts and rights, they know
That I'm beyond all help, staring into the worthlessness of everything I've done
"I want you"

I wonder if I can ever belong to anyone again

How do you say you're screaming internally when no one else seems to see that you're drowning?

How do you keep trying, trying to do the right thing, to follow the rules, to keep life fair,
keep watching, watching as everyone that cheats and lies gets everything while you still have
Nothing

How do you keep giving away your heart, over and over, smiling at strangers, held together with bandaids over gaping wounds, holding onto coping mechanisms like internalizing everything

How can you say you're burning, burning from the inside, your chest is too tight and your brain is too wound, and you're not sleeping again and it definitely shows...

How can you keep going, going, Energizer bunny this **** because you have to, you have a mouth to feed that isn't yours and you can't give up

But how can you fight for your life when it keeps kicking you back down?

I miss my dog.

I definitely don't miss you. Or your ******* or your lies.

I miss the stability of keeping my life together in a familiar hell.

I definitely don't miss you, or the Tinder account you tried to lie about, or the friends you let disrespect me to my face in front of our son.

I miss knowing exactly what my day was going to be, even in monotony.

I don't miss you, or being screamed at, or being told I'm not desirable because I wear yoga pants to clean the house.

I miss having more free time.

I don't miss you, or being bullied for my hair color, or sleeping alone in a bedroom meant for two while you found solace in someone else's bed.

I miss what you could have been, but I don't miss you.

To the random man in my inbox

The ex that won't leave me the **** alone

And the dude I've very blatantly told no so many times it's not even funny:

My soul is somewhere on Scorpius, waiting patiently to be reborn.

Try again in a few lifetimes.

You ooze that good boy persona just a little too well,
And people whisper about how I am defiling you
But the pressure of your hand at the small of my back
Is enough to remind me that I really don't care.

And maybe I don't know if this will last two weeks
Two months
Or two years
Or maybe two lifetimes

The most selfish part of me hopes I never have to find out

And I'm still trying to keep ahold of my feelings,
          I'm better in writing, anyway
And just when I think I'm going to squelch it
          I'm better at writing, anyway
You stretch and just a strip of your skin shows,
Leaving me lost in the thought of your hips against mine, your lips against mine

          God, I'm awful at goodbyes

And you wonder why you're a distraction