You don’t know

That I trace

Three words

On your back

In every language that I know

So that it sinks into your skin,

So that your soul knows before your ears ever do

I thought I was goddess

Worshipped, desired, wanted

Beautiful, powerful, divine

I was reminded again that I
Will never be
Anything

I am so sick of men
ruining
Love and lust
Promising
Devotion and Desire
Giving
******* and lies

There’s a you sized hole in my chest right now
That’s reminiscent of hopes and dreams
And the taste of chocolate chips and salty flesh
And guilt and desire

And I wonder why I always expect this to hurt less.

It is Friday night and the only ***** getting licked is Loki, the orange tabby at the end of my bed.

I’ve gotten used to the monotony of sleepwalking through life, graveyard shift be ******

Every time I reach for a flicker of something of anything
All I get is burned

So I trudge and ignore the glances and find my chargers and cry in the shower.
So I blister and bruise and bend and break time and time again
Just to be wrong
Just to always be wrong

“It’s Valentine’s Day, that’s why we don’t have school.”

“Nobody actually gives a **** that it’s Valentine’s Day, kid. I love you, but it’s not a real holiday.”

I used to write love letters. Now I don’t write at all.

Is this another lesson?

How to rip my insecurities open one by one
Dig into the wounds and twist the knife
Examine just how much I squirm under
Scrutiny

I thought this would be healing.

Finally, a cure to a problem I never caused,
The answer to a question I forgot I even asked
The years of searching for a reason nullified
Real

And instead

I’m questioning reality, if I learned anything
At all