I don't trust myself
when I promise I'm fine
I don't believe I could ever let go of you.
I will never stop thinking
appraising possibilities in my mind
about what would have happened
if only I ... never kissed you
is it true that you would have wanted me more?
maybe if I were an expert
at some love mind game
we would be sitting by each other
instead of me lying by myself
writing this attempt of a letter
which by the way you will never read.
I don't trust myself
when my mind is filled with hopes
and in my dreams I breathe you in.
I don't trust myself
when you are nearby
because I'm afraid I might reveal
those angry, desperate feelings
that make you run away.
I don't trust myself
when I've had too much to drink
because I always blurt out this mess of a mind
and I'm always on the verge of either slapping you in the face or...
trying to kiss you.
I don't trust myself
when I'm around you
but it's all because of you.
You manipulate me with your words
but you make me fall in love with your eyes
when you look at me across the room.
I don't trust you
because everything you do or don't
makes me believe in a yes
but it always transforms to a never.
I don't trust myself
because every time I try to move on
you come around and clutter everything up.

You are scared
and this frightens me.
It makes me think that these excuses
are just a temporary way
to tell me no, I don't want you.
I mean, when you share your fears with me
about not knowing what will happen,
I get scared with you.
Just because everything you do,
everything you like and say,
I will do, like and say too.
So when you say it's complicated
when you say I don't understand your reasons to say no,
I will believe you
as you are the only credible being in my life.
I am now filled with fears
and they all came from your tongue, teeth and lips.
From your heart, from your guts.
I am frightened and so are you,
just one more thing we have in common.
But if tonight you pray for strength and courage,
I will pray for you too,
just so I can be brave with you.
But if you decide you don't want me,
this will not make me not want you,
that is not how it works.
I will forever want you, forever love you ...
even if nothing but fear runs through my veins.

last night you were on my dreams
just when I thought you were out of my mind
just when I began feeling sane once again.
you told me it was me all along
you told me your girlfriend was long gone
I was happy for the first time
I saw your face as something I could call mine
I felt your kiss on my lips
and it tasted better than last time
I closed my eyes and I savored
Sweet Certainty and Wine.
you were mine and I was yours
maybe forever, we'll never know.

I opened my eyes to a reality
just like the one we live in today
only to be assured you still have someone
that might never leave you (she would be smart if she didn't)
now I will never have what I once tasted
what I once swore was already mine
and I am stuck inside my imagination
wondering if you are truly happy (call me selfish but I wish you weren't)

I still **** all the false hope you fed me long ago
few drops left and I go on like it never ends
because it gives me life
as it reminds me of a Promise
and the souvenir you left me that night
And I wish you chose me
I am the one for you
And I wish I could let you go
because I know my memory has been replaced by many of her

As I write this rambling mess
and I vow to let it be my last
as I finally promise to let you be happy
I want to let you know
I fell in love with you
you let me go so fast
you broke my heart and ran to her
but I'll let you go at last
this I promise and I swear
but just until I remember you again
Maybe someday, but maybe someday is tomorrow.

I live in a perfect world
where you love me
and you would give anything for me.
I live in a world of playful sunsets
hands holding and butterflies fluttering
around you and me.
A place where you tell me
I am everything you could ever dream of
the girl you have prayed for
Everything you have ever wanted.
But this is a perfect, hypothetical world
that I could only dare to dream
and write poems about.
A place where you make your promises come to life
to make me happy.
But I guess I can have this world
if only to pretend
that things turn out the way you want them to be.

You spoke words so reassuring,
They would scare away any doubts
That attempted to overcome
The solid walls surrounding my soul.
You spoke with such sincerity
And a protective, careful heart,
That my natural defenses always scaring people away,
Could not fight it
Your voice,
How you held both my hands
As if defending them from anything other than yours.
You spoke with such clarity, a lucid certainty,
No word of yours has escaped my mind since that night
I believed everything. How stubborn of me.
I regained any hope that was lost
The last time I swore not to risk it again
For a chance at love.
You spoke the words that would fearlessly shatter every wall I’ve ever built
to fight this desire to feel your lips on mine.
The words you seem to have performed
The way only experienced actors can.
The words any girl would obey to
Once they felt them seductively grazing their lips.
The words that transformed my plain, guarded self
To a state of proud invincibility
Just by having them leaving your lips to be harbored in mine.
You said “don't be scared” and you showed me how
When you kissed me under the risky moonlight.
But I only wish you could
Still live up to these defiant words.
Don’t be scared.

I would rather be addicted
To much less poisonous stuff
Something along the lines of
Drugs or violence
But you, never you
I am never okay
With or without you

I am never satisfied
With a simple hello
And an ordinary stare
Will never be an acceptable fix
I cannot see you because
My soul will perpetually suffer
But my heart jumps frantically
At the soothing possibility
Of a once again

And I don’t know why
My body loses its balance
As this craving reaches the limit
And it will not be fulfilled
By the thought of you
And how things once were

I would rather erase
This bittersweet taste
This memory of a high
I used to experience
By being your only source
A source of life and power
By being the sole owner
Of a feeling of completion

I would rather fix myself
If only temporarily
But you keep dragging me
Back to your colorful trap
And so I am never okay
With you I am not fine
And without you
I am equally condemned
Because I need
Your most insignificant reaction
To walk through my day

I would rather not be tempted
By your poison
But you continue to lure me back in
There is no escape for me
Because I will never be okay
With or without you

Rain keeps pouring on my side
Water runs cold as ice
Still it cannot be mistaken
With the tears in your eyes

I see you staring back
Thinking something has gone wrong
I understand your confusion
I feel your pain but I wish you were strong

You keep trying to see through me
See the light at the end of this darkness
You cannot ignore me and my angst
Take one look at me, I’m harmless

I know it’s impossible to recognize me
Through those glassy eyes unknown
So just close them, look inside you
Open them now. We are home.

Do you see me now?
It may seem the end of the world delayed
But a new smile will appear tomorrow
The rain will stop and your tears will fade

Can you see me now?
I’m just you, looking from the blurry outside
Wishing we didn’t have to feel this way
Wishing I’d see the storm perish inside.