I want to walk with my shoulders back.
I want to sit up straight.
I want to talk when I have something to say.
I want to share my opinions.
I want to feel angry.
I want to scream.
I want to shout.


You told me I’m not good enough.
That I’m not worthy.
That it’s okay for me to be treated differently.
That my thoughts are wrong.
That my feelings are wrong.
That I should only speak when spoken to.
That my pain wasn’t real.
That I was a mistake.

**** that.
I've had enough.

I think you’ve left with a part of me.
Sometimes I think it’s a hole that will never be filled
No matter how tirelessly I try.
I wonder if the ache will ever stop.
Or maybe just pause.
In the dark, I beg it to.
There’s a loneliness in me that screams so loudly
Deafening to me, but silence to the rest.
They continue unaware.
I try to fix myself in the worst ways.
Maybe it works for a while
But then the edges come crashing down
And the mess comes.



Sometimes I think I’m addicted to the mess.