I want to be the pretty girl
The happy girl
The smart girl
The look-at-all-her-talent girl

But that's not the girl I am

I am clumsy with words,
But graceful on my feet.
I am clever,
But with only somethings and sometimes.
I am quiet,
But also loud.
(With all my thoughts shouting)

I am a walking contradiction.
And I can only hope that one day,
I will stumble into another contradiction.
And we will fill in the gaps,
Until we are whole.
And we can both be the pretty girl,
The happy girl,
The smart girl,
The look-at-all-that-talent girl...

There really is something magical
Something wonderful
Something powerful
About when the sweet little girl
Opens her mouth
And tell you to get your **** together.

I now know why I get invested in people.
People are interesting. Interesting in the ways they talk, the ways they step, the ways they carry their shoulders as others pass by. People are quirky. Quirky... but not explainable. We all grow up in the same ways, but with our own little twists that seem to twist us too. People are ordinary... but so very unique. You can generalize all you want, but you'll never be able to describe two people in the same way. Not accurately, at least.
I now know why I get invested in people.
Everything is my own little case study. In my brain that works like a psychologist and makes sense out of the abstract and the patterns of people... everyone is my own little case study. I don't take down data. I don't try to fix people. I don't choose who becomes a case study... because everyone does, and that's just the way my mind wraps itself around the world.
I want to understand people.

I've hit a wall
No..
I ran face first into it
With eyes wide open
Thinking I could make it move

Hello Ed
We meet again
With your dull brittle teeth
At my throat.
You coax me out
From hiding places
Just to smash me down.
You beat me
With words
And you drain me of life
All the while telling me to smile.
I just can't fight you off.
But with sword in hand
(In mine now
Not yours)
I win this battle once again
And come out better on the other side.

Hello Ed
We meet again
With your tongue of lies.
You sing to me sweet
With tricks of how to live
But I'm dying inside.
And can't you see
That this is a terrible way to be?
With a grip too tight
And claws too sharp
You latch onto my thighs
My hips
My mind.
But with sword in hand
I win this battle once again
And come out better on the other side.

Hello Ed
We meet again
But I cannot put up a fight.
I lay down my sword
And I lay down to die.
You shrunk me
To merely skin and bone
With thoughts not even mine.
An abusive relationship
With myself
That could only end so many ways.
You win.
And I can come out
          dead
on the other side.