Things that don't make sense any more
Seem to enter and exit through the same door.
I try to reach the **** to turn
Only to find there are things you never want to learn...

Things that don't make sense any more
Are coming at me from all sides.
With no shields and no sword
I'm left screaming with no one to hear my cries.

These things relay themselves in over lapping disharmony.
The rules are curving and bending -
What once was set in stone is now molding like clay
And I can't tell what impressions my actions and words are sending.

I'm lost in these things that make no sense,
Drowning like an insect stuck in the slow sap.
But I'm not sure if this will turn to Amber or
It will be my ruin.

Broken,
I'm so broken...
I'm terrified and locked inside.
You beckon me out from the
Window tightly shut,
Begging to God I'm still alive.

But some times I wish I wasn't,
That way the pain would numb.
My hearts so broken
So easy to steal, but harder to heal.
How many times those men called me Dumb.

Broken,
I'm so broken,
I'm scared to climb the stairs.
There's one or two missing
Steps you see, scattered through
Out the rest. And I'm so off balanced
I fear I'll fall, harder to the floor...
My poorly beating heart ever weaker

Why can't He just love me,
The way that I love him?
Why can't He just see me,
The way that I see him?

I pray one day He'll understand,
That I'm not as strong as I seem;
So that on that day he'll finally see,
Its of my heart no longer broken,
I long for him to know,
That when my hearts no longer broken...
I will once again be free to dream.

Some times I wonder if I can write without having something to inspire, as stupid as that sounds. You can write…but then there are times when you can WRITE and the world bows at the beauty of the language you compose. You sit and type for hours and hours on a reseeded brain where you wait out the little moments of your inner mind and place them on paper so meticulously that they seem like they belonged there. ***** secrets, inner dreams…many things that could never float to the surface are stirred in a little *** until they pop up at the tip of your typing fingers. You sit and think about nothing and get so much melodic forms that its incredible. Other times you find your heart lies in the strangest of places, or that your eyes see the weirdest things, or your sleep hides in the funniest of hiding spots. But like before you can’t write like this without inspiration – my inspiration tonight is the strange feeling that seems to turn my cheeks to flame. Or the strange fuzzy sensation in my stomach that seems to cause my cheeks to flush. It’s not as painful as it used to be, the gnawing agony of a heart being torn…not even close. It’s just the simple flutter that just makes a pleasant tickle to remind me it’s there. What I would give to have had this years before, how much I would have saved me – pain, crying, heart ache and humiliation. But this feeling is liberating, like alcohol, and my tongue seems to have a mind of its own as well as my fingers. The things I say under such tickling emotions is strange to me. I talk of hugs and embraces, possible touches and **** should I dare say a brush of a lip? God this curse never ends? But do I want it to? The only fear is of writing to much, talking to loud.  Fear of rejection can only wound so deep…it’s the fear of not really being wanted that gets you the most…but the tickling feeling helps you forget about that fear..if only for a moment.
If only I could write like this forever…instead of in the middle of the night, sleepless , half on my way to falling head over heels to much?

"It's getting so hard to even breathe, when every word is my enemy. I try and I try but I just can't get to that imaginary throne where you seem to sit. I just want a kind word, I want a soft face...Can't we just Hug and get this over with?

It's getting so hard to even stand, when every word is a new command. I try to do all you wish of me but I'm dying and I can't complete each quest you see. I just want to be happy, I want to be loved...Can't we just apologize and go back?

It's getting so hard to even sing, when the emotion is pushing every string. I let our each note as careful as I can, but you crush them with your furious hands. I just want to continue I want to be heard...Can't you just let go and let me be Me?"

I see you, and my heart skips. I don't know why and it makes no sense. All I know is I simply can't breathe without you around. I know I hurt you...I don't want to...I pray to God that I could stop. I love you, I really do...I don't mean to do this to you. I can see your pain, it kills me inside. But what hurts more? Whats hurts more is that I must pretend that I am oblivious to what I'm doing. I know I say the wrong things, but by the time i realize it's too late...I've hurt you so much and I thought of leaving you be, to keeping away to save you from my foolish daggers.
But every time I try to keep my distance, I find myself drawn to you and brought to you by some force I can not fight.

But sometimes I never know what to think. You speak of a god you worship and love him as if he were real...And I can't help but be jealous of this phantom you chose. Just speaking of how perfect he is, and how you have history with this fictional character makes me rage. How can I compete with a reflection of your heart? He is EVERYTHING you want. And the more you talk of him, he is EVERYTHING I'm not. So I once again return to who once was mine, simply to try to keep away from you. I didn't know how much it would hurt you, you hid your pain so well.

Too Well. And God now I can see you change right before my eyes.

What I used to jest of to make you laugh now seems to push a dagger and twist  it in your heart. What you used to tolerate you now despise, and I don't  know you any  more. I wonder briefly if I EVER did...but then I have to remind myself that what happened to you was my fault. Now I can't relearn you, can't rediscover your beauty...For you won't let me. I don't have the privilege too anymore. Especially while 'tied' to another. A new life is coming for me, both figuratively and literally and I'm confused and lost. I don't know what to do - I can't see whats going on any more and where my path is.

But when I stop to think, I guess it no longer matters.

Because I love you.
And now I foolishly didn't Lose you...

I let you go.

Days drawing to a close, again
No more thought, no more.
Sit and wonder how much you
Could possibly lose if you take
The path you didn't truly chose.

What would happen if you
Followed something other than your heart?
What would happen if you lied to yourself?
What would happen if you became
The very thing you wanted to destroy?

Days draw to a close and you're left wondering,
What exactly are you trying to find out?
What have you decided to become,
What have you chosen to be?
A monster or a relief?

Who would you be to yourself if you changed?
Or are you some one you were all along?
Days draw to a close and you still can't tell...
If this new persona is from heaven...
Or if its a gift from hell...

The world we live in

No-
Can mean so much for just two letters

Yes-
Can mean absolutely nothing

Love-
Can be happy, it can be painful

Thank you for coming-
Means go away

Darkness-
It can hide you, but it also reveals your deepest secrets

I don’t hate you-
Means just shut up and leave me alone

Friendship-
Is an illusion created to be shattered?

Truth-
Is a fantasy

Dreams-
Never come true

Nothing –
What you get instead of what you want

Never-
Is the answer to all your questions?


In a world where what we say is in reverse…

Why am I still worthless?

You're in trouble,
Admit it sir.
I am here to help-
So let me in.
Don't worry about me,
I will be fine...
As long as you're better.

I honestly get sicker,
and sicker each day
Just knowing that you're
Feeling ill and uneasy;
So vent, let it go,
Tell me until you're
No longer queazy.

I want you happy,
Just understand-
Give me some thing,
Anything to do.
And I'll lift the burden,
Easily, just for you.

Call me your cross,
For I love you too much.
You're my Best friend,
And I'll sacrifice my heart
Just to be sure you
Feel right again.

I don't know what you expect.
Not sure if you have a plan,
but you just came back into the act
as if you never left

as if you never skipped a beat

You sit there with your smiles
your charms all wild and free
as if you think you could steal me back.
as if you never lost

as if you never skipped a beat

What makes you think you're so free?
Why must you act so coy and charming
as if you think you're the greatest of them all
as if you're perfect

as if you never skipped a beat

Well guess what, you're not,
You're just the past trying to break free
I'm finally happy with who I am
I'm finally happy with my prince

because you have no beat

You were everything I thought I wanted.
Owner of my heart, holder of the key.
But as I look deeper, I see that you are not
all I thought you were to me.

For if you are all I ever wanted, all I needed,
plainly you would love me back.

Now so far apart, you pretend I don't exist.
You promise me silly promises you can't keep,
You make me feel better if only for that moment
only to take that feeling away just seconds away
with one of your foolish comments that rips my
heart to shreds.

You're not what I wanted any more,
you're what I wish you weren't.
We used to be friends, then something happened
to end this relationship I thought we had.
Whether it be time, fate, how we felt about each other,
whether you hated me, acted around me as if you didn't care.

And now I've left you behind.
What ever I thought we had is gone,
so nothing holds me to you any more.
No more broken promises you didn't mean to say,
foolish day dreams that would never come true,

Just now I am thinking about how you would react
when you read my Blockbuster years from now...

and read about what I had hoped happened,
what I wished happened, and what really happened.

You're the final heartache.

I sing a song for you

Can you hear me sir?
Those whom have held my heart?
I feel so transparent, using music
As a form to reach you.
Yet not even you, my love, hears.

‘Jy’, When I Look At You
I am plagued with someone who
Doesn’t exist, someone who was
Meant and belonged only for me…

‘O’, you’re my StoryBook lover,
I long to hold you the way
I hold you in my dreams,
By why must real lovers only
Last as long as your longest dream?

‘A’, we were so close,
But that was Once Upon a Dream
And wont return again. What we
Had was temporary, a gift of Gods,
It wasn’t true, it wasn’t real,
It was just a passing dream.

'M’,  you were my angel
Let Me Be Your Wings seemed
So easy for you, yet you were not mine
Not meant for me, I’m still grateful you gave
Me wings to fly…

Grandpa where did you go?
Please come back you me!
I’m Wishing You Were Somehow
Here Again but I know it will never be.
You were my true angel, watching over me
I look for you now, Flying like an Eagle…

‘J’, why must you hurt me?
Please Don’t Make Me Love You!
I can’t handle the pain of loving you
Not again, never again. You hurt me so
Much, yet you don’t seem to care.
You’re just a passing memory to me.

Longing to find you my love,
I look into all of them, deeply
In His Yes I search for you till you
Find me and grab me and save me.
I need someone to heal my heart,
How broken it is and needs to be mended…

‘C’ , if only you could see…
It’s Only Love don’t run from it.
I know you’ve been in pain before,
But so have I, and we can heal each other
So  afraid am I, terrified of not being what you want.
Its only my love…

You don't understand what makes me so upset. You honestly seem to think that nothing's wrong. When have I ever, and I mean EVER, gave you a short answer to anything?

You are simply blind.

Best friend? Best friend!? Can you ******* hear me now? I'm screaming out in silence until you hear a sound - and you don't figure that there's anything wrong.
'How are you?' you ask 'Been K' i answer. WHEN HAVE I EVER ANSWERED LIKE THAT? Cant you see there's something wrong? Why wont you ask? Why don't you care to know?

You are simply blind.

I know you have a child, I know you think you're busy. But even if I had a child, even if I was busy out of my mind - I would make time for those who are important to me. I might not try to keep in touch with my mom and dad, but if you mean that much to me I will do everything I can to get in touch.

You are either simply blind.
Or you don't give a ****.

Don't you wish you knew?
This secret that I told only so few?
This ring? What it symbolizes?
Don't you wish you knew?

Sometimes I look up at the stars,
wondering what I done right;
even after pain, loss, rejection...
all I have to do is take a deep breath, look down,
then I see this ring and I can smile again.

Such an angel, this man I speak of,
but not just any man,
He watches over me, protects me,
cares for me, loves me.
I wish you knew how it feels to be
protected and watched and loved like that.

I can be myself, and he loves me.
I can look like a slob, and he loves me.
I can say I hate him if he makes me mad, and he loves me.
He would put himself in danger to keep me from harm,
even if it means keeping us apart.

Now I’m down here, gazing up at the stars,
I can see his eyes gazing down at me, just almost,
and he tells me it’s almost time.

I wish you knew how it feels,
to know that times coming up,
that weight on your shoulders would be lifted
soon enough, and your heart captured.

I wish you knew how it feels, this secret,
this lover being so close it makes your heart beat faster.
I sleep and he is there, lying beside me.
He gives me this ring, leads me to it,
he's coming soon, I know it.

After such horror I finally see him,
he's alright, he's ok, he's still mine.
He's alive and trying to find me.
I wish you knew how it feels.

Oh don’t you wish you knew?
This cloud I seem to float on?
When I seem lost in the moment,
who I’m thinking of?
I think of him standing there before me
loving the sight of me, and taking me in his arms
and never letting go,
for he knows that I’ll be his, and forever and always was.


So many guys down here, so many seem to reflect him,
it gets hard to tell the difference sometimes.
Hearts leap, but it’s not him. I'm waiting for him, and he's
coming...

I wish you knew how this feels,
Don’t' you wish you knew?

When you Love some one so much
you're willing to give even
your own feelings up to make sure
they are happy...
And that there is no other
substitute for the brilliance
of their smile, the feel
of their arms in a hug, and the light
of their eyes, you know you're
knocked out in the corner.
You're lost Rocky...

And When you Love some one
that much, and you can't be with
them not for lack of trying
nor lack of emotion, but for the written
way of the world, how is one to survive
the ache? The hurt of knowing that they
'just might' be with you 'if things were different'
and if Life was 'just a little easier'...or that
'its not how its supposed to be' or even simpler,
'Its more complicated then that...'

Well I Love you that much, so sorry
to burst your bubble. And I am sad
enough to be fine and ok with being yours
secretly, if you admit to being mine even
if only for an hour. Your lips against mine,
your hands on my skin, your eyes looking upon
my body and my soul as if its a diamond.

I Love you so much that I am here,
willingly offering you myself as a sacrifice if only
for the feelings it brings me - Knowing it makes
you feel better as well brings enough comfort.
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine, just
kiss, touch, talk, be... I'm yours
And I always will be.

Heaven Help us, Lord be willing
We only have till morning then we lose this chance.
When I wake up, you will be gone
We only have so long just to make us.

Very soon you will forget, all the love we had.
And very soon I will forget you existed.

Heaven help us, we’re too broken.
How can we find love when we’re so cautious?
Afraid to be hurt and to bleed,
Putting up the shields just to save us.

If only we could really be.
If only we could have the chance that they all have.
But the sun rises and we are pulled apart.
Night time seems to be the only time for us.
The only time for us…to be together.

Too bad, I love you so much.
Too bad I need you like the air I breathe.
I f only we could be together just for this moment,
We might have a fighting chance.

Heaven help us, I don’t understand.
How we are so close, and yet so far apart.
When you say forever – Then take my hand
How can you break it, then come crawling back?

Can’t you see the pain in my eyes?
How much it’s killing me,
Living in fantasy – just to keep you
And time is flying by, and I will lose you.

Heaven help us, I’m too tired.
I love you more than any one could say,
And yet here I can’t keep fighting,
For something that will only go away.

Can’t you hear my crying out –
In the pouring rain?
Every day it’s all the same…
A sad sad symphony.

Are you not afraid of losing me?
Don’t you love me back?
I’m falling but will you catch me?
I should just walk away –

Too bad, I love you so much.
Too bad I need you like the air I breathe.
I f only we could be together just for this moment,
We might have a fighting chance.

I love you so much it hurts,
But I am on the edge
Spinning round in circles – I can’t fight for this.

Heaven help us, God be willing,
We only have till morning just to make us.

Looking up at you, I wonder where it all gone.
Thought you loved me too but sooner or later it all came around
I long to see your face again, long to hear your voice;
How can you blame me, you’re enchanting – there’s no choice.

I want to take you in my arms, feel your heat, your skin.
You kiss my neck and love me the way you did back then.
Lay me in the darkness, keep me from the cold.
Love me the way you did back then.

Unless you don’t love me anymore, don’t tell me, don’t tell me
You don’t love me anymore, don’t tell me, don’t tell me.

I look up to you, long for you, yet you don’t come round.
Feel for you, breathe of you, need you right now.
I feel your fingers in my hair, your skin hot on mine.
We toss in blankets, laugh and chime, love is all we find.

Remember how it used to be, every night was a new mystery
We rediscovered each other, underneath the covers.
Love is all we had there, we were everything we needed.
But one day soon you’d find, you’re tired after the climb.

Unless you don’t love me anymore, don’t tell me, don’t tell me
You don’t love me anymore, don’t tell me, don’t tell me.
I’m making a fool of myself, reaching out and singing to you
Out in the middle of the night, cold and freezing in the dark.
The wind chills, the moon hides, why do you stay away?
How can you love me, when you’re so far away?

Unless you don’t love me, not any more.
Please don’t say you don’t love me,
Please don’t open that door.
I don’t think I could get over you, don’t  think I could survive.

For so long you’ve been my world, for so long you’ve been my life
I need you, feel you breathe you in my every vein.
Keep me in your arms, please keep on loving me…

Lost.
What does that mean any more?
Lost in the moment?
Lost in the tide?
Lost in the whirlwind?
Lost in my pride?

I'm lost in the Love I thought had died
And now I can't help

My dear love, look what you've done to me,

I pray you will return my love you see..



My songs i sing out loud and clear,

songs heard by everyone far and near.



And yet my heart isn't there,

my tree of song is somehow bare.



My love your wind did tear my leaves

and now I'm felled its true.



For you see....

I gave my songs here to the rest,

My self I gave to you.