You were everything I thought I wanted.
Owner of my heart, holder of the key.
But as I look deeper, I see that you are not
all I thought you were to me.

For if you are all I ever wanted, all I needed,
plainly you would love me back.

Now so far apart, you pretend I don't exist.
You promise me silly promises you can't keep,
You make me feel better if only for that moment
only to take that feeling away just seconds away
with one of your foolish comments that rips my
heart to shreds.

You're not what I wanted any more,
you're what I wish you weren't.
We used to be friends, then something happened
to end this relationship I thought we had.
Whether it be time, fate, how we felt about each other,
whether you hated me, acted around me as if you didn't care.

And now I've left you behind.
What ever I thought we had is gone,
so nothing holds me to you any more.
No more broken promises you didn't mean to say,
foolish day dreams that would never come true,

Just now I am thinking about how you would react
when you read my Blockbuster years from now...

and read about what I had hoped happened,
what I wished happened, and what really happened.

You're the final heartache.

"Life goes on around you and you avoid it as best you can."
I'll sit in the stairway and wonder…why me? I am used to being invisible, and then suddenly you see me? It's a strange thing to get used to, speaking with a human, I'm no good at all.
Claps are heard in the distance, electric hum creates an invisible song; I like this stairway, it is my one sanctuary.
But then the bell rings, and life continues to turn, the macabre merry go round that eats the soul of its rider. I am alone in my stair well, until you arrive and take me to a life I can't live. Happy is a verb I'll never really know and for some reason, that is all these humans see in me…they are so blind.
I know you can't see the real you, and me try to hide that fact. But can any human truly see? My hair will be chocolate brown and down by back, my eyes are Grey and blue, I wear all black and my skin is so pale that it is gloved from elbow to fingers.
In truth I am a goddess fallen to earth, believe what you may, I wont care.
But thank you for talking to me any way.

Phantom of Your Heart
I am the presence that surrounds you,
That dark phantom in the night.
I am that shadow that sits by your bedside,
And catches the nightmares and monsters that disturb your sleep.
I am the phantom that watches you sleep
And kisses your face and longs for you to love me.

Though I might not be seen when you wake in the night,
I am there, though you walk right through me.
You may not realize how close I am, or even how dear you are to me.
Even as you sing yourself to sleep, cry, or even weep…
I’m there to make you feel better and calm you.
I would embrace you and take away any pain or sorrow, and let you sleep with a smile on your face.

As you grow older, and your dreams begin change,
I remain there beside your bed, protecting you, loving you.
And when the morning comes and the suns begins to rise
I’ll slowly slink and hide in your wildest daydreams.
You’ll think of me everyday and as you grow, and I’ll change for you.
I’ll be whom you will me, to care for you forever.

I am perfect, everything you long for.
My hair is blonde, brown, black as raven pitch,
My eyes are green, blue brown; my skin light, tan, dark, pale.
I am Male…I am Female.
I am what you wish and long for, what you want me to be.
I am your Wildest Dreams.

But I know, one night I’ll enter your room,
And find I can’t take form, and remain the wispy shadow.
And I’ll flow to your bed and see you are no longer alone,
And as you start to toss and turn, your partner slowly wakes you with the kiss I could not give you, the envy…the jealousy it would cause in me to see you there with IT.
You’ll wake to ITS touch and fall asleep in ITS arms,
The way I’ve longed to do so every night I watched you.


But tonight, oh tonight you’re alone; no one is at your side.
And as I enter, I take the shape of your hearts longing.
I will walk to your bedside, sit on the cloud, your bed,
And caress you with my phantom fingers.
I’ll kiss your face, and love you the way you deserve to be loved.
But when you wake, you’ll remember it only as a dream, and discard it all.

I love you more then life itself.
I’d give my very life for you,
And even thought I don’t live, my soul belongs to you.
Despite the fact that you discard my presence,
And pretend I don’t exist.
You still talk to me as you talk to yourself.

And you know I’m answering and some how hear
For you speak as if you hear my voice, and know I am there.
Even though you deny my existence, I’ll always love you.
Even to the day you forget me,
Even to the day you break my heart.
And even after, I’ll follow you and watch you for I can’t keep away.

Many nights I sit and pray,
Just to become one with you
Others I just sit and long to live, to be real
And be the one you want beside you.
Some times I dream of eternal life with you,
And I long for the mortality so I could die with you,
And be buried beside you.

My god…I love you,
I want you,
I’ll miss you,
I’d claim you,
I’ll kiss you,
I’ll hold you.

Just as you wish me to
For I am YOUR Phantom,
your Dreams,
your Wishes,
your Desires,
I am the Phantom of your HEART.

Don't you wish you knew?
This secret that I told only so few?
This ring? What it symbolizes?
Don't you wish you knew?

Sometimes I look up at the stars,
wondering what I done right;
even after pain, loss, rejection...
all I have to do is take a deep breath, look down,
then I see this ring and I can smile again.

Such an angel, this man I speak of,
but not just any man,
He watches over me, protects me,
cares for me, loves me.
I wish you knew how it feels to be
protected and watched and loved like that.

I can be myself, and he loves me.
I can look like a slob, and he loves me.
I can say I hate him if he makes me mad, and he loves me.
He would put himself in danger to keep me from harm,
even if it means keeping us apart.

Now I’m down here, gazing up at the stars,
I can see his eyes gazing down at me, just almost,
and he tells me it’s almost time.

I wish you knew how it feels,
to know that times coming up,
that weight on your shoulders would be lifted
soon enough, and your heart captured.

I wish you knew how it feels, this secret,
this lover being so close it makes your heart beat faster.
I sleep and he is there, lying beside me.
He gives me this ring, leads me to it,
he's coming soon, I know it.

After such horror I finally see him,
he's alright, he's ok, he's still mine.
He's alive and trying to find me.
I wish you knew how it feels.

Oh don’t you wish you knew?
This cloud I seem to float on?
When I seem lost in the moment,
who I’m thinking of?
I think of him standing there before me
loving the sight of me, and taking me in his arms
and never letting go,
for he knows that I’ll be his, and forever and always was.


So many guys down here, so many seem to reflect him,
it gets hard to tell the difference sometimes.
Hearts leap, but it’s not him. I'm waiting for him, and he's
coming...

I wish you knew how this feels,
Don’t' you wish you knew?

Looking up at you, I wonder where it all gone.
Thought you loved me too but sooner or later it all came around
I long to see your face again, long to hear your voice;
How can you blame me, you’re enchanting – there’s no choice.

I want to take you in my arms, feel your heat, your skin.
You kiss my neck and love me the way you did back then.
Lay me in the darkness, keep me from the cold.
Love me the way you did back then.

Unless you don’t love me anymore, don’t tell me, don’t tell me
You don’t love me anymore, don’t tell me, don’t tell me.

I look up to you, long for you, yet you don’t come round.
Feel for you, breathe of you, need you right now.
I feel your fingers in my hair, your skin hot on mine.
We toss in blankets, laugh and chime, love is all we find.

Remember how it used to be, every night was a new mystery
We rediscovered each other, underneath the covers.
Love is all we had there, we were everything we needed.
But one day soon you’d find, you’re tired after the climb.

Unless you don’t love me anymore, don’t tell me, don’t tell me
You don’t love me anymore, don’t tell me, don’t tell me.
I’m making a fool of myself, reaching out and singing to you
Out in the middle of the night, cold and freezing in the dark.
The wind chills, the moon hides, why do you stay away?
How can you love me, when you’re so far away?

Unless you don’t love me, not any more.
Please don’t say you don’t love me,
Please don’t open that door.
I don’t think I could get over you, don’t  think I could survive.

For so long you’ve been my world, for so long you’ve been my life
I need you, feel you breathe you in my every vein.
Keep me in your arms, please keep on loving me…

Don’t you ever think its strange,
How personal a thing can be
but is so distant once on paper?
I used to be hurting, too much to speak,
And yet this one poem from years  ago
Rang out to me. It told me to keep my head
Held high and keep pushing through.
But I can remember at the time, my life
Felt as if it were going to end.
Broken hearts soon mend, true they echo hard
But they soon are filled in with sweeter men.
Still, don’t take caution to the wind, you’ve learned
A lesson once, don’t fall for it again.
You don’t want to look back at two poems written
For the same pain, when it could have been easily
Avoided. Yet hell no don’t hold back, let yourself
Be free; hold your head high and keep breathing.
Its finding the healthy in between that’s the hardest
Part. But that’s all part of the roller coaster ride.
Keep healthy, stay safe, don’t fall down if you
don’t expect to get right back up, always keep
bandage’s handy for those times you get scrapes
and always keep that smile on your face,
Cause trust me, reading what you once were
Can lead you to what you will be,
Broken hearts mend and sweet hearts send a
Shiver down your spine. Just be sure to keep
That head high and don’t scare them off too quickly.
Don’t you ever read something you wrote and wonder
Whether it’s ending the way it started?

Some times I wonder if I can write without having something to inspire, as stupid as that sounds. You can write…but then there are times when you can WRITE and the world bows at the beauty of the language you compose. You sit and type for hours and hours on a reseeded brain where you wait out the little moments of your inner mind and place them on paper so meticulously that they seem like they belonged there. ***** secrets, inner dreams…many things that could never float to the surface are stirred in a little *** until they pop up at the tip of your typing fingers. You sit and think about nothing and get so much melodic forms that its incredible. Other times you find your heart lies in the strangest of places, or that your eyes see the weirdest things, or your sleep hides in the funniest of hiding spots. But like before you can’t write like this without inspiration – my inspiration tonight is the strange feeling that seems to turn my cheeks to flame. Or the strange fuzzy sensation in my stomach that seems to cause my cheeks to flush. It’s not as painful as it used to be, the gnawing agony of a heart being torn…not even close. It’s just the simple flutter that just makes a pleasant tickle to remind me it’s there. What I would give to have had this years before, how much I would have saved me – pain, crying, heart ache and humiliation. But this feeling is liberating, like alcohol, and my tongue seems to have a mind of its own as well as my fingers. The things I say under such tickling emotions is strange to me. I talk of hugs and embraces, possible touches and **** should I dare say a brush of a lip? God this curse never ends? But do I want it to? The only fear is of writing to much, talking to loud.  Fear of rejection can only wound so deep…it’s the fear of not really being wanted that gets you the most…but the tickling feeling helps you forget about that fear..if only for a moment.
If only I could write like this forever…instead of in the middle of the night, sleepless , half on my way to falling head over heels to much?

How does this happen,
Again and again?
I don't try to do it,
I can never win.
I honestly watch out,
I'm careful and proud,
But still i end up falling-
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
I'm sick of the heart ache,
I'm tired of the pain.
I want it all washed away
In the thundering rain.
Why can't it be easy
IS THIS JUST A GAME?
My poor heart is broken
they have no shame.
My hearts not been whole
For quite some time.
Been broken to pieces
Dropped on a dime.
Why do I keep doing this,
Will I ever fracking Learn?
My heart should be locked up
All those cruel men should BURN!
They trick me and treat me like i'm one of the best,
Then reach in my throat and pull my heart from my ******* chest.
Just beat me and kick me and tie me in chains
You honestly can't hurt me, no matter the pains...
For now my heart is locked up
You'll never see it again.
Not even will it peek out for even a friend.
For i've been fooled to many times,
I'm so heart sick looking for love to be mine.
So fragile, so eager, I don't want to be alone-
Yet here i am hitting every fracking stone.
Frack Really I did it again?
When will my heart learn it never will win.
Forget all the sighing, forget all the thieves of hearts.
Put ice on the bruises and wrap all the marks.
I'll never let any one else in again,
Why must I fall for you...over and over again...

Sitting there in the corner
Empty eyes, broken wings
left to dance for money,
to dance for life.

Lovely angel, lost and fallen
losing all and gaining nothing
Falling out of faith.

You're Lucifer's Angel
Love of a sinner,
Redeemer of Demons
Tempt the fires of Hell.
You grant him his heart,
give him his wings
to be an Angel again.

Motherless child,
Father has gone.
Where are you now?
You're left alone.
Dealing with devils,
working with sin.
Loose are you lips to him,
Weak are your hips
For you know no other way.

You're Lucifer's Angel
love of a sinner,
redeemer of demons
tempt the fires of hell.
You grant him his heart,
give him his wings
Help him to live again.

He flies away and leaves you
beaten and broken,
once again alone.
Lucifer's Angel,
love of a sinner
now turned saint.
Again you're on your own.

But he returns,
your health and heart regained.
Lucifer's Angel,
learn to fly again
and get out of this place.

Lucifer's Angel,
love of a sinner,
redeemer of demons,
beat the fires of hell.
Kiss deep those lips,
beat fast those wings,
Fly off before you're broken again.

Why can't i read you, Why when you're all i want? Why can't i hold you, when all i need is your touch. Orion - Orion why must you be gone?I am here alone, sitting like a stone,I'm waiting....



Why must you appear, Why when you vanish so?And why is it your voice i hear, when i'm lost and cold?Orion - Orion must you be gone?I am here alone, sitting like a stone,I'm waiting...



You have left me to the wolves.Why when i am so in love...My heart is beating so quickly my love,Cant you hear me calling, my love,I'm singing out just for you.



Why must you be deaf to my song, Why when you are there?Why must you lead me on? Must you never care?Orion - Orion must you be gone? Orion - You've made me wait so long...



My heart is breaking, its broken once beforeMy heart is acheing, you're walking out the door,I am lost here, my world is spinning round,With out you...I'm lost with out you,I'm waiting....



Orion, you are the arms that hold me,you are the warmth i seek.Orion, you are the voice that calls me,you're words are what i need.Orion, you are the very sameI sing to you right now.Orion, yours are the eyes, the lips and the whole,You hold my heart...You hold my soul.



I'm waiting

Inspiration can come from the strangest of places. But here I am looking around seeing things in a new light. I dress differently, I speak differently, I walk as if people watch. I like this feeling, its new from what I'm used to. Compliments, I'd love to take them, Give me the boost i need.

Salv mon Crear.

I sing with new words, new voice. If only every one could see me the way I now see myself - so full of life, so hopeful. I feel happier, lighter than air, and I see it floating up in my step my life.

Salv Mon Crear.

Its the new me that's finally breaking out to say I finally understand. 

Silence, some times its welcomed; simply to hear the hum of the computers, the sound of footsteps outside, opening and closing doors...But after a while it gets lonesome. You sit in silence and wonder why its still there. You try to fill it, try to find any and every possible noise to make the silence go away. The clicking of your fingers, the ringing of your cellphone, the roar of the music you play absently from the computer.



Silence, sometimes its welcomed; the gate way to new ideas, of thoughts you'd never hear, visions racing past your eyes as you close them in appreciation...But after a while your thoughts run away with out you, you start to think twice, double guess, hurt yourself. You try everything you can to calm the thoughts that make you paranoid simply to make life slow down, make sense, to understand.



Silence, sometimes its welcomed; but not today. I don't want to be alone, I DON'T want to sit in silence and feel forgotten. But what else to do? Listen to the blaring of the music, think of random ideas and write, fill the silence with my coughs from this sickness and hope it will get better soon. I can't help but think of all I still have to do and how I can't do it ill, I think of the guilt i feel for calling out of work BECAUSE i am sick, I think of how I let myself be used to keep from feeling guilty...and end up killing myself in the end. I am sick because i work to hard, I work to hard because i am sick and need to catch up. How does this help?



Silence, sometimes it is welcomed; right now i would willingly break my ears to stop hearing the voices in my head telling me to stop thinking, to continue to be horrid to myself, to stop complaining, and to sit still. I don't want to. I hate them. Music blare to i DON'T have to hear them.



Silence, sometimes it is welcomed.......

Heaven Help us, Lord be willing
We only have till morning then we lose this chance.
When I wake up, you will be gone
We only have so long just to make us.

Very soon you will forget, all the love we had.
And very soon I will forget you existed.

Heaven help us, we’re too broken.
How can we find love when we’re so cautious?
Afraid to be hurt and to bleed,
Putting up the shields just to save us.

If only we could really be.
If only we could have the chance that they all have.
But the sun rises and we are pulled apart.
Night time seems to be the only time for us.
The only time for us…to be together.

Too bad, I love you so much.
Too bad I need you like the air I breathe.
I f only we could be together just for this moment,
We might have a fighting chance.

Heaven help us, I don’t understand.
How we are so close, and yet so far apart.
When you say forever – Then take my hand
How can you break it, then come crawling back?

Can’t you see the pain in my eyes?
How much it’s killing me,
Living in fantasy – just to keep you
And time is flying by, and I will lose you.

Heaven help us, I’m too tired.
I love you more than any one could say,
And yet here I can’t keep fighting,
For something that will only go away.

Can’t you hear my crying out –
In the pouring rain?
Every day it’s all the same…
A sad sad symphony.

Are you not afraid of losing me?
Don’t you love me back?
I’m falling but will you catch me?
I should just walk away –

Too bad, I love you so much.
Too bad I need you like the air I breathe.
I f only we could be together just for this moment,
We might have a fighting chance.

I love you so much it hurts,
But I am on the edge
Spinning round in circles – I can’t fight for this.

Heaven help us, God be willing,
We only have till morning just to make us.

Just Catch Yourself

A quick smile, glance down.
Don't get caught, catch yourself.
You can't let them see.
Your face is red? Don't let them see,
Just catch yourself before it's too late.
There is no way this is really happening;
You’re just seeing things – just catch yourself.
Nothing goes the way you want it to,
It’s not what you think it is, it’s not just for you.
Just catch yourself.

Just catch yourself before you’re too late
Before your heart can’t take it back-
It’s jumping out of your chest?
Restrain it before it gets loose,
You can’t have a hopeful heart,
It’s pointless

He smiles, you look down.
Your heart leaps, don’t get caught.
He makes you laugh; your face gets red,
Cover it; hide it, so he can’t see.
He’s being nice, he’s being thought full,
Don’t believe it, just pretend there’s nothing there.
You’re seeing things, he’s not interested-
Stop the avalanche before it destroys everything!

Just catch yourself; you can’t be too careful.
Your heart is only so strong, it will break too easily.
Don’t hope, just catch yourself…
Before you fall-
You’re
Slowly
F
A
L
L
I
N
G
It’s too late…
Don’t you ever LEARN?

It slowly drips…

It drips slowly from my lips; your neck so pale now scarred. All this just for love that could never be. Two beings from another world, different colors in the spectrum; I red as blood, you white as snow. And yet your heart no longer beats for me. A foolish mistake that I wish only to destroy.

I loved you as you loved me. My life was happy, my life was complete when you were mine. I thought as long as you were mine and mine alone, I believed I could continue my terrible life as it was with only one bit of happiness to keep my going. Ever to be given to me. But I abused it, and now it drips slowly from my lips, and I only long for your eyes to open once more, if only for a small moment. I wish you were alive, I wish you were breathing, I long for your loving arms to hold me close. But it will never happen…you're gone, and it is all my fault, there is nothing I can do any more, it drips from my lips.

I am a vampire; you knew that, such a foolish, love sick human. But I let you come, I let you love me, I let myself love you. And it burned to see you so unhappy. I obeyed, you wished to be just like me, and I obeyed. I sank my fangs into your neck.

But I couldn't stop; I went past the point of no return and beyond. And now you're still and cold as stone, and your blood trickles from my lips.

My dear love, look what you've done to me,

I pray you will return my love you see..



My songs i sing out loud and clear,

songs heard by everyone far and near.



And yet my heart isn't there,

my tree of song is somehow bare.



My love your wind did tear my leaves

and now I'm felled its true.



For you see....

I gave my songs here to the rest,

My self I gave to you.

She was beautiful.



But not in a Cosmo Model, Megan Fox, or Tara kind of way, not how you would expect. It was strange, her beauty. The kind that has you peering through a crowded room to see what you were really looking at. Her eyes, her smile, the way she held herself; strange how just holding her head up a few vertebrae higher could catch such attention.  And the way she was around people, was a mystery. She would be all smiles, childish and comic at one moment; but the next she would lean quietly, her face relaxed with no thought of expression.



When she smiled, it took little effort to make her smile brighter, and the promise would make her giggle and laugh. Her laugh could make even the saddest man cry out for joy. And sometimes she would sing, and her voice was like the angels from heaven, to get her to sing was just as much a task as it was to make her smile. While, on the other hand, when she was relaxed, her expressionless face dominant,  the task to make her smile, to get her to laugh grew hard and tiresome.



Such a strange beauty, like a well painted piece of art, was rare. She stuck out like a sore thumb in the cluster of thin no bodies. Each girl prim, thin, perky and down to the letter. Each girl barely had a mind of their own, barely had wit enough to keep them. But this girl…this girl could tame the whole room if she pleased. This girl could open her mouth wide and get the whole company into a dance. She had personality, she had spark, she had emotions, she was alive.



That’s why he liked her so much. He loved just looking into her auburn eyes, the almond shape of them as interesting as her topics of conversation. He could listen to her voice for hours, just as beautiful as her singing voice. And she could pull your heart like nothing else. That’s what he liked about her.