Don’t you ever think its strange,
How personal a thing can be
but is so distant once on paper?
I used to be hurting, too much to speak,
And yet this one poem from years  ago
Rang out to me. It told me to keep my head
Held high and keep pushing through.
But I can remember at the time, my life
Felt as if it were going to end.
Broken hearts soon mend, true they echo hard
But they soon are filled in with sweeter men.
Still, don’t take caution to the wind, you’ve learned
A lesson once, don’t fall for it again.
You don’t want to look back at two poems written
For the same pain, when it could have been easily
Avoided. Yet hell no don’t hold back, let yourself
Be free; hold your head high and keep breathing.
Its finding the healthy in between that’s the hardest
Part. But that’s all part of the roller coaster ride.
Keep healthy, stay safe, don’t fall down if you
don’t expect to get right back up, always keep
bandage’s handy for those times you get scrapes
and always keep that smile on your face,
Cause trust me, reading what you once were
Can lead you to what you will be,
Broken hearts mend and sweet hearts send a
Shiver down your spine. Just be sure to keep
That head high and don’t scare them off too quickly.
Don’t you ever read something you wrote and wonder
Whether it’s ending the way it started?

Some times I wonder if I can write without having something to inspire, as stupid as that sounds. You can write…but then there are times when you can WRITE and the world bows at the beauty of the language you compose. You sit and type for hours and hours on a reseeded brain where you wait out the little moments of your inner mind and place them on paper so meticulously that they seem like they belonged there. ***** secrets, inner dreams…many things that could never float to the surface are stirred in a little *** until they pop up at the tip of your typing fingers. You sit and think about nothing and get so much melodic forms that its incredible. Other times you find your heart lies in the strangest of places, or that your eyes see the weirdest things, or your sleep hides in the funniest of hiding spots. But like before you can’t write like this without inspiration – my inspiration tonight is the strange feeling that seems to turn my cheeks to flame. Or the strange fuzzy sensation in my stomach that seems to cause my cheeks to flush. It’s not as painful as it used to be, the gnawing agony of a heart being torn…not even close. It’s just the simple flutter that just makes a pleasant tickle to remind me it’s there. What I would give to have had this years before, how much I would have saved me – pain, crying, heart ache and humiliation. But this feeling is liberating, like alcohol, and my tongue seems to have a mind of its own as well as my fingers. The things I say under such tickling emotions is strange to me. I talk of hugs and embraces, possible touches and **** should I dare say a brush of a lip? God this curse never ends? But do I want it to? The only fear is of writing to much, talking to loud.  Fear of rejection can only wound so deep…it’s the fear of not really being wanted that gets you the most…but the tickling feeling helps you forget about that fear..if only for a moment.
If only I could write like this forever…instead of in the middle of the night, sleepless , half on my way to falling head over heels to much?

How does this happen,
Again and again?
I don't try to do it,
I can never win.
I honestly watch out,
I'm careful and proud,
But still i end up falling-
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
I'm sick of the heart ache,
I'm tired of the pain.
I want it all washed away
In the thundering rain.
Why can't it be easy
IS THIS JUST A GAME?
My poor heart is broken
they have no shame.
My hearts not been whole
For quite some time.
Been broken to pieces
Dropped on a dime.
Why do I keep doing this,
Will I ever fracking Learn?
My heart should be locked up
All those cruel men should BURN!
They trick me and treat me like i'm one of the best,
Then reach in my throat and pull my heart from my ******* chest.
Just beat me and kick me and tie me in chains
You honestly can't hurt me, no matter the pains...
For now my heart is locked up
You'll never see it again.
Not even will it peek out for even a friend.
For i've been fooled to many times,
I'm so heart sick looking for love to be mine.
So fragile, so eager, I don't want to be alone-
Yet here i am hitting every fracking stone.
Frack Really I did it again?
When will my heart learn it never will win.
Forget all the sighing, forget all the thieves of hearts.
Put ice on the bruises and wrap all the marks.
I'll never let any one else in again,
Why must I fall for you...over and over again...

Sitting there in the corner
Empty eyes, broken wings
left to dance for money,
to dance for life.

Lovely angel, lost and fallen
losing all and gaining nothing
Falling out of faith.

You're Lucifer's Angel
Love of a sinner,
Redeemer of Demons
Tempt the fires of Hell.
You grant him his heart,
give him his wings
to be an Angel again.

Motherless child,
Father has gone.
Where are you now?
You're left alone.
Dealing with devils,
working with sin.
Loose are you lips to him,
Weak are your hips
For you know no other way.

You're Lucifer's Angel
love of a sinner,
redeemer of demons
tempt the fires of hell.
You grant him his heart,
give him his wings
Help him to live again.

He flies away and leaves you
beaten and broken,
once again alone.
Lucifer's Angel,
love of a sinner
now turned saint.
Again you're on your own.

But he returns,
your health and heart regained.
Lucifer's Angel,
learn to fly again
and get out of this place.

Lucifer's Angel,
love of a sinner,
redeemer of demons,
beat the fires of hell.
Kiss deep those lips,
beat fast those wings,
Fly off before you're broken again.

Why can't i read you, Why when you're all i want? Why can't i hold you, when all i need is your touch. Orion - Orion why must you be gone?I am here alone, sitting like a stone,I'm waiting....



Why must you appear, Why when you vanish so?And why is it your voice i hear, when i'm lost and cold?Orion - Orion must you be gone?I am here alone, sitting like a stone,I'm waiting...



You have left me to the wolves.Why when i am so in love...My heart is beating so quickly my love,Cant you hear me calling, my love,I'm singing out just for you.



Why must you be deaf to my song, Why when you are there?Why must you lead me on? Must you never care?Orion - Orion must you be gone? Orion - You've made me wait so long...



My heart is breaking, its broken once beforeMy heart is acheing, you're walking out the door,I am lost here, my world is spinning round,With out you...I'm lost with out you,I'm waiting....



Orion, you are the arms that hold me,you are the warmth i seek.Orion, you are the voice that calls me,you're words are what i need.Orion, you are the very sameI sing to you right now.Orion, yours are the eyes, the lips and the whole,You hold my heart...You hold my soul.



I'm waiting

Inspiration can come from the strangest of places. But here I am looking around seeing things in a new light. I dress differently, I speak differently, I walk as if people watch. I like this feeling, its new from what I'm used to. Compliments, I'd love to take them, Give me the boost i need.

Salv mon Crear.

I sing with new words, new voice. If only every one could see me the way I now see myself - so full of life, so hopeful. I feel happier, lighter than air, and I see it floating up in my step my life.

Salv Mon Crear.

Its the new me that's finally breaking out to say I finally understand. 

Silence, some times its welcomed; simply to hear the hum of the computers, the sound of footsteps outside, opening and closing doors...But after a while it gets lonesome. You sit in silence and wonder why its still there. You try to fill it, try to find any and every possible noise to make the silence go away. The clicking of your fingers, the ringing of your cellphone, the roar of the music you play absently from the computer.



Silence, sometimes its welcomed; the gate way to new ideas, of thoughts you'd never hear, visions racing past your eyes as you close them in appreciation...But after a while your thoughts run away with out you, you start to think twice, double guess, hurt yourself. You try everything you can to calm the thoughts that make you paranoid simply to make life slow down, make sense, to understand.



Silence, sometimes its welcomed; but not today. I don't want to be alone, I DON'T want to sit in silence and feel forgotten. But what else to do? Listen to the blaring of the music, think of random ideas and write, fill the silence with my coughs from this sickness and hope it will get better soon. I can't help but think of all I still have to do and how I can't do it ill, I think of the guilt i feel for calling out of work BECAUSE i am sick, I think of how I let myself be used to keep from feeling guilty...and end up killing myself in the end. I am sick because i work to hard, I work to hard because i am sick and need to catch up. How does this help?



Silence, sometimes it is welcomed; right now i would willingly break my ears to stop hearing the voices in my head telling me to stop thinking, to continue to be horrid to myself, to stop complaining, and to sit still. I don't want to. I hate them. Music blare to i DON'T have to hear them.



Silence, sometimes it is welcomed.......