it isn't as soft as you would imagine
the pull of fabric, the simple hums
yet it does separate me from
the fantasy

the fantasy is always deep
repeatedly warm, protective against the open room
it keeps me together, even when
you don't

you don't always see
when I hide in the pillows, I promise to stay
I regularly wonder, would you do
the same

the same rocks pour from your mouth
a bitter shot of memory and hard places
I swear once I caught a glimpse of
the better you

the better you exists in my hands
when I run them through your hair
nuzzle down.down.down.downright hard to get
up again

up again at the crack of dawn
I know you work hard for your bills
just remember the cup
won't lie

won't lie?
I wouldn't say that, have you ever...
strangely I trust you, even when it seems
I shouldn't

I shouldn't doubt your hand in mine
yet it's much too disappointing
when I reach for some assurance and you
fall short

fall short of the finish line and
nothing really happens, you just go home
of course you gave it your
best shot

best shot, neat knot, limp plot
barely caught, never taught, simply thought
surely ought, fully wrought, sadly got
dizzy ***

dizzy *** I will one day know
how to stand up to you and
what it is and what
it isn't

it isn't as soft as you would imagine
the pull of fabric, the simple hums
yet it does separate me from
the fantasy

His cane bares as many wrinkles
as the tired sagging years
of skin
Trembling, the scuffle of leather
on the grass
ssswwwwissshhhhh
was not heard over the drags of
fresh air
New as it enters aged as it leaves
Does that glassy stare
see?
Is he searching for an X on the road?
or is he purely on a quest to
move
one swish in front of the other
escaping the burn of age
the spike of purpose the rush of
world
always better than the rush of
pills
8 a.m. "Have a nice day!" Grab, lean back, swallow
8 p.m. "Have a nice night!" Grab, lean back, swallow
escape.
shivering slightly
in the lonely place
skin thin as a
poorly made jacket
in seeps
all the cold
weathered from the storm of
living
the storm of
deaths

swwiisshh

-just move-

swwiisshh

-lean on the cane, lean on the pills-

swwiisshh

the Lonely Place, I live in the Lonely Place

swwiisshh

-NewOld  breathe  NewOld  breathe NewOld-


swwiis. Gaspgaspgaspgaspgasp

-Hold heart, reach reach-


*"I'm Scared".

she sat in the corner and asks

                                                   g                            WHY am I always digging at the bottom of this red box
r                                              n         ­                                                                 ­        '   w'''
  e                                         i                                                            ­                          '''e  '                           '
   a                                  h                                                            ­                         '          e   ''       '
     c                            c                              ­                                             '        '          p''   '          '                 '
       h                     a                                                            ­                    '          '              i '                      '
          i               e                                                            ­            '          '  '           '         n    '      '
            n        r                         ­                                                 '       '           '         '            g        '
                g                        ­                                                                 ­                                               '        '        ­       '

                                                              ­                                              Begging for understanding while the claws of misleading whispers are speaking sweet nothings, pretty as raw sugar. Which is the sweetener and which is the bitter black?
                                                                ­                         YELLING
out of frustration                                                    ­   YELLING                                                     out of patience
out of disappointment                                              YEL­LING                                                          out­ of ideas

      but take me by the hand                   drape me across my bed post
      use the other to pick me up  GOD   tell me to stop crying and
                                                     come home

Forgive me
I know sorry c doesn't always
                        u
                        t
                        it

  ­                                                  WHY is it when I run to stains on the carpet You find me with even more force than the last. I never thought You were .........
                                                       ­                                          such a clean freak

                                                          ­                            I hope You know
                                                            ­                          that I keep pushing
                                                         ­                             You into last weeks trash
                    but the trash has a certain aroma
                                  [[[Corinthians 2:14]]]

sometimes Your Fabreeze winds are the only thing that
let me smile
                                                                ­     I can't thank You enough for

                                                            ­        r
                                                       ­               e
                                                ­                         a
                                                               ­             c
                                                  ­                              h
                                 ­                                                  i
                                                               ­                      n      
                                                                ­                         g
                                                               ­                                out
                                                             ­                                  letting me hear the train whistle
                                                         ­                                      imagine the cloth cubicles  
                                                      ­                                         even while I
                                                                ­                               blatantly ignore it
                                                              ­                                 and keep walking
                                                                ­                               this long road

                                                           ­                                      on my own


Stop handing me ~tickets~
I'm scared one day I'll take one
and board

No, I can't ignore this
but
it shouldn't control me

no one will understand this
gibberish is more like it- some foreign language
it doesn't make sense
no one will understand
I'm not quite sure I do

fuzzy
it's becoming
scratch that
I'm becoming
me?

see the way the t.v. laughs at our faces
when the screen irritates our ears with
complaints
we watch it too much
we crave it way more than we
should
oh shoot I assumed again
replace the we's with I
actually.......nevermind
I don't care- I feel like I'm right about that
this time
....sorry?

but that sound
[the laughing-the continuous laughing]
that is where fuzzy comes
into play- this little game this little trial run
with it's "rules" which are really "guidelines" because no one intends on
listening to any of it
because everyone intends on
stepping over lines, breaking all their words
they said couldn't....they said they would never
bend
[well they bend all the time- but i'll say it's because we are
human. mistakes are natural, deal with it. human- I'm allowed to not
listen(understand).     I'm allowed]
oh right that fuzz
talk about annoying
just turn it off
it isn't hard okay, it isn't hard
just do it already

much better
so much better
hey did you know that
I walked into my room today and
didn't feel a single twinge
of negativity
I beat the rules
[I'm allowed]
beat them dead
sure I know it hasn't been long enough
blah blah
still beat it, stepped over the line
and it feels goooood babe
it feels real good

hope that the weather is less bitter about
ahem.....love
than I am
that word .....frankly look at it
it's just a bunch of lines
and people always step on those, break them, bend them, try and change their shape
so the original meaning, the true ....personality of the word love
its a bit harder to discover since it became a game of hide and seek and pick up sticks

or it hides
away in a pocket
that someone made themself
really we all make the word ourselves
stitch by stitch
until it looks right
"right"
you found love?
great!

hope you don't lose it

hope you think it's right

hope you actually mean it

hope that girl you find
                                                          kn­ows it's not real

harsh? fine, whatever


do you get it?
yeah of course you don't
you never did

you never could
because you were never meant to understand

because you were never meant for me

I was thinking
skeleton fingers, all joints and points, are a lot like
my pencil
bare,  hard, with these cuts here and there that
I don't remember making, I don't remember happening
it would make the same screech
as nails against a blackboard
that scream of desperation, or is it anger, or is it fun
well anyway my blackboard is paper
harmless..thin..blank..
 ----------
|                |
|                |       <-------  see. blank. just laying there, anticipating.
|________|
even when the goal is
Everything.
wishing to pull together a string of words
--------la tee da---------there once was------------the end-----------the beginning------------
unfortunately, they all just hang there
                                         a
                                      little
                  ­           like ornaments
                         on a Christmas tree
                     but instead of sparkling
                like all good laughter and songs
           they sort of hang there with sad curves.
      these bits of gray. I wonder if they even form          
  letters. Really I  just see all sorts of crazy symbols                
                            crazycrazycra­zy                            
                           symbols symbols
                           crazycrazycrazy

Tripped and fell today
wasn't watching myself
all these twigs, stupid rocks, mud
so much mud. ugh
it's all over my feet
seriously, it's a feat to go without the
accidental step you hope no one saw    
keep your eyes up- idiot....
then at least you'll be
prepared

and when you make it to the end of the road/path/decision/idea/goal
success! (it's alright that mud will come right out no worry necessary)
stretch your hand out to me
ill give it a good shake, show you a firm pat on the back
ouch?
oh-yeah I know, sorry
forgive my bony fingers      
and let me know if you ever need a pencil

Between the trees there lay a path
messy and strewn, overgrowth hid the tracks
it went deep into the forrest, twisting and spontaneous
I told the lady on the bus, but spoke mostly to her back

Midday moved to night moved to daybreak
I hear a voice drift from somewhere near
"You are free to own nothing"
it echoed. far off a clock was punched. I walked on, leaving behind a distant jeer

If you stand on your head, will the questions become answers?
If you oppress the oppressor, will you then control fate?
When faced with flashing truths, will you stare into light?
I don't need ******* stories, I make my own bait

What do I know? Water boils on the stove and rain cakes mud to the edge of my new boots.
All I can say is sometimes I get lucky and follow trails I've never seen wearing a hat I found the other day with a note saying, "Take me if you need it."

I could say I told you so
but id only be talking to myself

it's quite obvious that
this is new
stretching out my legs and
walking
              walking around without a plan
                                 without those thoughts
                                                          those ideas
                                                           ­                         that one dream.......
                                      (it was so lovely)..........
it's alright my [love] friend, to admit that you still believe that. I know you do. I know.
yes, it'll be weird
walking around              
without you

yeah, of course i'm
numb
I will be, for a long time
yet just like when
I sit cross legged
on a couch or red plastic chair
and the feeling is lost
in what becomes rubber limbs

once I begin to move
not shifting positions, not trying to stay comfortable
when I really
stand up and start
doing all that walking
                                    walking
             ­                               walking
                          ­         walking
                       walking
the feeling shoots back

at first it is so
harsh and unyielding
I think I might never move
without this fire striking me down
well frankly I don't want to
fall anymore
I just,
I just don't

                                                          ­                                      I went looking and I found you
                                                             ­                                   and it was just like it was, but it was fleeting
                                                        ­                                        you looked me in the eyes, in the eyes
                                                            ­                                    said it was wrong, this didn't change a thing
                                                           ­                                     and when you walked away (because you were able to)
                                                             ­                                   you didn't look back, not once                
                                                                ­  I clutched my heart and watched you go until I couldn't see you anymore
                                                         ­                                       that was when I too, turned the page
                                                            ­                                                              


­so.....

I tell myself to
just keep letting my shoes hit the
pavement
and soon that tingling rush of pain
will subside
and it will be ok

and it will be ok

Beloved
the stretch of my lungs
in and out
beats my metronome

found myself at the window
let my elbow
rest

I let the sun
hold me today
and I prayed
I would see you
and we could be one
no confusion

i belong
to you
and the gentle brush
of memory on my eyelashes
bring the corners of my mouth
to rise
and the water of my eyes
to fall

Lovely
I let the sun hold me today
I closed my eyes
and you were there
instead

just when
i thought i burned that bridge
i realize
somehow in shock each time
that you cant burn
stone

you can see the shadow
of charcoal brushstrokes
outlined on the gray surface
it crawls up the sides

one day
ill take a sponge
and scrub away those ashes
it will be "like new"

see those weeds?
in the patch of green
before you walk over
the dying bridge
they are
criss crossed in daisy's

ill pick them all
until all that's left
is yellow for
miles and miles

isn't that nice?
i thought so too
so how bout
you find your knees
and settle down
so you too
can pull weeds from the ground

what are you thinking
at this very moment
.........
no really
..........
.........
.......
..
.
I wanted to know....

I can tell you anything
ok no I can't
something keeps me
from treating you like I treat my best friend
don't get me wrong
you're my best friend
but not like that
I would do absolutely anything in the world
for the best friend who knows me

I know I know
the same goes for you
but there are times
when I feel you tug up on the zipper
so I close it tight
sensing it just wouldn't be right
to spill

I want to
just throw it all at you
but your responses confuse me
throw me way off the track
you don't laugh you don't grin
and I know
I'm overflowing with sunny demeanor
into your half empty bowl

You said yourself you aren't happy
not long ago
and I let my oceans flow
while you said
more unimaginables
into my stained shoulder
from the back as you
let me walk out the door
carving canyons
on the way to my car
you were confident then
and I stood--a drained puddle

Do you know
that I think of you
every sun as it rises
every coffee and lunch
every blink every sneeze
every moon as it shines

the summer brings out
my pensive nature
and I want to explore
people's mouths
dip n dots
little bursts of tasteful
words and creation
it happens all the time
but especially in the summer
when my thoughts are the only thing
that could turn cold

They freeze often
too much to thaw
back to body temperature
while I shiver
I always think about glass

and how you put it between you lips
and breathe
how the jungle in your closet
paves the way to the bank
so you can spend less time
in the Subway
I feel sick to my heart
knowing you know
that I hate it

it wouldn't be that way
if it were nothing
but I see it in my sleep
brush it off my skin
wash it in my hair
taste it in my mouth
we both know
its something

I want to marry you
well
not right now
whoa that came out
kinda fast
don't run away I didn't mean it
but actually
[I did]
[I do?]
wait
did you hear me?
oh nothing

See I watch all my friends
twirl in true love
and I am truly in love
but I can't
twirl
if you don't move
with me

hey
what are you thinking
just say it
anything
that chair looks uncomfortable why do we chew gum today I had tea
I work too much my knees hurt I sit too much I hate bees
anything
anything
I love you too and I'm more than a motion I feel and think I feel and think and, well. what was I saying?
anything
anything


what are you thinking
don't hold back
I'm here and I want you
I want you to be my best friend
the one you aren't yet
........
you can tell me
..............
..............
I'm listening
...........
............
.............
........
....
.
okay

opportunities
                           can snap
                              at the end of
          the show
  all their promise
                     full of heart ache and fear


dreamed of
          glimmering

the cost
                  will
be covered in white carpet

hahahhaahaha
                                      I
                                      thought
                                      you
                                      were
                                      my
                                      whole
                                      world>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  so wrong

to be sure
        completely
     "You could play"
                         said
the sharp
  
      turn for the worst
   back in line with
              the long run