You told
me I was

what

you

wanted

but we aren't
the same
as we
were
then.

I have
m
     e
          l
                    t
                            e
                                 d
into the simple
idea of you
falling asleep
next to me
again someday.

I wish I could
fill you up with
beautiful words
like you did for
me, but when I
tell you the things
my heart slides
over my teeth you
always say, "I just
don't understand it"
like I could possibly
be this thing you
don't deserve. How
can I explain to you
that you deserve
someone who touches
you like you are made
entirely of stars (which
I'm sure you are),
someone who feels
lucky at the sight
of your smile, trembles
in the wake of your
laugh?

Always I am
waiting
waiting
waiting
for the right time
to tell you all the
words I have stored
behind my teeth
and in the pockets
of all my sweaters.
It's just that I'm so
sure the sun speaks
out of your mouth,
that you will be the
only person who will
swallow my sentences
immediately after I've
said them so they
don't have time to
float away into
outer space where
Pluto and all of my
other lost loves are
orbiting. My
greatest fear is that
you'll stop holding
me like my hands
are made of the
Milky Way and
instead like the
love I'm capable of
giving you is simply
measured with the
spoon I use to stir
my peppermint tea.
I have stumbled
tripped
tumbled
into the atmosphere
of your smile, been
dragged under by the
waves of your breath
on my neck in the
earliest hours of
the morning. I ask
only that you keep
loving my arms that
aren't strong, keep
watching me like I
taught the sky how
to make rain
(because I'll never
stop watching you
that way.)

you are a flood
in my brain,
snaking into all
my cracks and
crevices. I tried
to shake you
out of my
thoughts today
but all you did
was slosh around
and settle back
comfortably in
place. maybe I'm
not supposed to
drain you.

I went
into the
darkness
and shined
my flashlight
through my
worries,
hoping to
spot even
a glimmer
of yours in
the distance.
I could have
sworn I saw
you out
there
once.

I am heavy
         heavy
         heavy
         with fear that you'll find someone
         who can love you better than I can

Lately I've been trying
to tell you in long
words what you do
to my insides but none
of it makes any sense,
so maybe it's just that
my pen isn't quite working.
There's no poetic way
to tell you I run your
name on the record player
in my head over and over
until I'm dizzy with the
sound of it. There used
to be more to your song
but we hit a bump and
something got scratched,
so now it just sings
"Ryan Ryan Ryan Ryan"
without me knowing
how to stop it. In stereo
my heart beats
thumps
says
"I love you, I love you,
I love you"
in your roughest voice-
the one you have at 3 am,
that you have in all my
best memories of you.

Mostly I ache for the times
late in the evening when
we've resolved to mush on
top of each other- stroking
fingers and lingering
forehead kisses- and your
words come in soft tides
on my neck. I can't fathom
being with anyone else.

I breathe like your laugh
is taking up all the air
in my apartment, like
maybe I'll **** in a story
you left buried under a
blanket in the corner,
like all I have left of you
is a few endings to a
couple of sentences
whispered into my ear.

given the choice I would
spend every night with
my hand on your neck
and yours on my stomach.
the sound of you
sleeping is the best noise
I've come to know.

It seemed
only right
that the
day you
told me
you were
in love
with me
it poured
like our
town had
never seen
rain. When
I looked
out the big
windows
and turned
to you to
say "I wish
I was at
home" it
was like
you knew
the words
before I
said them
and you
nodded
slowly
and
bumped
your
shoulder
against
mine,
a simple
understanding,
and I was
sure I was
in love
with you,
too.

I knew
today
would
be a bad
day
because
when I
got in
my car
that song
you hate
by that
artist you
love was
playing.

oh
but my heart
still feels
like it's c   r
                      u
                   m
                       bli
                            n
                               g
when I hear your
words in my head

carefully

                     carefully
  
                                             carefully


you slipped yourself into my veins

I'm so full of

want
want
want

and I'm

thisclosesoclose

to having
my stomach explode from the mound
of

f  e  a  t  h  e  r  s

I've been hiding in it
for over a month
now. I wish you would cut me open
and find them,
because I know only you would
understand
and maybe then we could be okay.

It's just that lately all I've
done is hurt
              hurt
              hurt

and I miss you more than I know how to put
into real words.

My bed feels empty
without you even
though you never
slept here. So isn't
it funny how your
side of the bed
still belongs to you
in a place you
weren't a part of?

I dreamed I was
on your couch
and you gave me
that white blanket
I love and you
played with my
fingers and kissed
me on my temple
just like always
and your eyes
did that little
crinkly thing I
look forward to
when you laugh
and you said,
"I've missed you
so much."
And I woke up
and reached out
to find you, but
I found I was
in my own bed
in my own room
in my lonely apartment.
I don't want to go
back to sleep.

Your heart is so genuine but
I feel like you aren't letting it
talk as much as much as it
needs to. I wasn't ready for
the sensitivity training that
comes with knowing your
insides but I like it and I
know I touch you a lot but
that's only because sometimes
I need to remember that I have
you. So please stop burrowing
into your blanket and come
burrow into me instead. I
promise I'm warmer and I
promise I smell better (although
your side of the bed is a
smell I could stay in forever)
and I swear I'll rub those
little circles into your hand
the way you like. Just please
let me be near you.