Today my makeup
was gone by noon
and I didn't take a
shower and I only
slept for three hours
last night so my
eyes were extra
puffy and I ate too
much at lunch and
had an attitude the
next time we saw
each other afterwards,
but you still gave
me a hug and told me
it was valued at
twenty thousand
hugs and you still
told me I looked
beautiful even
though we both
know it wasn't true.
And I can't
                    stop
                             smiling.
So, thank you.

I'm trying to figure out what
lie to tell you (I was sick I
worked late I lost track of
time) because I don't know
how to tell you it made me
physically ill to think I
would have to sit and watch
you be red-faced and in
love and about to start this
brave journey with a girl
who isn't me.

I want to get over
the sound of your
voice on that hilltop-
smooth and quiet
and gliding into my
stomach like the best
ice cream I've ever
had. My heart has
had so much
          t
          r
          o
          u
          b
­          l
          e
finding a hiding
place outside of
your mouth.

I wasn't prepared for your
kind of love. It made my
hands burn and my teeth
throb and my chest could
never fill all the way with
your smell- like cigarettes
and toothpaste and old
spice- and sometimes I
think I can feel you but
I'm always
      always
      always wrong and it's
never you. And I think
maybe that's okay.