i swore to myself
that a flick of the tongue
would never shelter self-hatred
so deeply embedded into the patchwork of my being.

contagion is a sad **** thing
and cycles seem to be an endlessly contributing factor
those who hurt cannot become hurt
and so we place our self-pity at the top of our priorities
disregarding emotion so carefully hidden in the fragile mind of others.
however there are few who's torment is only self-projected

i am one
an anathema that exists in silence

my past has been placed in a box full of secrets
along with the evidence of my self-mutilation
is there a way to keep my eyes shut and my dignity revealed?
this world is numb, and the apathy must be getting to me
because i would rather not feel a **** thing
than to be plagued by misery
from myself and the ones i love
however, emotions are not choices
and humans cannot be reprogrammed

it seems the pleas and slurs i leave in place of words
are what my familiars take to heart
bodies speak such complex languages
and not everyone has the patience
or the attentiveness
to listen to anything other than a cry

and although i warn
and beg for warmth
i receive only glaciers
and memories of faces
overwritten with impassivity
what i would give
to reach into the darkest parts of my soul
and rip out this sorrow
that has clung itself to the shadows of my psyche

in the depths of my worst memories
there is a wish
a want
a need
to take this heart of mine
and throw it to wolves
to be destroyed but desensitized
in my heart
is all my pity
my lust
my anger
my sadness
and sunshine darkened and gutted
so very long ago

the oceans have been speaking your name while i've rested in their embrace
lately you are not inside my heart as much as you are inside my veins
and i promise you the innocent memory of your shallow breaths will never leave here again
i am afraid of the creatures under my skin and the desire for my lips to echo sins
the fear creates illusions of its own and lets my demons leave their trails
on my tongue and in my heart
walls and broken glass will only do so much good
but those with a threshold for such deathless affliction shall always prevail
widened eyes widened sight and widened perception of what is what isn't and what must be
and you've proven these truths a million times
i've needed the sun here to repent
and shine light on what i've kept in the dark for so long
but i've realized that your eyes embed sunrises into the shadows of my being
and that your lips speak of enlightenment that i do not dare question
i've tested your endurance more than once
and every time you've proved that you will remain by my side
you said that i've been wounded but that i have not passed the point of mortality
and i've said it's felt this way for however long i can remember
and i've said my wrists have shown my stories and left the tribulations i've suffered
on my skin for you to read
and you kissed them clean
and lifted the weights they held
and in that moment i swear that i realized i've never felt so pure
as much as i have
with you

"you knew what was coming so why didn't you get out?
and why do words of love and dreams fall from your lips so much more than what i think is the truth?
what the **** is happiness?
and what is it you actually feel?
and why are you trying so hard to keep me in sight?
exactly how long do you need me here?
why are you different?
speak. for god's sake use your words when you need them
silence is for weak lungs and racing hearts"

i cannot begin to fathom why it is you're doing what you are doing
you only tell me of the ghosts that wander in the vessel of my body and how much they'd like to help me see my beauty
but there is no beauty and there are no ghosts
so why do you make me feel like there is?

i seem to only tread on broken ground
but now i am perplexed and you've left my truths unsettled
if i counted every vein and vessel that ran through your arms i swear you'd find a way to change the number the very next day

i suppose i've come to realize i've only been comfortable with drinking poison
and i've gone without water for so long that the taste's escaped my memory

and why do i care?
these toxic people did nothing but harm
it was right to make them leave,
but why did the confident remarks of "oh so holier than thou" only make the wound deeper?
if they left shouldn't i be happy? is that not the logic?
it seems not, as i am still attempting to lessen the rage in my heart
i am not as small as them and i will not act as such
but if i'm not then why do i care
why do i care
why do i care?!

oh, blood
spills so easily

i feel so much that now i cannot feel it at all
what should kitchen knives mean to me anymore?
what should my bounties of wonder pills do for me anymore?
how should spiteful breaths and contagious malice from friends and former lovers feel in my heart anymore?
i feel sick to the core but it cannot be purged

i will create and take shelter from further harm
four walls no doors no windows and no illusions
and yes i do understand what i am about to do
resistance only teaches a soul to repent
and sense of self will succumb to atrophy
but in all honesty why should it matter anymore?
why does it matter if i make one more dent in a totaled car?

thou only gets what thou dost earn,
and as of now i seem to have only earned four stages of grief and a shattered perception of right and wrong

all these are tangents only my mind has heard
and my lips shall maintain still waters
weak lungs and racing hearts can only drown
and what may lie at the bottom of the sea shall be my salvation

i closed up
and from the minute you kept me company i felt stardust on my skin but it was so cold and i feel so cold and i can't help but shake
i see cars crashing and i see shadows twitching with fear and with vice
and the energy that radiates from every living thing pierces my wellbeing
constantly
pervasively
i do understand when i say i understand, unfortunately
and i've understood much more than any human stricken with bliss has ever even acknowledged

shields can be beautiful things if you know how to use them
but alas i do not and i still end up getting hit

if there is an end then why am i still falling into this abyss even after everyone else has gotten out
i never caught up to the wonders of an uncluttered mind;
the only thing sound here is my ability to accept

i feel
i feel.
and that's the problem
emotions are purely transient things
and whether that should make me feel
sad
angry
happy
or
if i just shouldn't bother at all

no one wants to hear a thing you say unless they've heard it in their own heads before
and so i hold my breath as the air in the room is taken up by refractory lungs

maybe i shouldn't ask or maybe i shouldn't tell
but the unknown slices my skin with such ease when i feel it in your grip
i spilled my guts hoping you'd give me yours to fill me up again

all i am is chaos embodied in an empty cage of flesh and bone
and
i closed up
because all i am is an open book with a sad story that nobody ever wants to read again

i've seen oceans
commit atrocities
that have been washed away silently
i kept my mouth shut
and left the scenery
i swore i'd never return again

i regret.
i turn the clock back
i felt the waves come crashing in
i felt heavy hands
under my skin again
and i can't seem to shake the fear

i want to forget
but the water's clear
and all i can do is forgive
and i know
i shouldn't be so weak
because what good did it ever do in the end

i just want to forget
but i can't have that
because the water's clear and i can see myself again

in transit i lay still
the windows bend and ceilings mock the seas
faces move and their lips seem to stall

progress moves as egos laugh
and i still live in this crevice of a home
and of course the most terrifying things aren't real
but alas my vision's blocked by projections of demons under my bed

help me redirect my will
shadows are not scared of pills
i know now that words can ****
rip the cords out of my throat
i'm sick of sounding like a joke
hope i'm silenced, hope i choke

in transit i lay still—
sharp skin and syringes pierce my eyes
i never was one to put up a fight

progress moves as voices amass
and i could not care less for this ******* called home
and of course they say that only time can heal
but i, well i could have been dead by now

last time i felt sharp was when it cut my wrists
last time i lived was when i jumped ship
thought i knew better than to let stones break my bones,
but i guess i'm just dumb for leaving my limbs exposed
if i stayed here,
for a day or two,
do you think maybe then these knives could get through?
pray to whatever's in the sky for the courage to die
dear god, why do i even try

jaded hypocrite
you made your bed and now you lie in it
gagged and bound
self possession drowned
curiosity spellbound

spiral harder
do you ever wish you had a father?
lovely daughter
such a mouth and such a charmer

apparently made up of
cyanide and cosmic dust
such a way to feel unloved
the mirrors bleed disgust