One day
in the middle of class
while everyone was working
my eyes filled with tears
because I knew
they were thinking
about their work
or friends
but all I could think about
was how I’d much rather
be at the top of a building
about to jump

There’s a field full of bloomed flowers
Who grow after spring showers
The bright colors in hues
have become my muse
I see yellow ones
Sunflowers I presume
Yellow like the sun
Shining bright upon the flowers of the field
Yellow, the color of happiness
The smiles and laughter as we went through
The rows of yellow hues
I see blue ones
Violets, maybe
Blue like the rain
Pouring down upon the flowers of the field
Blue like the color of sadness
In a world full of  heartbroken cries
Depression, looms
In the rows of blue hues
I see red ones
Roses that are thorned
Red like the stop sign
That adorns the field of flowers
It warns to stop to avoid injury
Red like the blood dripping
From the sharp thorns that puncture
In the rows of red hues
In a field of flowers, I do stay
Hoping and dreaming my day away
Is it a sunflower type groove?
Or are violets the move?
But here I am, stuck upon the red
My thoughts are gone, empty is my head
I’m trapped in the rows of the red rose
The red hues followed by black crows
Waiting for the chance to strike
In the field of flowers a dandelion grows
Maybe I’ll pick it and blow
Make a wish to escape the row
Of red hue that haunt me everywhere I go

I want to believe that I’m happy.

I want to blend in,
not stick out,
not judged,
but loved.

I convinced everyone
of my thoughtful disguise,
of my pretending lies,
of the person I wish I was.

but here I am,
unable to hide from myself.
the truth unknown to all
but it haunts me.

Oh, to be good enough
without having to lie.
what a dream life
that would be..

Cold air blows through the trees
where I was hung,
despair between my eyes,
dark circular holes.
The rustling of the leaves
and people who just leave,
their cloaks and croaks of agony
as they watch me swing.
This type of hurt is like a
angry bee, it stings.
A feast began as my body rocked,
my flesh torn apart by those
sworn to do no such thing.
The warmth radiating off their bodies
as they blocked my hollow face,
watching as they swallow
every piece I had left.
I am no longer a person.
I gave my all and here
is where I ended,
just for people who
would never give
a second thought
about me.

It's no surprise that my happy place is sitting by the fountain
in the middle of the night, with no one around.
The feeling of drowning in everything going on around me
is somehow soothed by the flowing water at the fountain.
I don't have to worry about not being good enough for the fountain
as i throw in copper pennies and make wishes to be better,
to be able to get a gasp of air in once in a while
before i truly drown...
but it is just a fountain
what can it really do
for me?

feelings of drowning
with thoughts and images
pounding in my head
the steady stream
of words
“it’s okay”
“I’m fine”
“don’t worry”
no one knows
the urge to be dead
the better off
without me speech
can’t wrap it around their minds
you’re out of yours
and they’re wasting time
soon you’ll be gone
and once you go
there’s no coming back
no more
boohoos

I am sorry for all the nights I spent crying, only blaming you
you were just the scape goat, it was the easiest thing to do

I am sorry for carving into you with dull blades,
but I couldn't stand thinking you were not beautiful.

I am sorry for punching you when I was so angry
by just the sight of you, the harmless pieces of flesh
seemed like the easiest fight, the only one I could win.

I am sorry for leaving you empty of nutrience,
pretending not to hear you plea, I thought if maybe
you starved a little, it might make me pretty.

I am sorry for keeping you hidden away,
locked under layers for no one to see,
I thought if your flesh was showing,
no one would like me for me.

I am sorry for calling you names, thinking if you felt small,
you'd be small too, loving you in all your glory
wasn't something I was capable to do.

I am sorry for stuffing you in tight spandex
because I was afraid of seeing your lines, I thought if
everything was smooth, it would make me feel fine.

I am sorry for slapping away people's hands when
they touched over your ruffled skin,
it's taken me awhile to learn how not to flinch.

I am sorry for all the time I've spent villainizing you,
every inch, every bump and mark -
you didn't deserve to only be loved on in the dark.

Forgive,
Marrisa

The trees stand tall and silent,
their branches reaching for the sky.
A tapestry of greens and browns,
a sight that catches the eye.

Their leaves rustle in the breeze,
a symphony of sound and sway.
Their trunks are sturdy and strong,
a symbol of life and decay.

But in the shadows, they suffer,
a pain that we cannot see.
Their roots run deep beneath the earth,
a network of misery.

They feel the weight of the world,
a burden too heavy to bear.
Their leaves, a cover for the pain,
a mask that they cannot tear.

And in winter, they wither,
a tapestry of loss and grief.
Their leaves, a symbol of sorrow,
a sight that fills us with disbelief.

So let us mourn the trees that stand,
a symbol of suffering and pain.
A reminder of  the fragility of life,
a sight that fills us with disdain.

What can I say except
 "Thank you."
You pulled me from my corner
of depressing, self-hatred;
from my bubble of tears and lies.
I cannot express my gratitude.
You held me when all I
wanted was to cry out my eyes.
You told me it was going to be okay.
You told me you wouldn't stopped fighting
me for my own health.
You didn't shy away from the
ugly truth that I am.
You embraced the sad, small
creature that I am.

“I was drowning and he drained the water”

I call *******.
I was drowning and this sweet
dark haired hazel eyed boy came,
held my hand, told me he loved me
and was going to marry me some day
and then tied cement blocks to my feet,
threw me in the lake,
watched me drown
and laughed.

I’m drowning and I'm screaming,
begging for his help and
when I finally reach my hand for him to grab it,
he forces me back down
and smiles as he see me losing conscience.
In that moment with my head under water,
before l'm gone,
all I see is his **** smile.

He pulled me out,
just to be the one to
throw me back in.

When he agreed to be my rock,
I didn’t realize he meant
the one tied to my ankles,
weighing me down.

Now I'm expected to
untie the blocks
while I’m drowning.

The crushing weight of winter is weighing on me.
The fickle fellowship of fake friends
tearing tedious tiny tears in their throats
as they live, laugh and love together
with no thought of anyone else but them.
I was quieted from my inquiring questions,
made silent that drove me into madness.
I thought these were the ones that would ground me,
keep me from floating far from here
but I was mistaken once again,
made from the fruit of a fool
who thought those would protect me
that we would love, listen and learn
as we grow tremendously together.
My predestined placement paved a way
for loneliness, losing those I thought
cared for the community of those close.
Once again, I was wrongly wrote off
as if I was nothing, no one needed.
Here I am, wishing for a change.
A change in character, in chance, in choice.
Pick me, please, purposely protect and prepare me
for the perplexity of people's problems
and emotions that flow freely from their
mouths, mocking and mesmerizing me.

go ahead
put me down
tell me i'm a good girl
who had a good life
promise me lies
like this wont hurt
that you'll see me again
wipe away my tears with a smile
as you coo me
into my final slumber
put me under
and don't bring me back
you said i was
a ***** after all
so matter of fact
at least now
i can find peace
in a place where
you cant treat me
like a dog

You may see me struggle,
but you won't see me fall.
Regardless if I'm weak or not,
I'm going to stand tall.
Everyone says life is easy,
but truly living it is not.
Times get hard,
people struggle
and constantly get put on the spot.
I'm going to wear the biggest smile,
even though I want to cry.
I'm going to fight to live,
even though I'm destined to die.
And even though it's hard
and I may struggle through it all,
you may see me struggle...
but you will never see me fall.

You say you trust me but constantly spy on me
checking my location dozens of times a day
confronting me when every little movement doesn't add up
when I don't tell you exactly where I am
when I don't tell you my every single move
I can't breathe, I can't move
it feels like you're holding a pillow to my face
as I claw and kick at any limb I can catch
it's a battle between the two of us
seeing who will pass out first
who will give in and give up
You treat me as a child
even as we're both in our twenties
I don't need another deadbeat dad
telling me everything I'm doing wrong
nagging me for every decision I make
never believing in me,
criticizing every move I make
I don't need someone else
who is only proud to be seen with me
when it works best for them
acting like an overbearing mother
with a delinquent of a child
keeping me on a leash shorter than your temper
I am scared to make one wrong move
to finally rid myself
of this disease you call love

Fire is a dangerous weapon
as it spreads throughout the darkness
searing every inch of your whole being
I see the charred, smell the burning
but there's no amount of water
that will put out this fire
burning across my skin
leaving welts and blisters
the pain, oh, the pain
it relieves me, it reminds me
I am not numb
I feel the sting as it starts,
the humming in my ear as
the fire rises
as it spreads to places unknown,
an uncharted territory,
unfamiliar with this sensation
I can feel

I'm actually not doing okay right now.
I haven't ate in days -
just the thought of food makes me feel sick,
it honestly disgusts me.
I don't really know what to do.
I can't seem to go a day without these thoughts in my mind -
self-harm
self-hate
I enjoy seeing myself hurt.
I daydream about these types of things -
the razor blades slashing at my ankles
the sizzling, scorched skin under my fingertips
It is so hard to fight these urges, these desires.
I am so angry with myself.
I cannot stand the thought of who I am.
I cannot even look in the mirror
without crying and screaming.
I truly believe these thoughts that roam around my head  -
"you're worthless"
"you deserve to die"
"**** yourself"
"you'll never be good enough"
"no one loves you"
"just give up"
"why are you still here"
I don't recognize myself anymore.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
Who am I?
What is wrong with me?
Please, I just need someone to hear me,
someone to help me.
I cannot conquer these demons alone.
I cannot keep living like this
and why should I?

From the weeds that grow so wild,
a flower blooms, so meek and mild.
It rises up, so strong and true,
and shows the world what it can do.

With petals soft and colors bright,
it stands out in the morning light.
A symbol of hope, a sign of grace,
it brings a smile to every face.

From the Earth, it draws it power.
A beauty born from weeds that flower.
It reaches high, towards the sun,
and shows the world what can be done.

With each passing day, it grows,
and its beauty only further showers.
A symbol of strength, a sign of peace,
it brings the world a sweet release.

From the weeds that grew before,
a flower blooms and so much more.
It shows us all that beauty lies
in the places we least expect to find.

No one told me about this pain.
It's these emotions I am forced to contain.
These tears have fallen from my eyes like a steady rain.
Nothing can take back those nights I've cried
myself to sleep, my eyes never dried.
No one told me about this pain.
My feelings I cannot even explain.
To you, my heart was open wide.
I'm at the point where I feel nothing but shame
Because I thought you were going to be my guide.
You were supposed to take me so high,
bring me this peace that I could only try
to grasp in my small, defenseless hands.
If only I was warned about this pain.
With you is where I wanted to remain.
Now I have to continue on with a long stride,
where, in these endless tears, I slip and slide.
But these emotions I am forced to contain.
Please tell me our relationship was not in vain.
I hope to not regret having tried.
No one told me about this pain.
It's these emotions I am forced to contain.

you hit me but apologize
you say it'll never happen again
but yet here we are
this time it's worse
i feel like i cant breathe
that if i move too suddenly
then its my end
but you said you loved me
you said it'll never happen again
you say you forgive me?
you buy me flowers and chocolates
like those will cover me up
it was okay for a while
just a little screaming and shouting
nothing i couldn't handle
but that didn't last long
i don't know if i'll make it this time

afterall,
love and abuse often feel like the same thing

I am hollow and broken
I wonder what it feels like to be whole
I hear spine tingling scrapes across a whiteboard
I see blinding lights, an array of colors
I want to be normal

I am empty and in pieces
I pretend like everything is fine, never a dent in me because I shine
I feel numb like I’m stuck under an iced lake with no escape
I touch the goosebumps peppering across my arms that seem to never go away
I worry that I tarnish everything I touch
I cry as the world shatters around me, piercing me with the pieces
I am frozen and alone

I understand not everything is meant to be, maybe not I after all
I say it’s okay, everything is okay, but I lie
I dream that I would be taken out, that the world would stop spinning, that I will cease to exist
I try to be better, do better but it’s all in vain
I hope to be forgotten, a reminisce of a memory people cannot put together
I am done and gone

I learned a couples things
that took entirely way too long.
Some people enter your life for a reason,
whether they’re here to stay or go.
They all teach a lesson to help you grow.
Some change with the seasons,
blow away with the wind.
You never know a person
as well as you think you do.
I look around when the leaves turn,
a variety of colors
of people you will meet.
When I thought every bridge burned,
nothing but ash and forgotten pasts,
from friendships and relationships
that never last.
She pulls me out the rubble again,
time after time with no hesitation.
She holds on to me while everyone
disappears as quickly as they come.
My best friend.
Some people enter your life for a reason,
a lesson if you will.
But not her.
By her side, I fear not for those
who leave and chose to become
a lesson to learn.
She holds my hand and reminds
me I am enough, we are enough.
She’s my comfort when things
get rough, when my life is in rubble.
Together, we shield each other
from the chaos of life.
Some people blow away
like the wind but she stays,
my firm foundation in the storm
when every leaf flutters away.
She plants a seed of happiness
in me that we nurture every day.
My best friend. The one that stays.
The one I cannot live this life without.

Be happy?

That's easier said than done.
I cannot hide the overwhelming pain
coursing through my body at any given time.
I cannot paint a smile on my face
when I am out of hopeful colors.
I cannot just pretend to be happy
because it makes you feel uncomfortable
if I chose to have any other emotion
plastered on my face.
please do not tell me
how to feel
how to act
whom to be

growing up makes things dull
things aren't as fun anymore
they don't have the same feeling as they used to
almost as if when you were a kid
you were having the best high of your life
as it protects you from the real world
that is why when you grow up, life becomes dull
the high wears off and life becomes hard.. becomes real
you smoke to make you feel happy and protected
because now there is no protection
there is only you

I toss my pain with my wishes in a wishing well,
tarnishing the copper pennies that lie below,
promising empty wishes that will never come true.
I kiss the observe as the coin falls into the water,
splashing back a figment of my imaginary
world of good luck and hope.
I have to be careful what I wish for
when I toss the penny down the well,
because my wish
can become an internal hell.
The suffering is the same as on Earth
as it is in the afterlife.
There is no escaping the wish
leaving silently from my lips
as I hope to float to the bottom
of the wishing well.
There, I will become another
empty vow, void of the wims
and hopes and dreams of the little girl
I was always meant to be.
To sink to the bottom, silently,
to lay on the cool concrete well
that.. well.. is home.

I was so desperate to be loved that I grabbed you, holding you inside my heart
where you stuck out like splinters, hurting every time I felt anything, every time I breathed
I built my own coffin using all the memories I held of us, all the hurt with each ***** of the wood you purposeful shoved into me
like the thorns on a rose, there is no beauty without pain but why did I have to get stuck. Was it because I held on too long?
the trickles of rose red blood sliding down my finger, my hands - the same ones you held as you wished me well, wished me love and happiness you had no intention of providing
I plucked you from the bush but you stared at me with the same wilted look in your eyes as these flowers had when they reached their expiration date, when we reached our expiration date