I'm actually not doing okay right now.
I haven't ate in days -
just the thought of food makes me feel sick,
it honestly disgusts me.
I don't really know what to do.
I can't seem to go a day without these thoughts in my mind -
self-harm
self-hate
I enjoy seeing myself hurt.
I daydream about these types of things -
the razor blades slashing at my ankles
the sizzling, scorched skin under my fingertips
It is so hard to fight these urges, these desires.
I am so angry with myself.
I cannot stand the thought of who I am.
I cannot even look in the mirror
without crying and screaming.
I truly believe these thoughts that roam around my head  -
"you're worthless"
"you deserve to die"
"**** yourself"
"you'll never be good enough"
"no one loves you"
"just give up"
"why are you still here"
I don't recognize myself anymore.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
Who am I?
What is wrong with me?
Please, I just need someone to hear me,
someone to help me.
I cannot conquer these demons alone.
I cannot keep living like this
and why should I?

No one told me about this pain.
It's these emotions I am forced to contain.
These tears have fallen from my eyes like a steady rain.
Nothing can take back those nights I've cried
myself to sleep, my eyes never dried.
No one told me about this pain.
My feelings I cannot even explain.
To you, my heart was open wide.
I'm at the point where I feel nothing but shame
Because I thought you were going to be my guide.
You were supposed to take me so high,
bring me this peace that I could only try
to grasp in my small, defenseless hands.
If only I was warned about this pain.
With you is where I wanted to remain.
Now I have to continue on with a long stride,
where, in these endless tears, I slip and slide.
But these emotions I am forced to contain.
Please tell me our relationship was not in vain.
I hope to not regret having tried.
No one told me about this pain.
It's these emotions I am forced to contain.

I toss my pain with my wishes in a wishing well,
tarnishing the copper pennies that lie below,
promising empty wishes that will never come true.
I kiss the observe as the coin falls into the water,
splashing back a figment of my imaginary
world of good luck and hope.
I have to be careful what I wish for
when I toss the penny down the well,
because my wish
can become an internal hell.
The suffering is the same as on Earth
as it is in the afterlife.
There is no escaping the wish
leaving silently from my lips
as I hope to float to the bottom
of the wishing well.
There, I will become another
empty vow, void of the wims
and hopes and dreams of the little girl
I was always meant to be.
To sink to the bottom, silently,
to lay on the cool concrete well
that.. well.. is home.

I am hollow and broken
I wonder what it feels like to be whole
I hear spine tingling scrapes across a whiteboard
I see blinding lights, an array of colors
I want to be normal

I am empty and in pieces
I pretend like everything is fine, never a dent in me because I shine
I feel numb like I’m stuck under an iced lake with no escape
I touch the goosebumps peppering across my arms that seem to never go away
I worry that I tarnish everything I touch
I cry as the world shatters around me, piercing me with the pieces
I am frozen and alone

I understand not everything is meant to be, maybe not I after all
I say it’s okay, everything is okay, but I lie
I dream that I would be taken out, that the world would stop spinning, that I will cease to exist
I try to be better, do better but it’s all in vain
I hope to be forgotten, a reminisce of a memory people cannot put together
I am done and gone

Be happy?

That's easier said than done.
I cannot hide the overwhelming pain
coursing through my body at any given time.
I cannot paint a smile on my face
when I am out of hopeful colors.
I cannot just pretend to be happy
because it makes you feel uncomfortable
if I chose to have any other emotion
plastered on my face.
please do not tell me
how to feel
how to act
whom to be

Be aware

Of what is

Unacceptable and

Normalize saying no.

Do what is best for you

And know that it's not your

Responsibility to sacrifice

Yourself for others.

you hit me but apologize
you say it'll never happen again
but yet here we are
this time it's worse
i feel like i cant breathe
that if i move too suddenly
then its my end
but you said you loved me
you said it'll never happen again
you say you forgive me?
you buy me flowers and chocolates
like those will cover me up
it was okay for a while
just a little screaming and shouting
nothing i couldn't handle
but that didn't last long
i don't know if i'll make it this time

afterall,
love and abuse often feel like the same thing