i can't eat. i think it's because my heart got itself caught in my throat again. either that or my stomach found a way to keep the knots in place, after i spent so much time trying to unravel them. i've been like this since i last saw you. you see, when we last talked it took everything in my power to not fall apart in front of your face. my body was frozen over, except for the never ending earthquake in my chest. the hurt was trapped in my eyes and you just laughed and decided to look the other way. my voice must've been inaudible because the look on your face didn't match the words coming out of my mouth. if you heard me whisper my last i love you i'm sure you'd be broken too. you made me crumble, when your presence was the only place i felt any security. i was yours before you knew it. who else knows your mind like i do? i know your every move before you make it but my god i did not see this coming. if i may ask, did she kiss you like i did? now i think back to the times you'd come over and we'd sit in silence. it was those moments in your car when i used to think about what it'd be like to love you, how beautiful we could be. i thought that this would be different than the rest. my god i'm lost. i keep looking around but i can't find anyone. and **** i don't know what to do because it's on fire. this is really it. im in a crowded room and through the window i see it's burning and no one is looking im losing my voice but no one can ******* hear me so i'll scream until my face turns blue. my sky is falling. its engulfed in flame &  it shows no signs of stopping. someone please. ******* it anyone. help.

the day I didn't hear from you I didn't sleep. I guess I just needed to make sure you weren't awake feeling sad about this too. I couldn't let myself fall asleep knowing that my name didn't sit well on your mind. I didn't mean to let you go. I swear. I never wanted to give up. but when your best friend admitted to every lie you've told I felt something change. it was like a switch flipped. it was the dam breaking. it was like every time I told myself "he'd never do that" came knocking & I couldn't stop them from coming in. they told me I was wrong. that i couldn't keep defending the enemy. I couldn't stop myself from leaving. the damage was done before I got into your car. you lost me. and when you lost me I couldn't stop from losing myself. everything in my own head just led me back to you. it's a dead end. it's a road lined with gold but the *** holes are getting to be unavoidable. I've reached the end of the tunnel but there's no light. there's just you. everyone says I'm getting better. they cant believe how well I'm dealing with the breakup. but am I dealing with it at all? is coming over & leaving myself all over your lips really "dealing with it"? my dad said he's glad to see I'm not checking up on you anymore. im sure he'd be happy to know our hands still fit perfectly. he'd have to understand that when you kissed me, I realized you can run from your addictions. you can run but they'll always be yours. in your mind. in your veins. in your heart.

I like to pretend the storm that's been raging around me isn't man made, I like to think you're still sleeping on the other side of the bed, I always hope I wakeup to your lips instead of drunken phone calls & empty threats, I think about your hands more than I should and I think about nights in your bed more than I do anything else. I like to remember how you'd smile when you woke up & how you'd pull me closer while you were sleeping. I hope you know your steady breathing was the only thing keeping me sane. I see you in my dreams and I can feel you on my tongue. I wake up to a clenched jaw and grinding teeth, & missed calls from numbers I don't recognise with voices I don't remember. the only number I can remember is yours.

sometimes you gotta close you eyes before you hit the ground, it gives you the idea that maybe you won't be hitting the ground any time soon and maybe there's no ground to hit. maybe you'll fall forever or maybe you'll hit the ground with enough force to shake the pearly gates. If you keep your eyes open you can hit the ground running, running means leaving and leaving means starting over but after you starting over doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

I wish I could hold your heart in my hands and promise you that everything's going to be alright but my hands haven't seen "alright" since I was young enough to hope and dream that my dad would stop worshiping some God he'll  never meet and start worshiping his own flesh and blood, and I could fall in love with your eyes but that would mean staying and the windows have been showing my name in fogged glass for years, your body could be my home but I've been kicked out of every place I've called my home since I was 10 years old and I'm not sure i can handle another eviction notice written in my own blood. I could fall in love with you but you have to promise not to expect something you will never receive. I could promise you forever but forever has a tendency of running away before I can explain why I won't make a promise to someone who hasn't bolted the doors shut.

let just not talk, not because i don't miss your voice but because your eyes say what your mouth can't and I can hear your breathing, darling. I can hear your mind change when you look at my hands, constantly reaching for your heart but you back away every time I inch closer. I can feel your heart race when you look into my eyes but you keep your hands in your pockets. you keep your desires in the back of your mind while logic takes over.

if I knew that was the last night you'd touch me, the last time I'd hear you say my name with traces of love and regret in your voice, the last time I'd have the pleasure of holding your hand or kissing you with cracking lips I would've held on longer. I would've kiss you harder, more passionately. I would've left my heart on your lips and my fingerprints on your neck. I would've held you in a way that made her body feel like your worst childhood memory. if we had more time I would've told you everything. I shouldn't have been scared to love you, I shouldn't have wanted to take you from her but ****, laying on my floor wrapped in your arms made me believe in God. it made my worst fears fade and my eyes shine. before you, I never let anyone in. I know you were hers and in a sense, always will be hers, but admitting that I wanted you that night was the best decision I've ever made. staying up all night, with our bodies inching closer together was the most intimate situation I've ever been in. Intimate in a way that made me feel naked, even though neither of us would dare to take our clothes off because we were too scared of someone finding us. I looked at you and I didn't have to feel insecure that you were looking back. I'd like to believe that you loved me the same as I to you, but we both know that isn't the case. I know you're wrapped up in her, but the moments you were mine were breath taking.  those moments made me whole, watching you love her is what broke me.