I don't think I've ever wanted to die so much.
what am I supposed to do without the one I love.
you're gone without a trace
you're someone I could never replace.
I could **** myself so effortlessly
the only reason I haven't so far is because you were in love with me.
I'm sorry for being so dumb
I can't believe I did it again
I **** everything up
I'm such a failure at everything I do
and I'm so sorry that I failed at loving you

I can't stop shaking, and it's because you're leaving my bones.
I used to be your everything.
now you can't even call me your own
it was your call, to stay or go
and I should've ******* known that given the opportunity, you'd leave me even though you made me believe I was your home.
you've broken my heart before, so this is really nothing new.
even though you ruined me
I still let myself love you.
I can't believe you left, wait no. yes I can. you're no different from before, you just leave without realising what you have.
You told me I was everything you've been looking for, and leaving was your biggest regret, but if half of that was true then why are you making me seem like if you could do it over, that message, you would've never sent
I love you, more than you'll ever know. you leaving isn't a surprise. just know any feelings I have towards you cannot be pinned on other guy

i can't live without you.
it's just not possible.
I know you're terribly mad right now
and I'm sorry for being such a fuvk up
I love you more than life itself.
and I go crazy at the thought of you and someone else
you're my world and I love everything about you. I've come to realise I can't even breathe without you.
you're so perfect and I've fallen in love with all your flaws.
even though I make you really mad. you're the best thing that's ever happened to me and you're all I want to have.
I want to spend the rest of my life locked up in your arms.
and I want you to know you make me feel my best, you keep me safe from any harm.
I love you more than words can allow me to express.
and you're the only person I want to see me undress.
love can't even describe what I feel towards you, you make me happier each day. I love you more than I love myself, I'm so in love with you babe, so baby please don't go away.

my tears are turning into acid rain. they fall from my eyes, burn holes into my skin and the venom seeps into my veins, you flow through my blood and get caught in my main arteries and maybe if I carve them out I can finally be free from your haunting lips and I can feel my body convulsing, as I remember your touch, and I tremble with tears bc I know I was never enough, you're my main priority and I'm your second choice, you're the words I cannot speak when I can't find my voice, you're the clouds that bring nothing but thunder and rain but you're also the sunlight that brings light to my pain and while some people keep going for the light at the end of the tunnel, I keep going  because of the light in your eyes and that's something I've only just noticed even after all this time

I'm sorry. I'm so ******* sorry. I love you, and I'm sorry for that too. I'm insane, but you probably figured that out by now. I get so sad sometimes and I haven't a clue why, and I'm sorry I can't give you a straight answer. I'm so lost, I hate myself for everything I've ever put you through because you deserve so much better than me. I mean come on. I'm crazy. I'm so flawed and you can't see it, or maybe you choose not to. I get upset so easily and I take it out on you and I'm so ******* sorry for that too. it's not your fault. it doesn't have anything to do with you, it's a flaw in my genes and you help take it away. I'm sorry for not being who you want, I'm sorry for going crazy at the drop of a dime. I can't help it babe. I love you. I get mad for the stupidest reasons and you don't know that the aftermath of this war we constantly find our way into tears me limb from ******* limb. I can't breathe because you take my breath away and I just want you to be there. I want you to be there no matter what and I don't want to ask for help because when I ask I feel weak and I'm supposed to be strong for you and for us and for everyone. I can't show you that I'm dying because you'll blame yourself and it's got nothing to do with you. I hide all my feelings from everyone and I'm getting really sick of it honestly. I just feel like I can't open up to you because you'll see who I really am and you'll leave. like everyone else. and you left before and it was so ******* easy. how. why. I needed you. I loved you. I gave you my everything and you threw it back in my face. that killed me. you ruined me in ways you'll never know about.  I'm so scared to trust you, you're my world but I'm so scared to let you in again because of your past. I'm so terrified of being abandoned because you can find someone who's so much better than me and you will, and she'll be perfect in every way that I'm not and she'll treat you the way you deserve to be treated and I won't be able to fix it, again. and love, I know I'm pushing you away but I don't mean to. I can't lose you. I'm so scared. I'm so sorry. I'm terrified to love you because I'm so sick of being hurt. I always hurt. always. no matter what I say or do I'll always be thinking of how easily you hurt me. and I'm so sorry for that. I'm sorry I can't get over it. I tried. I've been trying since November. I'm still trying today. I care about you and your well being a billion times more than you could ever care about me. and I want to open up to you, I want to tell you everything. I want so bad to let you into my world because maybe you'd understand why I'm so ****** up. but you don't care. and if I told you, you'd probably laugh in my face to be honest. I tried to tell you about my dad, but you don't care as much as you should I won't even show this to you because if I did you probably wouldn't want to read it because it's so ****** long. but I have a lot on my mind that I could never say to your face and I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry I'm not worth it. I'm not worth anything. I just want to die. it's taking all my ******* self control not to cut, and I want to so ******* bad. and I'm sorry for that too. I won't do it because I love you and I can't stand hurting you. but I'm sorry for wanting to hurt myself. I deserve it.

if I have another dream about you, my brain might just rot from the inside out, because in my dreams I go through every memory you've probably forgotten about.

If I have another dream about you,
shame on me for wishing it to come true. you're gone and I seriously need to learn how to survive without you

If I have another dream about you,
I'll finally go insane, but these dreams without you aren't even dreams, they're nightmares and I'm still waiting for that one day this will change.

If I have another dream about you,
I can guarantee you'll never know, that I miss you a lot more than I've lead on and I'm having a troubled time letting you go.

If I have another dream about you,
I'll be forced to accept the fact you'll never come back and that's for the best. Nothing about us would change and you'll soon realise I was the one you should've chose over the rest

My mind is a canvas spread with every colour you've thrown at me. I want to paint you a picture darling, of everything that you made me feel. Ive spent hours crying and laying in bed trying to believe they were all words you never meant. Ive spent days wanting you and craving your touch, and I've spent even more trying to find the words to explain just enough. you need to know how much I care about you and how highly you stand in my mind and how much your words can affect me but before everything else how much I want to be by your side. I want to be planted in your bed darling, where well spend the rest of our days. not giving a care as to what comes our way. You don't understand how badly I want you here and how bad I want to know undoubtedly that I'm all yours and you're all mine. because you already take up 105% of my mind. Your words are etched into my being and I haven't a complain I'm the world, because I know that I'm you're only girl. I can't say no to you babe, because you make me happier than I could ever be on my own. I try to be perfect and I try not to be weird but sometimes you just say the words I've been wanting to hear.  You're shy as hell but I don't care because I don't need words to know that you want me baby, I already know that you're there. You'll never see this and it's too bad because maybe you'll never know, you're everything I need and all I ever wanted to have.