i’m wounded. I can’t tell where or how bad it is but there’s blood and, a lot of it. i think this is called shock. there’s no way this is real. there’s no way you’re holding the knife. there’s no way i’m still finding comfort in your sick and twisted smile. those hands were just on my thighs. those hands just engulfed my entire being, and then ripped a piece of me to take with. In all reality, i  didn’t know i had anything left to give. With you i go. No questions asked. You could (and have) led me through hell, i had no idea that it’d be up to me and me alone,  to lead us both back. (i wouldn’t change a thing) where did you go? i can still feel your lips on my skin. a nightmare that i never want to stop, i don’t even know when it began. We were euphoric. Too good to be true. i gave you all i had left. I’m sorry. I’ll take it back. I’m not your burden to hold.  F*, i I never thought you’d decide i was too much for you.

Where did you go?
Theres someone still here next to me
your lips are burnt into the skin on my cheek
but you’re not here anymore.
I don’t know who this imposter thinks he is.
he looked like you, he tastes like you, his hands find mine just the same but there’s something wrong.
i didn’t know soon could ever be this long.
the novelty has warn off.
yeah, i got what i wanted, or so i thought

why do you insist on feeding me lies?
do you really think i’ll believe them? Do you understand the extent of what i went through with that last guy?
It was horrible.
the darkest part of my life.
Also the most informative, the torture gifted me the most useful kind of knife.
I am so much more prepared that you know,
and baby i’m not talking about the fight.
it doesn’t happen often but this is one of the few times
i wish i wasn’t always right.
I don’t know why i believe you when you say you’ll come back. & you do it every time.
i wait and wait; and wait.
why do you insist on keeping the hope alive? it was barely present to begin with.
So many times
you could have easily just ended the misery, learned how to court with honesty.
let each of our discomfort die.

I wish I could hold your heart in my hands and promise you that everything's going to be alright but my hands haven't seen "alright" since I was young enough to hope and dream that my dad would stop worshiping some God he'll  never meet and start worshiping his own flesh and blood, and I could fall in love with your eyes but that would mean staying and the windows have been showing my name in fogged glass for years, your body could be my home but I've been kicked out of every place I've called my home since I was 10 years old and I'm not sure i can handle another eviction notice written in my own blood. I could fall in love with you but you have to promise not to expect something you will never receive. I could promise you forever but forever has a tendency of running away before I can explain why I won't make a promise to someone who hasn't bolted the doors shut

i don’t know what happened here. suddenly i have no clue where we are. i swore you stood next to me just one second ago, now you feel as far as the stars. i’ll gladly dance among them with you, if it’s something you would want. i don’t think that’s the case, i don’t know what happened here, truthfully i think i’m finally going insane. i’ll admit im distraught by your change of pace. and i hate that instead of leaving, i am constantly searching for comfort in the pain

& really, do you even mean what you say? why do we feel like a trap, you were never supposed to be a prison stay. in all actuality you freed me. i mean, at least that’s what i used to think. now i guess i just feel used. finding myself wanting to go back to the forgotten days. how'd i ever let it get this far? hell, where do i begin? your smile. your lips. a promise, never to be fulfilled. an ache, a need, a dismissed agenda. words cannot express the pain that forms when you say you don’t remember. is there something that i missed? i can’t help myself from going back. i voluntarily drown in our memories. you fill my lungs, take my breath, you can keep everything that’s left.

i don’t know why i haven’t grown tolerance to this pain. this habit. i’m totally self aware. i don’t want it to end. it still hurts just as much as it did a year ago. we were better a year ago. this aches in every way i never wanted it to. i don’t know why i can’t let go of something i was never even fully trusted to hold onto. it’s an illusion. why do you always leave the door open when you leave? while we’re at it, could you tell me just how many shared laughs we need to complete our prophecy?
& honey, wait,
is that really what you mean?
please baby,
just ******* spell it out for me.
I never thought i could be this tired. this weak. you’ve left me as a fragment of the woman i used to be.