i don’t know what happened here. suddenly i have no clue where we are. i swore you stood next to me just one second ago, now you feel as far as the stars. i’ll gladly dance among them with you, if it’s something you would want. i don’t think that’s the case, i don’t know what happened here, truthfully i think i’m finally going insane. i’ll admit im distraught by your change of pace. and i hate that instead of leaving, i am constantly searching for comfort in the pain

& really, do you even mean what you say? why do we feel like a trap, you were never supposed to be a prison stay. in all actuality you freed me. i mean, at least that’s what i used to think. now i guess i just feel used. finding myself wanting to go back to the forgotten days. how'd i ever let it get this far? hell, where do i begin? your smile. your lips. a promise, never to be fulfilled. an ache, a need, a dismissed agenda. words cannot express the pain that forms when you say you don’t remember. is there something that i missed? i can’t help myself from going back. i voluntarily drown in our memories. you fill my lungs, take my breath, you can keep everything that’s left.

i don’t know why i haven’t grown tolerance to this pain. this habit. i’m totally self aware. i don’t want it to end. it still hurts just as much as it did a year ago. we were better a year ago. this aches in every way i never wanted it to. i don’t know why i can’t let go of something i was never even fully trusted to hold onto. it’s an illusion. why do you always leave the door open when you leave? while we’re at it, could you tell me just how many shared laughs we need to complete our prophecy?
& honey, wait,
is that really what you mean?
please baby,
just ******* spell it out for me.
I never thought i could be this tired. this weak. you’ve left me as a fragment of the woman i used to be.

I woke up to the rose colored glasses being welded to my head. The pain is excruciating and i can’t remember, but according to the paperwork i asked for this. I willingly walked into this life. I refuse to leave. Why would i? Each time reality catches up to crack my perfect view, it’s fixed without me ever having to even ask. I try to see through the break. Please don’t think your other life goes unnoticed. I’m more aware to the deep and dark reality than you’d think i am, but i prefer to ignore it when I’m around you too. Our world is so much better. We’re on a downward spiral, in every way imaginable. I have never felt more safe. I have never felt more cheated in all my life. Why couldn’t you forewarn me just how good deception would taste laced with your spit? Some type of heads up that i’d become addicted to the way we feel skin on skin. if we can make it down this far, why couldn’t we go up too? It wouldn’t be easy, all of this has been so difficult. You’d only have to want to.

and id rather stay up all night trying my best to taste the drugs like on they did your lips than try to fall asleep without listening to your breathing. i was always the one to flirt with disaster and the forest fire that came with your embrace wasn’t as painful as it was dealing with the aftermath. when it was in full force, i couldn’t help but focus on the flame. the beautiful reds and orange were such a great distraction from the damage. i couldn’t focus on how much it hurt because i was so caught up in the beauty of watching my body being engulfed. it didn’t take long for you to work you way through my chest and into my heart. the way you spread through my veins was unforgettable, the burning sensation crept through my muscles and bled into my bones. you subliminally showed me that there wasn’t a happy ending to this, but i was lost in your voice. you were lost in yourself. my mind couldn’t comprehend anything due to the fact that every time you said i love you had singed the way i think. Since you left it’s been getting harder to sleep, there hasn’t been a night that i haven’t seen your face in my dreams. ill admit there’s been a couple nights i haven’t slept at all. i guess the truth is that i’m scared of waking up alone after id opened my eyes just to see yours so many times. they always look brighter when you first wake up. the sunlight that shown through the curtains always fell on your face just the right way, but your lips were my favorite part. the soft kisses with sleepy lips left me speechless. The way you held me tighter while i slept was only comparable to things you see in movies. even after all you did to hurt me, i still believe that i’d feel safest in your arms.

I wish we could live in a world where everything wasn’t so difficult. Maybe then our love wouldn’t be confined to the small space next to the closet. Your lips could take their time and work with precision instead of sloppily trying to memorize the way mine move. Maybe then it wouldn’t be so hard to say my thoughts out loud. I can see the wall spinning and the room crashing. I can see the way your eyes
light up, but also how they dim. Her hands won’t tever feel the way mine do, and I know that you’d never give this a second thought but **** why wouldn’t you? There’s more to life than empty bottles and safe love. You speak of passion and soft gestures but you act as if that’s never been an option. You love as if the bottom won’t fall out, as if i didn’t spend that night cleaning glass off of the floor. You won’t feel anything that you did in those 55 seconds unless you let your complex go.