I woke up to the rose colored glasses being welded to my head. The pain is excruciating and i can’t remember, but according to the paperwork i asked for this. I willingly walked into this life. I refuse to leave. Why would i? Each time reality catches up to crack my perfect view, it’s fixed without me ever having to even ask. I try to see through the break. Please don’t think your other life goes unnoticed. I’m more aware to the deep and dark reality than you’d think i am, but i prefer to ignore it when I’m around you too. Our world is so much better. We’re on a downward spiral, in every way imaginable. I have never felt more safe. I have never felt more cheated in all my life. Why couldn’t you forewarn me just how good deception would taste laced with your spit? Some type of heads up that i’d become addicted to the way we feel skin on skin. if we can make it down this far, why couldn’t we go up too? It wouldn’t be easy, all of this has been so difficult. You’d only have to want to.

and id rather stay up all night trying my best to taste the drugs like on they did your lips than try to fall asleep without listening to your breathing. i was always the one to flirt with disaster and the forest fire that came with your embrace wasn’t as painful as it was dealing with the aftermath. when it was in full force, i couldn’t help but focus on the flame. the beautiful reds and orange were such a great distraction from the damage. i couldn’t focus on how much it hurt because i was so caught up in the beauty of watching my body being engulfed. it didn’t take long for you to work you way through my chest and into my heart. the way you spread through my veins was unforgettable, the burning sensation crept through my muscles and bled into my bones. you subliminally showed me that there wasn’t a happy ending to this, but i was lost in your voice. you were lost in yourself. my mind couldn’t comprehend anything due to the fact that every time you said i love you had singed the way i think. Since you left it’s been getting harder to sleep, there hasn’t been a night that i haven’t seen your face in my dreams. ill admit there’s been a couple nights i haven’t slept at all. i guess the truth is that i’m scared of waking up alone after id opened my eyes just to see yours so many times. they always look brighter when you first wake up. the sunlight that shown through the curtains always fell on your face just the right way, but your lips were my favorite part. the soft kisses with sleepy lips left me speechless. The way you held me tighter while i slept was only comparable to things you see in movies. even after all you did to hurt me, i still believe that i’d feel safest in your arms.

I wish we could live in a world where everything wasn’t so difficult. Maybe then our love wouldn’t be confined to the small space next to the closet. Your lips could take their time and work with precision instead of sloppily trying to memorize the way mine move. Maybe then it wouldn’t be so hard to say my thoughts out loud. I can see the wall spinning and the room crashing. I can see the way your eyes
light up, but also how they dim. Her hands won’t tever feel the way mine do, and I know that you’d never give this a second thought but **** why wouldn’t you? There’s more to life than empty bottles and safe love. You speak of passion and soft gestures but you act as if that’s never been an option. You love as if the bottom won’t fall out, as if i didn’t spend that night cleaning glass off of the floor. You won’t feel anything that you did in those 55 seconds unless you let your complex go.

i can't eat. i think it's because my heart got itself caught in my throat again. either that or my stomach found a way to keep the knots in place, after i spent so much time trying to unravel them. i've been like this since i last saw you. you see, when we last talked it took everything in my power to not fall apart in front of your face. my body was frozen over, except for the never ending earthquake in my chest. the hurt was trapped in my eyes and you just laughed and decided to look the other way. my voice must've been inaudible because the look on your face didn't match the words coming out of my mouth. if you heard me whisper my last i love you i'm sure you'd be broken too. you made me crumble, when your presence was the only place i felt any security. i was yours before you knew it. who else knows your mind like i do? i know your every move before you make it but my god i did not see this coming. if i may ask, did she kiss you like i did? now i think back to the times you'd come over and we'd sit in silence. it was those moments in your car when i used to think about what it'd be like to love you, how beautiful we could be. i thought that this would be different than the rest. my god i'm lost. i keep looking around but i can't find anyone. and **** i don't know what to do because it's on fire. this is really it. im in a crowded room and through the window i see it's burning and no one is looking im losing my voice but no one can ******* hear me so i'll scream until my face turns blue. my sky is falling. its engulfed in flame &  it shows no signs of stopping. someone please. ******* it anyone. help.

the day I didn't hear from you I didn't sleep. I guess I just needed to make sure you weren't awake feeling sad about this too. I couldn't let myself fall asleep knowing that my name didn't sit well on your mind. I didn't mean to let you go. I swear. I never wanted to give up. but when your best friend admitted to every lie you've told I felt something change. it was like a switch flipped. it was the dam breaking. it was like every time I told myself "he'd never do that" came knocking & I couldn't stop them from coming in. they told me I was wrong. that i couldn't keep defending the enemy. I couldn't stop myself from leaving. the damage was done before I got into your car. you lost me. and when you lost me I couldn't stop from losing myself. everything in my own head just led me back to you. it's a dead end. it's a road lined with gold but the *** holes are getting to be unavoidable. I've reached the end of the tunnel but there's no light. there's just you. everyone says I'm getting better. they cant believe how well I'm dealing with the breakup. but am I dealing with it at all? is coming over & leaving myself all over your lips really "dealing with it"? my dad said he's glad to see I'm not checking up on you anymore. im sure he'd be happy to know our hands still fit perfectly. he'd have to understand that when you kissed me, I realized you can run from your addictions. you can run but they'll always be yours. in your mind. in your veins. in your heart.

I like to pretend the storm that's been raging around me isn't man made, I like to think you're still sleeping on the other side of the bed, I always hope I wakeup to your lips instead of drunken phone calls & empty threats, I think about your hands more than I should and I think about nights in your bed more than I do anything else. I like to remember how you'd smile when you woke up & how you'd pull me closer while you were sleeping. I hope you know your steady breathing was the only thing keeping me sane. I see you in my dreams and I can feel you on my tongue. I wake up to a clenched jaw and grinding teeth, & missed calls from numbers I don't recognise with voices I don't remember. the only number I can remember is yours.