my tears are turning into acid rain. they fall from my eyes, burn holes into my skin and the venom seeps into my veins, you flow through my blood and get caught in my main arteries and maybe if I carve them out I can finally be free from your haunting lips and I can feel my body convulsing, as I remember your touch, and I tremble with tears bc I know I was never enough, you're my main priority and I'm your second choice, you're the words I cannot speak when I can't find my voice, you're the clouds that bring nothing but thunder and rain but you're also the sunlight that brings light to my pain and while some people keep going for the light at the end of the tunnel, I keep going  because of the light in your eyes and that's something I've only just noticed even after all this time

never come to me for advice
because if I were you,
I wouldn't want to listen to me anyways.
I've been through hell and back but my stories aren't worth telling, and when my stories bleed, they bleed heartbreak and disaster, there won't be a "lesson learned" at the end of this chapter.
constant recovery and constant aching for more, I could advise you on how to give yourself away to someone who doesn't love you, but I couldn't give you any help with the pain that comes along with unrequited love
and I could tell you of my grandmothers laugh, I could tell you all about my childhood and how I spent it waiting for a man who would never come back.
I never knew what love was, I only knew what you told me it was supposed to be, but you seemed to have confused it with lust, because whatever love you had only was talked about when you were laying over me.
I could tell you countless amount of stories, but do not come to me for advice.

I saw you last night.
you were standing across the room, but I couldn't stop looking at you long enough to tell myself to move my feet.
I touched you last night.
you must've noticed my twitching palm and because you know me so well, you knew it was because of how uncomfortable I get when you stare.
I held you last night.
for the first time in eight months I was lucky enough to breathe you in and my god you still smell the same as you did the day you told me you couldn't love me anymore. I was too much. of what I don't know but maybe it was because I refused to give myself up for you time and time again.
I kissed you last night.
I think it killed me.
my lips haven't felt that much sadness since you kissed me with tears on your cheeks and blood on my wrist. your voice echoing in my head "why did you do this, oh my god why did you do this, please don't do this again. I'm begging you please baby stop"
you were mine last night.
for the short time we were together, there was no one else.
I wouldn't dare give my attention to anything besides your hand on my thigh. I couldn't possibly move mine from you neck. I was bonded to you in a way I haven't experienced since I gave you my innocence.
I woke up this morning.
cursed myself for dreaming about you once again. I pressed my hands to my mouth and repeated over and over
"you are not mine
you were never mine
you never will be mine.
I was never yours.
I will never be yours."

letters were created so humans can communicate, so a person knows exactly what another person is feeling. There are 26 letters in the english alphabet. I've been trying for days, but I cannot arrange those letters in a way that explains how I feel about you. there are endless possibilities but I'm at a loss for words. a lot of people would say it's love. even more would say it's lust, but I don't want you to touch me. I don't want to spend time memorising the way your eyes constantly shift from mine to hers. I don't want to think about your arm around her waist every single night before you fall asleep. I don't want to love. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be so wrapped up in you, I forget you're already wrapped up in her. I get so high at the thought of holding your hand, but remembering your hand belongs to her is the quickest way to sink.

when I was young I thought at 15 I'd have a countless amount of friends and I'd be at every party there was, awake till 5 am with a boy who loved my soul just as much as I loved his eyes, sneaking out every night with people I didn't know and laughing until breathing became a chore. I never thought I'd be spending my nights alone in bed wondering if I'd ever stop getting lost in my own head, wishing I could think of myself as someone who was able to conquer my fears and take on the world. with clenched fists and blood shot eyes, screaming out every word that was ever thrown at me to make me feel anything less than alive. the jumbled thoughts so sloppily written down just so I could get them somewhere they wouldn't hurt me anymore. taking way too many painkillers so I could just sleep but no, it was never that ******* easy.

So many pencil sharpeners, all missing their blades.
So many possible was, but bleeding has become my escape.

I cut myself tonight.
5 new scars trail along my hip.
You're so lucky I'll be alive tomorrow
because if it were up to me the words I just spoke to you would be the last escaping my lips.

I'm sorry that this is how I think.
but with every word and action you throw my body forms a new line
filling up the tissue with a darker shade of pink.

One day I'll do it.
I'll take away all your pain.
I'll do it one day I promise you babe.
but that day won't be today

I go insane at the sound of your voice,
and with every word you breathe it's no longer a choice.
I have to be yours and you have to be mine. this has become the way I want to spend my life
I'll be hurt at points and yes, so will you. but I'm hoping you think I'm worth the pain, because I know I do.
it's worth the tears and aching heart to be able to call you mine. I'll be happy to kiss you all over, knowing you're not all in.
I'll drive myself crazy thinking of you and her.
I'll die loving you because you'll be driving my hurse

I see your eyes in the stars
your smile in the moon.
I see your face in the clouds
and my heart always with you.

If your first kiss doesn't feel like the galaxy is creating new asteroids from the stardust that formed when you first held his hand, or if it doesn't feel like the comets are flying across the sky and crashing into your heart as you stare into his eyes then you should run away from that boy because he's kissed so many girls that even the sky remembers his lips.

there's this pain in my chest and it's been there since the day you left an I think it's because I know I'll never be able to call you mine again.

my hands are empty and so is my heart because with every breath you take next to her it tears my world apart.

I've cried you a river, and it leads to the ocean that you said you'd cross to be with me.

you promised you'd never leave, that your heart was mine to keep,
but words are just words, you never meant them anyway

I could apologise until my mouth bleeds but none of it would matter because you're already so far gone from me.
when you see my wrist, please don't ask why, because you already know that I'm dying inside.
and if I'm sad again, please don't ask. it's because I've ruined us and I'm killing myself under this mask.
I haven't eaten in days and I can't stop crying for you, I've been sad before but I don't think I've ever wanted to die so much because I'm losing you.
why can't you see that this disaster I've cause is slowly killing me?
I know it's all my fault, you don't have to remind me. I've always hated myself but it's gotten so much worse as of lately.
you keep telling me I'm not the same person anymore, you make it seem like I did it I'm purpose so I could watch you walk out the door.
then you ask why I tore my skin, if you must know it's an attempt to speak all the words and emotion I've been hiding within.
maybe you're right, I'm not the same girl amymore

You're right.

I've turned into a suicidal teenage *****

I do not know how to combine the 26 letters I am given,  in a way to make you understand how much I need your essence.
there is no combination that comes close to explaining how much I need your love.
the feelings pump through my heart but there's no way to spill them on the paper, believe me. I've tried.
I've tried countless times to show you that you're the one, but words don't seem to be enough.
the lines on that are etched into my body are the results of failed attempts to make you understand.
my heart aches and my body is sore from you attempting to break me with the words you murmur. they slip through your beautiful lips laced with poison and as slide through my head and climb down my throat they twist and tangle my stomach into knots. I spend my days in bed crying on and off because you don't want to be mine anymore. you know that I'm not strong enough to let you go.

I lay down and try to get you out of my head.  I can't help but toss and turn. ******* it  i wish I could stop thinking about your hands long enough for me to regain my sanity but when you touch me its something I haven't felt in months.
I haven't felt in months.
I haven't felt anything in months.
either I feel too much or I don't feel at all there is no happy medium but all I've been feeling lately is the absence of you. but you're not mine to feel in the first place so all these words and pictures and moments that are running through my head don't mean anything because in the end your touch belongs to her. I'll keep you my favorite secret and you'll keep me hiding in the wings

every time I see you my heart falls to the floor and I get a rush of energy but after I think of you I'm drained. I'm so emotionally exhausted and all I want to do is cry. I want to **** you and kiss you at the same time and i ******* hate myself for it. I wonder what it would be like to kiss you again. just one more time. would it feel foreign? or would it be just the same. the same two lips that kissed me while I was crying and kissed me when I was quiet but more so when I was laughing. would I be able to taste that smile like I used to? would your hands pull me closer? would your arms lock me in place because my knees are far too weak to hold me up? I can't say that I want you, because God knows I don't. but I'd like to remember how you feel against me for just a minute. how it feels to be loved, or at least what I mistook for love. I don't know what love is. I don't think I ever have. Love is not crying at 3 am because you're terrified of what comes when you wake up the next day. Love is not a handful of pills just to stop the hurt. Love is not her kiss. Love is not what you made me think it was. Love is not reaching over to find your no longer there. Love is not taking. Love is not Lust.

I write poems without titles because I cannot find a single word that even begins to express the letters that my pen so effortlessly burns Into this paper. maybe I should name them all after you because the flame that rises from my heart gets caught in my throat and give me a sensation that reminds me of your kiss and I can't seem to spit it out
your name cannot escape my lips, believe me I've tried to get it out but it sends a shockwave throughout the 7 million nerves that inhabit my body and it reminds me of how I felt when your lips kissed my stained wrists and whispered that you'd never stray from my side and you'd never be able to say goodbye but look where we are today. you always promised you'd be there but where the hell are you while I'm going through all of this because it hurts a lot more than I thought and I'm so concerened about this never ending story I haven't taken the time to read inbetween the lines and make my own self hatred stop

yes I know you hate me and all but I wish you'd refrain from using my insides to clean up your mess bc I've been trying to rid you from my body for weeks and nothing seems to work anymore and i just wish I could feel your fingers intertwined with mine or to feel your cold lips brush against my own once again but that'll never happen considering you left along with all our empty promises which you made me believe you'd never break.

volcanos form at the end of my wrist, erupting with every glide of the blade.
The lava flows and doesn't stop, but this time I'm not afraid
When I put water on the spot of red, it burns just as lava should. but it's not enough to make me dead.
I close my eyes and take another swipe and because this one is finally deep enough, it'll all be alright.
I open my eyes and look out the window at the many stars. then down at my many scars.  
I look at the sky, saying my last goodbye, I slip off into the night.

I want to die, I want to bleed, I want to choke, I want to be deceased.
I want to smoke, I want to cut, I should probably stop, before I'm done.
I want to drink, I want to drown, I want to fly, and never come down.
I want to sleep, and not wake up. I want to **** myself, I should probably shut up.
I want to hang myself, I want to overdose, I want to swallow the pills, until my throat will close.
I want you to see how bad it really is
i want you to actually give a ****.
I want you to care about me as much as I care about you, maybe then I wouldn't want all the things that I do.

you've hurt me in ways unexplainable by words,
but you're still my sky my stars, you're my whole ******* world
I feel your fingertips glide along my blood stained hip while I ruin my complexion with yet another rip.
I'll never be good enough but I'll let you continue to **** me
i lay in bed and think about all the things that we could, but never will be.

while you're asleep in your bed,
visions of you and her dance throughout my head.
while you're asleep, I'm wide awake and my chest feels like an earthquake.
while you're asleep, I, with blade in hand look around and wonder why cutting would be so bad.
while you're asleep, you don't have a clue. how much I'm effected by everything you do.
while you're awake, i act okay. taking my tears and blade and hiding them away
while you're awake, I put on a smile because everything you say makes it okay for a while.
while you're awake all I do is wait for you to shut your eyes once again so I can let the drowning of my tears and the contemplation of suicide begin.

eyes stained with tears and wrists stained with blood  you were always the one who made me come undone

with every word you throw it stabs me in the chest, to think I thought you were different, but you're just like the rest.

I'm dying over you and you don't care to see that I need you so much more than you need me

this is so much harder on me than it is on you but maybe that's because I actually fell for you

you're ignorance is my bliss and your eyes make me weak. you're so beautifully arrogant and I can't seem to leave.
I've tried to get your face out of my mind darling and I've scrubbed the place your finger tips brushed, but I can't shake the feeling of your tender touch.
Your hands fit so perfect intertwined in mine, and every time I see your deep brown eyes,  I lose my mind.
You make me feel so many emotions,
but the problem is they come all at once.
I could feel extremely happy but sill on edge,
the pain rushes in and my hope crash down all
because you took interest in someone else.

i can't eat. i think it's because my heart got itself caught in my throat again. either that or my stomach found a way to keep the knots in place, after i spent so much time trying to unravel them. i've been like this since i last saw you. you see, when we last talked it took everything in my power to not fall apart in front of your face. my body was frozen over, except for the never ending earthquake in my chest. the hurt was trapped in my eyes and you just laughed and decided to look the other way. my voice must've been inaudible because the look on your face didn't match the words coming out of my mouth. if you heard me whisper my last i love you i'm sure you'd be broken too. you made me crumble, when your presence was the only place i felt any security. i was yours before you knew it. who else knows your mind like i do? i know your every move before you make it but my god i did not see this coming. if i may ask, did she kiss you like i did? now i think back to the times you'd come over and we'd sit in silence. it was those moments in your car when i used to think about what it'd be like to love you, how beautiful we could be. i thought that this would be different than the rest. my god i'm lost. i keep looking around but i can't find anyone. and **** i don't know what to do because it's on fire. this is really it. im in a crowded room and through the window i see it's burning and no one is looking im losing my voice but no one can ******* hear me so i'll scream until my face turns blue. my sky is falling. its engulfed in flame &  it shows no signs of stopping. someone please. ******* it anyone. help.

you ruined me again. you really did it this time. I can't believe you'd hurt me like that, but I should've known it'd happen again.

I don't know how to fix this and maybe I never will. I could smoke a million cigarettes and it wouldn't matter because I'm yours to ****.
you're doing a good job so far, you know just what to say. I've been bleeding since day one but that's perfectly okay.

you tear my down just to build me back up and you said it was just what you needed. you needed to break me yet again just so you could fix it all up

but what if I'm too broken this time. what if my shattered heart can't be fixed be your fragile lies. there's no way you love me if it was worth kissing her to watch this all go by.

you had her in your room which is the place that we finally fell in love. we'd spend hours there just laying together and planning our future. but you had to ruin it by bringing her to the place you watched me come undone.

it was in your bed when you finally seen my cry. it was in your bed where we made love for the first time. it was in your bed where we slept and woke up in each others arms. it was where I finally gave you my broken heart.

now that place it haunted by her kiss. who knows what else happened because I know how hard of a time you have with your urges, most you can't resist.

I hope she made you happy even if it was just for a second. I hope she was worth hurting me because you'll never know even the half of this pain, your words and actions being the only weapon