I've heard that every 27 days skin replenishes itself, so I guess that means in another 13 days you will never have touched my body, but that doesn't mean that in 13 days I'll forget the way your fingertips felt as they brushed the hair from my face, or the way that you held my hand to tightly, because you said you were holding onto me for dear life. I could go years without you touching my skin, but that doesn't mean I'll forget the way you pressed your lips against my forehead, or my cheek. 13 days isn't enough to make this feeling leave.

I don't think I've ever wanted to die so much.
what am I supposed to do without the one I love.
you're gone without a trace
you're someone I could never replace.
I could **** myself so effortlessly
the only reason I haven't so far is because you were in love with me.
I'm sorry for being so dumb
I can't believe I did it again
I **** everything up
I'm such a failure at everything I do
and I'm so sorry that I failed at loving you

this is waking up at 4 am to find her name on his lips. this is repeatedly slamming the door because he can't stop leaving it open when he leaves.
this is how he smells when he comes home. these are his hands on your neck, silently hoping he's going to squeeze a little bit harder next time.
this is a phone call, and you swear it's going to be the last one, but you said the same thing last night and the night before. you don't know it yet, but that was the last time you'll hear his voice. this is your only pack of cigarettes and not being able to find the self control to make them last. not being able to find the self control to make anything last. these are the pills the doctor prescribed to make it go away. why won't it ******* go away. you're drowning, but your lungs are filled with smoke. this is for the nights you spent wide awake, tears and blood scattered all over his side of the bed. his side of the bed. his. this is for the days you spent staring at the door. waiting for something, waiting for anything to happen. wishing you didn't have to wait anymore. this is the burning you feel in your chest when you think about his mouth. it's been 9 months but you can still feel his lips on your cheek. this is for the hours you've spent staring at your hands, wondering why they feel so empty. why you haven't been able to feel anything expect for the void.

I write poems without titles because I cannot find a single word that even begins to express the letters that my pen so effortlessly burns Into this paper. maybe I should name them all after you because the flame that rises from my heart gets caught in my throat and give me a sensation that reminds me of your kiss and I can't seem to spit it out
your name cannot escape my lips, believe me I've tried to get it out but it sends a shockwave throughout the 7 million nerves that inhabit my body and it reminds me of how I felt when your lips kissed my stained wrists and whispered that you'd never stray from my side and you'd never be able to say goodbye but look where we are today. you always promised you'd be there but where the hell are you while I'm going through all of this because it hurts a lot more than I thought and I'm so concerened about this never ending story I haven't taken the time to read inbetween the lines and make my own self hatred stop

there's this pain in my chest and it's been there since the day you left an I think it's because I know I'll never be able to call you mine again.

my hands are empty and so is my heart because with every breath you take next to her it tears my world apart.

I've cried you a river, and it leads to the ocean that you said you'd cross to be with me.

you promised you'd never leave, that your heart was mine to keep,
but words are just words, you never meant them anyway

I saw you last night.
you were standing across the room, but I couldn't stop looking at you long enough to tell myself to move my feet.
I touched you last night.
you must've noticed my twitching palm and because you know me so well, you knew it was because of how uncomfortable I get when you stare.
I held you last night.
for the first time in eight months I was lucky enough to breathe you in and my god you still smell the same as you did the day you told me you couldn't love me anymore. I was too much. of what I don't know but maybe it was because I refused to give myself up for you time and time again.
I kissed you last night.
I think it killed me.
my lips haven't felt that much sadness since you kissed me with tears on your cheeks and blood on my wrist. your voice echoing in my head "why did you do this, oh my god why did you do this, please don't do this again. I'm begging you please baby stop"
you were mine last night.
for the short time we were together, there was no one else.
I wouldn't dare give my attention to anything besides your hand on my thigh. I couldn't possibly move mine from you neck. I was bonded to you in a way I haven't experienced since I gave you my innocence.
I woke up this morning.
cursed myself for dreaming about you once again. I pressed my hands to my mouth and repeated over and over
"you are not mine
you were never mine
you never will be mine.
I was never yours.
I will never be yours."

i can't eat. i think it's because my heart got itself caught in my throat again. either that or my stomach found a way to keep the knots in place, after i spent so much time trying to unravel them. i've been like this since i last saw you. you see, when we last talked it took everything in my power to not fall apart in front of your face. my body was frozen over, except for the never ending earthquake in my chest. the hurt was trapped in my eyes and you just laughed and decided to look the other way. my voice must've been inaudible because the look on your face didn't match the words coming out of my mouth. if you heard me whisper my last i love you i'm sure you'd be broken too. you made me crumble, when your presence was the only place i felt any security. i was yours before you knew it. who else knows your mind like i do? i know your every move before you make it but my god i did not see this coming. if i may ask, did she kiss you like i did? now i think back to the times you'd come over and we'd sit in silence. it was those moments in your car when i used to think about what it'd be like to love you, how beautiful we could be. i thought that this would be different than the rest. my god i'm lost. i keep looking around but i can't find anyone. and **** i don't know what to do because it's on fire. this is really it. im in a crowded room and through the window i see it's burning and no one is looking im losing my voice but no one can ******* hear me so i'll scream until my face turns blue. my sky is falling. its engulfed in flame &  it shows no signs of stopping. someone please. ******* it anyone. help.

if I have another dream about you, my brain might just rot from the inside out, because in my dreams I go through every memory you've probably forgotten about.

If I have another dream about you,
shame on me for wishing it to come true. you're gone and I seriously need to learn how to survive without you

If I have another dream about you,
I'll finally go insane, but these dreams without you aren't even dreams, they're nightmares and I'm still waiting for that one day this will change.

If I have another dream about you,
I can guarantee you'll never know, that I miss you a lot more than I've lead on and I'm having a troubled time letting you go.

If I have another dream about you,
I'll be forced to accept the fact you'll never come back and that's for the best. Nothing about us would change and you'll soon realise I was the one you should've chose over the rest

every time I see you my heart falls to the floor and I get a rush of energy but after I think of you I'm drained. I'm so emotionally exhausted and all I want to do is cry. I want to **** you and kiss you at the same time and i ******* hate myself for it. I wonder what it would be like to kiss you again. just one more time. would it feel foreign? or would it be just the same. the same two lips that kissed me while I was crying and kissed me when I was quiet but more so when I was laughing. would I be able to taste that smile like I used to? would your hands pull me closer? would your arms lock me in place because my knees are far too weak to hold me up? I can't say that I want you, because God knows I don't. but I'd like to remember how you feel against me for just a minute. how it feels to be loved, or at least what I mistook for love. I don't know what love is. I don't think I ever have. Love is not crying at 3 am because you're terrified of what comes when you wake up the next day. Love is not a handful of pills just to stop the hurt. Love is not her kiss. Love is not what you made me think it was. Love is not reaching over to find your no longer there. Love is not taking. Love is not Lust.

I can't stop shaking, and it's because you're leaving my bones.
I used to be your everything.
now you can't even call me your own
it was your call, to stay or go
and I should've ******* known that given the opportunity, you'd leave me even though you made me believe I was your home.
you've broken my heart before, so this is really nothing new.
even though you ruined me
I still let myself love you.
I can't believe you left, wait no. yes I can. you're no different from before, you just leave without realising what you have.
You told me I was everything you've been looking for, and leaving was your biggest regret, but if half of that was true then why are you making me seem like if you could do it over, that message, you would've never sent
I love you, more than you'll ever know. you leaving isn't a surprise. just know any feelings I have towards you cannot be pinned on other guy

there's this line across my wrist and it's been there for a year,
it's been so long since it happened but it never disappears.

the memories will stay and they don't seem to leave, when you ask I'll make up another lie which I so easily weave.

you won't give it a second thought because you want to believe I'm fine.
when you're hungry you ask questions,
and the truth can't be told so I'll feed you lies.

I could never dare to say that I was weak enough to harm myself because of what happened that day

I'm supposed to be the strong one, the one you can always count on. not the one you're scared of losing or the one you walk out on.

you're gonna leave me and I can feel it in your voice. you don't love me anymore, and that's the hardest part. I've given you my everything babe, and you couldn't even give me your heart.

My mind is a canvas spread with every colour you've thrown at me. I want to paint you a picture darling, of everything that you made me feel. Ive spent hours crying and laying in bed trying to believe they were all words you never meant. Ive spent days wanting you and craving your touch, and I've spent even more trying to find the words to explain just enough. you need to know how much I care about you and how highly you stand in my mind and how much your words can affect me but before everything else how much I want to be by your side. I want to be planted in your bed darling, where well spend the rest of our days. not giving a care as to what comes our way. You don't understand how badly I want you here and how bad I want to know undoubtedly that I'm all yours and you're all mine. because you already take up 105% of my mind. Your words are etched into my being and I haven't a complain I'm the world, because I know that I'm you're only girl. I can't say no to you babe, because you make me happier than I could ever be on my own. I try to be perfect and I try not to be weird but sometimes you just say the words I've been wanting to hear.  You're shy as hell but I don't care because I don't need words to know that you want me baby, I already know that you're there. You'll never see this and it's too bad because maybe you'll never know, you're everything I need and all I ever wanted to have.

I go insane at the sound of your voice,
and with every word you breathe it's no longer a choice.
I have to be yours and you have to be mine. this has become the way I want to spend my life
I'll be hurt at points and yes, so will you. but I'm hoping you think I'm worth the pain, because I know I do.
it's worth the tears and aching heart to be able to call you mine. I'll be happy to kiss you all over, knowing you're not all in.
I'll drive myself crazy thinking of you and her.
I'll die loving you because you'll be driving my hurse

eyes stained with tears and wrists stained with blood  you were always the one who made me come undone

with every word you throw it stabs me in the chest, to think I thought you were different, but you're just like the rest.

I'm dying over you and you don't care to see that I need you so much more than you need me

this is so much harder on me than it is on you but maybe that's because I actually fell for you

I see your eyes in the stars
your smile in the moon.
I see your face in the clouds
and my heart always with you.

and id rather stay up all night trying my best to taste the drugs like on they did your lips than try to fall asleep without listening to your breathing. i was always the one to flirt with disaster and the forest fire that came with your embrace wasn’t as painful as it was dealing with the aftermath. when it was in full force, i couldn’t help but focus on the flame. the beautiful reds and orange were such a great distraction from the damage. i couldn’t focus on how much it hurt because i was so caught up in the beauty of watching my body being engulfed. it didn’t take long for you to work you way through my chest and into my heart. the way you spread through my veins was unforgettable, the burning sensation crept through my muscles and bled into my bones. you subliminally showed me that there wasn’t a happy ending to this, but i was lost in your voice. you were lost in yourself. my mind couldn’t comprehend anything due to the fact that every time you said i love you had singed the way i think. Since you left it’s been getting harder to sleep, there hasn’t been a night that i haven’t seen your face in my dreams. ill admit there’s been a couple nights i haven’t slept at all. i guess the truth is that i’m scared of waking up alone after id opened my eyes just to see yours so many times. they always look brighter when you first wake up. the sunlight that shown through the curtains always fell on your face just the right way, but your lips were my favorite part. the soft kisses with sleepy lips left me speechless. The way you held me tighter while i slept was only comparable to things you see in movies. even after all you did to hurt me, i still believe that i’d feel safest in your arms.

let just not talk, not because i don't miss your voice but because your eyes say what your mouth can't and I can hear your breathing, darling. I can hear your mind change when you look at my hands, constantly reaching for your heart but you back away every time I inch closer. I can feel your heart race when you look into my eyes but you keep your hands in your pockets. you keep your desires in the back of your mind while logic takes over.

ripping out the flowers in my chest as if they were weeds because they don't do me any good now considering you left and they're the ones you planted in me

So many pencil sharpeners, all missing their blades.
So many possible was, but bleeding has become my escape.

I cut myself tonight.
5 new scars trail along my hip.
You're so lucky I'll be alive tomorrow
because if it were up to me the words I just spoke to you would be the last escaping my lips.

I'm sorry that this is how I think.
but with every word and action you throw my body forms a new line
filling up the tissue with a darker shade of pink.

One day I'll do it.
I'll take away all your pain.
I'll do it one day I promise you babe.
but that day won't be today

when I was young I thought at 15 I'd have a countless amount of friends and I'd be at every party there was, awake till 5 am with a boy who loved my soul just as much as I loved his eyes, sneaking out every night with people I didn't know and laughing until breathing became a chore. I never thought I'd be spending my nights alone in bed wondering if I'd ever stop getting lost in my own head, wishing I could think of myself as someone who was able to conquer my fears and take on the world. with clenched fists and blood shot eyes, screaming out every word that was ever thrown at me to make me feel anything less than alive. the jumbled thoughts so sloppily written down just so I could get them somewhere they wouldn't hurt me anymore. taking way too many painkillers so I could just sleep but no, it was never that ******* easy.

I wish you had the nerve to call me and say I cross your mind everyday, and tell me that you hate to say it but it sickness you that things had to turn out this way.

Maybe then I'd have some closure, and finally be able to say goodbye, maybe then I wouldn't feel so ******* used and maybe I'd stop wanting to die.

I just wish that I could know if I meant anything at all, I wish someone could tell me if I was more than just another girl to call

I won't ever look into your perfect green eyes and I won't ever get another fix like that of when you brushed your lips against my skin, because you were my favourite high and now the demons of regret are taking over. this time I'm gonna let them win

never come to me for advice
because if I were you,
I wouldn't want to listen to me anyways.
I've been through hell and back but my stories aren't worth telling, and when my stories bleed, they bleed heartbreak and disaster, there won't be a "lesson learned" at the end of this chapter.
constant recovery and constant aching for more, I could advise you on how to give yourself away to someone who doesn't love you, but I couldn't give you any help with the pain that comes along with unrequited love
and I could tell you of my grandmothers laugh, I could tell you all about my childhood and how I spent it waiting for a man who would never come back.
I never knew what love was, I only knew what you told me it was supposed to be, but you seemed to have confused it with lust, because whatever love you had only was talked about when you were laying over me.
I could tell you countless amount of stories, but do not come to me for advice.

I wish we could live in a world where everything wasn’t so difficult. Maybe then our love wouldn’t be confined to the small space next to the closet. Your lips could take their time and work with precision instead of sloppily trying to memorize the way mine move. Maybe then it wouldn’t be so hard to say my thoughts out loud. I can see the wall spinning and the room crashing. I can see the way your eyes
light up, but also how they dim. Her hands won’t tever feel the way mine do, and I know that you’d never give this a second thought but **** why wouldn’t you? There’s more to life than empty bottles and safe love. You speak of passion and soft gestures but you act as if that’s never been an option. You love as if the bottom won’t fall out, as if i didn’t spend that night cleaning glass off of the floor. You won’t feel anything that you did in those 55 seconds unless you let your complex go.

when I'm high I can feel the same tingling in my bones as I did when you touched my neck and I can taste your tongue on my lips like you did when you used to whisper against them and say that you would always love me but it wasn't me you fell in love with. you fell in love with my hips. with the way my fingers tensed when you touched me, three quarters up from my wrist. and when I'm coming down I can still feel the pain as when you left me and my heart disintegrated into black, rotten ashes.
and I can feel your lips on my chest and I can feel your lips move, they way they did when they admitted their unrequited love for me.
but the spaces between my fingers have never felt the same since you stopped holding onto me for dear life.
I can feel the life slip over my hands and break through my fingers.
and I've come to realise any life I had left went with you