and id rather stay up all night trying my best to taste the drugs like on they did your lips than try to fall asleep without listening to your breathing. i was always the one to flirt with disaster and the forest fire that came with your embrace wasn’t as painful as it was dealing with the aftermath. when it was in full force, i couldn’t help but focus on the flame. the beautiful reds and orange were such a great distraction from the damage. i couldn’t focus on how much it hurt because i was so caught up in the beauty of watching my body being engulfed. it didn’t take long for you to work you way through my chest and into my heart. the way you spread through my veins was unforgettable, the burning sensation crept through my muscles and bled into my bones. you subliminally showed me that there wasn’t a happy ending to this, but i was lost in your voice. you were lost in yourself. my mind couldn’t comprehend anything due to the fact that every time you said i love you had singed the way i think. Since you left it’s been getting harder to sleep, there hasn’t been a night that i haven’t seen your face in my dreams. ill admit there’s been a couple nights i haven’t slept at all. i guess the truth is that i’m scared of waking up alone after id opened my eyes just to see yours so many times. they always look brighter when you first wake up. the sunlight that shown through the curtains always fell on your face just the right way, but your lips were my favorite part. the soft kisses with sleepy lips left me speechless. The way you held me tighter while i slept was only comparable to things you see in movies. even after all you did to hurt me, i still believe that i’d feel safest in your arms.

I wish we could live in a world where everything wasn’t so difficult. Maybe then our love wouldn’t be confined to the small space next to the closet. Your lips could take their time and work with precision instead of sloppily trying to memorize the way mine move. Maybe then it wouldn’t be so hard to say my thoughts out loud. I can see the wall spinning and the room crashing. I can see the way your eyes
light up, but also how they dim. Her hands won’t tever feel the way mine do, and I know that you’d never give this a second thought but **** why wouldn’t you? There’s more to life than empty bottles and safe love. You speak of passion and soft gestures but you act as if that’s never been an option. You love as if the bottom won’t fall out, as if i didn’t spend that night cleaning glass off of the floor. You won’t feel anything that you did in those 55 seconds unless you let your complex go.

i can't eat. i think it's because my heart got itself caught in my throat again. either that or my stomach found a way to keep the knots in place, after i spent so much time trying to unravel them. i've been like this since i last saw you. you see, when we last talked it took everything in my power to not fall apart in front of your face. my body was frozen over, except for the never ending earthquake in my chest. the hurt was trapped in my eyes and you just laughed and decided to look the other way. my voice must've been inaudible because the look on your face didn't match the words coming out of my mouth. if you heard me whisper my last i love you i'm sure you'd be broken too. you made me crumble, when your presence was the only place i felt any security. i was yours before you knew it. who else knows your mind like i do? i know your every move before you make it but my god i did not see this coming. if i may ask, did she kiss you like i did? now i think back to the times you'd come over and we'd sit in silence. it was those moments in your car when i used to think about what it'd be like to love you, how beautiful we could be. i thought that this would be different than the rest. my god i'm lost. i keep looking around but i can't find anyone. and **** i don't know what to do because it's on fire. this is really it. im in a crowded room and through the window i see it's burning and no one is looking im losing my voice but no one can ******* hear me so i'll scream until my face turns blue. my sky is falling. its engulfed in flame &  it shows no signs of stopping. someone please. ******* it anyone. help.

the day I didn't hear from you I didn't sleep. I guess I just needed to make sure you weren't awake feeling sad about this too. I couldn't let myself fall asleep knowing that my name didn't sit well on your mind. I didn't mean to let you go. I swear. I never wanted to give up. but when your best friend admitted to every lie you've told I felt something change. it was like a switch flipped. it was the dam breaking. it was like every time I told myself "he'd never do that" came knocking & I couldn't stop them from coming in. they told me I was wrong. that i couldn't keep defending the enemy. I couldn't stop myself from leaving. the damage was done before I got into your car. you lost me. and when you lost me I couldn't stop from losing myself. everything in my own head just led me back to you. it's a dead end. it's a road lined with gold but the *** holes are getting to be unavoidable. I've reached the end of the tunnel but there's no light. there's just you. everyone says I'm getting better. they cant believe how well I'm dealing with the breakup. but am I dealing with it at all? is coming over & leaving myself all over your lips really "dealing with it"? my dad said he's glad to see I'm not checking up on you anymore. im sure he'd be happy to know our hands still fit perfectly. he'd have to understand that when you kissed me, I realized you can run from your addictions. you can run but they'll always be yours. in your mind. in your veins. in your heart.

I like to pretend the storm that's been raging around me isn't man made, I like to think you're still sleeping on the other side of the bed, I always hope I wakeup to your lips instead of drunken phone calls & empty threats, I think about your hands more than I should and I think about nights in your bed more than I do anything else. I like to remember how you'd smile when you woke up & how you'd pull me closer while you were sleeping. I hope you know your steady breathing was the only thing keeping me sane. I see you in my dreams and I can feel you on my tongue. I wake up to a clenched jaw and grinding teeth, & missed calls from numbers I don't recognise with voices I don't remember. the only number I can remember is yours.

sometimes you gotta close you eyes before you hit the ground, it gives you the idea that maybe you won't be hitting the ground any time soon and maybe there's no ground to hit. maybe you'll fall forever or maybe you'll hit the ground with enough force to shake the pearly gates. If you keep your eyes open you can hit the ground running, running means leaving and leaving means starting over but after you starting over doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

I wish I could hold your heart in my hands and promise you that everything's going to be alright but my hands haven't seen "alright" since I was young enough to hope and dream that my dad would stop worshiping some God he'll  never meet and start worshiping his own flesh and blood, and I could fall in love with your eyes but that would mean staying and the windows have been showing my name in fogged glass for years, your body could be my home but I've been kicked out of every place I've called my home since I was 10 years old and I'm not sure i can handle another eviction notice written in my own blood. I could fall in love with you but you have to promise not to expect something you will never receive. I could promise you forever but forever has a tendency of running away before I can explain why I won't make a promise to someone who hasn't bolted the doors shut.

let just not talk, not because i don't miss your voice but because your eyes say what your mouth can't and I can hear your breathing, darling. I can hear your mind change when you look at my hands, constantly reaching for your heart but you back away every time I inch closer. I can feel your heart race when you look into my eyes but you keep your hands in your pockets. you keep your desires in the back of your mind while logic takes over.

if I knew that was the last night you'd touch me, the last time I'd hear you say my name with traces of love and regret in your voice, the last time I'd have the pleasure of holding your hand or kissing you with cracking lips I would've held on longer. I would've kiss you harder, more passionately. I would've left my heart on your lips and my fingerprints on your neck. I would've held you in a way that made her body feel like your worst childhood memory. if we had more time I would've told you everything. I shouldn't have been scared to love you, I shouldn't have wanted to take you from her but ****, laying on my floor wrapped in your arms made me believe in God. it made my worst fears fade and my eyes shine. before you, I never let anyone in. I know you were hers and in a sense, always will be hers, but admitting that I wanted you that night was the best decision I've ever made. staying up all night, with our bodies inching closer together was the most intimate situation I've ever been in. Intimate in a way that made me feel naked, even though neither of us would dare to take our clothes off because we were too scared of someone finding us. I looked at you and I didn't have to feel insecure that you were looking back. I'd like to believe that you loved me the same as I to you, but we both know that isn't the case. I know you're wrapped up in her, but the moments you were mine were breath taking.  those moments made me whole, watching you love her is what broke me.

this is for her

tell her how you're no stranger to unrequited love. tell her everything he's going to say, because you've spent months memorising every word he's ever said to you. let her know that she needs to constantly remind him that he is loved, he is wanted, he is needed. tell her how he likes his coffee and how all he wants when he wakes up is to be held. tell her how he'll hold her hand until the day he can't bear to feel her skin anymore. tell her how soon that day will come. remind her not to be scared of losing him because there will be a day he comes back. he always comes back. warn her about his lips and how they'll never want to leave hers. don't leave out how addictive his hands can be, one minute they'll be combing through your hair and the next they'll be at the edge of your pants, while he's whispering in your ear saying " I'm so in love with you" tell her to remember he was yours first. let her know how easy it is to fall in love with him. he will have days where he wants nothing but to say goodbye to everything this world has to offer, you need to remind him how beautiful life can be, tell him you'll never allow him to end his life because he's such a big part of yours (he will become your everything) do not forget to explain to her how precious time can be. when you spend time with him, there's nothing else in the world that could be half as important as the way he lays his eyes on you. he will want to leave, and you will have to let him go. he gets so angry that you'll swear it's fire he's speaking, not english.  he isn't capable of commitment, you will always be his but he will never be just yours. you will never be enough for him, no matter how much you want to be his home, the love of his life, you won't. you'll want to cry, you'll wish you never met him in the first place. you'll want to walk away and never look back, but you won't be able to because as soon as you turn away he takes your heart right out of your chest. he makes sure it's his decision when he goes and when he will come back. if he will come back. you'll want to take his sadness, his hurt and his pain. you'll try but he will never give it up. he will tell you that he is worthless, he is different and he doesn't deserve to breathe and it will **** you. it'll hurt you more than you have ever experienced because no matter how many times you tell him that he is the reason the sun kisses the earth in the morning, he will never believe you.

this is waking up at 4 am to find her name on his lips. this is repeatedly slamming the door because he can't stop leaving it open when he leaves.
this is how he smells when he comes home. these are his hands on your neck, silently hoping he's going to squeeze a little bit harder next time.
this is a phone call, and you swear it's going to be the last one, but you said the same thing last night and the night before. you don't know it yet, but that was the last time you'll hear his voice. this is your only pack of cigarettes and not being able to find the self control to make them last. not being able to find the self control to make anything last. these are the pills the doctor prescribed to make it go away. why won't it ******* go away. you're drowning, but your lungs are filled with smoke. this is for the nights you spent wide awake, tears and blood scattered all over his side of the bed. his side of the bed. his. this is for the days you spent staring at the door. waiting for something, waiting for anything to happen. wishing you didn't have to wait anymore. this is the burning you feel in your chest when you think about his mouth. it's been 9 months but you can still feel his lips on your cheek. this is for the hours you've spent staring at your hands, wondering why they feel so empty. why you haven't been able to feel anything expect for the void.

letters were created so humans can communicate, so a person knows exactly what another person is feeling. There are 26 letters in the english alphabet. I've been trying for days, but I cannot arrange those letters in a way that explains how I feel about you. there are endless possibilities but I'm at a loss for words. a lot of people would say it's love. even more would say it's lust, but I don't want you to touch me. I don't want to spend time memorising the way your eyes constantly shift from mine to hers. I don't want to think about your arm around her waist every single night before you fall asleep. I don't want to love. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be so wrapped up in you, I forget you're already wrapped up in her. I get so high at the thought of holding your hand, but remembering your hand belongs to her is the quickest way to sink.

I saw you last night.
you were standing across the room, but I couldn't stop looking at you long enough to tell myself to move my feet.
I touched you last night.
you must've noticed my twitching palm and because you know me so well, you knew it was because of how uncomfortable I get when you stare.
I held you last night.
for the first time in eight months I was lucky enough to breathe you in and my god you still smell the same as you did the day you told me you couldn't love me anymore. I was too much. of what I don't know but maybe it was because I refused to give myself up for you time and time again.
I kissed you last night.
I think it killed me.
my lips haven't felt that much sadness since you kissed me with tears on your cheeks and blood on my wrist. your voice echoing in my head "why did you do this, oh my god why did you do this, please don't do this again. I'm begging you please baby stop"
you were mine last night.
for the short time we were together, there was no one else.
I wouldn't dare give my attention to anything besides your hand on my thigh. I couldn't possibly move mine from you neck. I was bonded to you in a way I haven't experienced since I gave you my innocence.
I woke up this morning.
cursed myself for dreaming about you once again. I pressed my hands to my mouth and repeated over and over
"you are not mine
you were never mine
you never will be mine.
I was never yours.
I will never be yours."

I lay down and try to get you out of my head.  I can't help but toss and turn. ******* it  i wish I could stop thinking about your hands long enough for me to regain my sanity but when you touch me its something I haven't felt in months.
I haven't felt in months.
I haven't felt anything in months.
either I feel too much or I don't feel at all there is no happy medium but all I've been feeling lately is the absence of you. but you're not mine to feel in the first place so all these words and pictures and moments that are running through my head don't mean anything because in the end your touch belongs to her. I'll keep you my favorite secret and you'll keep me hiding in the wings

every time I see you my heart falls to the floor and I get a rush of energy but after I think of you I'm drained. I'm so emotionally exhausted and all I want to do is cry. I want to **** you and kiss you at the same time and i ******* hate myself for it. I wonder what it would be like to kiss you again. just one more time. would it feel foreign? or would it be just the same. the same two lips that kissed me while I was crying and kissed me when I was quiet but more so when I was laughing. would I be able to taste that smile like I used to? would your hands pull me closer? would your arms lock me in place because my knees are far too weak to hold me up? I can't say that I want you, because God knows I don't. but I'd like to remember how you feel against me for just a minute. how it feels to be loved, or at least what I mistook for love. I don't know what love is. I don't think I ever have. Love is not crying at 3 am because you're terrified of what comes when you wake up the next day. Love is not a handful of pills just to stop the hurt. Love is not her kiss. Love is not what you made me think it was. Love is not reaching over to find your no longer there. Love is not taking. Love is not Lust.

never come to me for advice
because if I were you,
I wouldn't want to listen to me anyways.
I've been through hell and back but my stories aren't worth telling, and when my stories bleed, they bleed heartbreak and disaster, there won't be a "lesson learned" at the end of this chapter.
constant recovery and constant aching for more, I could advise you on how to give yourself away to someone who doesn't love you, but I couldn't give you any help with the pain that comes along with unrequited love
and I could tell you of my grandmothers laugh, I could tell you all about my childhood and how I spent it waiting for a man who would never come back.
I never knew what love was, I only knew what you told me it was supposed to be, but you seemed to have confused it with lust, because whatever love you had only was talked about when you were laying over me.
I could tell you countless amount of stories, but do not come to me for advice.

when I'm high I can feel the same tingling in my bones as I did when you touched my neck and I can taste your tongue on my lips like you did when you used to whisper against them and say that you would always love me but it wasn't me you fell in love with. you fell in love with my hips. with the way my fingers tensed when you touched me, three quarters up from my wrist. and when I'm coming down I can still feel the pain as when you left me and my heart disintegrated into black, rotten ashes.
and I can feel your lips on my chest and I can feel your lips move, they way they did when they admitted their unrequited love for me.
but the spaces between my fingers have never felt the same since you stopped holding onto me for dear life.
I can feel the life slip over my hands and break through my fingers.
and I've come to realise any life I had left went with you

kiss me hard
don't let me go
put your hands on my hips
and let me put on a show

I'll take you for the night,
become your favorite disaster
make you wonder why you
didn't come after me
just a little bit faster

I'll show you how I work.
let you memorise the movement of my chest.
give you a chance to hear my heartbeat quicken with every aching breath.

Bite my neck
kiss my lips
let me know im driving you crazy.
touch my hips
pin me down
show me that you crave me.

when I was young I thought at 15 I'd have a countless amount of friends and I'd be at every party there was, awake till 5 am with a boy who loved my soul just as much as I loved his eyes, sneaking out every night with people I didn't know and laughing until breathing became a chore. I never thought I'd be spending my nights alone in bed wondering if I'd ever stop getting lost in my own head, wishing I could think of myself as someone who was able to conquer my fears and take on the world. with clenched fists and blood shot eyes, screaming out every word that was ever thrown at me to make me feel anything less than alive. the jumbled thoughts so sloppily written down just so I could get them somewhere they wouldn't hurt me anymore. taking way too many painkillers so I could just sleep but no, it was never that ******* easy.

no matter how hard I try I can't rid you from my mind, it's like I'm falling out of place and I'm still expecting you to be here and make it all okay but you're not here and you never ******* will be so why can't I just stop being yours because you stopped being mine a long time ago and no matter how hard I pretend I'm not okay and I hate to say it but I still wait for the text that you still love me but that's never gonna ******* show up because you're long gone and I can't do anything to get you back but who says I want you back. because I don't. or at least I don't want to. I don't want to feel hopeless and used and dead anymore. you left me.
you promised me you'd love me until your last god ****** breath but then you went and ******* left.
to this day it makes me sick
how you could promise me forever and just leave so ******* quick. I hate myself for giving you my all because you weren't the guy I thought you were. you were just another boy who made me fall in love  and I swear to god you love seeing me all torn up. you love that I still think about you in the sweetest way and you absolutely thrive on the fact my pain isn't going away. it makes you happy to see I'm not moving on. when you're all over every girl you lay eyes on. I hope that maybe one day you'll stop hating me and realise that maybe I wasn't as bad as you thought and I really hope that you miss me eventually and stop with this ******* thought that I'm sleeping with everyone who's ever said hello and maybe you'll realise that I still don't want anyone else to take my innocence away an maybe you'll ******* realise how in love with you I actually was and you'll realise that you're really not okay but that day won't come because you're too proud and you hate me and I don't know why because I didn't do anything wrong. I loved you with every single fiber of my being and maybe that is wrong. it's wrong to give your everything to someone who lies about what they feel. you wouldn't know love if it was what you laced your poison with. I hate myself because I cant get over you. I hate that I can't stop falling for your smile or the way you laugh and I'm sick to my stomach because you're still taking over my thoughts and my choices and that's not okay. that's not okay at all and I ******* hate you. ******* for making me fall in love and give you what I was supposed to save for someone who I need to spend the rest if my life with but THAT WAS YOU, no not was, THATS STILL YOU. I STILL WANT YOU. I STILL WANT YOU TO KISS ME AND I WANT YOU TO TOUCH MY CHEEK AND KISS MY LIPS AND PRETEND YOU LOVE ME AGAIN BUT NO. YOURE GONE. YOURE ******* GONE. AND WRITING CANT EVEN BEGIN TO HELP ME THIS TIME. YOU CHANGED ME. YOU MADE ME INTO THE PERSON I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULD NEVER BE

I see your eyes in the stars
your smile in the moon.
I see your face in the clouds
and my heart always with you.

you've hurt me in ways unexplainable by words,
but you're still my sky my stars, you're my whole ******* world
I feel your fingertips glide along my blood stained hip while I ruin my complexion with yet another rip.
I'll never be good enough but I'll let you continue to **** me
i lay in bed and think about all the things that we could, but never will be.

So many pencil sharpeners, all missing their blades.
So many possible was, but bleeding has become my escape.

I cut myself tonight.
5 new scars trail along my hip.
You're so lucky I'll be alive tomorrow
because if it were up to me the words I just spoke to you would be the last escaping my lips.

I'm sorry that this is how I think.
but with every word and action you throw my body forms a new line
filling up the tissue with a darker shade of pink.

One day I'll do it.
I'll take away all your pain.
I'll do it one day I promise you babe.
but that day won't be today

you ruined me again. you really did it this time. I can't believe you'd hurt me like that, but I should've known it'd happen again.

I don't know how to fix this and maybe I never will. I could smoke a million cigarettes and it wouldn't matter because I'm yours to ****.
you're doing a good job so far, you know just what to say. I've been bleeding since day one but that's perfectly okay.

you tear my down just to build me back up and you said it was just what you needed. you needed to break me yet again just so you could fix it all up

but what if I'm too broken this time. what if my shattered heart can't be fixed be your fragile lies. there's no way you love me if it was worth kissing her to watch this all go by.

you had her in your room which is the place that we finally fell in love. we'd spend hours there just laying together and planning our future. but you had to ruin it by bringing her to the place you watched me come undone.

it was in your bed when you finally seen my cry. it was in your bed where we made love for the first time. it was in your bed where we slept and woke up in each others arms. it was where I finally gave you my broken heart.

now that place it haunted by her kiss. who knows what else happened because I know how hard of a time you have with your urges, most you can't resist.

I hope she made you happy even if it was just for a second. I hope she was worth hurting me because you'll never know even the half of this pain, your words and actions being the only weapon

and even after falling asleep on your chest all those times it took me  seven months to realise your heart doesn't beat for me the way mine beats for you, maybe it never will. and I swear that there's a fragment of you stuck in every part of my body, but most importantly you're the artery in my heart that keeps my blood pumping through my hollow veins and the day you leave the part of you that keeps me alive will disappear and there will be nothing I can do but internally bleed through out my skin because I could never show you my pain.

ripping out the flowers in my chest as if they were weeds because they don't do me any good now considering you left and they're the ones you planted in me

I fell in love with self destruction
and
maybe that's why I fell so hard
for you.

I could apologise until my mouth bleeds but none of it would matter because you're already so far gone from me.
when you see my wrist, please don't ask why, because you already know that I'm dying inside.
and if I'm sad again, please don't ask. it's because I've ruined us and I'm killing myself under this mask.
I haven't eaten in days and I can't stop crying for you, I've been sad before but I don't think I've ever wanted to die so much because I'm losing you.
why can't you see that this disaster I've cause is slowly killing me?
I know it's all my fault, you don't have to remind me. I've always hated myself but it's gotten so much worse as of lately.
you keep telling me I'm not the same person anymore, you make it seem like I did it I'm purpose so I could watch you walk out the door.
then you ask why I tore my skin, if you must know it's an attempt to speak all the words and emotion I've been hiding within.
maybe you're right, I'm not the same girl amymore

You're right.

I've turned into a suicidal teenage *****

I don't think I've ever wanted to die so much.
what am I supposed to do without the one I love.
you're gone without a trace
you're someone I could never replace.
I could **** myself so effortlessly
the only reason I haven't so far is because you were in love with me.
I'm sorry for being so dumb
I can't believe I did it again
I **** everything up
I'm such a failure at everything I do
and I'm so sorry that I failed at loving you

I can't stop shaking, and it's because you're leaving my bones.
I used to be your everything.
now you can't even call me your own
it was your call, to stay or go
and I should've ******* known that given the opportunity, you'd leave me even though you made me believe I was your home.
you've broken my heart before, so this is really nothing new.
even though you ruined me
I still let myself love you.
I can't believe you left, wait no. yes I can. you're no different from before, you just leave without realising what you have.
You told me I was everything you've been looking for, and leaving was your biggest regret, but if half of that was true then why are you making me seem like if you could do it over, that message, you would've never sent
I love you, more than you'll ever know. you leaving isn't a surprise. just know any feelings I have towards you cannot be pinned on other guy

i can't live without you.
it's just not possible.
I know you're terribly mad right now
and I'm sorry for being such a fuvk up
I love you more than life itself.
and I go crazy at the thought of you and someone else
you're my world and I love everything about you. I've come to realise I can't even breathe without you.
you're so perfect and I've fallen in love with all your flaws.
even though I make you really mad. you're the best thing that's ever happened to me and you're all I want to have.
I want to spend the rest of my life locked up in your arms.
and I want you to know you make me feel my best, you keep me safe from any harm.
I love you more than words can allow me to express.
and you're the only person I want to see me undress.
love can't even describe what I feel towards you, you make me happier each day. I love you more than I love myself, I'm so in love with you babe, so baby please don't go away.

my tears are turning into acid rain. they fall from my eyes, burn holes into my skin and the venom seeps into my veins, you flow through my blood and get caught in my main arteries and maybe if I carve them out I can finally be free from your haunting lips and I can feel my body convulsing, as I remember your touch, and I tremble with tears bc I know I was never enough, you're my main priority and I'm your second choice, you're the words I cannot speak when I can't find my voice, you're the clouds that bring nothing but thunder and rain but you're also the sunlight that brings light to my pain and while some people keep going for the light at the end of the tunnel, I keep going  because of the light in your eyes and that's something I've only just noticed even after all this time

I'm sorry. I'm so ******* sorry. I love you, and I'm sorry for that too. I'm insane, but you probably figured that out by now. I get so sad sometimes and I haven't a clue why, and I'm sorry I can't give you a straight answer. I'm so lost, I hate myself for everything I've ever put you through because you deserve so much better than me. I mean come on. I'm crazy. I'm so flawed and you can't see it, or maybe you choose not to. I get upset so easily and I take it out on you and I'm so ******* sorry for that too. it's not your fault. it doesn't have anything to do with you, it's a flaw in my genes and you help take it away. I'm sorry for not being who you want, I'm sorry for going crazy at the drop of a dime. I can't help it babe. I love you. I get mad for the stupidest reasons and you don't know that the aftermath of this war we constantly find our way into tears me limb from ******* limb. I can't breathe because you take my breath away and I just want you to be there. I want you to be there no matter what and I don't want to ask for help because when I ask I feel weak and I'm supposed to be strong for you and for us and for everyone. I can't show you that I'm dying because you'll blame yourself and it's got nothing to do with you. I hide all my feelings from everyone and I'm getting really sick of it honestly. I just feel like I can't open up to you because you'll see who I really am and you'll leave. like everyone else. and you left before and it was so ******* easy. how. why. I needed you. I loved you. I gave you my everything and you threw it back in my face. that killed me. you ruined me in ways you'll never know about.  I'm so scared to trust you, you're my world but I'm so scared to let you in again because of your past. I'm so terrified of being abandoned because you can find someone who's so much better than me and you will, and she'll be perfect in every way that I'm not and she'll treat you the way you deserve to be treated and I won't be able to fix it, again. and love, I know I'm pushing you away but I don't mean to. I can't lose you. I'm so scared. I'm so sorry. I'm terrified to love you because I'm so sick of being hurt. I always hurt. always. no matter what I say or do I'll always be thinking of how easily you hurt me. and I'm so sorry for that. I'm sorry I can't get over it. I tried. I've been trying since November. I'm still trying today. I care about you and your well being a billion times more than you could ever care about me. and I want to open up to you, I want to tell you everything. I want so bad to let you into my world because maybe you'd understand why I'm so ****** up. but you don't care. and if I told you, you'd probably laugh in my face to be honest. I tried to tell you about my dad, but you don't care as much as you should I won't even show this to you because if I did you probably wouldn't want to read it because it's so ****** long. but I have a lot on my mind that I could never say to your face and I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry I'm not worth it. I'm not worth anything. I just want to die. it's taking all my ******* self control not to cut, and I want to so ******* bad. and I'm sorry for that too. I won't do it because I love you and I can't stand hurting you. but I'm sorry for wanting to hurt myself. I deserve it.

if I have another dream about you, my brain might just rot from the inside out, because in my dreams I go through every memory you've probably forgotten about.

If I have another dream about you,
shame on me for wishing it to come true. you're gone and I seriously need to learn how to survive without you

If I have another dream about you,
I'll finally go insane, but these dreams without you aren't even dreams, they're nightmares and I'm still waiting for that one day this will change.

If I have another dream about you,
I can guarantee you'll never know, that I miss you a lot more than I've lead on and I'm having a troubled time letting you go.

If I have another dream about you,
I'll be forced to accept the fact you'll never come back and that's for the best. Nothing about us would change and you'll soon realise I was the one you should've chose over the rest

My mind is a canvas spread with every colour you've thrown at me. I want to paint you a picture darling, of everything that you made me feel. Ive spent hours crying and laying in bed trying to believe they were all words you never meant. Ive spent days wanting you and craving your touch, and I've spent even more trying to find the words to explain just enough. you need to know how much I care about you and how highly you stand in my mind and how much your words can affect me but before everything else how much I want to be by your side. I want to be planted in your bed darling, where well spend the rest of our days. not giving a care as to what comes our way. You don't understand how badly I want you here and how bad I want to know undoubtedly that I'm all yours and you're all mine. because you already take up 105% of my mind. Your words are etched into my being and I haven't a complain I'm the world, because I know that I'm you're only girl. I can't say no to you babe, because you make me happier than I could ever be on my own. I try to be perfect and I try not to be weird but sometimes you just say the words I've been wanting to hear.  You're shy as hell but I don't care because I don't need words to know that you want me baby, I already know that you're there. You'll never see this and it's too bad because maybe you'll never know, you're everything I need and all I ever wanted to have.

If your first kiss doesn't feel like the galaxy is creating new asteroids from the stardust that formed when you first held his hand, or if it doesn't feel like the comets are flying across the sky and crashing into your heart as you stare into his eyes then you should run away from that boy because he's kissed so many girls that even the sky remembers his lips.

I write poems without titles because I cannot find a single word that even begins to express the letters that my pen so effortlessly burns Into this paper. maybe I should name them all after you because the flame that rises from my heart gets caught in my throat and give me a sensation that reminds me of your kiss and I can't seem to spit it out
your name cannot escape my lips, believe me I've tried to get it out but it sends a shockwave throughout the 7 million nerves that inhabit my body and it reminds me of how I felt when your lips kissed my stained wrists and whispered that you'd never stray from my side and you'd never be able to say goodbye but look where we are today. you always promised you'd be there but where the hell are you while I'm going through all of this because it hurts a lot more than I thought and I'm so concerened about this never ending story I haven't taken the time to read inbetween the lines and make my own self hatred stop

I wish you had the nerve to call me and say I cross your mind everyday, and tell me that you hate to say it but it sickness you that things had to turn out this way.

Maybe then I'd have some closure, and finally be able to say goodbye, maybe then I wouldn't feel so ******* used and maybe I'd stop wanting to die.

I just wish that I could know if I meant anything at all, I wish someone could tell me if I was more than just another girl to call

I won't ever look into your perfect green eyes and I won't ever get another fix like that of when you brushed your lips against my skin, because you were my favourite high and now the demons of regret are taking over. this time I'm gonna let them win

I want to apologise for being there and wasting your precious breath because I'm not worth the ground you walk on or the kiss you used to save me. I want to apologise for keeping you long enough to drive you insane, you said you wouldn't get sick of me but I knew you would because every person before you eventually found me revolting and left too, so what would've made you different. I want to apologise for causing all the scars on your wrist and I want to apologise for not being worth the trouble I put your heart through. I tried my best to make you happy and keep you around but you took our broken promises,  my hopes and dreams for us and left  without a second thought, I'll apologise for everything else but that's not my fault.

yes I know you hate me and all but I wish you'd refrain from using my insides to clean up your mess bc I've been trying to rid you from my body for weeks and nothing seems to work anymore and i just wish I could feel your fingers intertwined with mine or to feel your cold lips brush against my own once again but that'll never happen considering you left along with all our empty promises which you made me believe you'd never break.

there's this pain in my chest and it's been there since the day you left an I think it's because I know I'll never be able to call you mine again.

my hands are empty and so is my heart because with every breath you take next to her it tears my world apart.

I've cried you a river, and it leads to the ocean that you said you'd cross to be with me.

you promised you'd never leave, that your heart was mine to keep,
but words are just words, you never meant them anyway

I've heard that every 27 days skin replenishes itself, so I guess that means in another 13 days you will never have touched my body, but that doesn't mean that in 13 days I'll forget the way your fingertips felt as they brushed the hair from my face, or the way that you held my hand to tightly, because you said you were holding onto me for dear life. I could go years without you touching my skin, but that doesn't mean I'll forget the way you pressed your lips against my forehead, or my cheek. 13 days isn't enough to make this feeling leave.

don't you know that I miss you more than I can begin to show.
the words you lied made me think you'd never let me go.
it feels like half of me is missing and you're the one to blame, the way this ended makes me wish it never began.
you completed me and I can't lose you now, you're telling me to fix this but I don't know how.
my heart is telling me to fight, but my mind wants to let you leave, maybe if you do then the blood could stop flowing and I could pick up my broken life and keep going

I really wanna slit my wrists or overdose on pills
hang myself from the ceiling or jump from a 10 story building.
I want to stop breathing and I want to go away... don't try an stop me because you know it'll make everything so much better at the end of the day
there are no words to explain how much I hate this situation we're in. and the worst part is if I were to try an fix this I wouldn't know where to begin
I miss the curve of your smile and I miss your gentle voice, you left me without a kiss goodbye, you probably hve a second choice.
and now here I am, trying to stitch up our sad excuse for a relationship
you aren't tryin at all, and I'm giving it all that I got but it's not what you want.
I'd like to say I hate you, for everything you've done to me, but I can't help but love you.
you haven't made the slightest effort to show if I'm helping or not and I can't take this pointless conversation because you know that you're all that I've got

eyes stained with tears and wrists stained with blood  you were always the one who made me come undone

with every word you throw it stabs me in the chest, to think I thought you were different, but you're just like the rest.

I'm dying over you and you don't care to see that I need you so much more than you need me

this is so much harder on me than it is on you but maybe that's because I actually fell for you

starve myself until I'm thin like her, maybe then, you'll wanna be with me even more.

tear my skin and let the blood run out, unlike my love, yours always was full with doubt

cut my hair piece by piece, cover up my face so you don't see the heart break underneath.

there's this girl with the pink hair, she has this never ending feeling of depression and despair
She's got this smile, that outshines the whole entire sky, but no one knows she has scars that start at her wrist, and trail down her hips, and end on her thigh.
Her eyes the colour of the ocean, she's reckless and outgoing, she's got this kind of mind, and she'll stay strong in person, but at night she wants to die.
her voice is loud and gentle, it makes the blue birds sing.
she can make me laugh, with all the right words and sayings. she says she's okay but I know instead of killing all the Demond's in her mind, herself is the one she's slaying.