you wrote to me
"are you single?"

"sorry for being so blunt"

when I was little, back when things were as they appeared to be, I had a favorite music box.
there were three on the antique vanity in the master bedroom. there was the silver one, decorated with stars. sounded tinny and abrasive. it had a lid that made the music stop. and feet I remember it had three little feet. there was the wooden one. a fancy box with a fancy building painted over the lid. it opened on hinges to reveal all the tiny metal gears moving behind a pane of glass, making music with sharp metal parts. then there was the black jewelry box, with a red velvet inside. the mechanism was old and slow, would sometimes drift off before the key unwound. this one was my favorite. it played the saddest song I'd ever heard. sometimes though, it wouldn't play unless I moved the parts myself, but that never stopped me. it was the saddest song I'd ever heard, and I would listen to it over and over and over until one day it stopped making any sound at all. when I got a little older, I fixed it, took it apart and found what made it stop. and it still shudders and falters, slowly and fades away, like it can't remember how to play.
it's still the saddest song I've ever heard.
it stays the same.
it plays the same.
it fails the same.
it ties me down.
I need it now.

"so I'm single"

"I'm fine all is well"

"it wasn't fair to her"

can't get the tune out of my head now.
I miss it starting, slowing, resonating, stopping.
a drop of DW-40
a careful nudge
it speaks of me
that my idea of consistency
solidarity
is an unreliable music box.
never know when it'll play
but when it does, it plays the same.

"what are you doing tonight?"

"still in a relationship then?"

"man, I'm an *******"

*I need a melancholy music box tune
the saddest song I've ever heard
tie me down
hold me
and I can hold on too
otherwise I might float away
or fall to the floor.
everything was so good.
and now I can't be sure that I won't do something stupid
that I won't pull the the block from the bottom of the tower
I need the saddest song I've ever heard
to keep separate
what I want
what makes sense
and what is good.

the skinny beggar man
stands across the street
his hands open for lack of words
his knees and words falter-- stutter
next to him
a middle-aged lady
impatiently presses the crosswalk button
every day that I'm here
I see him. greeting
pleading, thanking
leaving, head hanging
and repeating
just for loose change
today he is wearing a shirt that
in big gothic letters
reads "royalty"
and I smile.
he is.
he is the king of frantic hellos
he is the king of pointy, unkempt hair
he is the king of politely harassing
he is the king of asking for what you can spare
he is the king of your reluctance, your refusal
he is the king of disappointed gestures
he is the king of gracefully moving on
he is the king of Piedmont Avenue

if i wrote for you
a million metaphors
i think still
we'd have a miscommunication
because this is gonna take
a lot more than ideas
a lot more than time

i was so **** tired
an hour and a half ago
i didn't have dinner
correction: i don't have dinner

what am i?
if i were okay i'd be asleep
god, why does hunger
have to hurt so bad

the space between
my shoulder blades
is burning up
my neglect for basic human needs
stays lodged in my throat
head pounding
teeth clenched
trying to hold on to
what i have left of exhaustion

please
sleep

you didn't tell me
about off-color lights
or storm drains so deep
that echoes can't find me

you didn't tell me how the summer
is warm to touch
but would scald my feet one day

you didn't tell me how the ocean
would show me the curve of the earth
would show me the tides
but then sweep me away
when I'm not looking
and lose me to the undertow

you didn't tell me that this
is all I have
and all I can ever know
but it means nothing

you didn't tell me to cover my ears
if life got too loud

you didn't tell me how to land on my feet
or stand back up
or how not to fall

you didn't tell me I had to wait
for better things to come
or that they usually don't

you didn't tell me that something
that's one thing
could be another thing altogether

you didn't tell me that closing my eyes
won't make it stop
or go away

you didn't tell me that I won't ever have a voice
or that you never did

you gave me "I love you"
and I told you to put it on the table
with the rest of the gifts

it's not that I don't want it
I just have to push a few of my doubts
out of the way to make room
I just have to deserve it

I would thank you
but I was told not to do that
I'm sorry I had nothing to give
I never do
that's why I'm confused

you gave me "I love you"
I guess now it's mine
if only I could understand.
and when I do
I can return it to you

this is the one time it's okay
to regift to the same person

are you gonna leave me hanging?
that's not a question I can ask
but I'm hanging
you tied fishing line to all my bones
and now I'm ******* hanging
you pull the strings now

and hours later
you walked me home
I wasn't that drunk
but I guess I am holding myself up
with my palms right now
so I don't fall flat on my face

and here I lose
the comfort of metaphor
(well, the stanza before)

I only do it
(get stupid beautiful wish-worthy drunk)
so these questions
these nagging doubts
these nightmares
will stop

but you don't
you keep showing up
everywhere
so they don't

and I wonder why
with a question mark
why I keep wishing
why I keep playing this
semblance of life in my mind
over and over and over:
where you want me
where you can't live without me

hopeless
I'm hopeless
because I hope
endlessly that you
will never let go of me

because for three years
I couldn't let go of you
I can't let go of you

I know that's wrong
that my words are toxic
that recognition would ruin everything
and still
I can't quit wanting
can't quit smoking
can't quit drinking
can't quit you

but don't leave
please don't leave
don't let me scare you
cos I'm scared too

you showed up
right at the wrong time
really, the exact moment

I forgive you
I salute you
for taking the liberty of asking
when I was too weak to

we could be happy
but then again we can't be
I know this is hard
I know how this feels
(you did it to me)

this is torture
for both of us
I promise

I know this is tough
I understand your reluctance
but I also know
that you can see
what you're doing to me
so if you're gonna **** up my life
the least you can do is be in it

"just don't break his heart"
they say

that's not going to be a problem,
I think

"I won't, I'll try not to"

but I won't
I'll never be the girl
who wrenches you in two

because even if I tried
even if I wanted to
(and I really don't want to)
I would be the one to break
I'd shatter on impact
I'm just not strong enough
to break your heart
the glue I used to patch myself up
the first, second, and last time
doesn't stay too well
I worked quickly
so he one, two, and three wouldn't see

I don't want any trouble
it's no one's fault but mine
for throwing fragile things
at walls dressed as men

I don't want anyone to think
to know that they broke me
so if you want me to go
I'll go without a fuss
although I might steal
some duct tape on the way out

I'd rather be taped-up-heart broken and lonely
than knowing I am the one
holding you back