i remember
all the memories we made
at the stroke of 12
in the middle
of the night.
all the moments
we spent together
dreaming of
the future
we have together
when we get out.
thinking of the life
we would live
once we are away
from the horrors
and nightmares
that reek in this life.
wondering about
where we would go
and who we would be
once we got out
and burned this town
and left it all behind
and never
ever
not ever
looked back.
all the memories
we made
at the stroke of midnight,
they are
anything
but
coming true
because there is
no more
a me and you.

you’re gone.
and you may come back,
but i won’t be waiting at your doorstep.
you’re gone. and so i am.
you left me behind,
not once,
but twice.
this has happened before.
i’ve left before you can come home.
treat me like dirt,
i’ll treat you like mud.
you’ve done this before,
not only to me.
you’ve done this before,
so how could i not see.
how could i not tell
that you would leave without saying goodbye.
how could i not see that i wasn’t important to you at all,
but you were important to me.
i never got a goodbye from you,
and its such a shame
because, you see,
you will never
hear a hello from me.

sometimes i miss the days
when we didnt know how to be sad.
sometimes i miss the moments
when we were never apart.
sometimes i miss the days
that never let the sun set.
sometimes i miss the days
we didn’t know judgement and hate.
sometimes i miss the days
when we didnt know about abandonment.
sometimes i miss the days
when we didnt wish to die instead of live.
sometimes i miss the days
where i didnt see everything has a suicidal escape.
sometimes i miss the days
where all your words were of innocence.
sometimes i miss the days
when people didnt tell me, “smile more.”
sometimes i miss the days
when i did remember how to smile.
sometimes i miss the days
where i didnt know what relapse and recovery meant.
sometimes i miss the days
when everyone loved everyone.
sometimes i miss the days
that meant everything to me.
but now they’re gone.
and im here alone.
some days i miss the times
i thought i knew happiness.
because thats all i ever knew.

left out in the street.
left out in the rain.
left out to die.
left with only pain.
you walk away.
dont even look back at me.
dont think to stay.
youve had your fun.
you saw your rays of sun.
but thats over.
you take it all back.
"we were just having fun,
but i think we’re done.”
i was to fill your void.
but soon you felt annoyed.
annoyed sadly by me.
that is quite clear to see.
so kick me out.
drop me off.
push me away.
shove me down.
toss me behind.
and walk away.
me stuck under the cold rain.
waiting for a new day.
a better day.
a new day.
a day that’ll never come.
not for me at least.
thanks to all that i’ve become.
i’ll lie here.
and the worst part is,
i’ll stay here.
and wait for you to come back.
when i’ll apologize.
and you’ll forgive.
but my tortured memories,
are to be relived.

September.
remember,
back in school
being seniors
meant we had rule.
we were on top
and nothing
would make us stop.
but that didn't mean
i didnt have deep secrets
in my dreams.
school had just begun
back when we still
had the sun.
but i had clouds closing in
thought i didn't tell a soul.
so i began my journey
into the deep, dark, hole.
October.
remember, when the days grew dark so fast.
but that didn't stop others from having a blast.
when i was asked to go,
i always said no.
because when the sun set,
that reminder became a threat.
i was busy
gathering what i need
to carry out my
one
last
final
deed.

November.
remember.
remember november?
i know you do.
i know you wish it wasn't true.
i know you wish i could make it undo.
but don't you see,
what people do or say
really does hurt me.
if you already know that,
why did you call me fat?
if you already knew i was sad,
why did you save what you had?
if you dont know why,
why did you let me die?

remember?
back in november?
sunday night
to
monday morning.

my heart stopped beating.

happy 18th, baby girl.
watch your blood swirl.
onto the floor
or down the drain.
outside her window,
it rained, and rained, and rained.
3 empty bottles by her bed.
mother's hands holding her head.
paramedics write it off
as suicide;
her own hands
is how she died.
now,
i know you remember.
back to december.
seniors you were,
but everything became
a sudden blur.
all the tears,
being blinked away.
wishing i could have stayed.
now that i'm gone,
you finally realize
what you had ll along.
even though you're too late,
you'll treat this matter
with more weight.
i wish you knew
before monday morning,
at 12:02.
september began.
october started to show.
november held all the signs.
december you are undermined.
remember how you felt
back in december?
feelings of then
will teach you
when it happens again.
so please,
learn from my death and me.
save the one for whose life
can be foreseen.
and lastly,
make me a promise,
never
ever
forget.
always
remember
december.

35 years from now
you drinking in a bar
only thinking"How?"

you begin to remember
back to that year,
in november.

that day in november,
you will always remember.
how could you not
you are the reason after all
why she would bawl.

sunday night,
he left you 6 messages
and called 9 times.

with no answer from you
her lips ended in blue.
but this time,
it's 12:02.

morning of monday,
it was her birthday.

35 years later,
head in hands,
asking "why did i let her?'

october,
she called your name.
but you claimed
it was just a game.

then came early november
you can help but remember
how she asked for your hand,
but said you had other plans.

her end came nearer
and not until now
do you see clearer.
not until after did you notice
her absence of laughter.

today,
is her birthday.
and every year
you have too many beers
and add one more regret
starting with the day we met.

'if i never said hello,
and you never said hi,
you wouldn't have to say
goodbye."

today, you have 35 regrets.
today you have another
reason to fret.

35 years later,
you still don't see.
what made her
do all these terrible things.

but deep down,
you really know.
if you hadn't said
"i wish i didn't say hello",
she would still
be alive, and not ill.

if you hadn't been so mean,
she would've been alive
to celebrate her turning eighteen.

Here comes the train.
the train, here is comes.
here comes the train.
hear it?
its getting louder, '
and louder,
and louder,
and louder,
more than ever before.
here comes the train.
i'm sure you hear the train.
it was the horn,
that she heard so well.
it was the horn,
that told her it was nearing.
it was the horn,
that let her know when to step out.
it was the horn,
that blew and sounded; loud and clear.
here comes the train,
the train here it comes.