Presumed self loathing
Implanted at my cold birth
Watered infrequently
Until
all ignorance wears off

Once it finally sprouts
It stays abloom
I'm loathing me
and
I'm loathing you

I live in vivid dreams of you
    From dusk until dawn
Of when you sought comfort in my heartbeat
    And held me stable
    And  held me often
Because you truly wanted me
     For me

Then I awake
   To a nightmare in real time
         Void of you
          Void of us
A pitch black existence,
A bitter reality I cannot yet comprehend

You say I've saved you all along
  ...Am I not worth salvation?
Put me back to sleep
           You love me there

Where is the line crossing into madness?
Why am I always trying to get out of my head and
Into yours?
No one can survive your thoughts
    Not even me-
    someone so close to insanity

You will be so lonesome,
forever in the dark
Does the one I increasingly miss
   still exist?

If you do not want me
   in your life
I beg of you
   get out of mine.

I hadn't been alone in so long,
I couldn't comprehend
How to be apart from you..
Still in love with you
And the idea of us.

Now that I'm here
I remember it well.
I'm settling in,
Pretending it feels like home.

I guess I can understand
The way you say you need to be
Alone / Detached / Without
But ..
Won't you miss me?
Haven't you a single doubt?

I admit,
I've been here before.
Before I met you..
Before I realized there was more.

My bangs are too long or too short
Crooked and cold
I try to smile
Please forget me

I don't stay up late to see the sunlight
creep in through the windows
anymore
I'm too occupied
trying to sleep away
-to keep away
who I used to be
back when you thought you knew me
because if I don't recall
I can simply fool myself to believe
I never heard you say you loved me

I've finally misplaced your birthmark
to make room in my head
For anything else that is willing to stay
and every time
I find my mind
wandering back to something you say
I hold my breath, I count to ten
and then somehow
You don't exist again

I was never an evil being
just morbid
worn
detached
but now that I'm older
I can feel this dark spite
slither up from the pit of my stomach
into my veins
and seep out through my eyes
So I bite my tongue
because I don't want to hurt you
but unfortunately
I'm venomous

i won't tell you
what it is i'm feeling
i'll just look at you
through the corner of my eye
and the demon inside of me
will point and howl
while i pretend
to fill voids
with happy thoughts
so i'll try to think about
what my smile would be like
if i had one.

Trying not to be alone
But it won't do me any good
The way I'm made
You wouldn't love me if you could

I don't have anything that belongs to you
Not a single stitch
I want to wear your wrinkled shirt to bed
And put your black hat on my head
To pretend you're here with me

I don't have anything to say to you
Not a single word
I want to smell you lingering on my sheets
And bite your sweet skin between my teeth
To pretend you're dear to me

Meant what I said when my voice was scratchy and distant
Eyes rolled to the back, losing life
Musn't linger on the last angry syllable
He is trying to catch a swift glimpse of surprise
Hold on, should we?

The deeper the fall the longer the ride
Apathetic, hasty days full of fevers and nicotine
Like the rhythmic steps on caramel-coated pebbles
He's lost his touch and drained the globe
Break down, will we?

Silly little advocate, hold your tongue so it won't spread
Levels adjusting to match the beloved pavement
I have begged you to stray from that wicked attempt
Porch light is out, he has called in sick
Crumble up, must we?

Dying to tell you
how hard things have been
Dying to tell you
I haven't loved again
Dying to hear you
still think of my eyes
Dying to hear you
regret those goodbyes