This is one of those days
I don’t know what to pray about
This is one of those days
I don’t really want to praise your name
This is one of those days    
I feel so alone

But I’ll close my eyes and thank you anyway
Thank you God, for giving me the ability to breathe
Thank you God, for letting me sing
Thank you God, for helping me move my feet

I know if my mom was beside me now
She would raise her hands and say
“You do all things well!”
I know if Derek was here today
He would raise his hands and give you praise
So I will do the same

Thank you God for staying beside me
Even if I don’t feel it
You’re always there

The notion that I will be
inherently depressed for the rest
of my personal eternity is
a stupid choice at best.

I can choose to be
morose when the sky is clear
and see sunshine in the clouds.
The depiction of the storm
is mine to envision.

At least carry an umbrella
when it's sure to pour
and take off your coat
as the flowers begin to blossom.

*m.w

When the waves are pounding
and the winds are shouting,
trembling in the shadows,
you're crying out.

I will awake from my sleep
and call out to the storm.
Do not be afraid,
I will silence the waves.

Be still,
I crafted the oceans.
Peace, be still,
I set the wind into motion.
Be still.

*m.w.

I'm happy.

That might not sound big
but I've been depressed
since I was a kid
like a broken record
on repeat.

My memories were
and old-school walkman
that can't stop skipping
too many bits and pieces
are missing.

But now music overflows
from my joyful soul
instead of crackling
inside my heart
like radio static.

*m.w.

Sure, I may have won the war,
but that doesn't mean battles
won't try to pop up.
I will always have to fight.

Even the good days aren't safe.
My mind is a poison,
it won't stop until all the goodness
is infected and dying.

I am my own greatest enemy.

*m.w.

Like the sea
So my heart
Has come to be

One moment
Calm and still
Soft blue breeze
Moments later
Raging
Crashing
Furious waves in a storm

My mind
My heart
My soul
Never knowing
Constant chaos
Always distant from the truth

Shades of color illuminating 4am
Glistening penetrates loneliness
Cracked blinds pierced in the night
Two hearts entangled with light


*m.w.

waking up without a care,
flannel unbuttoned in the sun,
freedom's overgrown hair,
barefoot until winter has won.

repainting the streets with my board
when all the cars have gone to sleep
exploring abandoned buildings
with flashlights and reckless fear.

who cares about tomorrow
as long as I make it today?
Forever is living in the moment
and realizing the future will never come.

I miss home
and all that used to be.
I miss those things
which will never return.

*m.w.

Words written centuries before my name was imagined,
When they think of my name, I’m labeled with these words,
Ideas invented long before my first breath,
I follow the ideas with every breath.

But is it real or just some silly fairytale?

They say my book is rooted in hate,
When read in context, I find love,
But the followers always seem to discriminate,
Are the followers denying the one above,
Or am I living a lie?

Gay marriage,
Women’s rights,
Human slavery.

In the ancient text,
I find confusion about the great debates,
Is our culture wrong,
Or does my way support hate?

Every single day I search for answers,
I beg for truth,
But nothing changes,
I find nothing new.

Can I speak to the author of my handbook,
Or must I keep chasing the wind?

I like the sound
Of glass hitting the floor.
The sound of the broken vase
As I carelessly throw it out the door.

Because it reminds me…
It reminds me that I’m not the only
Broken thing in this world.
It reminds me that
Just because I’m shattered,
I’m not alone.

It gives me hope.

Where I find true hope,
Is in the potter.
The vase I threw out the door,
It had to have been made
By someone right?
And that someone must have cared.

They put their time,
Their sweat,
Maybe even their blood,
Into creating it.
But the greatest thing,
They put their love into making it.

It was a piece of dirt,
Or more accurately a lump of clay.
But the potter,
He saw so much more.
He saw beauty,
When all else saw dirt.
So he molded it,
Into something of worth.

He crafted this lump of clay,
Into a beautiful work of art.
Simply because he loved it,
With ALL of his heart.

I destroyed what was created,
But can it not be fixed?
If dirt can become beauty,
Can broken beauty be repaired?

If I return the shattered vase
To the creator,
Will he care?
He could fix it.
So cannot my creator
Pull me out of my despair?

I like the sound,
Of Glass hitting the floor,
Because it reminds me,
That even if I’m completely shattered,
I can be healed.
It reminds me that
My brokenness isn’t life.
It reminds me that
There is so much more
Than the broken glass on my floor.

Feeling is such a silly word.

I listened to a sad song a few minutes ago,
With the musician's words, my emotions flipped,
My focus shifted to tragic things.

No more than two minutes later,
She sent me a picture of a silly face,
Suddenly, my feelings changed.
Half smile, scrunched nose, eyes closed,
She made me laugh.

The simplest things can impact how I feel,
But very few can affect who I am,
Feelings aren't all that important.

I've felt many ways throughout my journey,
Blissful happiness,
Broken-hearted grief,
Innocent joy,
Painful rejection,
Passionate affection,
Suicidal misery,
Overwhelming peace,
I have felt many things.

I used to let these define me,
But as my state of mind altered,
I blew with the wind.
Feelings can no longer describe who I am.

How am I feeling, at this exact moment, you ask?
I am happy,
I am sad,
I am scared,
I am nervous,
I am curious,
I am restless,
I am alone,
But I am content.

It's been over seven months
And I don't miss you any less
You haven't left my thoughts once
And my dreams are still a mess

Two days ago, I wept for an hour
I cried out your name with each fallen tear
Last night I ran from sleep seven times like a coward
Stop haunting my dreams, I need you here

I'm starting to forget the way you formed words
The few syllables I still remember sound like art
It's as if you're silently begging to be heard
Your voice quit making me smile, it just shatters my heart

It's been two hundred and thirty days
And I still haven't gone a night without seeing your face

When Morgan died,
you were right.
When Derek passed,
you were steadfast.

As disease assaulted mom,
you never left us alone.
As sickness overtook my brain,
your goodness constantly overcame.

If my waters are muddied with rain,
my soul will still sing your praise,
because when storms cloud my skies,
your love always pierces the nights.

*m.w.

I run with all my might
Can’t put up a fight
Whether I run left or right
I can never find the light
Consistently sprinting into the night

Never gaining ground
Always fallin’ down
I feel like I’m gonna drown
In my own helplessness
Reverse exodus
Is this my personal pestilence?

How did I become so broken?
With all this burning emotion
Broken spirit
Broken heart
Broken person

I need somebody to save me
Pull me from the fire
Wash away my blood
Show me love

But where can I find this someone?

All I desire is healing
Nothing else is even appealing
Here I am kneeling
Begging to be free
Savior, unbreak me.

leaving town is leaving home
though I've only lived here
long enough to name a few streets
and memorize a handful of names

in three months time
a foreign city became
equally precious to me
as the place I was born

it's not the place
that cries out to me
not a feeling of belonging
that makes me sick to leave

it's the way you look
at me
i'm anxious to look away
from you

because you have become home to me.

*m.w.

When Morgan died,
you sat on the floor with me
and strummed your guitar.
We just sang the words,
"you give and take away
still I will choose to say
Lord, blessed be your name"
for what seemed like an eternity.

That was the most broken eternity
I have ever lived.
But never in my life
have I felt so cared about.

Thank you for not trying to give me advice.
It meant so much more when you sat and sang
while I sobbed and wept.

That night would have been a darker hell
ending in the deepest regrets
if it weren't for you.

It rained yesterday.
I was out in the rain for a few hours.
I got soaked and freezing.

So right when I got home,
I ran upstairs,
And jumped in the shower.

At first,
I didn’t turn the water past warm.
But I was still cold.
So I turned the **** until it got hot.

I stood under the hot water for a while.
And then I stepped out of it
But instantly I felt a chill down my spine.
The air was cold.
So I leapt back under the water.
It was almost addicting
To stay under the water.

After I stood under the water for a bit,
It was like I got used to it.
My skin became numb to the warmth.

So once more,
I twisted the **** until it was hot.
This process repeated itself
Over and over and over again.

Eventually my skin turned bright red.
The red almost alarmed me.
But I was too addicted
To the heat to care.
I turned it up again.

It burned.
But it burned so good…

I turned it up to the maximum heat.
It felt like fire on my flesh.
I was consumed by the wet flame.
I rubbed my arm
And my skin peeled off.
My body was melting.
I became addicted to the heat
Even though it was killing me.

That’s how she makes me feel.

Hours,
Days,
Months,
They pass by,
And I am left alone.

I am alone,
Even in the largest crowd,
I am alone,
Because you aren’t by my side,
I am alone.

The tears fall,
The brokenness appears,
The pain rises,
Because you are not by my side.

I want to know you’re beside me,
I long to gaze into your eyes,
I need to feel your arms around me.

Day and night,
I dream of our past,
Of our present,
And of our future,
I dream of when we reunite,
Of when we’re finally together.

I love you,
Deeply,
Passionately,
Intimately,
I love you.

With all of my heart,
I love you.
With all of my mind,
I love you.
But mostly,
I love you,
With all of my soul.

When we are together,
I am complete.
When we are together,
I am whole.

When the road ahead is
clothed in a cloud of fog,
when my pillow is soaked
in tears of agony,

I will worship
against the sting of feelings.
I will kiss
the dust stained upon your feet.

When the world around me
is walking away,
When those whom I adore
are cursing your name,

My lungs will crack
as I cry out endless praise.
My internal darkness will dissipate
as my fingers caress your scarred back.

I will worship
with my stinging feelings.
I will kiss
your now tear-stained feet.

*m.w.

I am so scared.
I don't know where to go.
I want to give up.
But I want to go on.
It just seems like there is no way out anymore.

I run in circles.
I wear a mask.

They see me as the happy,
Never hurting, always loving,
Perfectly okay, Christian kid.

But I'm so ******* broken.

Everyday is a battle to hide my scars.
Every morning I wipe away my tears
Before I leave the car.
I do everything and anything so
That nobody will ever see my fear.

I can't do it anymore.

Maybe today will be the day I quit.
Maybe this will be the day I give in.
Maybe tonight will be the end.

I wonder if there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm the wind
tossed and turned
without bounds

I'm the sea
crashing relentlessly
can't control me

I'm a prison
clawing and scratching
trapped within

I'm a tree
ruthlessly bending
uprooting ferociously

I'm dead bones
internally rotting
slowly cracking

I'm abused fruit
dropped and bruised
eat my flesh

I'm my destiny
endlessly lost
so far from free

*m.w.

I've always wondered what love would be like.
There were a few times, I decided I'd try.
But each time, she showed she didn't love me,
She loved who she wanted me to be.
I just want a girl to love me for me.
I don't want to be put in her box
And made to be what she sees.
I want her to see me.
I wonder what it'll be like, *to be loved.

sometimes I get the urge
to talk to you
somedays I want more than anything
to see your face
every single day I long
to feel your eyes piercing mine

I want to remember
the gentleness of your voice
I'm uncontrollably craving
to be captivated by your love

I need to be lost
in the warmth of your smile
I really just want
to be with you again

but I can't
because you're dead.


*m.w.

It's hard.
Knowing that I might wake up tomorrow,
Or any of these coming days
Without my mom is really hard.

It’s the holiday season.
Christmas is going to ****.
I'm honestly dreading waking up and not being able to run to her room
And see her smile as she rolls over to say, “Good morning and Merry Christmas, Matthew!”
And then spending Christmas morning together as a family.
I'm scared that I won't ever be able to do that again.

I have never been this scared in my entire life.

She smiled at me when I walked into the hospital room today.
It was the first time I've seen her smile in a month almost.
It was hardly a smile.
And it caused her to wince.
But I still saw a little bit of happiness.

How does a boy come to terms with the fact that his mom might die?
I don't know.
I guess I'll just keep telling myself she's gonna be okay
And try to go on one more day.

The leaves toss and turn in the wind
My feelings begin again
Seasons change as the time flies
She's back, with that same sparkle in her eyes.

Laying
Beneath the stars
Gazing
At her perfect complexion
Wondering
Is this love?

I can't possibly be falling
I wouldn't fall for her
Not my best friend

But I am...

If you are there,
If you love me,
Open my eyes,
So that I may see.
Let me love you,
Love you intimately.

I have been abandoned
I have been struck down
I have been cast out
Thrown to the ground

Where are you father, when I call out?
Where are you Jesus, when I need you?
I need your love
I need your touch
Where are you father, when I call out?
Where are you Jesus, when I need you?

Where are you savior?
I need your hand
Guide me, father
I’m such a broken man
I need a savior
Come rescue me

You said you love me
You said you’re there
Times got rough
Then you disappeared

The voice faded
Your presence dissipated

Your love is no longer here

You said you’d never leave me
Nor forsake me
But here I stand
Without friend or foe
Completely alone

You were lying on my arm,
And staring into my eyes,
Laughing from my stupid jokes,
Giggling while you were tickling me,
It was then, I knew I needed you,
I absolutely loved you,
I wish my dreams were true.

You’re everything God
All that I want

You’re everything God
All that I need

My father
Savior
King

You’re my everything