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Matthew James Aug 2016
Don't judge

Don't begrudge

Help them take the first step



For the first time ever I had to sign on.



So I got to the Citizens Advice Bureau early.

It's still closed,

And people are sat on the step outside.

There's a middle aged bloke with a walking stick.

There's a foreign guy with his kid.

There's a guy who looks rough as **** who I'd probably cross the street from on a night out.

All sat on the step.

We're a single mum away from the perfect stereotype,

But I'm in the mix.



I'm not judging!

I understand the issues these people go through.

The people on the step.

I put my time and energy into trying to help-

I hate people who judge,

But I'm not one of them.



A pretty girl walks past dressed in a business suit.

She's cute.

Is she judging me for being on the step?

Don't judge me!

I'm one of you!

I work!

I'm not one of them!

I'm not normally on the step!



I recoil into myself at these thoughts.

I glance around apologetically at these people as if they heard me.

I look at the faces,

They seem to blank me.

I feel like they know,

Like they're looking at me thinking -

"Yeah, you don't judge do you?"

"This is life on the step.

We don't want to be here either,

We don't want a do-gooder being a hero,

We want to do it for ourselves,

But here we are,

On the step,

And you're one of us."



"Welcome to the step!"
Matthew James Apr 2016
Tick tock
Tick Tock
It's late
tock Tick  
tock Tick  
I'm wired
Tick
I'm tired
Tock
I'm wired I'm tired I'm tired I'm wired
Tick-tock tock-tick
Tick tock tickety tock  
tickety tick tickety tock
Shut up
Shut up
Shut up-shut up
shut the **** up
you stupid fu-cking clock
I'm tired
I'm wired
If I don't get some sleep I'll get fired
Tick-tock tock-tick
Tick tock tickety tock  
tickety tick tickety tock
Shut up
Shut up
Shut up-shut up
shut the **** up
you stupid fu-cking clock
Some sleep
Can't sleep
My mind
Just creeps
Just blind
Count sheep
Do'n't work
Each peep
Alert
Can't sleep
Create
Won't sleep
And think
Don't sleep
Excite
**** sleep
**** sleep!
**** SLEEP
Tick-tock tock-tick
Tock-tick tick-tock
Tick tock tickety tock  
tickety tick tickety tock
Shut up
Shut up
Shut up-shut up
shut the **** up
you stupid fu-cking clock
Alarm
Goes beep
Oh well
No sleep
Need sleep
**** work
I'll sleep
Matthew James Jul 2016
There's a quiet tick tick

Tick tock

There's a quiet sound of cars in the distance

The air is warm but there's a slight breeze through the window that is refreshingly cooling

I can feel it on my thigh

I've got one eye closed as I squint at my phone and write this poem

Is it a poem? What is a poem?

I feel like a fake
A plastic poet
Making it up as he goes along
Wanting to write a good poem instead of just writing ...

Anything

What's happening now?

I tried to write a poem about my Dad being a conservative, about coming from a farming family, and about doing things rather than talking about them.

I just rolled over on my couch

I don't always think about what I'm doing
I like to think I'm doing something
Sometimes I'm just trying to do the right thing
Sometimes I'm just trying to be seen to do the right thing
Sometimes I just want to indulge myself in the profits of my labour

Money

I'm skint
I'm not skint
I could be skint if things go a certain way in the near future
I'm scared of being skint
But I don't want to go back to doing the things that I was doing
I don't want to be dragged down again
****** in again
Institutionalised
I don't want to trust people and then get ******* over
I want to be free
To make my own decisions
And walk away if I don't like it

I wonder if Adele will call
I like Adele
She reminded me of my good points again
After Paula
Letting go
It scares me a bit to think whether I actually would have killed myself back then
No matter now - it seems so long ago
When I needed someone to make me feel good
It's inly been about six months
It's not long
I've changed a lot
I hope that it's for the best
At least I don't cry every day I'm without my kids now
At least Adele is my friend
Do I wish she was my girlfriend?
Or do I just like being respected and liked?

I like being liked
I think that's why I write
It's probably why I'm setting up my charity
It's definitely why I post what I'm doing on Facebook

I'm tired now
This poem is getting too long for the 3 mins
Is it a poem?
God knows
I need to sleep ***

Tick

Tock

Buzzzzzzzz...zzz..
Matthew James Apr 2016
To The Woman I'm Yet to Meet

I'm not perfect
I'm scared
Be patient
I hurt
Trust me
Give me time
Get to know me
Know my heart
Know who I am
Don't run when I make mistakes
I'm telling you now that I'm not perfect
All I can do is know my weaknesses
And work on them
Don't change for me
Or try to fix me
Just accept me
I have flaws
I know mine
I'm honest about them
I manage them
Let's trust each other  
Manage them together
Instead of apart
Give me time
Time to know me
Trust me
I'm kind
Just trust me to be the man I'm capable of being and give me the time I need to be that
Trust me
Give me time
That's all I want
Matthew James May 2016
Gav called me up.
Him and Tolly were going out to Never Never Land in Blackburn
3 lost boys off on a curious adventure

All I wanted to do were stay in and play Championship manager and drink Ribena.
I were a slow starter int' drinkin' scene
Mi mum and dad had bought us a tiny bot'le o' mead once on 'oliday
Took mi about 2/3 years to drink it
Another time I had 2 or 3 cans at Gavs
Blacked out
Set off t' t' taxi wi'out mi shoes on
"2nd Star t' t' reet and straight on t' t' moornin'!"
Then puked out o' t' taxi windo'

But I went
Mi mum dropped me off at Gavs 'ouse ont' Shad estate
Gav got us a coke before we caught t' bus in
But 'e sprinkled in some white pewder
"What's this? Pixie dust?"
"It's something to give you Speed" said Tolly
"just drink it!" Said Gav

(At this point in this poem, it's starting to sound like I were on the verge of some cool, coming of age experience. But Gav were only a naive little lad and it turned out he'd been sold crushed paracetamol)

So we caught bus
Waitin' for t' affects o' t' artificial amphetamine
'N' we got t' Neverland
No mermaids 'ere
No pretty ***** girls
There were a few blokes wi dodgy eyes
But no no, no-n-no no, no-n-no no no no there's no pirates!
Just ****** plastic Palm trees
'N' townies in fluorescent nylon shirts
No peacock feathered hats ere
There hair were all steps or curtains
(I was sporting a rather fetching home cut hair style wi no gel and my neatly ironed school shirt with the top button fastened)

Didn't kno' what to do about this weird scenario
T' girls and t' boys weren't stood on opposite sides at this party
They were all in t' t' middle
****** loads on 'em
And they were doing some sort o' side stepping thing that I found later were called dancin'
I sort o' skirted round edges feelin' scared
Then went to sit at sides on an empty table 'n' hid

On t' next table were a nice lookin' couple o' blokes.
They must o' bin good mates!
They were cuddlin' 'n' touchin' each other a lot.
Anyhow, thi got talking t' mi
Told 'em I'd not bin out before
"Ow old are you lad? 14/15?"
"I'm 18"
Thi sort o' laughed, dunno why
Then one of 'em offered me a cucumber sandwich
I thought t' mi sel'
"I dunno much about nightclubs but I dunt think folk normally bring cucumber sandwiches!"
But I were 'ungry so I ate it
Then I think 'e thought we were mates coz 'e were touchin mi leg
I 'ad to crow for me mates
Then Gav came in like Peter Pan and rescued mi and we set off for 'ome

I went to t' phone box n' called mi mum
Didn't know town reet well
So I waited for 'er outside o' mi school
There were some scary looking people on one side o't' road snappin at each other like crocodiles
So I stood under t' lamppost so I were int' light an' t' cars passin could see mi
Felt safer like that
Tick tock tick tock
The crocodiles were lurkin
Each time a car passed I stepped out a bit
To look for mi mum
Drivers kept lookin at mi nervously and drivin off
Maybe thi thought I were a crocodile too
But they also kept smirking at mi
Then some cops pulled up
Made us stand again t' wall
'N' searched mi
Asked us if I were rentin
"Rentin' what? I'm Waitin for mi mum."
"Aye cap'n Hahaha I'm sure you are! Dressed in your tight little hot pants!"
"These aren't 'ot pants, they're chinos?!"
Then mi mum turned up an said "oh aye! This streets t' red light district!"
"Well ****** me!"

Never, never again... Until uni happened
Matthew James Jun 2016
We're off to Never never land - Paracetamol, cucumber sandwiches and the lost rent boy

Gav called me up.
Him and Tolly were going out to Never Never Land in Blackburn
3 lost boys off on a curious adventure

Mi mum dropped me off at Gavs 'ouse ont' Shad estate
Gav got us a coke before we caught t' buz in
But 'e sprinkled in some white pewder
"What's this? Pixie dust?"
"It's summat to gi' you Speed" said Tolly
"just drink it!" Said Gav
So I did

"2nd Star t' t' reet and straight on t' t' moornin'!"

But we'd bin sold crushed paracetamol

So we just acted like we were ****** and lied to each other about ow buzzin wi were
But we weren't buzzin
Then we caught buz in
Waitin' for t' affects o' t' artificial amphetamine t' kick in
'N' we got t' Neverland
No mermaids 'ere
No pretty ***** girls
There were a few blokes wi dodgy eyes n limps
But no no, no-n-no no, no-n-no no no no there's no pirates!
Just ****** plastic Palm trees
'N' townies in fluorescent nylon shirts
No peacock feathered hats ere
Just steps n curtains n aggressive faces
'N' me wi' a bowl cut and trepidation
Tryin' t' think happy thoughts

Surrounded bi freebooters, piccaroons, Buccaneers, filibusters and Rovers
Wi' their left foot, right foot dancing
And an eye on t' maidens
Sneering in our direction
Lost boys
That 'aven't grown up

I sort o' skirted round edges feelin' scared
Then went to sit at sides on an empty table 'n' hid

On t' next table were a nice lookin' couple o' blokes.
They must o' bin good mates!
They were cuddlin' 'n' touchin' each other a lot.
Anyhow, thi got talking t' mi
Told 'em I'd not bin out before
"Ow old are you lad? 14/15?"
"I'm 18"
Thi sort o' laughed, dunno why
Then one of 'em offered me a cucumber sandwich
I thought t' mi sel'
"I dunno much about nightclubs but I dunt think folk normally bring cucumber sandwiches!"
But I were 'ungry so I ate it
Then I think 'e thought we were mates coz 'e were touchin mi leg
I 'ad to crow for Gav an' Tolly
They came in like Peter Pan and rescued mi and I set off for 'ome

I went to t' phone box n' called mi mum
Didn't know town reet well
So I waited for 'er outside o' mi old school
There were some scary lookin people on one side o't' road snappin at each other like crocodiles
So I stood under t' lamppost so I were int' leet an' t' cars passin could see mi
Felt safer like that
Time passed
Tick tock tick tock
T' crocodiles were lurkin
Each time a car passed I stepped out a bit
To look for mi mum
Drivers kept lookin at mi nervously n drivin off
Maybe thi thought I were a crocodile too
N they kept smirking at mi
Then some officers pulled up like privateers in their blue and white flashin galleon
Made us stand again t' wall as I asked for parle
'N' thi searched mi for treasure
Asked us if I pulled into port for rentin
"Rentin' what? I'm Waitin for mi mum."
"Aye cap'n! Hahaha! I'm sure you are! Dressed in tight little hot pants!"
"These aren't 'ot pants, they're chinos?!"
Then mi mum turned up an said "oh aye! This streets t' red light district!"
"Well ****** me!"

Never, never again... Until uni happened
Matthew James Apr 2017
He said to type into Google "why does school make me"

Search results -
Why does school make me...
Sad
Tired
Depressed
Cry
Wanna die

Educating the mind without the heart is no education at all. Aristotle

The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world. Nelson Mandela

Bright new buildings,
Inspirational quotes,
Like Aspire and achieve
and dream and believe!
Opportunity knocks? Opportunities missed. Opportunities lost.
This new building, less like a blank canvas,
More like a sterile factory.

Sad, depressed, cry, wanna die

Here's your target, here's your grade
Here's the progress that you've made.
Here's your number, here's your label,
Here's the proof of what you're able.
Step it up, you must try harder!
Learn to be better from your face partner!

Sad, depressed, cry, wanna die

Here's a pen, this ones blue,
For all the work you've got to do.
Here's a pen this ones green,
For all your errors are obscene.
Here's a purple, this one's progress,
For all the errors you've got to address.
Here's a pen, this ones a sword.
Stab your neighbour when you're bored.

Sad, depressed, cry, wanna die

"I wanna be a poet"
But you can't back a laureate.
"Art keeps me on the right path"
But your pathway leads to double math.
"I need music to understand my existence"
You need a Humanity in your condition.
Aspire to what we want.
Achieve what we allow.
Dream of a future where everyone's the same,
And always believe in what we say.

Sad, depressed, cry, wanna die

Here's some music to calm you down.
Now get up and move around.
Give your partner a big high five,
Lets show ofsted how you thrive.
Catch the ball and answer this,
Miss the ball, then take the ****.
"What a loser, you can't catch."

Next time, you catch it.
"Here's the question..."
Loser didn't learn the lesson.
"Next time learn it, do it better,
You're an A grade, that's your letter"
No more letters now a number.
"I'm a person not a number!"
"That's your third strike." Going under

Sad, depressed, cry, wanna die

Now you're out and down the PRU.
"You didn't do what we told you to,
Now we'll give you extra Art,
Let's go out and race Go Karts"
Not because "Every Child Matters"
"Now your progress doesn't matter."

Sad, depressed, cry, wanna die

False. Fake. Fraud.
Green for growth but no room to grow.
Thinking time but no time to think.
Forced reflection but no space to be.
Safeguarding but never free.
Every child matters?
Every child... except you
Matthew James Apr 2016
I'm writing a poem
This is it
This is me writing a poem
About writing this poem
I'm very aware right now that I am writing this poem
I just tap the buttons
B-U-T-T-O-N-S
I did it again
But this time with capitals and hyphens
When I write my poem I think
This is really silly
It's like being a kid
And having one of those stupid conversations that never ends
Like the ones where you say "I know you are, but what am I?"
It's like walking between two mirrors
Infinitely repeating
Image
Faded image
More faded image
Even more faded image
Even more fadeder image
This is really silly
It's like being a kid
And having one of those stupid conversations that never ends
Like the ones where you say "I know you are, but what am I?"
It's like walking between two mirrors
Infinitely repeating
Image
Faded image
More faded image
Even more faded image
Even more fadeder image
This is really silly
It's like being a kid
And having one of those stupid conversations that never ends
Like the ones where you say "I know you are, but what am I?"
It's like walking between two mirrors
Can you trap a witch between two mirrors?
Ive just remembered I'm writing a poem
What am I writing?
I'll read it
(Returns to start)
Oh, that was interesting
I've written a poem
Next time
I'll make it rhyme
Matthew James Apr 2016
I'm writing a poem that rhymes
This is it - rhyming this time
This is me writing a poem
About writing this poem
I'm very aware that you know em
My words as I'm writing this poem
I just tap the button
A repetitive glutton
B-U-T-T-O-N-S
Yes!
I did it again
But this time with capital and hyph-en
When I write my poem I think
This is really is starting to stink
It's like being a kid
And having one of those stupid
Conversations that never ends
The ones that you have with your friends
where you say "I
Know you are, but what am I?"
It's like walking between two mirrors
Infinitely repeating but with errors
Image
Faded image
More faded image
Even more faded image
Even more fadeder image
I'll have to stop there I think
This is really is starting to stink
It's like being a kid
And having one of those stupid
Conversations that never ends
The ones that you have with your friends
where you say "I
Know you are, but what am I?"
It's like walking between two mirrors
Infinitely repeating but with errors
Image
Faded image
More faded image
Even more faded image
Even more fadeder image
I'll have to stop there I think
This is really is starting to stink
It's like being a kid
And having one of those stupid
Conversations that never ends
The ones that you have with your friends
where you say "I
Know you are, but what am I?"
It's like walking between two mirrors
Can you trap a witch between two mirrors?
Ive just remembered I'm writing a poem
What am I going to show 'em?
I'll reread it
(Returns to start) - it's ****!
I've just rewritten the same poem!
But I've shoved in words lamely to make it Rhyme
Cringe
I'll try again without rhyming

I'm writing a poem...

— The End —