Back to work

I'm here
But I'm not here
I'm half lost in limbo
Somewhere between now and the past and the future
But off to the left a bit
And slightly south
Behind that bush
Wearing a banana-man costume

Why am I there?
Well, why be anywhere in particular?
Especially now
With no kids in
Boredom
And time
To dream
But nothing to do
Except tap tap tap on my phone

Trying to get back into it
Motivated
Energised
With no stimulus
So my mind flit flit flits
Here and there
Hither and thither
A failed date.
Jumping in a bush at college,
Drunk
How long will I work here?
Tony dressed as a zombie cow
Did that kid trace that or paint it free hand?
What will I teach them?
When's Dave getting here? It's been more than 10 mins
The hum of the computer
Girls, girls, girls... ***
Cuddles and company
Love?

How long?

I hope that tomorrow I can concentrate better than this.

Days when I struggle
'N' nowt seems reet
'N' t' big stuff is consumin me
'N' then mi mates come round
Drink some beer
Eat some food
Talk some ****
Watch a film
All o' t' stuff as matters
They know
I could talk about t' big stuff
But I won't
They know me an' I'm safe
It dunt matter
What matters now is the size of a chimps *****

All the damaged people,
Vultures of the past still swooping high above
They look out over the future
But with a mind on the past
As they cross the landscape they notice shapes in the clouds and in the dunes
Many of them are beautiful
But a cloud is a cloud
And a dune is a dune
And there are always memories in those shapes of the ones in their past
So they stop
Unable to go back through the long trudge that got them here
Unable to move forward in case these dunes and clouds are the same
They test a few steps
Where the land seems different
But it's too different and they don't feel comfortable
The test ones that are familiar, a few steps
But even though this is comfortable, they are reminded of their past trials
"I can't do that again"
They stop
"I'll wait here, until the landscape changes"
The vultures continue swooping above

The catalyst

Then it begins like drums building

Getting closer to you

The catalyst is a lack of control

It is a question I can't answer

And conflict I can't resolve

And in my head the drums build

The drums are repeating the same problem

A million times

In a million ways

The same rhythm repeats and repeats because I don't know the next line

I don't know how to change the beat

I'm trying so hard to solve the problem

That I'm tired from beating that drum

I'm tired, I ache, I need to go to sleep

But I'm trying to solve the problem

It won't stop until it's solved!

Or...

Until someone says...

It's ok Matt, it doesn't matter, we still care about you. Let someone else change the rhythm for you.



And then I'm fine



And I can sleep



and I can bang

whatever  

rhythms

I feel like banging



I'm at peace again



And all I want is to hold them and let it all go

To The Woman I'm Yet to Meet

I'm not perfect
I'm scared
Be patient
I hurt
Trust me
Give me time
Get to know me
Know my heart
Know who I am
Don't run when I make mistakes
I'm telling you now that I'm not perfect
All I can do is know my weaknesses
And work on them
Don't change for me
Or try to fix me
Just accept me
I have flaws
I know mine
I'm honest about them
I manage them
Let's trust each other  
Manage them together
Instead of apart
Give me time
Time to know me
Trust me
I'm kind
Just trust me to be the man I'm capable of being and give me the time I need to be that
Trust me
Give me time
That's all I want

Another broken door
Another blocked passage
Little boxes made of pain that keep their contents apart
Don't pass through the broken door
It takes time to fix
The ones that are blocked take time to clear
But what's inside that box is precious
A beautiful cargo
Scared of being damaged
Like its doorway was
The open doors are easier
Pass in and out without damaging the contents
These contents are strong
They don't need protecting
If only the open doors were all safe
Another door broken
Another passage blocked
Little boxes made of pain that keep their contents apart

Rebuilding the home

After nearly a year trying, I moved house
The house was tired
It had dated
It had lost the sense of who it was
It had lost all its character
Too much time with someone not attending to its needs
And it, tired and unloved as it was,
Didn't provide much of a home
Frustrated by its loss of self

I started by pulling down the ceiling
Get the structure right first
Dust and debris fell,
I wore a mask to keep from breathing it all in
The dust toxic with a touch of asbestos
I wrapped it up in the carpet that smelled of an old mans dog and threw it out

This weekend I knocked down a wall.
There were sledgehammers, crowbars, chisels, saws, hammers, electricity, falling timber and plaster, screws and nails.
I didn't even get a scratch on me.
Tonight I picked up a cardboard box and got a paper cut and it hurt like hell.
Sod's law!

Breaking down all the bad parts of the house nearly broke me
Pulling out the guts of it
Taking away all the unloved furnishings
The trappings that were there to make it a home but actually just held it back
Searching for the hidden character underneath
Everything was ***** - a building site

Looking at the beams
Wondering "would they hold?"
I needed a break

Eventually it changed
It started with the fireplace
I smashed through all the fake brickwork
Stripped the plaster
Needle gunned the paint
And there was the character
Beautiful, strong stone mullions
Aged and flawed but beautiful

I pulled up carpets and sanded floorboards
Changed the bathroom for one more in keeping
Painted, varnished, wallpapered
Added in all the things that I loved
The good memories
The hobbies
My artwork
My children's photos and toys
Filling the house with fun

I took things that were broken and made them new
Changed their form
A garage door to a bed
A smelly sofa to a garden bench
Made the broken new and beautiful
Seeing them in a new light
Making amends with the past

Talked to the kids tonight about me dating. They were really interested and happy about it. Told them I don't want to date at the moment and Tom and Hazel both said "well, when you get your house finished Dad, girls will like that" They're so sweet. I properly love my kids

Just before Christmas, I got the carpet and the laminate down.
When the kids saw the house all done up they said this...
Hazel... I love our new house!
Tom... It's the best house in the world!
Jake... I think the reason it feels like home is because of all the work you've put into it Dad.

We're home now