My autism's a part of me,

But it is apart, you see.

...

Who are you?

With your ‘normal’ view.

Are you just one thing, or are you a person

With thoughts & feelings, that are your own unique version.

Preferences, ideas, talents, and dreams?

That are bound by senses that meet at their seams.

Are you fat, short sighted or visually impaired?

Are you ever wondering why I just stood and stared.

Those may be the things that I saw the first time I meet you,

But you’re more than just your ‘normal’ diagnosis…. True?

As an adult, you have control over how you’re defined.

Your normality means your perceptions are refined.

So why would you single out one characteristic of mine that you can make known.

As a child, I am still unfolding, I’m not fully grown.

Neither you nor I yet know of what I am capable.

If you think of me as just one thing, then one thing’s inescapable.

You run the danger of assuming I have no chance of achieving.

And my heightened senses know this, it’s only you you’re deceiving

For I am not endowed with any ordinary sense.

You need to know this before I commence.

You take for granted sight, sound, taste, touch and smell.

Never once realising that these things can be as painful as hell

For me.

You see.

My world often feels hostile, and makes me so fearful.

I may appear withdrawn or belligerent, whilst others are cheerful.

Or mean to you, or antagonistic,

Defending myself, then going ballistic.

You tell me we’re going on a trip to the shops

And out of the world my safety net instantly drops.

My hearing, you see, is hyper acute.

But I’m put in the car, though I loudly refute.

At the shops, walls of people jabber and whoop.

The loudspeaker booms and adds to the soup.

Music blares and lashes and whooshes.

Tills beep and cough, a coffee grinder swooshes.

The meat cutter screeches, a baby starts wailing,

I’m starting to malfunction and am rapidly flailing

As trolleys pass creaking, and fluorescent lights hum.

I’m starting to panic, but also turn numb.

My brain can’t filter the input, the voltage is massive

I’m in overload with no chance of staying passive.

My sense of smell is stratospheric.

That fish on the counter is NOT atmospheric.

The man in front hasn’t showered today,

That Stilton cheese – someone take it away!

A baby goes past, it’s ***** needs changing.

Things are going faster and turning deranging

They’re mopping up pickles on aisle two with some bleach and a rag.

My stomach is churning, and I’m starting to gag..

And there’s so much hitting my eyes!

This trip has turned into the world's worst surprise.

The fluorescent light

Is not only too bright,

it’s that flicker.

The space seems to be moving, getting quicker and quicker.

The pulsating light bounces off everything and distorts what I am seeing.

I don’t know what I’m doing, or saying, or being.

There are too many items for me to be able to focus.

The world starts to drain me of my internal locus.

My eyes try to compensate by tunnelling my vision

Fans on the ceiling, twist my senses into nuclear fission.

All this affects how I feel just standing there,

and I can’t even tell where my body is in space, do I care?

You’re yelling at me now, and shaking my shoulder

But the fiery fog is down and is starting to smoulder

It isn’t that I don’t want to hear your instruction.

I just can’t understand, due to mass self-destruction.

You're shouting now, but what does "£$%^&&% NOW! !£$%^&*" mean?

My senses will **** me in a collusion so obscene.

Once we’re back at the kids home, it all feels less absurd.

And now when you speak, I can hear every word.

Simple instructions, that I know off by heart.

And I cling onto these so I won’t fall apart.

You tell me what you want me to do next and I’m able to reply.

Now I’m happy and it’s easy for me to comply.

Now I’m OK and I’m running about

And performing my ritualised songs, which I shout.

Then a visitor grabs me saying, “Hold your horses, cowboy!” – This means danger!

I can’t stop the horses, I’m me, not the Lone Ranger!

And I’m thrown into panic when what you mean is, “Stop running.”

But I don’t know that! Those stampeding horses are coming!!

That’s my life, you see, it’s not “a piece of cake”

When there’s no dessert in sight and you’ve made a mistake.

When you say, “its pouring cats and dogs,” I see pets flooding from the sky.

Tell me, “It’s raining hard,” so I won’t fear the animals will die.

Puns, sarcasm and allusion

Simply generate confusion.

Tell me facts and keep things clear

So I can live, yet not in fear.

It’s hard for me to tell you what I need when my senses are reeling

When I don’t have a way to describe what I’m feeling.

I may be hungry, frustrated, frightened, or perplexed.

But I can’t find the words, and lash out, angry and vexed.

Be alert for my body language, or my gestures and obsessions

Then you’ll handle my feelings like your own treasured possessions.

Watch out for me compensating for not knowing the right word

By mimicking my favourite film star, or something just as absurd.

Rattling off words or whole scripts, which will leave you confounded

That I’ve memorised from Disney, because they make me feel grounded.

They may come from the TV, or speeches, or a book

And though they make people give a funny look

I just know that saying them gets me off the hook.

Show me, show me! I’m visual, you see.

And I’ll understand rather than you just telling me.

And be prepared to show countless times.

I’m listening, despite my ritualised rhymes.

Visual supports help me move through my day.

They relieve me of the stress and I feel OK.

I don’t have to remember what’s happening next

For I operate on a visual text.

This makes for smooth transitions in my life

And we’ll finally progress without anger or strife.

I need to see something to learn it, because spoken words are like steam to me;

They evaporate before my mind's eye, and are gone instantly,

Before I even have a chance to make sense of them,

They've died in the ether, leaving me in mayhem.

I don’t have instant-processing skills.

Instructions and information are my life giving pills

Images can stay in front of me for as long as I need,

and will be just the same in years, for they'll never recede.

Without visual help, I live the constant frustration

of knowing that I’m missing big blocks of information,

Not to mention falling short, by being a misfit

And I'm helpless to do anything about it.

Unlike other people, I'm unable to learn

If it's normal interaction for which you do yearn.

I’m constantly made to feel that I’m not good enough

And people are stern and people are tough.

They think I need taking in hand and need fixing.

Never knowing the world and my brain are tranfixing

I avoid trying any new things, for I'm sure I'll get 'dissed'

And another grown up will be angry and get 'real ******'.

But no matter how “constructive” you think you’re being.

Look for my strengths, though they're hard for the seeing.

There is more than one right way to do most things.

It may look like I don’t want to play with the other kids on the swings

But it may be that I simply do not know how to start

They just think I'm weird, and set me apart.

Teach me how to play with others.

Remove my autistic shrouded covers.

Encourage other children to invite me along.

They might learn something of value from my life's different song.

And rather than spend my day as separate, secluded.

I might show an ethereal delight at being included.

I do best in games that have a clear beginning and end.

Random play is something my fears won't transcend.

And just one other thing, a sort of confession

I cannot interpret a ****** expression

Or body language, or other peoples' emotion

So in group situations I'm resigned to demotion.

I want to learn, I want you to teach me.

Reach into my mind and help me to see.

If I laugh when Tommy falls off the climbing frame,

It’s that I don’t know what to say, nastiness isn't to blame

Talk to me about Tommy’s feelings and teach me to say,

“Are you hurt, Tommy, I'll get teacher, then you'll be okay?”

If you don't I'll meltdown or blow-up, and get in a stew

And this is a thousand times worse for me than for you.

For my mind will go into overload

My sense of equilibrium will start to off-road.

For I'm well past the limit of my social ability.

As those off road lights glare at my own disability.

If you can figure out why my meltdowns occur, they can be prevented

And my behaviours will abate, less frequently lamented.

Keep notes about me and a pattern may emerge.

As your understanding of me will gradually converge.

Remember that everything I do is a form of communication.

It tells you, when my words cannot, how I’m reacting to each situation.

My behavior may have a physical cause.

Think for a moment, just have a pause.

Food allergies and sleep problems can affect my behaviour.

Just look for signs, for you might be my Saviour.

Because I may not be able to tell you about these things.

That blunt my affect and cause my mood swings.

Throw away thoughts like, “If you would just—” and “Why can’t you—?”

You didn’t fulfill every expectation your parents had either, that's true.

And would you like to witness a constant rewind.

Of the traumatic deficits by which you're defined?

I didn’t choose to have autism.

Or to live with this division

Remember that it’s happening to me, not to you.

But without understanding, my chances remain few.

With love and support, my horizons are broader

But I can't live my life by other peoples order.

Patience. Patience. Patience, are the three words we need to live by

For my dreams to be reached, and my confidence fly.

View my autism as a different ability

Rather than as a freak show disability.

Look past what you may see as limitations and feel for my strength

I may not be good at eye contact or conversations of length

But have you noticed that I don’t lie, or cheat at a game

Or pass judgment on people, and make them to blame?

I rely on you, if you can make me your personal vocation

All that I might become won’t happen without you as my foundation.

Be my advocate, be my guide

Be my strength, stand at my side.

Love me for who I am, and not what you know

And we’ll see just how far I can go.

Matt Revans 2014
©Copyright

A time will come
in your life when something will wake you




and your fears
and insanity will finally forsake you.



You stop dead in
your tracks and somewhere the voice



inside your head
cries out… ENOUGH! Just rejoice!



Enough fighting
and crying and constantly blaming



and struggling to
hold on, and senselessly shaming.



Then, like a
child quietening down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears



and begin to look
at the world through new eyes, without fears.



This is your
awakening, you realise it’s time to stop hoping



and waiting for
something to change, whilst you’re barely just coping,



or for happiness,
safety and security to magically appear



over the next
horizon at which you anxiously peer.



You realise that
in the real world there isn’t always a fairy tale ending,



and that any
guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with self-mending.



And in the
process a sense of serenity is born, but not by de rigueur,



You just awaken
to the fact that you don’t perfectly configure.



That not everyone
will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are



And that’s OK,
for they’re entitled to their own views and opinions, you’ve got here so far.



You learn the
importance of loving and championing yourself, and start the removal,



of outmoded
behaviours, in order to process a sense of new found self-approval.



You stop
complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you,



or didn’t do for
you – for only thing you can count on is the unexpected, ain’t that true!



You learn that
people don’t always say what they mean, or mean what they say,



and that not
everyone will always be there for you anyway,



and everything
isn’t always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own two feet



and to take care

of yourself…  for you are actually
complete.



And in the process
a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.



You stop judging
and pointing your finger in defiance.



You begin to
accept people as they are and start to overlook



their
shortcomings and human frailties, don’t live by THAT book.



And in the
process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.



You learn to open
up to different points of view whilst not making them your business.



You begin
reassessing and redefining,



smudging your
edges; perceptions realigning.



Distilling who
you are at your core.



Titrating what
you really stand for.



You learn the
difference between wanting and needing



and throw out childhood
schemas from psychological spoon-feeding.



You begin to
discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown,



or should never
have bought into to begin with, but in your youth you were shown.



You learn that
there is power and glory in contributing and creating,



and you stop
maneuvering through life merely as a consumer, unsatisfied and berating.



You learn that

principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a
bygone era,



but the mortar

that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life to hold
dearer.



You learn that
you don’t know the answers to any and everything,



it’s not your job
to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing.



You learn the
only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry



and that martyrs
get burned at the stake, regardless of whether or not you do tarry.



Then you learn
about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are



and not as you
would have them be; for they will hurt and scar.



You learn that
‘alone’ does not necessarily mean lonely.



You stop trying
to control people, situations and outcomes, and thinking ‘If Only!’



You learn to
distinguish between responsibility and guilt,



And the

importance of setting boundaries and learning to say ‘NO’, when ‘YES’ is
inbuilt.



You also stop
working so hard at putting your feelings aside,



Or smoothing things
over and ignoring the resentment inside.



You learn that your
body really is your temple, and finally select,



to care for it,
and treat it with love & respect.



You begin to eat
a balanced diet, drink more water, and take exercise.



You spirit starts
to soar, which should come as no real surprise.



You learn that
being tired fuels doubt, uncertainty and fear



so you take more
time to rest and be with the people you hold dear.



And, just as food
fuels the body, laughter fuels the soul.



So you take more
time to laugh and to play, and make joy your goal.



You learn that,
for the most part, you get in life what you deserve,



and that much of
life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy, which will unfold without reserve.



You learn that
anything worth achieving is worth working for,



and that wishing
for something to happen is different than making it happen; for sure.



More importantly,
you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction,



discipline and
perseverance, but most importantly, self-affection.



You learn that no
one can do it all alone,



and that it’s OK
to risk asking for help and sharing your zone.



You learn the
only thing you must truly fear is fear itself,



For you learn to
step right into and right through your fears and not hide them on some shelf



In the recesses
of your mind.



You treat
yourself well, treat yourself kind.



Because you know
that whatever happens you can handle those fears



As the fire in
you burns brighter with the passing of your years



For to give in to
fear is to give away the right



to live life on
your own terms, filled with much love and light



You learn to
fight for your life and not to squander your hours,



living under a
cloud of impending doom which will sprinkle you with its showers.



You learn that
life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve



and that

sometimes bad things happen to good people whose fate you are unable to
preserve



and you learn not
to always take things so personally, or let your pride be so bruised.



You learn that
nobody’s punishing you and that you are not always being abused.



It’s just life
happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong



and to build
bridges instead of walls, from which you can sing your life’s message all along.



You lean that
negative feelings must be understood and redirected



or they will

suffocate the life out of you and the universe which will just become more
infected.



You learn to be
thankful and to take comfort in the many different gifts



That we the lucky
ones possess in this world of deep rifts,



things that
millions of people upon the earth would love to have just for one hour:



a full
refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.



Then, you begin
to take responsibility for yourself,



by yourself, and
you make yourself



a promise to
never betray yourself



and to never,
ever settle for less than you heart’s desire and good health.



You make it a
point to keep smiling, to keep trusting,



and to stay open
to every wonderful possibility in this life which is there for the lusting.



Finally, with
courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath,



and you begin to
design the life you want to live as best as you can, to the death.

Matt Revans
©Copyright

She has long gone, my lady of light!
And left me alone sitting here;
Murmured sweet nothings, slipped into the night,
I thought I’d had nothing to fear.

Her memory burns so bright in my heart,
Like torchlight in the darkest abyss,
Causing shadows that shimmer, and shiver and dart,
As they do with the sun’s setting kiss.

Her memory waltzes in the halls of my mind,
As light penetrates from above:
The dance that we shared wends its way, and does wind,
A slow fading, bull fight of love.

Oh beautiful memories, locked deep within,
But as high as the skies that ascend!
Within me your spirit will eternally spin  
For my heart you will never transcend.

Dear, beauteous vision! The jewel in my heart,
Glittering in your unmined, purest form;
What mysteries you still whisper, and faintly impart,
The calm in the eye of my storm!

Like the calm of a rookery at midday, which you’ll know
Is long after the flock has first flown;
And where sing those birds, and forage they now?
That to me does remain quite unknown.

And yet back you return, in some beautiful dreams
Singing songs like a caged bird set free:
If I kept you, you’d fall apart at your seams
For I’d hold you so tightly to me.

If a flame was ever hidden, deep in a grave,
It would never burn bright, or burn strong;
To encase you, and hold you, eternally save
Would **** you, you would not shine long.

Oh beautiful Universe, you created us all
To dance high, and dance strong, and dance free!
Liberate our hearts from this world, as you call
Us all back to one true liberty.

Matt Revans
09/12/2015
©Copyright

I live my life like water

For water never lingers

And though it sustains...

It will slip through your fingers


The tiniest drop hardly felt on your lips

In vaster amounts will support many ships

I live in and around you, unseen in the air

But can be called on to revive, when you all but despair

Water does not resist, instead it just flows

Moving with ease wherever it goes

When you plunge your hand into it, it will merely surround you

It is not a solid wall, that will stop or confound you.

But water always goes wherever it may

and nothing you can do will ever make it stay

Water is patient, it will wear away stone

Remember this, my friend, when you feel all alone

For you are mostly water, so when faced with dead ends

Go round them or over them, for water always transcends

I'll live my life like water, until my dying breath

"He wrote his name on water" will be my epitaph.

Matt Revans
©Copyright

Coming Over Here!




  The swifts have once again returned

  The pigeons have not even spurned

  The influx of these migrant flocks...

  Who've circumnavigated docks


  And flown sky high as they've defected

  Passport free and undetected

  Africa they've left behind

  Knowing that they'd surely find

  Nests and food in great abundance

  Austere months now in redundance

  Times of plenty now abound

  But have you ever really found

  In human terms, for that is how

  We think, but can you tell me now

  That in this land of wealth and plenty

  That such newcomers seeking gentry

  Are welcomed with the song we sing

  Do we make room, take under wing

  Our fellow beings on this earth

  Who live out lives to death from birth

  Who only want the safest haven

  That's surely what we all are craving

  A place to raise our young in peace

  As war and death and blight decease

  If doors were always shut in faces

  Nests destroyed in secret places

  Remember that it's only fair

  As watching fledgelings take to air

  That where there's life is where there's hope

  And for one moment could you cope

  If you were always on the run

  From those who shift you on and shun

  Those who come from other places

  They do it with their airs and graces

  Assured of their superior stance

  Rejecting as they caste askance

  Their eyes of judgment over those

  With different voices, skins and clothes

  And never once remembering

  It's one same song we all do sing

  An octave quavering as they do

  A chord that resonates with few

  Is only why we always fool

  Ourselves, and then divide and rule.

  Well carry on if so you must

  But we'll all end up the self same dust.

Matt Revans ©Copyright

What is this life, if full of care,

We social network, unaware....

We sit indoors, connect with friends,

Whilst interaction dies and ends.


No time to spend with kids or spouse,

Thoughts ever beyond the home and house.

No time to see, in broad daylight,

Our lives descending into plight.

No time to notice real life's glance,

Viewed from an iPad screen askance.

No time to wait, do things with ease,

Crippled by virtuality's disease.

A poor life this if, full of care,

We social network, unaware.

Matt Revans
©Copyright