I've done this before
the      d       i         s            t           a          n          c               e

game.

Must be something
special cause I swore
I'd never futs with
that again.

But here I am
marking days off my
calender     X     X     X
X     X      X

All that is left are silent pictures
I wish I could reach out and touch you
Your ashes, all I have left
of you my friend, gone too soon, why?
Nature is cruel, and final
what I wouldn't do to have you back again

I find myself
magnetized
attracted to your every move.

I like wool socks.
I like breathing cold air--
the way it numbs in my throat.

I like watching cars drive endlessly,
staring across an avenue at tires and shades of paint, windows and blurred hubcaps. I like catching the brief moments in time when the streets are quiet.
I like empty bottles and barriers and running my finger through a candle flame.
I like trying to capture the brief moments in time
when the house is silent.

I      miss      the       days      when
   things        were      good    or
bad

It's funny how we worked so hard to get here
It's just me and you now
In this dark cozy cabin
We both think we know what's going to happen
But oh how wrong we are
I am outside looking in on myself with you
And I can't stop what's happening
Believe me
If I could stop myself from leaving then I would
But I watch myself get into a car
While I look back in to see you laying in bed
Waiting for me to come back
But the car drives off
And suddenly I'm back inside my own body
Sitting up with my hands tightly on the steering wheel
Driving too fast for rain
Time is just speeding past us now
I look at the clock every few seconds
And hours keep passing
My eye brows work with confusion
And I know I should go back
But in my mind is a place where
Another girl will be
Waiting
Working
Why am I headed toward her when I have a girl back at the cabin?
This I cannot answer
But I know the girl back at the cabin will wake up soon
And she won't be happy
Her heart will break
And I can stop it but I won't
And I don't know why
Because I know the girl I'm after now will only break mine
She won't make me happy
I think she will
But she won't
And then the cycle changes
I'm no longer in a car
But standing bare foot on the warm concrete in just my bathing suit
And there's a bunch of people around
No one familiar
But it doesn't bother me
I step in the pool and hold my breath
I open my eyes under the water
Only to black out
No pain or anything
Just boom. Unconscious!
I wake up drenched with water and sweat and blood
Still in my bathing suit
I try to sit up but I'm still in shock
So I lay here just moving my eyes around
I see Scott
And a few other people I know
He tells me to relax
And I ask him what happened
He stalls and looks around to the other faces to get approved to tell the story
How don't I know what happened?
How don't I remember anything?
But he begins to tell me
He says
You got out of the pool
Walked over into the restrooms
Into a stall and started smoking blunts
One after another
A kid saw you and beat you senseless
And we found you a mess
Alone
Just passed out on the floor
You don't remember that?
He asks
No! No I don't remember anything after I got into the pool
My thoughts to myself are
Why can't I control myself?
And then the cycle changes again
I'm early to a party
Mary and her friend are upstairs
For some reason me and the two people I'm with don't go upstairs to be with them
It's just known to us that we aren't welcomed
But we were invited
So we stay down stairs and drink
We speak in whispers
And the only light is the bright moon shining in the windows
I find myself very intrigued by one of the girls I came with
The other, not so much
The girl I like
She was my very first crush ever
And now she's here with me tonight
For some reason she's really into me
It takes her a while to warm up
But once we're warm
I sit next to her and stare at her hands
And she speaks to me
I don't like my hands
Is what she says
I look her in the eyes for the first time and ask why
She replies
You're staring at them
And I say
You're hands are lovely and so perfect
She reaches over to hold my hand
And I compliment on how soft her skin is
And the touch of her hand on mine
Who knew that dreams could hold such an emotion
So intense and my bones ache with the desire to kiss her
But I don't
So we just cuddle on the chair and drink our drinks

I know someone who finds solace in ballet shoes
                A boy who strums his secrets to guitar strings
Someone that spends his waking moments with glazed red eyes
             As if facing this world cold turkey
                       Isn’t even an option.

For boys whose fingertips shake
                Like the burning end of a cigarette
And girls whose smiles resemble
Car crashes waiting to happen
A cacophony of shattered noises
             And those of us who feel guilty for the
                     mere act
                           Inhaling air
                        And exhaling poison
So we spend lifetimes holding our breaths

   Until we burn our lungs out trying
            To warm our hearts
            With something other than the fire
           That burns out in a smoky haze

Until our eyes become rivers,
flowing oceans
That cry out a thousand melted glaciers

Our tongues speak ruined languages
We read everything backwards
Curse in Latin
Make oaths in Russian
So whatever we say sounds beautiful.

So that our hands wont have to learn permanence,
affection
consolation.

These ideas of Limits and Ties,
Infect the brain.
Their murky ink spreads and soils the neurons,
all while polluting the soul.

We imagine such boundaries will fade,
And say words like,
"When I'm older, wiser."
"When I'm more educated, cultured."
"When I'm free to do as I please."

That is when,
These ideas of Limits and Ties,
Have finally swallowed you whole.